BEATRICE

"TRIS? TRIS?"

I unconsciously slapped away the hands of whoever's shaking my body. I heard my mother's voice repeatedly trying to wake me up. My eyes were still closed and it hurt me to try to open them.

Go away, mom. I still want to sleep.

"Tris, kanina pa nag-a-alarm ang phone mo. Wala ka bang pasok today?"

Dahan-dahan kong iminulat ang aking mga mata. I saw my mom's concerned face staring at me, her head tilted to one side and her ponytail hanging on her right shoulder.

"Bumangon ka na riyan, Tris. Naka-ready na ang breakfast natin. Hindi ka pa kumain kagabi. Siguradong gutom ka na."

My mom turned off the fan, making the room slightly warm. Wala akong nagawa kundi alisin ang kumot na nakabalot sa akin. I looked like a human burrito. Instead of standing up and rushing down the stairs, I just sat in my bed and stared blankly at the wall.

I was feeling unmotivated today. Alam kong normal na maranasan ito ng estudyanteng gaya ko. I already had previous episodes of it in the past few months. But this one hit me differently. Talagang bumagsak hindi lang ang isip kundi maging ang katawan ko.

No matter how busy I was with academics and extracurricular works, I always tried to not miss a single meal in my life. Tinuruan ako ni mama na masama ang magpagutom, kaya never kong ginawa 'yon lalo na ngayong nasa college na ako.

But last night, I missed our dinner. Pagkatapos akong ihatid ni Cole, dumeretso ako sa aking kuwarto at nagkulong dito. My mom didn't notice my absence until dinner time came. Wala naman akong ginawa maliban sa umiyak at lunurin ang sarili ko sa kumunoy ng kalungkutan.

The revelation at the police station almost broke me. I was planning to run for the student council presidency next year. So if anyone heard the clip that Sir Zafra had saved in his phone, my student-leader career would be over instantly. How could the students trust me if I used other receipts to cover up for the missing ones in the liquidation report? I wouldn't just lose the election. I might also get expelled from the university for what I did!

I know it's my fault. Dapat naging maingat ako. Dapat hindi ko pinabayaan ang mga resibo namin para hindi sana ako nagkaproblema. Maybe I shouldn't have accepted Sir Zafra's help when he offered it to me? But if I didn't and I chose to take responsibility for my mistake . . . people would find out that I was an irresponsible officer and I shouldn't be trusted anymore. My servant leadership would have been over by then!

But you know what hurt me the most? Sir Zafra himself. Instead of offering me a solution, he should have advised me to own up to my mistake. Maybe I could live with all the criticisms that might be thrown at me. I would still be proud of myself because I knew that I did the right thing, even if it could cost me one of my dreams. But I was desperate. Ayaw ko pang mauwi sa game over ang pangarap kong i-lead ang student council. So I took it.

I did not know that he recorded our conversation. For what? Wala akong maisip na dahilan para gawin niya 'yon. Balak niya bang gamitin 'yon laban sa akin? Why? I had been a good student to him and he had been a good confidant to me. Why would he do such a thing?

To be betrayed by the very person that I trusted and admired the most . . . it hit differently. It broke my heart. Crushed my fragile soul. Shattered me into pieces. This was not something that the Sir Zafra I knew would do. Yet he still did.

Gaano ko ba siya kakilala?

"TRIS! LUMALAMIG NA ANG PAGKAIN!"

Muli na naman akong naluha nang maalala ko 'yon. I wiped the tears off my eyes, hoping that my parents would not notice their redness. Bumangon na ako sa kama at lumabas na sa aking kuwarto.

Maliit lang ang bahay namin. We were not as rich as most students enrolled in Clark University. Kita na agad ang sala at ang dining room pagkalabas ko sa kuwarto. My mom and dad were already at the table. Nagbabasa ng diyaryo si Papa habang nagsasandok ng kanin si Mama.

"O bakit namumula ang mga mata mo?" tanong ni mama pagkalingon niya sa akin. Huminto siya sa paglalagay ng kanin sa plato ko.

