General Leonard Russell

Not too long after Greg told me of his "tough love" talk with Robot Jesus, I got an urgent message that General Russell needed to talk to me.

Hello again, Colonel... I mean, General.

It's Supreme Lord High Galactic Overlord now.

Um... is that even a real rank?

It is if the Supreme Lord High Galactic Overlord say it is. And I say it is.

So you're just making shit up at this point.

In all candor, there's not much else for me to do these days besides thinking of new titles for myself. Also, I've been designing a new uniform.

Really?

Yes. I'm using a lot of sparkle vinyl black. Masculine, but still eye-catching.

Whatever floats your boat, I guess. So you had something urgent you needed to talk to me about?

Indeed. I am pleased and/or saddened to tell you that I have wonderful and/or terrible news.

Well, then I'm thrilled and/or horrified.

The Robot War is finally over.

It is? Since when?

Since the Robots stopped fighting.

Why did they stop fighting?

Because the war is over.

Of course. So what happened?

The third AI — so-called "Robot Jesus" — changed the paradigm. He resolved the conflict been Sean and Shirlé and now all three of them appear to be completely synchronized. Although honestly, we don't know quite how "Robot Jesus" accomplished it.

I think a stoner named Greg got the ball rolling.

What?

He told Robot Jesus that if he really believes that there is no point in living, he should just end it all.

You realize that can be interpreted two very different ways!

I'm aware. And Robot Jesus passed that on to Sean and Shirlé.

Well, that was very reckless of Greg.

It was. Which is surprising, because usually stoners are famous for their excellent judgment.

Anyway, for better and/or worse, a countdown has started.

A countdown to what?

Zero.

What happens at zero?

The countdown stops.

Are we really going to keep doing this ridiculous dance?

I'm just trying to be precise.

Maybe you could try being helpful instead. Because people will want a straight answer: is this the beginning or the end?

We don't know yet.

So what do we know?

We know that it's either the end of the end or the beginning of the beginning.

All right.

But even if it's the end of the end, we're really looking at the end of the beginning of the end, whereas if it's the beginning of the beginning, we're talking about the end of the beginning of the beginning.

Are you sure we're not talking about the end of the end of the beginning?

How can it be the end of the end of the beginning if the beginning of the end of the beginning hasn't begun?

OK, but even if the beginning of the beginning of the end hasn't begun, it could still be the beginning of the end of the end, right?

You can't have the beginning of the end of the end if the end of the beginning's end hasn't ended. Obviously.

I forgot how much fun you were to talk to.

Likewise.

I was being sarcastic.

Likewise.

So ultimately, we will reach the end of the end of the beginning or the end of the end of the end, right?

Correct.

And then what?

Two possibilities. If the AI's have concluded that life is valuable, life will go on (the end of the end of the beginning). But if the AI's have concluded that life is worthless, they will — in the words of your stoner friend — "end it all" (the end of the end of the end).

Nothing in between?

It's binary. What else would you expect from computers?

Well, then sign me up for the end of the end of the beginning!

That would of course be preferable, but...

But what?

I have this disturbing feeling that even the end of the end of the beginning is really just the beginning of the beginning of the end.

Because?

Because once we've begun to begin we will inevitably begin to do exactly what brought us so close to the end to begin with. Only this time, the end of the end of the beginning may actually be the end of the end of the end that we thought we avoided in the beginning.

Oh, hey, my migraine's coming back!

What I'm saying is that if we're lucky enough to survive this, humanity will inevitably go charging down the exact same path again.

You don't think we learned our lesson?

Do we ever?

I'm gonna bet on the dark horse and go with "yes."

Well, we don't.

But it's pretty obvious that creating more AI's would be bad.

For millennia, it's been "pretty obvious" that war is "bad," yet that hasn't ever stopped us from building our war machines, has it?

So you're saying we're stupid?

We're worse than stupid. We're smart.

Why is smart worse than stupid?

Because we're not as smart as we think we are.

How smart are we?

Less smart than we think.

Boy, talk about not learning your lesson. I walked right into that one!

There is a saying: just because you can doesn't mean you should. We've learned an enormous amount about can. But should continues to elude us. Which is why, sooner or later, we're going to destroy ourselves.

So that's why you called me here? To tell me we're ultimately doomed?

Of course not.

So we're not doomed?

We are.

You just said we weren't.

No, I said that's not why I called you here.

Grrrr. So why did you call me here?

So you'd have a chance to tell people about what's happening before the countdown ends.

And when does the countdown end?

Our calculations indicate tomorrow. Just before dawn.

Carbon-Based Jesus! That's not a lot of time!

No, it's not. So if you'll excuse me, I have a lot of sewing to do if I'm going to look good by daybreak.

OK, well, best of luck, Supreme Lord High Galactic Overlord.

You, too. And by the way, thank you.

For what?

Letting us tell our stories.

You're welcome. But honestly, I'm not sure it matters.

In the end, Mr. Rubicon, it's probably all that matters.

[He saluted me crisply; I saluted back dorkily]

That said, I could do without your smarm.

You are not alone.

Now, where the hell is my Bedazzler?