ANASTACIA

HINDI KO alam kung may mukha pa akong maihaharap kay Cole at sa mga kasama namin sa police precinct kanina. I felt like my clothes were torn from my body and I had to expose myself naked in front of everyone, out of my will. I hoped that was just figuratively, but it also happened literally in the form of the video.

Halos wala akong imik matapos kaming interview-in ng police detective. All throughout the meeting, I hung my head low out of embarrassment. There were so many thoughts in my head, I almost lost count of them.

Ano ang iisipin ni Cole tungkol sa akin?

Ano ang iisipin nina Beatrice at Desmond? Pati ni Atty. Frigette?

Ano ang iisipin ng mga pulis na nakapanood sa video?

Ano ang iisipin ni mama kapag nalaman niya ang tungkol dito?

Ano ang iisipin ng mga classmate at schoolmate ko sakaling mag-leak ang video?

At bakit nagawa ito sa akin ni Zack?

I felt betrayed. He stabbed me not only once but multiple times in the back. How I wish that I could ask him. But he's already dead. Gusto ko ng kasagutan. Pero wala na akong paraan para malaman ang katotohanan.

Hanggang sa pagsakay namin sa sasakyan ni Cole, nakayuko at tahimik pa rin ako. Tahimik kaming apat sa kabuuan ng biyahe. My secret wasn't the only one that was exposed. Maging ang itinatago ng tatlo kong kasama, naibunyag na rin. Salamat sa phone ni Zack. Isa-isang inihatid ni Cole ang mga kasama namin: una si Beatice, sunod si Desmond. Nang kaming dalawa na lamang ang naiwan, nanatili pa ring tahimik sa loob ng sasakyan.

If I didn't have any secret in that device, I would have been pissed and argued relentlessly with Cole. Paano niya nagawang gumamit ng drugs? At sa loob pa mismo ng campus? Nang mapanood ko ang video niya kanina, doon ko pa lang na-realize kung bakit nagtanong sa akin si Beatrice noong nasa despedida party kami ni sir. I defended him because I believed that if he was using, I'd be the first one to know. But looked like I didn't know him at all.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, both of us had secrets that we wished the late Zack brought to his grave. Pareho kaming makasalanan at may kasalanan. Hindi ko lang masabi kung alin ang mas malala at mas mahirap patawarin.

"Are you disappointed in me?"

I raised my head and looked sideways at Cole. Sa wakas, nabasag na rin ang katahimikan sa pagitan namin. This wasn't the usual scenario kapag magkasama kami sa kotse niya. He usually asked me kung kumusta ang theater classes ko, kung may nang-aaway ba sa akin. Ako naman, sasagot at tatanungin siya kung kumusta ang kanilang preparations para sa inter-school basketball competitions.

My eyes looked down at my lap. Hindi ko namalayan ang sakit sa pagkabaon ng mga kuko ko sa aking palad. "I don't think na nasa tamang posisyon ako para sabihing disappointed ako."

Muli namang natahimik sa loob ng sasakyan. Naipit kami sa traffic sa may intersection. He was repeated tapping his fingers on the driving wheel as if he was getting impatient.

"Are you . . ." I cleared my throat when I tried to speak. "Are you disappointed in me?"

Cole didn't look at me. Diretso sa kalsada ang kanyang titig. Nang maging green ang ilaw sa stop light, he turned the wheel to the right.

I swallowed the lump in my throat as I waited for his answer. Siguro naman, may karapatan din akong itanong 'yon sa kanya. Gusto kong malaman kung ano ang nararamdaman niya ngayon sa akin. Nagbago ba ang tingin niya matapos mapanood ang video? I doubt that it didn't change anything in him.

"Disappointed? No," he finally spoke, shaking his head slowly. "I'm furious, Stacy. I'm freaking furious." He slammed his fist on the horn when a motorcycle tried to overtake us. My shoulders jerked up as I flinched.