"Napasobra yata sa pagkusot ko kaya namula," palusot ko. I wished I could be more honest with them, but I could not. If I told them that I cried all night and I cried myself to sleep, they would bombard me with questions. Baka imbes na makakain ako, maubos ang oras ko sa kasasagot sa kanilang mga tanong. "Sobrang pagod ko kahapon sa council works kahapon hindi na ako nakapag-dinner."

"Aba, huwag mong pababayaan ang kalusugan mo, Tris." My dad lowered the newspaper to shoot me with a glance. Napapanot na siya kaya nagmistulang korona ang buhok sa gilid ng kanyang ulo. "Alam mo ba ang secret sa success ng isang tao? Tamang tulog at tamang pagkain."

Pinilit kong ngumiti. "Hindi na mauulit, Pa. Kahapon lang 'yon. Mamaya, maaga akong kakain." My smile felt strained that it kind of hurt me. Gano'n ba talaga kapag pilit na ini-stretch ang mga labi?

Nilagyan na ng combination ng hotdog at itlog ang plato ko. "Bilisan mo nang kumain dahil baka ma-late ka pa sa klase mo. Ilang beses nang nag-ring ang phone mo pero hindi ka man nagigising."

"Dala na rin siguro ng sobrang pagod, Ma," palusot ko na naman. Sinimulan ko nang kumain bago pa ako masermonan ulit ng mga parent ko.

They were proud of me—of what I had become in the university. Kaya I could not imagine how disappointed they would be once they found out about the recording. It was not a scandal like Anastacia's, but it could negatively affect my image as an obedient and hardworking daughter and student. Paano pa kaya kapag pinatawan ako ng suspension o, mas malala, expulsion? They might disown me.

"Kumusta na pala 'yong kaso ng teacher mo?" tanong ni papa. "May update na ba ro'n sa imbestigasyon?"

Napahinto ako sa pagsubo at dahan-dahang ibinaba ang aking kutsara't tinidor. I did not want to talk about it because it reminded me of the recording and Sir Zafra's betrayal of my trust. If only I could tell my dad to change the topic, I would have done already.

"It's still ongoing," I replied with a smile. "Tinitingnan pa ng mga pulis kung sino ang may motibo para pumatay kay sir. Don't worry, it won't affect me or anything. I had nothing to do with it."

Napatango si Papa sa akin habang umiinom siya ng kape. "Wala naman akong duda sa 'yo, Tris. Alam ko namang hindi mo magagawa 'yon. Hindi ka namin pinalaki ng mama mo para gumawa ng isang karumal-dumal na bagay."

"Oo nga," may pagtangong sabi ni mama. She smiled at me. "We have the best daughter in the world. How can she do something horrible? Hindi niya magagawang gumawa ng kahit anong masamang bagay."

I almost choke. Uminom agad ako ng tubig at nilunok kung anuman ang nasa bibig ko.

"Okay ka lang ba, Tris?"

I gulped down some water again. "May nakaalala lang siguro sa 'kin."

They both believed that I could do no wrong. Mas nakonsensya ako sa ginawa ko. If they found out . . . their perfect image of me would shatter and they might see me differently. They would tell me that they did not raise me this way, that this was not something that they thought I could do, et cetera.

Unfortunately, Ma and Pa, your daughter is not perfect.

"Hindi naman sa nagdududa ako sa imbestigasyon, pero wala akong masyadong tiwala sa mga pulis na 'yan." Ibinaba ni papa ang binabasa niyang diyaryo. "Hindi ko nilalahat, pero may ilan sa kanila ang hindi malinis magtrabaho. Pasalamat tayo't hindi high profile case ang pagkamatay ng prof na 'yon. Baka may itinanim nang ebidensya at may nahanap nang fall guy."

"Ano ka ba, dear? Imposibleng paghinalaan ang anak natin," nakangiting sabi ni mama. "Wala siyang record ng pagsisinungaling. Wala siyang record ng pagnanakaw. Malamang iba ang pagtuonan ng pansin ng mga pulis. Magiging kaduda-duda talaga sila kapag seryoso nilang c-in-onsider si Tris bilang suspek."

I almost sprayed the water that I was drinking at my parents' faces. Kaagad kong pinunasan ang aking bibig at mabagal na uminom. I could not help but feel guilty. They believed that I was infallible. Parang niloloko ko tuloy sila.

