Leonard Russell

Supreme Lord High Galactic Overlord

How is the war against the zombies going?

It depends.

On what?

If you are emotionally attached to New England.

Not especially. Although I do have a cousin in Connecticut.

Not any more, you don't.

Hairy Silicon Jesus! What happened?

There's a military saying, "Never fight zombies in the rain."

When did that become a saying?

Right after we fought the zombies in the rain.

You've got to be kidding!

No. The precipitation dramatically reduced the effectiveness of our flame-based weapons.

It didn't occur to you that it might rain?

Of course it occurred to me! But one of the many unintended consequences of going low tech is that it has diminished the accuracy of weather prediction. Instead of computer weather models we had to resort to less reliable methods, such as barometers and cats.

Cats?

Yes. It's a meteorological fact that cats clean behind their ears when it's going to rain.

That's absurd!

Our weather-witch begs to differ.

I... don't know what to do with that information.

It's not as strange as it sounds. There are some people who have heightened sensitivity to atmospheric—

Shush, shush, shush. Let's jut move on, shall we?

As you wish.

The bottom line is that, thanks to you, there are tens of thousands of new zombies running around.

Now you're being absurd.

Are you saying that it wasn't your fault?

No, I'm saying that zombies don't "run around." They shamble, they shuffle, sometimes they break out into a trot. Once in a great while you'll see jazz hands. But running? Never.

I stand corrected.

And for your information, we actually contained the situation.

You did?

You know. More or less.

How did you manage that?

I made the command decision to drop a nuclear bomb.

You did what?

Settle down. They were tactical nukes.

And that makes it OK?

We had to stop the zombies somehow and unlike flamethrowers, nukes work great in any kind of weather.

But— Wait a second! You started off saying you used a nuke, singular and then you changed it to nukes, plural.

Yes, ultimately, we used several other nukes. It turns out they're a little like potato chips. You can't eat just one.

Holy fuck!

Look. Nobody's gotten to use nuclear weapons since 1945. We have thousands of them, just sitting around, doing nothing. It's like having a refrigerator full of Moët & Chandon champagne. Sooner or later, you've got to pop open a few corks, right?

No! You can't just use nuclear weapons all willy-nilly!

I didn't use them willy-nilly. I used them tactically!

In what way?

First, we were tactically containing the zombies. Second, we were tactically sending a clear message to the zombies that we are very serious.

Are zombies even capable of discerning if you are serious?

You never know until you try.

And now that you've tried?

They're not.

You seem frustrated.

That's an understatement. I am so sick of not being able to intimidate the enemy. The robots didn't care. The zombies don't care. I hate them and the worse thing is, they don't hate me back. Where's the fun in that?

I'm sorry that war isn't fun anymore.

Shut up. You wouldn't understand. There used to be nobility in being a warrior. Now we're like glorified fly swatters. It means nothing to the fly if it gets swatted, and no matter how many you swat, you never run out of flies. So what's the point?

I'm afraid to ask but... how's the rest of the country doing?

It's a mixed bag. Depends on a lot of factors. Terrain, population density, fortification. And also luck. Some places are being overrun while others are untouched.

What part of the country would you say is weathering it the best?

Definitely the Pacific Southwest.

Why is that?

Because there are so many massive wildfires breaking out spontaneously that the whole place is like a giant crematorium-themed amusement park. Except the only souvenirs are charred zombie corpses.

Can you tell the difference between charred zombie corpses and charred regular person corpses?

Yes.

How?

We look at the bones.

But the skeleture of zombies and humans is identical.

[Pulls out gun, puts it to my head] Just take my word for it, Rubicon! OK?

Uh... sure. No sweat.

Thanks. [Holsters sidearm]

So how do we turn the tide against the zombies?

The first thing we need is better leadership.

But... you are our leadership.

I know. I'm starting to think I'm not that good at this.

What was your first clue? The instantaneous defeat by the robots? Or rendering New England uninhabitable?

It's still inhabitable. Just not by us. At least not for a few thousand years or so.

Who, then?

Your cockroaches can survive nuclear radiation, of course. But also scorpions, certain species of wasps, fruit flies, zombies, ants, the mummichog fish, the tardigrade — but that's not a surprise — the lingulata, pine trees, at least two species of worm...

That is a very disheartening list. Also, I could not help but notice that zombies were on that list.

I was hoping you get that by you.

Maybe you shouldn't have mentioned it at all.

That would be unethical.

You are a strange man.

You have no idea.

I think I do.

Anyway, radiation doesn't seem to affect zombies. I am told that it's because they have inactive pituitary glands.

So zombies are invulnerable to nuclear bombs?

Nuclear bombs blow up zombies just like normal people. They just don't get radiation sickness.

Then why didn't you use something more conventional?

Like what?

Well, you wiped out an entire Canadian town with thermite. Why didn't you use that?

First of all, as I already explained, it was raining. And also, some investor bought up all the thermite. Now we can't afford to use it. But we're practically drowning in nukes.

All right. This is going to sound harsh — and I truly mean no disrespect — but you are massively incompetent and you should step down and let someone else run things.

Truthfully, I have thought about appointing a successor.

You could do that. Or you could allow a presidential election.

We are at a perilous crossroads and there is little margin for error. The problem with elections is that they are unpredictable and the population is easily fooled.

That's not fair.

Really? Our official cover story for why nobody is allowed to go New England is "a dangerous gas leak."

And they bought that?

They did. With a little help from our propaganda arm at Omniscience Broadcasting. You've heard that gas stoves have been banned? That's the reason.

Wow. But still...you should have some faith in the American people.

Based on what?

Nothing. That's what faith means.

It's risky.

Is it, though? I'd say pretty much anyone would be an improvement over what we have now.

Well... I'll think about it. But I'll tell you this: If there's one thing I've learned in my career, it's that things can always get worse.