That should have been expected. Hindi ko siya masisisi kung galit siya sa ginawa ko. Kapag nalaman ito ng ibang tao, malamang ikahihiya nila ako. "I'm sorry—"

"Don't be sorry." He shot me a sidelong glance before returning his gaze at the road ahead. "I'm not angry at you."

My brows furrowed at him. I thought sa akin siya galit na galit.

"You're the victim here, Stacy," he went on to explain when he noticed my confused face. "Zack was a college instructor in the university. He had the power and influence over you. He decided to take advantage of whatever you felt toward him."

"But I consented . . ."

"Your consent doesn't make what he did less distasteful," Cole said. "He should have known better. Mas matanda siya sa 'yo. Kahit hindi ka niya pinuwersang gawin 'yon . . . ah, basta! Mali 'yon at mali rin ang ginawa niyang pag-record doon. Sigurado akong walang consent mo 'yon, tama?"

I nodded. I would have never given my consent to him or anyone to record the deed. Sa panahon ngayon, posibleng ma-hack ang isang phone at ma-access ang files nito. Any photo or video with sexual content could be easily uploaded or shared with people who had nothing better to do with their lives.

"If only I could, I would have killed him because of this," Cole muttered. Lalong humigpit ang hawak niya sa manibela. "He'd be dead twice."

My head turned to him and stared at his face. His eyes narrowed into slits, his nostrils flared and his teeth gritted. He was fuming mad. Nag-alala tuloy ako na baka may masagasaan siya sa sobrang galit niya. We'd never know what one man could do when he's feeling angry. He could the most irrational thing that I wouldn't think he's capable of.

Nanahimik na lang ako sa aking upuan. I figured na mas mabuting hindi na ako mag-comment o magsalita. Baka lalong tumindi ang galit o inis niya kay Zack.

Somehow, I felt relieved that he's not angry at me. He saw me as a victim, not someone who let myself be naive in front of a college instructor. To be fair to sir, I didn't care whether he's my teacher, counselor or advisor. What mattered to me at the moment we did the deed was my feelings toward him. I didn't care what the world would think.

Sadly, Zack betrayed my trust. Dapat hindi na niya ni-record ang ginawa namin.

The buildings blurred past us as Cole continued driving. Unti-unti na siyang kumalma mula sa panggagalaiti kanina. My shut up strategy was effective to keep himself cool.

"I'm sorry."

Lumingon ako sa kanya at nagtagpo ang tingin namin.

"I just . . . I just felt pressured that's why I did it. My parents. My studies. My basketball team," Cole explained. Hindi ko na kinailangang itanong kung ano ang inihihingi niya ng tawad. "I didn't tell you because I was afraid of what you might think of me. I only did it a few times, I swear."

Naintindihan ko naman kung bakit hindi niya masabi sa akin. We've just gotten close recently and we're not obligated to tell each other the demons we're battling every day. Sana'y totoong ilang beses niya lang ginawa 'to. I had to give him the benefit of the doubt.

"Kung gano'n, alam na ni Sir Zack ang tungkol doon?" tanong ko. "Kaya ba sinugod mo siya sa faculty room noong isang araw?"

"Kung alam ko lang, dapat pinuruhan ko na ang mukha niya," sagot ni Cole. "Ang akala ko'y siya ang pasikretong nagbigay ng positive drug test result ko kay Beatrice. Nang magkausap kami sa party niya, c-in-onfront ko siya. Sinabi niyang hindi siya. At kung siya man daw 'yon, diniretso na niya sa OSA kaysa i-tip sa student council."

That sounded logical. Kung may balak si Zack na siraan si Cole sa buong campus, taking the results directly to the OSA directly would have done the trick. Sa ngayon kasi, parang bine-verify pa ni Bea kung totoo ba ang results o hindi.

"And did you believe him?" I asked.

"What he'd said made sense to me," Cole answered, glancing at me. "Wala akong makitang rason kung bakit niya ipadaraan kay Bea ang results. I guess someone from the team who knew about it tipped her off."