Should I tell them the truth? Unahan ko na ba bago nila malaman mula sa iba? Well, there was little to no chance that they would find out about the recording, unless someone from the police leaked it. Still it was just a matter of time.

"Tris, ano pang inuupo mo riyan? Male-late ka na."

I looked at the time on my phone screen. Half past seven. I would not be late in my classes if I could leave the house by 7:45.

Tumayo na ako't sinimulang iligpit ang aking pinagkainan, but my mom grabbed my plate. "Ako nang bahala rito. Maligo ka na muna. Mas importante 'yan."

"S-Sige po." I grabbed a towel outside and went straight to the bathroom.

Maybe it was not yet the right time to tell them. Maybe I would let them still believe in their faultless image of me.

THANK GOODNESS, I made it in time to my morning class. Kahit naligo na ako't nag-ayos kanina, hindi pa rin bumabalik ang motivation ko. I felt like I only attended classes because I had to, not because I wanted to learn. Pasok sa isang tainga at labas sa kabila ang sinasabi ng mga instructor. There was one time that I was called and I was not paying attention. Thankfully my seatmate coached me. Nalusutan ko ang pagkapahiya sa harap ng klase namin.

Even in the USC office, I did not drop by before going to the classroom, which was strange because I always greeted whoever was already there a good morning. Maliban sa dahilang male-late na ako sa klase, parang binabagabag ako ng konsensya ko. The revelation yesterday brought back a memory that I tried to bury in my mind.

This was all Sir Zafra's fault. And mine too.

Pagkatapos ng morning period namin, naglakas-loob akong pumunta sa USC office. No matter how unmotivated I was today, the fact remained that I was still an officer and I got some duties to perform. Hindi ko pwede ring ipahalata na may nagbago sa akin, lalo na ngayong kino-consider na akong suspek.

"Good afternoon," walang ganang bati ko sa mga kasama kong nandoon na. Unlike me, they greeted me enthusiastically, as if they were so excited to finish their tasks today.

I knew in myself that I had to keep up with them. Nitong mga nakaraang araw, parang wala ako sa sarili habang ginagawa ang tasks ko dahil sa pagkamatay ni Sir Zafra. Ngayon, wala akong gana dahil sa ginawa niya. He was always at the center of it.

Pumunta ako sa aking cubicle at umupo. I slowly turned my swivel chair from left to right and vice versa, staring at the ceiling even though there was nothing to stare at it. Nang muling bumaba ang aking tingin sa mesa ko, napansin ko ang envelope na nakaipit sa file rack. I stopped from swiveling in my chair, leaned forward and pulled it out. Binuksan ko ang envelope at inilabas ang mga laman nito.

Oh, yeah. The tip about Cole's and some basketball players' positive drug test results. I had not made up my mind if I would pursue this report. But one thing was for certain: it had been already confirmed, thanks to the recording in Sir Zafra's phone. Cole and his friends did drugs.

The next question was: what should I do with this piece of verified information?

It was too risky for my future in the student council. Exposing them would be extremely unpopular, given the strong support of the student body to our basketball team. I would be known as a traitor, the USC officer who sold out our precious players and cost us the possibility of a championship.

Keeping this a secret would be wise, especially for someone who would want the support of the majority to win in the next elections. 'Yon nga lang, kailangan kong ipagpalit ang prinsipyo ko at magbulag-bulagan sa kasong 'to.

I stared at the part in the report that said "positive."

Funny, this was the last problem that I shared to Sir Zafra. Hiningan ko siya ng opinyon kung ano sa tingin niya ang dapat kong gawin. He did not give me a direct answer, but he touted Cole as a good guy. He had the recording of the forbidden session, so he must have known already about the drug use. He could have told me the truth, but he chose not to. Mukhang hindi niya rin ako pinagkatiwalaan sa gano'ng bagay. And that kinda stung.

Well, my future in the USC was already at risk, so why shouldn't I go all in?

I slid the sheets of paper back inside the envelope and got to my feet. Pwede kong sabihan ang USC president tungkol sa tip, pero mas pinili kong idiretso na sa Office of Student Affairs. Sila na ang bahalang magdesisyon kung ano ang susunod na gagawin. All I needed to do was pass the tip.

