TRIGGER WARNING:  This chapter contains some details that might be disturbing to some readers, including, but not limited to, references to lewdness and rape.

Please be mindful of these sensitive themes and other possible triggers. Remember to practice self-care before, during and after reading.

BEATRICE

IF I had known that would be the last we would ever have an honest one-on-one talk, I wished I had asked him more questions and got the answers that I was seeking for. I wished I did not hold back when I got the chance.

"Sir, I can't thank you enough for everything you've done for me," I told Sir Zafra when it was my turn to talk to him in private. Anastacia came here before me, and they spent fifteen minutes on the balcony. Yes, I counted because I was always looking at the time on my phone screen, eagerly waiting for my turn. "For that, I am truly, truly grateful."

I took the seat beside him and looked at the evening scenery in front of us. I put my head on his right shoulder and held his hand. "Kung hindi dahil sa inyo, wala ako sa posisyon na 'to ngayon."

"You deserved that position in the council more than anyone else," Sir Zafra said. "The USC would have been way different if that Sean won the seat. All I did was to clear the path for you. You did the rest of the job by yourself. Kung may dapat kang pasalamatan, walang iba kundi ang sarili mo."

I would like to think of him as a genie who could grant people's wishes. In the last student council general elections, I ran as an independent for the position of secretary. My opponent was from the ruling party. He had a greater chance of winning. I was clearly the underdog in the secretarial race. I would have possibly lost because I was not that popular.

Frustrated, I went to the Guidance and Counseling Office and there I confided with Sir Zafra my thoughts and feelings. I told him that I might not have a shot at winning, and my possible loss was stressing me out. He tried to comfort me, but words were not enough to soothe my soul. I had to win! I knew I should win!

Not to brag, but I knew in myself that I would do a great job—not just good—as the USC secretary. How about my opponent? Not to be judgmental, but he was not even half as competent as I was. He was probably one of those aspiring officers who wanted to use their popularity to win a seat in the council.

When Sir Zafra learned of my dilemma, he promised me that the situation would get better and that I should trust in my potential. I left his office with only a quarter of my burdens lifted. I even asked myself if I had made the right choice of confiding in him.

Then the situation did get better. The next day, our campus paper published an article about an audio recording where Sean was caught saying stuff that were lewd and disturbing.

"Alam n'yo bang matagal ko nang pinagnanasahan 'yang si ******? Gusto ko nga siyang lasingin 'tapos gawin kong pulutan! Mukha siyang masarap, eh!"

"Napaka-aggressive mo naman, pre!"

"Huwag ka ngang painosente riyan! Kahit ikaw siguro, gusto mo rin siyang matikman. What if yayain natin siya 'tapos . . . alam n'yo na. Lagyan natin ng magic tablet 'yong inumin niya? Hindi na makapapalag 'yon!"

This was allegedly recorded in one of their drinking sessions. No one knew who were with him, and who could have recorded him. But one thing was for sure: the incident affected his chances of winning. Even his own party had to publicly denounce him and remove him from the slate. He even got a one-way ticket to the Office of Student Affairs.

What a coincidence, I thought, that the audio scandal was leaked the day after I almost broke down. But that was not a coincidence. That was part of someone's plan. Guess who was behind the leak?

"The odds are in your favor now," Sir Zafra had told me in my next visit to the guidance office. "Let me be the first to congratulate you, Madam Secretary."

I had no idea how he did it. In just a snap of his fingers, Sean was out of the way. The path was cleared for me. Asking him how he did it no longer crossed my mind. It was enough for me to know that I was on my way to winning the secretarial position.

That was also the time I had started to admire Sir Zafra. I had met a number of people, I had a number of suitors. But only he possessed the charm that got me captivated. It was not about his looks, which was average at best. It was about his charisma, his words and his ability to make things happen.

"Mukhang mahaba ang pinag-usapan n'yo ni Stacy," I said out of the blue while we were enjoying our moment in the balcony. This might be the last time so I should savor it.

"Gano'n ka ba ka-excited na makausap ako in private?" He chuckled. "Kaya napansin mo kung gaano kami katagal nag-usap? I wouldn't say we talked that long. Parang ang bilis lang ng pinag-usapan namin."

"Ano ba ang pinag-usapan n'yo?" I asked, looking at him. Curiosity got the better of me, so I had to ask or my mind would not shut up about it.

He looked up at the night sky, trying to remember what their discussion was about. He should not have a hard time recalling because only minutes had passed since Stacy left this balcony.

"I wished her good luck and promised her that I'd try to watch her next performance. I won't be physically there to support her anymore."

"And?"

"And . . . ?" He gave me a squinted look. "May dapat pa ba akong idagdag?"

"Wala na ba kayong ibang pinag-usapan?"

His eyebrows knitted. "Why are you so curious about her? Kung may iniisip ka na—"

"Wala naman akong iniisip na kahit ano," I interrupted him. "You know how naturally curious I am."

"I don't see any reason why you'd be curious about the conversation between me and a theater actress. Unless, you're getting jealous?"

"Jealous? Of her?" I laughed it off. Why would I be jealous of that person? She might be prettier than me and she might have tons of admirers, but those were not enough to make me feel insecure.

"Don't worry." He patted my head gently. "There's nothing going on between me and Stacy, okay? I'm one of her biggest supporters. That's all there is."

Our eyes met and were locked into a staring contest. Then my gaze focused on his lips. I felt a stabbing pain in my chest.

"Is something wrong?" he asked.

