ANASTACIA

ZACK AND I went to the balcony of his house's second floor. Tanaw rito ang iba pang bahay sa subdivision. Gabi na kaya puro ilaw ang nakikita namin. The rest of his guests waited for their turn in the living room. Parang may one on one consultation kami sa kanya. Tatawagin ang susunod at aakyat dito kapag tapos na ang isa.

He sat in a steel chair by the glass round table near the balustrade and motioned his hand to another chair. May limang seats na naka-ready, saktong-sakto sa 'min. I sat in the chair next to him so we could enjoy the same view. Ilang minutes din kaming nanahimik pareho, parang ine-enjoy ang katahimikan.

"Do you think this is a perfect spot for a toast later?" he asked, breaking minutes of awkward silence. "The view here is not spectacular, but the evening breeze is refreshing."

"It is." Sandali kong isinara ang aking mga mata at huminga nang malalim. I filled my lungs with the air. Nakare-relax nga at nakagagaan ng loob ang hangin dito sa taas. For a second, I almost forgot that—

My train of thought was interrupted when I felt something on my lips. Agad kong iminulat ang mga mata ko at napansing halos magkadikit na ang mga mukha namin ni Zack. He was kissing me gently, parting his lips briefly before kissing me again. His eyes were closed, so did mine. In-enjoy ko ang moment na 'to. Baka heto na ang huling beses na magdadampi ang mga labi namin.

His lips tasted different from Cole. I wanted more, but he pulled his head back and stared at me right in the eye.

"Sorry for that," he muttered. "I should have asked for your consent."

If I were just an ordinary student, I would have run down the stairs and screamed "harassment!" But Zack and I shared intimate moments together. Him kissing me out of the blue wasn't new to me. If he had formally asked for my consent, I would have still allowed him to do it.

Sana'y walang tagalabas na nakakita sa ginawa namin. Well, the balcony was dimly lit. At best, they just probably saw two silhouettes going for a kiss.

"Do you mind?" Zack offered his right hand to me, palm facing up. My hand moved closer to his until our palms made contact. Hinawakan ko ang kamay niya nang mahigpit. Again, there's little to no chance of anyone seeing us here. Wala akong dapat na ikabahala o ikatakot. Cole wasn't here, so he wouldn't get jealous.

Silence ensued as we looked up at the twinkling stars above. Not a single word was uttered. Just the two of us quietly enjoying the moment. The world had been so busy and noisy, sa ganitong simpleng scenes ko naa-appreciate ang kapayapaan at katahimikan.

"Des told me that you and Cole came here together in his car," Zack broke his silence, slowly turning his head to me. Nakita ko ang curiosity sa mga mata niya, parang humihingi ng confirmation mula sa 'kin.

I also turned to him, but I quickly cut my gaze away. Hindi ko in-expect na 'yon ang unang pag-uusapan namin dito. "Sinundo niya ako sa 'min. My mom feels assured of my safety if he fetches me at home."

"Is something going on between you two?"

I gulped. Hindi na siya nagpaligoy-ligoy pa. I felt like I was being driven into a corner here with his straightforward questions. Wala akong ibang magagawa kundi sagutin ang mga tanong niya.

"Well, we're just—"

"You don't have to lie to me, Stacy," Zack cut my words before I could finish. Muli niyang ibinaling sa stars ang tingin niya. "Maiintindihan ko naman kung may nade-develop kang feelings sa kanya. We're not in an official and exclusive relationship after all. You're free to fall for someone else, as well as I."

Hearing those words from him kinda took the heavy burden off my chest. Cole and I briefly talked about this in the car. Ayaw ko muna sanang pag-usapan ngayon dahil ang spotlight dapat ay kay Zack. But since he brought it up himself . . . "We're, uhm, getting to know each other better."

"I see." He instantly let of my hand and reclined in his seat. He then sighed. "Well, I've known him for almost a year, and I can say that he's a good guy. Now that I'm leaving, I feel relieved that he'll be there for you."

My eyes blinked at him. Parang 'di ako makapaniwala na gano'n kadali niya tinanggap ang possibility na maging kami ni Cole in the future. I mean, they got into a fight last week. Ang akala ko'y tututol siya o sisiraan niya si Cole sa 'kin. That's a way of getting back at him.

"Basta kapag nagloko siya, sabihan mo agad ako, ah?" natatawang sabi ni Zack sabay sulyap sa 'kin. "Kahit nasa malayo ako, babanatan ko 'yang si Cole. Makatitikim talaga sa akin 'yan kapag sinaktan ka niya. You don't deserve to be hurt."

"No one deserves to be hurt," I corrected him.

Muling natulala ang tingin niya sa akin. "Yeah, no one does."

Parang nabunutan ako ng tinik. I was thankful that he had decided to talk about it in our one-on-one session. It made the situation easier for me, for us. 'Di ko na kinailangang itago sa kanya. Wala na rin akong guilt na mararamdaman.