Lumabas ako ng office at nilakad ang kahabaan ng hallway patungo sa hagdanan. The OSA was on the second floor and the trip there would only take three minutes. Minadali ko ang aking paglalakad. At least, I would be able to do something right today.

"Beatrice?"

Paakyat na ako ng hagdan nang may tumawag sa akin. I turned around to check where the voice came from. My eyes went wide when I saw Cole approaching me. Napahawak ako nang mahigpit sa envelope. He probably noticed it, so his eyes stared at what I was holding.

"Gusto sana kitang kausapin." Umakyat na sa mukha ko ang tingin niya. "May time ka ba? This won't take long."

Huminga muna ako nang malalim at sandaling napapikit ang mga mata ko. I was just a minute away from submitting this report.

"Fine, I can give you three minutes," I told him, crossing my arms and still clutching tightly on the envelope.

"It's about the tip that you received," Cole answered. I was not surprised anymore. There could only be two reason why he'd talk to me: First, about the investigation on Sir Zafra's death. Second, about the report that could shatter his world.

"What about it?"

"Alam kong alam mo na ang totoo. Ngayon . . . may plano ka na bang i-elevate ito sa university admin?"

I sucked in a breath. "I have to do my duty, Cole. Part ng trabaho ko na i-endorse ang mga serious complaint na natatanggap namin sa USC."

He averted his gaze for a second and his face flashed a hint of worry. Agad din niyang ibinalik ang tingin sa akin. "Bea, you see, a lot is at stake here. Kapag nalaman ng OSA ang tungkol doon, hindi lang ang pagiging varsity player ko at ng mga teammate ko ang maaapektuhan. Even my image and reputation will be affected."

"Then you shouldn't have done it in the first place. E 'di sana wala kang problema ngayon at hindi mo na ako kailangang guluhin."

"I was undergoing a lot of stress and pressure kaya nagawa ko 'yon. Hindi naman ako isang addict. I can change for the better."

Finally he gave the answer that I was looking for the last time we had a one-on-one conversation. But it was too late.

"A lot is also at stake for me here," I told him. "If I don't report this to OSA, posibleng magsumbong ang nagbigay sa akin ng tip at sabihing hindi ko ito binigyan ng tamang atensyon. Hindi lang ang pagiging USC officer ko ang maaapektuhan, maging ang chances ko na manalo sa susunod na student council election."

"Are you really going to throw away our likely chance of winning the inter-school basketball tournament?" he asked.

"Why do you make it sound like it's my fault that you're all facing this dilemma?" I replied. "Kayo mismo ang may gawa nito, hindi ako. Ang balak kong gawin ay ipaalam sa nakatataas kung ano ang katotohanan."

Cole bowed his head as he clenched his fists. Hinintay ko kung may sasabihin pa siya. Nang wala akong marinig, nagpatuloy na ako sa pag-akyat sa hagdanan.

"I'm sorry, Cole. I hope you understand why I need to do this—"

"If you do that, I'll them about you."

Instantly I turned around and gave him a glare. Was he suggesting . . .

"Kung meron kang dapat i-report sa OSA, unahin mo muna ang sarili mo," sabi niya. I was at a sudden loss for words that I was not able to reply. "You know what I'm talking about, Bea. Pareho tayong may itinatago. Don't act like you're clean."

I ground my teeth. Lalong napahigpit ang hawak ko sa envelope sa puntong nalukot na 'to. "You . . ."

"I hate Zack for what he did," Cole said. "But thanks to him, may bala ako laban sa 'yo."

Nagkapalitan kaming dalawa ng titig. Seryoso ang mga mata niya habang ang mga sa 'kin ay nanlilisik.

"You're blackmailing me," I muttered. "You dare do that to a USC officer?"

"This is what they call a quid pro quo," he answered. "If you won't tell them about the tip, I wouldn't tell them about the receipts. That way, I'll still be the basketball team captain while you'll still be a USC officer. Hindi ba mutually beneficial ang pananahimik mo para sa ating dalawa?"

My nails dug deep into my skin. If only Sir Zafra did not have a copy of that recording and the police did not show them to us yesteday, I would have the upperhand in this conversation. But no, we were on the same level. We both had leverage against each other.

"What will it be, Bea? Will you tell them or not?"

I clicked my tongue.

-30-

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