"No, nothing." I moved my head toward him and went for a kiss. Our lips locked for a minute. This might be the last time, so I better savor it.

I wished that I could genuinely enjoy this moment with him, but I could not. Something was bothering me. That thought was consuming my happiness. Why did he have a red lipstick stain on his lips? Only two people in this house wore lipstick. Mine was nude color while the other person's was deep red. I swore I did not notice that stain on Sir Zafra's lips when I got a closer look at him in the living room.

I pulled my head away slowly from him as I opened my eyes. My gaze lingered on him for a few more seconds.

"By the way, is this the first time that Stacy came into your house?" I asked.

"Yes." He nodded. "Pati si Cole, first time na makapunta rito. I invited them before, but they always declined. Kayong dalawa ni Desmond ang ilang beses nang nakapasok dito."

I forced a smile. That kinda hurt me. I felt like he was lying. No, I knew he was lying.

When Stacy arrived early this evening, she said that she needed to use the comfort room. She knew where it was. If this was truly her first time here, she would have asked us for directions. There was also no sign hanging on the comfort room's door, so she could not have known it by herself.

The next question bothering me was, why did Sir Zafra lie to me? Why was he lying to me?

"Speaking of Cole," Sir Zafra snapped my consciousness back to reality, "how's the tip about him and the other varsity players?"

I mentioned the issue to him in our last week's session. He had been my unofficial consultant, and I valued his advice so much. I had my own convictions, but I wanted them to be validated first by talking to someone who could give me an unbiased opinion.

"I'm still verifying the complaint before I open the topic to the committee," I answered. What a good way to change the topic. "Ayaw kong makuryente sa ganitong kalaking issue. We're not talking about just one student here. We're talking about five."

Last week, I received an anonymous tip. The envelope was addressed to me and left in the USC office. The sender's name was not indicated so I got no way of tracing who had sent it. Enclosed in the envelope were copies of drug test results. One of them was Cole's—the most popular varsity player in the campus.

"Do you think pursuing this tip is worthwhile?" I asked. "Pwede kasing paninira ito sa varsity players natin. At kung totoo ang nasa drug test results, our basketball team will greatly suffer. May upcoming inter-school tournament pa naman next month."

"Hmm . . ." Sir Zafra folded his arms across his chest. "Something struck me as odd. Why would they send the report to you?"

"Huh?" My eyebrows knitted at him. "What do you mean?"

"Kung gusto talagang i-expose ng nagpadala niyan ang varsity players natin, bakit ipadadala anonymously sa 'yo? Why not to the Office of Student Affairs? Puputok agad ang kuwento, ipatatawag ang mga involved, at marurumihan ang image ni Cole at ng iba pa."

I gave his answer some thought. He was right. If someone wanted to take down the players, there was a more efficient way of doing it. Why send the results to me? Why not to a university office?

"Why indeed?" I muttered, my eyes looking down at my shoes. I had not asked myself that question before.

"Anyway, nasa 'yo ang copies ng drug test results. Nasa 'yo ang bola."

"I asked Cole about it last Wednesday," I revealed, glancing at him. "He was shocked when I told him about the tip. He didn't give me any answer. He didn't even outright deny it. Basta gulat na gulat siya na parang 'di niya in-expect na may makaaalam. I really want to get to the bottom of the issue."

"But?" Sir Zafra asked.

"But Cole and the others . . . exposing this will affect our sports athletes," I replied, looking down again. "It's going to be a burden on my part."

"I know nothing about his fellow varsity players. But Cole? He's definitely a good guy," Sir Zafra commented. "I've known him for months. Passion niya talaga ang paglalaro ng basketball. He's hoping na makabawi tayo sa lose streak natin sa inter-school basketball tournament. Without him, and the others too, our standing in the division might suffer."

That should not be my problem because rules are rules. If someone broke them, that someone must pay for it. However, as a student leader, I always had to consider the repercussions of my decision. If only making decisions was just easy, I would not be in this problem.

"But I understand your dilemma," he went on. "Kung verified nga ang drug test results, you'll be torn between your duty and the future of our basketball team. You have to choose wisely."

"You're not going to suggest which decision I must choose?"

Sir Zafra shook his head slowly. "You plan to run for the highest office, right? Consider this dilemma as your test. Can you make tough decisions? Or are you willing to make compromises? I won't be around next academic year so you'll be on your own. My only advice to you? Make a decision that will let you sleep well at night."

"Sila ang may ginawang kabalbalan pero bakit ako ang nahihirapan?" I muttered to myself.

Once I verified the report and chose to elevate it to the Office of Student Affairs, I might be remembered as the student who cost us the potential championship in the inter-school tournament. My name would be on the Clarion's explosive article. Fans could hate me for what I did. This might affect my potential candidacy as USC president.

But if I chose to ignore the anonymous tip, and let Cole and his fellow players stay in their teams, I would not have to carry that burden. I would look the other way and pretend that I saw or heard nothing. While this course of action might be less stressful, my conscience could be knocking on me every night. I would want to be a fair and unbiased USC president, should I be elected. But if I compromised my duty and principles, what would that say about me?

"So what is it gonna be?" Sir Zafra asked, looking me in the eye. "Is it Cole and his friends, or your conscience?"

I let out a sigh. That was not a question I could answer right now. "Mukhang kailangan ko pang pag-isipan nang maigi. For now, I'll wait for the confirmation if the drug test results are legit. Once I have it, that's when I need to make a decision."

"Good luck, then."

How I wished we talked about something else instead of my dilemma.

-30-

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