Dougal Latham & Kevin Becker

When we left off, Dougal's parents claimed to have accepted their son's homosexuality. But in a brilliantly twisted workaround, they pressured their gay son into doing his part to "repopulate the species." And they claimed to have found the perfect person for Dougal to repopulate with.

Dougal Latham: This is Kevin Becker. He's going to be the mother of my child!

Kevin Becker: Don't worry. It'll all make sense eventually.

DL: Will it, Kevin? Will it really? LOL!

KB: Well... sort of. The thing is, I'm-

DL: Adorable!

KB: [sighs] Dougal, we talked about this. Please don't embarrass me.

DL: Well, you are! Sorry, Mr. Shy here is not good with compliments. Even though he's sooooo cute!

KB: May I continue?

DL: You may.

KB: The thing is, I am a transgender man.

DL: An adorable transgender man!

KB: [sighs]

DL: He used to be "Katie!" Isn't that a hoot? I mean, look at his biceps? Have you ever met a "Katie" with biceps like those? LOL!

KB: You know, you don't have to say LOL. You can actually just laugh out loud!

DL: LOL! Whoops! Sorry, Kevin! LOL.

KB: [clears throat] As I was saying. I'm a transgender man, but I only made it halfway through my transition before the robots attacked.

DL: Above the waist, he's a Ken Doll. Below the waist, he's still got his Polly Pocket. LOL!

KB: Seriously? Polly Pocket? Is that what we're calling it?

DL: Fine. Pink Canoe. Raspberry Cave. The Notorious V.A.G. Whatever you're comfortable with.

KB: Wow. You are so lucky I like you.

DL: I'll say! LOL! I mean, hahahahahaha!

KB: Anyway... a few months ago, these weird old people approached me and said they knew I was - how did they put it? - "the best of both worlds."

DL: My mother and father, everybody! Aren't they great? LOL! Sorry, I can't help it!

KB: They took me completely off guard. I had no idea what to say.

DL: That happens a lot with my parents. You can always find out where they are by following the trail of horrified silences.

But you know what's funny? I had no idea about the whole "Boys Don't Cry" thing Kevin had going on. I'd seen him around camp a few times. He pretty much kept to himself. And was like, "That weird hermit is totally gorgeous!"

KB: Hang on. If you didn't know... how did your parents know?

DL: Well... they noticed your... um... camel toe.

KB: Oh, good God! Why on earth were they even looking at my-

DL: Crumple zone? Situation Room? Benedict Cumbersnatch?

KB: [sighs] I was going to say, "nether regions."

DL: I know you were. But I wanted to spice things up.

KB: Let's move on, before this gets any weirder.

DL: That's probably for the best.

KB: So Dougal's parents straight-out asked if I was attracted to men. And when I said that I was, they actually high-fived each other.

DL: Well, yeah. 'Cause they figured that I'd be willing to have a sex with a woman, as long as the woman was a gay guy. LOL!

KB: It was really uncomfortable. They kept staring at me like I was some kind of freak.

DL: That wasn't it at all. They didn't think you were a freak. They thought I was a freak. A Super-freak! [sings] I'm Super-Freaky, yow! [regular voice] But not you. They thought you were an honest-to-God miracle.

KB: Come again?

DL: I will, just give me a few minutes! LOL!

KB: [grumbles]

DL: Look at it from their perspective. Their bizarre, twisted, borderline psychotic perspective. They had prayed for someone who was man enough for me, but could also give them a grandchild. And suddenly, you appear! Like the image of The Tranny Virgin Mary on a piece of toast! What are the odds?

KB: Yeah... well... either way... it was very off-putting. Then they asked if I wanted to meet you. And I politely declined.

DL: I don't see how you could possibly resist [indicates his body] this! [licks his finger, then touches a butt cheek and makes a sizzling noise]

KB: Honestly, I thought you were attractive, but you also seemed a little "out there" for my tastes.

DL: Out there! Me? That's- No, that's fair. You were saying?

KB: Well, they kept pushing until I got really mad. I started yelling at them to leave me alone! But then they started talking about repopulating the species.

DL: Ugh! I swear, if I hear the words "repopulate the species" one more time, I'm going to barf.

KB: Yeah, they were laying it on pretty thick. But later, it got me thinking... well... the human race is in trouble.

DL: You've got to hand it to them. They are just so good at getting under your skin. They're like bedbugs with Bibles.

KB: Tell me about it. Plus, I've always been very civic-minded.

DL: Kevin used to be a Fireman! Firewoman? Fire-American!

KB: Fire-fighter?

DL: That works.

KB: So I thought, well, it wouldn't kill me to at least meet Dougal.

DL: It was a super-awkward first date. Just so much pressure to like each other!

KB: We felt a little like those zoo pandas. Everybody is staring at us saying, "What are you waiting for? You're both pandas! Just mate already!" And we're saying, "Give us a break, we're trying to get to know each other!"

"Do you like eucalyptus leaves?" "I love eucalyptus leaves!" "Oh, my gosh! So do I!" "Do you like climbing trees?" "I love climbing trees!"

DL: ROTFL! See? Once he loosens up, he's very funny!

KB: It took a while before we actually became a couple.

DL: For starters, my previous boyfriend Chad had been eaten by squirrels and I had to let at least some time pass before I started dating someone else.

KB: Also... Dougal is - how do I put this? - an acquired taste.

DL: Yeah, but you've gotta admit, you acquired the hell out of me!

KB: True. And now we're going to make a new life together.

DL: I guess my parents were right - you can file that under "words I never thought I'd hear myself say" - finding you was a miracle.

KB: No, Dougal. You're the miracle.

DL: Awww! And also... huh?

KB: The reason I used to keep to myself was that I thought I'd never fit in. I certainly couldn't imagine, with the way things are - with the way I am - that anyone could fall for me. Much less someone a wonderful as you.

DL: But I did.

KB: You did. [tearing up] You did.

DL: Are you crying?

KB: No!

DL: You are crying! God, Katie! You're such a girl!

KB: LOL! Oh, great. Now I'm doing it, too.

DL: LOL!