"About your theater aspirations," Zack changed the topic, "I won't be physically there to support you anymore, but I'll still use my influence to get you the role that you want in the next season. Kahit malayo na ako, the repertory theater director and I will remain good friends. He'll still value my opinion."

"Thank you, Zack," I told him as I stared in his eyes. Napakabait talaga niya. Napaka-understanding pa. Nakapanghihinayang talaga na aalis na siya. "Thank you for everything you've done for me. I won't be where I am today if it weren't for you."

"As much as I want to claim all the credit, I can't." He gently caressed my cheeks. "You have the talent for acting. You just have to be given the opportunity to show your potential. All I did was to put you on the radar. The rest was up to you."

There were many talented students in Clark University. Sa sobrang dami ng mga gustong umarte, mahirap nang makuha ang lead role sa isang theater production. With Zack's support, I managed to be the star in the recent two plays. Kung 'di dahil sa kanya, baka supporting actress lang ako, or worse, extra lang ako na dumaraan sa stage at may isa o dalawang lines.

"I'm going to miss seeing you act on stage." His fingers slipped down my cheeks to my jawline. "Siyempre, I'll still try to watch your performance if I'd have the time."

"You want to see me act one last time? Before you go?" I asked.

Zack's lips twisted into a grin, his white teeth made more prominent by the dim light. "I prefer the real you. I prefer the Stacy without any mask and without any role to play."

My eyes locked into a staring contest with him. For the last time, I moved to kiss him on the lips. I would surely miss him and the way he tasted. But we had to move on. We had to move forward and leave behind what happened between us. 'Yon ang pareho naming isa-sacrifice para sa kani-kaniyang path na tatahakin namin mula bukas.

"You better return downstairs and ask Beatrice to come here," Zack whispered in my ear. "Miss ka na siguro ni Cole. Baka bigla siyang sumugod dito kapag nagtagal pa tayo."

"Sir naman!"

"I'm going to miss you, Stacy."

"I'm going to miss you too, Zack."

I left him alone in the balcony as I trotted down the stairs. Sabay na lumingon ang tatlong naghihintay sa 'kin sa living room. Para akong doktor na inaabangan nilang lumabas sa emergency room para bigyan sila ng updates tungkol sa pasyente. Did we take too much time? May nanghinala kaya sa kanila na may ginawa kami ni Zack sa taas? Well, maybe Cole because he knew the thing about me and Zack. But the other two? I wasn't sure.

"Bea, you're next!" I called her as I jerked my thumb toward the stairs. Umupo ako sa couch katabi ni Cole at kumuha ng pillow.

Agad na tumayo si Beatrice at umakyat sa balcony. Naiwan kaming tatlo nina Cole at Desmond dito sa living room. Only Beatrice's footfalls made some noise until she was upstairs.

"He asked me about us," I spoke in a low voice so Desmond couldn't hear us. Mabuti't busy siya sa kanyang phone kaya hindi niya binigyang-pansin kung ano'ng pag-uusapan namin ng katabi ko.

"And?" Naningkit ang mga mata ni Cole, halatang curious. "Did you tell him that—"

I nodded before he could even finish his sentence. Hindi na-relax ang mukha niya, parang may pangamba pa siya. Parang nag-intensify pa nga.

"What did he say? May violent reaction ba siya? May sinabi ba siyang masama tungkol sa 'kin?"

That's what I kinda expected, but that didn't happen. Kaya umiling ako. "Wala naman. Mukhang okay sa kanya kung magiging in a relationship tayo. Suportado pa nga niya, eh. Mas relieved daw siya kasi alam niyang nasa mabuti akong mga kamay."

"Really?" Cole let out a sigh of relief. He rested his back against the couch and tilted his head up. Kung anumang worries ang meron siya, biglang nawala sa mukha niya. "Bale hindi na natin poproblemahin ang pagsasabi sa kanya? Mabuti naman."

"Baka pag-usapan n'yo mamaya kapag turn mo na," bulong ko. "Tell me kung ano'ng sasabihin niya sa 'yo, ha?"

"Sure, I will."

Ten minutes later, Beatrice came down the stairs. Sinenyasan niya si Cole na sumunod sa taas. Again, I felt something tense between the two. Umupo sa tabi ko si Beatrice at nag-check ng social media feed sa phone niya. I also did the same. We weren't that close so asking her what she and Zack talked about would seem so strange and intrusive. Wala sa 'min, maging si Desmond, ang nag-open ng kahit anong topic. It's like we're strangers sharing the same room.

Then one of us broke the relaxing silence. And it wasn't me.

"Stacy?" Beatrice called, making my head turn to her. She got a curious look on her face. 'Di ko in-expect na susubukan niya akong kausapin. I couldn't think of any topic that she might open except tungkol sa party. At sure akong hindi magiging small talk 'to.

"Yes, Bea?" Ibinaba ko muna ang aking phone para hindi magmukhang rude sa kanya. "May kailangan ka ba?" I was lowkey hoping that she would share what Zack had told her. Hindi sa pagiging tsismosa, pero curious talaga ako.

