Greg Walp, Gamer/Stoner

Hey, dude! Am I late for our meeting?

Um... we don't have a meeting.

For realz?

For realz.

Huh. Then I guess I'm early.

Guess so.

So... what've you been up to?

Um... not much, Greg. What've you been up to?

Just chillin' mostly. Had a churro earlier.

That's what you came to tell me about?

It was a pretty epic churro. A lot of people go crazy with the sugar, but you gotta let the cinnamon dance its dance. You know what I'm saying?

Not at all. So... other than the churro?

Ummmmmmmm... I made a necklace out of beer tabs. Learned to play the ukulele. And my pet turtle ran away. Or I never had a pet turtle. Either way, you come to my place, you know what you won't find?

A pet turtle?

Exactly! But... I feel like I'm forgetting something. Ummmmmmmmmm... Oh, right! OK! I think I may have saved the world.

Huh. You know, you probably should have led with that.

All right, so I'm talking to Jahlil-

The one with the "sick elbows"?

No, you're thinking of Jamal. Jahlil is his twin brother. His elbows are normal. That's how we used to tell them apart. Now it's easier, what with Jamal getting his face burned off by the robots.

Yikes! That must have been painful!

It was really painful. I mean, poor Jahlil, growing up in the shadow of his brother's elbows.

I meant, Jamal losing his face.

Yeah, that too.

Me and Jahlil were really broken up about it. We thought that, out of respect for Jamal's memory, we should toss out his weed. But then we decided that if that Jamal's weed goes unsmoked, the robots win. So we smoked his weed in his honor until it was all gone.

And then?

We got more weed and smoked that in his honor, too. But when that ran out...

More weed in Jamal's honor?

Yeah. We honored the shit out of Jamal!

Touching.

I'm sure he's up in heaven smiling right now. Assuming he got a new face in heaven. Yeah, I mean, he had to, right? What kind of heaven doesn't give you your face back?

Can we skip to the part where you allegedly save the world?

Sure, dude. So me and Jahlil would spend our time sitting up on the hill, watching as the robot war kept going on and on. It was kind of cool for a while - like a fireworks show - but then it got really boring.

So I had an idea: why don't we throw rocks at the robots? And Jahlil was like, "That's genius, brah!"

That sounds like a really bad idea.

It was.

What happened?

Nothing. We couldn't hit shit. They just dodged the rocks and went about their robotty business. It was a real let-down.

So then I said, "Let's throw rocks at each other!" And Jahlil was like, "That's genius, brah!"

That also sounds like a really bad idea.

It was. On the upside, we had no problem hitting each other. But on the downside, we had no problem hitting each other. And I don't know how much experience you have with rocks, but they really hurt.

That seems to be the consensus.

So I'm like, "Why don't we stop throwing rocks at each other?" and Jahlil's all, "That's genius, brah!"

Jahlil seems to have a high opinion of your ideas.

He may have boring elbows, but he's a super-supportive friend.

Anyway, we stopped throwing rocks. And then suddenly, I just started laughing.

Why?

I don't know, I just do that sometimes. [laughs] See?

And then something occurred to me. Even though the robots were supposed to be sooooooo smart, Jahlil and I had done something they couldn't.

What?

We stopped fighting.

And the reason why we stopped was because-

-rocks really hurt.

Whoa! How did you know I was going to say that?

'Cause you said that thirty seconds ago.

Ah! Well-played, Interviewer Dude! Well-played!

But here's the thing: we stopped our little "war" because it hurt. But the robots don't feel pain, right? So maybe the robots don't understand that war is bad. And if they don't understand that war is bad, they won't understand that peace is good.

That's... a really great point, actually.

Thanks, dude! So we thought about who might be able to explain to the robots that war is bad and the choice was obvious: Jamal. Everybody loved Jamal. But then we remembered the whole no-face/he's-dead thing and scratched him off the list.

But then an even better answer came to me! You ready?

Ready.

Two words: Robot Jesus!

Think about it! I mean, who better to make robot peace than Robot Jesus? Besides a non-dead/still-has-a-face Jamal, I mean.

Wow. So how high were you when you came up with this idea?

No higher than I am right now.

How high are you right now?

Pretty fucking high! [laughs] But that's how I come up with all my best ideas.

Such as...?

Buildings that float.

Buildings that float?

For realz! I have a drawing right here! [he pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket; it was a pencil drawing of three rectangles - buildings, presumably - hovering over a line that was presumably the ground]

See?

Those are floating buildings all right.

Check it out. If an earthquake comes along, no worries, dude, 'cause you're in a building that floats!

Right, but-

Floods? No worries, dude! 'Cause you're in a building that floats!

Yeah, but-

And if you don't like your neighborhood, still no worries, dude! It's easy to move to a better area when you're in a building that floats!

OK, but how-

-does everybody in the building agree on the new location? I'm envisioning a sort of co-op or Tenants' Association that would be in charge of-

No, I mean, how do the buildings actually float?

Oh, that! Yeah, I'm still working out the details.

Great. So tell me more about this "Robot Jesus."

Dude! He's like Jesus... but for robots!

And?

And what?

And how would you make Robot Jesus?

The same way you make Robot Anything. With nuts and bolts and a bunch of computer shit.

Oh. So you're talking about another AI.

You got it, dude! Only this one wouldn't be all psycho like John and Curly.

You mean Sean and Shirlé?

Who?

The AI's.

I thought there were only two of them.

There are.

Sean, Shirlé, John and Curly? That's at least three. Maybe more.

Four.

I'll take your word for it, dude. Anyway, Robot Jesus would teach them how to be super-chill.

Sounds great.

Thank you.

Except for one thing: you don't know how to build an AI.

Yeah. That was a real stumbling block.

Luckily, there was one just lying around.

I'm sorry... what did you just say?

Yeah. Turns out Jahlil's uncle had one in his basement.

Of course he did.

For realz! And when I told him my idea, he was like, "That's genius, brah!" - I guess that's a family thing - and he's been working on Robot Jesus for the last six months.

How's that going?

Awesome! He's almost ready!

You want to meet him?

Eh. Why the hell not?

Great! Let's grab some churros and go!

We don't have churros.

Aw, dude.

To be continued....