"I believe you Soo Ah," I said softly. "I don't know what I would have done if you had been honest with me. But I do know that even if I'd gotten angry at first, I wouldn't have walked away from you. Even if I didn't feel anything for you, I still would have taken responsibility."

°•°♡°•°

She had looked down, and I watched her, waiting to see if she would look back up. She didn't, instead looking at her hands, so I kept talking. 

"I know you didn't want me to have feelings for you, but that's only because you're dying, isn't it?"

My eyes had glazed over, and I blinked, trying to keep any tears from falling. I didn't want her to see me cry, I wanted to be strong for her.

But she picked that moment to look up, her own eyes shiny with tears. She nodded, closing her eyes, her lashes wet against her cheeks.

"I didn't want you to have to go through losing someone else you cared about, so I didn't want you to care," she mumbled. "In the beginning, I honestly never thought you would. If I'd known, I never would have suggested being friends with benefits. I just wanted to have some fun during my last year of life."

She had opened her eyes, looking into mine, and I could see so much pain, and even more fear. 

"You weren't supposed to care," she whispered. 

Honesty. That was all that mattered right now.

"I didn't want to care, Soo Ah. I didn't want to feel anything for you, because I was afraid that if I did, if I started to fall for you, if I loved you, I would for sure lose you, just like everyone else I loved."

Her lips pressed together into a frown, the tears spilling down her cheeks, and her chest shook with a sob she tried to hold back. 

"But there was no stopping this, I know that now. The second my eyes met yours that first day, I felt something. No matter how much I tried to push it away, or deny that it was even there, every time I'd see you it would nag at me."

She wiped her face, but it was a useless effort, since the tears continued to fall.

"The first time I actually saw you, you were standing in the rain, across the street in the park. I thought you were crazy. Every time I saw you there, I thought the same thing. She's crazy. But what I didn't realize at the time was that every time it rained, I looked, expecting you to be there. If you weren't, I would walk away from the window disappointed. But I denied that. I told myself it was just because I was so used to seeing you there."

She had looked at me as I spoke, her tears slowing, and now she was watching me curiously. 

"Funny thing is, the first time you came into the coffee shop, the first time our eyes met, I didn't know you were the same girl that I'd been watching, the same girl that stood in the rain and let it soak her until her clothes were hanging heavily and her hair was dripping wet."

I wanted to keep being honest, and I would. I stopped long enough to gaze into her eyes, glad she had stopped crying. I wanted to move closer to her, but I didn't. Not yet. I didn't want to lose my train of thought, and be distracted by her. It had been too long since I'd seen her, held her, kissed her. I wanted to, but I wanted to get everything out that was on my mind. I needed to keep  my distance to be able to do that. 

"I didn't know it was you until the day after I came to what ended up being your place, hoping to find Yoshi. I was a bit shocked, honestly. I couldn't believe you were the crazy girl that stood in the rain, because you were so sweet, so how could you possibly be crazy?"

At this, she smiled, and I returned the gesture. 

"As much as hate to admit it, finding that out made me want to avoid you. I hated the rain, and I wanted nothing to do with someone who obviously loved it. But it didn't matter what I wanted, because my heart wanted something different."

The smile remained on her face, and even though her eyes and nose were red from crying, she looked beautiful. 

"I know this is going to hurt, Soo Ah, losing you. I don't want to. I don't want to wake up every day knowing that now there's one day less that I'll have with you. I don't want to think about being without you, because it hurts, so damn much. But that doesn't make me want to stay away from you. It makes me want to be with you more. I want to spend as much time as I can with you. You pretending to leave Seoul, I feel like I've lost so much time with you."

She bit her lip, sadness taking over her face again.

"I'm so sorry Taehyung."

"Soo Ah, would you really have done it? Would you really have given our baby up for adoption, and...waited to die, without ever seeing me again?"

She looked at her hands again, now clasped together on her lap. I felt like that was answer enough. I wanted to hear what she had to say though. I wouldn't assume anything.

"If Jimin hadn't come into the store while I was working," She nodded, her eyes meeting mine again, "Yes, I would have stuck with my plan."

I swallowed, honestly surprised to hear her say that. I leaned forward, placing my elbows on my knees, my gaze focused on the floor, not really sure what to say after hearing her admit that she would have kept everything from me, and disappeared from my life forever, allowing our baby to be adopted by strangers. 

"Taehyung, I didn't want to put you through another loss. I knew you cared, even though I didn't want you to. And I care about you. So much. I could see how broken you were. I was afraid that if you knew I was going to die..." 

She stopped speaking, and I waited silently for 30 seconds, then I turned my head to see her staring at me, crying. She tried to draw in a breath, but she ended up crumbling, her hands coming up to cover her face, her whole body shaking as she broke down into sobs.

I moved across the couch to her side, my arms going around her and pulling her close to me. She felt so small, her arms folded up against her chest as she cried into her hands. 