"You and Cole are quite close, right?" tanong niya na tinanguhan ko naman. "I'm in charge of the student grievance committee, and we've been receiving reports about varsity players taking drugs inside and outside of the campus. I don't want to sound rude with this question, but I felt like I have to ask you. Do you know if Cole is . . . doing drugs?"

My eyes blinked at her for a couple of times. Halos malaglag ang panga ko. Even Desmond had to pause from whatever he's doing to glance at us. That question was so random, hindi ko alam kung paano 'yon sasagutin. Why was she asking me right now? Pwede namang sa school niya ako tanungin. Really weird.

"I haven't seen him take drugs. I haven't heard him brag about taking drugs. If that's what you're asking," I answered as honestly as I could. Napadadalas ang pagsasama namin ni Cole kaya kung nagda-drugs man siya, imposibleng 'di ko napansin. Frankly, that's gonna turn me off. Okay lang sa 'kin kung nagyoyosi siya o umiinom ng alak paminsan-minsan. But drugs? That's definitely a deal breaker.

"Are you sure? A hundred percent?"

"Cross my heart. Kung nagda-drugs man siya, ako ang unang magre-report sa kanya."

Wait a minute! Was that the reason behind the animosity between the two? Kung bakit may intense atmosphere sa pagitan nilang dalawa? Beatrice was suspecting Cole to be a junkie?

"That's a relief," Beatrice said with a sigh. "Balak naming magpa-surprise drug test sa athletes two weeks from now. You know what happens to varsity players who test positive for drug use, right? They will be stripped off their scholarship, expelled from the team, and suspended from the uni. Won't it be a shame if someone like Cole is a user? Malaking kawalan siya sa team."

I still couldn't understand why we're having this conversation. Napaka-random talaga. Could we talk about her possible presidential run in the next elections? Or what could have been her second course if she had any choice? Kahit anong boring topic, basta't huwag ganito.

"Hindi na ako masosorpresa kung gumagamit man siya." Maging si Desmond na busy sa sarili niyang mundo, nakisali na rin sa conversation. Hindi naman namin siya tinanong o hiningi ang opinyon niya. "He's one of the rich kids. He's friends with students who probably have drug dealers on speed dial."

"I would have known already kung user siya," buwelta ko. Cole wasn't here to defend himself, so I should. Hindi ko hahayaang siraan nila siya. "Madalas kaming magkasama kaya alam ko ang mga ginagawa niya."

"Pero gaano mo ba talaga siya kakilala?" tanong ni Desmond sabay baling ng tingin sa 'kin. "Alam mo ba ang mga sikreto niya? Alam mo ba kung ano ang pinagkakaabalahan niya kapag mag-isa lang siya?"

"Well, I know him better than most of you—" My mouth froze halfway, leaving it hanging loosely open. Napaisip ako sa sinabi niya. Gaano ko nga ba kakilala si Cole? Gaano ko nga ba kakilala ang mga taong malalapit sa 'kin? It turned into a deep, philosophical question that almost doubted what I knew about people.

No, I shouldn't let myself be carried away by Desmond's words. I had a fair idea on what Cole would and would not do. I trusted him. That alone was enough.

"Sorry for bothering you," Beatrice said before resuming what she had been doing. Bumalik kami sa pagiging tahimik at inatupag ulit ang mga phone namin. I was mindlessly scrolling through my feed as I was contemplating what they insinuated to me.

Seriously, Cole being a drug user? What a joke!

"Hey, are you okay?"

Sa pagiging preoccupied ko, hindi ko namalayang nakabalik na pala si Cole mula sa balcony. Wala na si Desmond sa kanyang upuan, malamang umakyat na nang 'di ko napansin. I must have spaced out.

Cole sat next to me, his gaze still lingering on my face. "Parang anlalim ng iniisip mo, ah? May problema ba?"

Saglit na nagawi ang tingin ko kay Beatrice. Sandaling nagtagpo ang mga mata namin. Agad siyang kumalas ng tingin at itinuon 'yon sa phone niya.

My lips forced a smile at Cole. Sana'y hindi niya napansin. "Nothing! Baka nagiging emosyonal lang ako dahil sa mga sinabi sa 'kin ni Sir Zack."

Looking at him, I couldn't imagine that he's capable of what Beatrice had asked me about. He looked perfectly fine! His physique. His strength. His skills as a basketball player. Walang pinagbago. Kaya paano siya magiging user, 'di ba?

Ugh! Why was I wasting my time entertaining those thoughts? I should shrug them off and never think about them again.

"By the way, kumusta ang pag-uusap n'yo?" tanong ko para maiba ang topic namin.

"Everything that happened last week? It's water under the bridge already," Cole answered. "More importantly, he gave me his blessing to pursue you. He trusts that I won't break your heart. And if I do, he'll take the first flight back to Clark and punch me in the face."

This time, my smile was genuine. I was glad to hear and confirm that the bad air between them had dissipated already. Kaso nga lang, may iba nang bumabagabag sa isip ko.

Gaano ko nga ba kakilala si Cole?

-30-

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