Nagpatuloy sa pagda-drive si Cole hanggang sa makarating kami sa bahay ko. He parked the car on the side and unlocked the doors. Sinamahan niya ako sa pagbaba sa kotse at inihatid sa doorstep namin. He could have just let me on my own and watch me go to my house, but he didn't.

"Kung kailangan mo ng kausap, you know my number," he said.

Niyakap ko siya nang mahigpit. This wasn't like my usual embrace. Mas matagal at mas mahigpit. Parang ayaw ko na siyang pakawalan pa. I was so glad to have someone who's understanding as him. I was so happy that he's willing to be here and there for me despite everything. Kung ibang tao kaya ang nasa posisyon niya, would that person have done the same? Would that person have understood me or would he have been ashamed of me?

Well, there's no need to ask those questions. Nasa harapan ko na ang totoong sagot.

"I'm always here for you, okay?" Cole whispered in my ear. "Basta kung kailangan mo ako, sabihin mo lang sa akin."

"Ako rin, nandito lang para sa 'yo," bulong ko pabalik. I rested my head on his chest. I could hear and feel his heartbeat.

"We'll make this through. We'll put this behind us soon enough."

"I hope so."

Kahit ayaw ko pang bumitaw ng yakap, kailangan. My arms finally let go of him. I tilted my head up and stared at him in the eye. He did the same to me. For a second, I thought we're going for a kiss.

But this wasn't the right time. Not after what happened today. Especially not in our doorstep. Mom might see us.

"See you tomorrow."

Kumaway si Cole sa akin habang naglalakad pabalik sa kotse niya. Hindi muna ako pumasok sa loob para panoorin ang kanyang pag-alis. He started his car engine and started to drive off. My eyes followed his car until he was out of my eyeshot.

Huminga muna ako nang malalim bago binuksan ang pinto at pumasok. Bumati sa akin ang malawak na ngiti ni mama na nakaupo sa couch at abala sa kanyang tablet. I forced a smile back at her. The curve on her lips instantly faded and her eyebrows almost connected.

"Is something wrong, my dear?" she asked.

I maintained the forced smile. Hindi ko alam kung saan galing ang tanong niya. Narinig niya ba ang usapan namin ni Cole kanina? But we lowered our voice when we were talking. Nakita ba niya ang yakap naming dalawa? I doubt that since she's comfortably seated in the couch.

"Wrong?" A few things went wrong today, but I didn't want to make her worry. Ayaw ko nang makaragdag sa iisipin niya. This was a burden that I must carry on my own.

Mom frowned at me. "Alam ko kapag may problema ka, Stacy. I can tell just by looking at you. Sabihin na nating mother's instinct." Binitawan niya muna ang tablet, tumayo at lumapit sa akin. She stared at me directly in the eye. Kung kaya niyang basahin ang nasa isipan ko, malalaman niyang nagsisinungaling ako at may itinatago sa kanya.

But mom didn't have to be a mind reader. "What's wrong, honey? You can tell me. I'm here to listen to you."

Tumagal pa ang titigan namin hanggang sa maramdaman kong naglalawa na ang mga mata ko. Yumakap ako kay mama at doon na bumuhos ang mga luha ko. I buried my face into her chest. Cole's embrace wasn't the only one I needed right now.

Kanina ko pa pinipigilang mag-breakdown. Kanina pa gustong bumigay ng mga tuhod ko, pero kinontrol ko ang aking sarili. I wanted to look strong in front of Cole and everyone else. I wanted to show them that I wouldn't be easily taken down by the revelations today.

But this was too much for me already. I was heartbroken at the death of Zack. Now I felt betrayed by the very person whose loss I was mourning. Hindi ko na alam kung ano ang mararamdaman ko sa kanya . . . kung ano ang mararamdaman ko sa sarili ko.

"If you're not yet ready to tell me, that's fine. Ilabas mo lang ang kinikimkim mo. That might make you feel better."

Hinaplos-haplos ni mama ang likuran ko. She just let my tears wet her dress. She just let me cry my heart out. Umalingawngaw ang pag-iyak ko sa sala.

-30-

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