She smelled good, and I turned my face to nuzzle into her hair. God I missed her. I didn't realize until this moment that it was possible to miss her so much. I didn't want to think about the fact that I had less than half a year left with her. 

"I don't want to d-die Taehyung. I don't w-want to leave you, or our b-baby. It's not fair."

She was crying into my chest, but I heard every word she sobbed out, and my heart shattered. I felt the burn in my sinuses, felt the tears fill my eyes, and I knew I wouldn't be able to  hold it back, no matter how strong I was trying to be.

I held her to me, because maybe she wouldn't realize that I was crying too. I'm not sure how many minutes passed when I felt her arms moving between us, sliding down and worming their way around me, hugging me tightly. Her face pressed against my shoulder and neck, and I could feel the wetness of her tears.

"I was afraid that you'd break completely, and it would be all my fault. I couldn't do that to you. You'd lost so many people you loved. I didn't want to hurt you any more, after all you'd been through, the losses you'd suffered." She spoke quietly, her lips almost brushing my jaw as they moved.

I hugged her tighter. 

"You're such an idiot, Soo Ah," I said, laughing and crying at the same time.  

She tried to pull back, but I held on, not ready to let her go just yet. 

Finally, I let her back up, and we looked at each other, our eyes wet with tears. She looked so confused, and I couldn't help but smile.

"Do you really think it matters how I lose you? Do you think it matters if you leave me of your own free will, or if God takes you from me?

She swallowed, licking her lips, her brows furrowing as she frowned.

"Losing you is losing you, no matter how it happens. You pretending to leave Seoul, leave me, it was still me losing you. It still hurt."

Her face twisted, tears filling her eyes again.

"Losing you to death is going to hurt 1000 times more, but Soo Ah, what you did cost us months that we can't get back. What did I do to make you think you couldn't tell me?"

She closed her eyes, and I watched her, reaching for her hand and taking it in mine, squeezing it lightly.

Her eyes opened, meeting mine, her lips parting, as if she were getting ready to speak, but closing again, her head falling, gaze moving to her hand in mine.

"I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry. You didn't do anything, Taehyung. I pretended to disappear...because I..."

She looked up, meeting my eyes again.

"Because I fell in love with you, and the more I was around you, the harder it was to accept that I was going to die. I knew it before I ever met you, and...it sucked, but there was nothing I could do but accept it. So I did. I accepted it, and decided to just live the best I could. I wanted to have fun, and not think about the fact that my days were numbered."

She took another breath, her hand tightening around mine.

"I remember the first time I saw you. It's funny that you say you always used to watch me in the rain. I always used to see Jimin, turning the sign every morning when I would stand across the street getting soaked. So many times I wished I could see him better, because I felt like he was probably cute, but he was too far away for me to make him out clearly. I kept saying I would go into the coffee shop one day, so that I could get a closer look at him."

She smiled a little at her memories.

"The day I came in for the first time, I didn't expect to see anyone else, only the blond boy that always turned the sign. So I was surprised when I saw the blond boy and the brunette. Imagine thinking you might see one cute boy, and getting to see two right next to each other."

I squeezed her hand, not liking where this conversation was going.

"Can we get to the part where you saw me?" I asked with mock impatience, rolling my eyes.

She smiled, and nodded.

"I'll never forget the moment I first saw you. It was the best and worst moment of my entire life."

I looked into her eyes, knowing exactly what she meant by that 

"I felt a connection with you immediately, but I never thought it would turn into anything. I thought I had closed off my heart enough that it wouldn't let anyone in, because I knew the day would come that it was going to just stop keeping me alive. If I had known that I was going to fall for you so hard, I don't think I ever would have suggested the whole friends with benefits arrangement, at least not with you. I would have tried to get closer to Jimin or Jungkook."

My eyes widened, and I leaned back a bit to look at her. She smiled, shaking her head.

"I was only looking for fun, not feelings. I'm human, and hell, I only had a year to live. Why shouldn't I find someone to keep me company in every way possible."

I relaxed. 

"I'll have to remember to thank them both for being uglier than me." I said, frowning a bit.

She giggled. 

"None of you are ugly. Not even a little."

I shrugged my shoulders, pouting. 

"But I'm the cutest, right?"

"You are most certainly the cutest."

I smiled, happy for a brief moment, until I remembered what we were talking about. My smile faded, and we both became serious as we looked at each other.

"So when you suggested being friends with benefits, you already had it planned to just disappear at some point?"

She nodded. 

"I was just going to have my fun for awhile, enjoy not having to be careful, and just, not worry about anything. But you, you made me feel things. I should have put an end to it right away, instead of believing that I could control my feelings."

She looked lost in her thoughts for a moment, and I waited, not wanting to interrupt her.

"I told myself so many times that if I thought I was falling for you, I'd end our arrangement. Except, I don't know exactly when I fell in love with you. I just know that one day, I realized I was. I hated being apart from you. I foolishly believed that I could just continue things with you until my last days got closer, and I had no choice, and then I could tell you I'd left Seoul. But then I found out I was pregnant, and that changed everything."