I wondered how close they had become. I'd decided that I was just going to sit back and let whatever happened, happen. I wouldn't push, or suggest. I wouldn't try to get them together. I believed it would happen all on it's own, and I was 99% sure it was already happening. 

°•°♡°•°

I didn't have to open my eyes to know that I was in his arms. I didn't want to open my eyes, because I was afraid that if he realized I was awake, he would let go of me.

I don't know how long I'd been asleep, I only remember falling asleep on top of him. For some reason, being with Taehyung gave me such a sense of peace, and I was able to relax and sleep better than I had in a very long time.

I didn't know what to do. I was falling for him, I knew I was. That was the one thing I wasn't supposed to do. It wasn't my fault though. When I was in his arms, it just felt...comfortable. It felt like I belonged here.

I knew he didn't feel the same, and honestly, I would never hope for him to feel that way.

I wouldn't be around long enough for us to have any kind of normal relationship anyway, even if he did have feelings for me. But he made it clear that he didn't, that he wouldn't. That was good.

I could stay here like this forever. I was warm, and I felt safe. I was on my side, pressed up against his side, with my head on his chest. His left arm was around me, his fingers gently moving up and down my upper arm, with my lower arm resting across his stomach. I realized I could open my eyes and he wouldn't even know, my head being tilted down towards his stomach.

I slowly fluttered them opened, just in time to see his right hand moving to cover mine. His thumb moved across the back of my hand, slowly, gently, and I wished more than anything that I knew what he was thinking right now.

My mouth had always worked faster than my brain, and before I realized I was doing it, I spoke.

"Taehyung, what are you thinking right now?" I asked quietly.

His thumb stopped moving across my hand, and I felt him tense up a bit.

"Did I wake you?" He whispered.

"No, I've been awake for a few minutes. I'm just too comfortable to move."

He was quiet for a moment, and I felt his chest rise and fall as he inhaled deeply.

"I...can't tell you what I'm thinking."

My mind immediately tried to figure out what he meant by that. I automatically decided he was trying to spare my feelings, and thought it better to keep his thoughts to himself. I had a bad habit of always thinking the worst in situations like this.

"Oh...okay. Should I- should I go?"

His arm tightened around me, leaving me confused.

"What? No, why would you say that?"

"I-you, don't want to say what you're thinking, so it must be...bad."

He let out an amused huff, and his hand came up, index finger under my chin to tilt my head back so he could see my face. His eyes met mine, and his expression softened.

"I can't tell you what I'm thinking, because it would make me a hypocrite."

Now I was really confused. I narrowed my eyes, and his never left my gaze. He watched me, and I realized he was waiting to see if I had caught on to what he was trying to say. But I was truly lost, not having a clue what he meant.

My face was blank, and I saw his lips curve up into a small smile.

"It's probably better that you don't know."

I frowned, and his chest rumbled as he chuckled.

"Tell me..." I pouted.

He shook his head. "Nope."

"Fine," I said, lifting myself and attempting to turn and sit up. "I'm leaving then."

He grabbed me around the waist, pulling me back down against his chest.

"No, you're not." 

I struggled, trying to get free, and in the process, the sheets that had been covering us both were kicked aside. My back was towards him, his arms wrapped around me, but I had kicked the sheet off of both of us, and it was now down by his knees, leaving me completely exposed, and he was only covered from the knees down.

I was a little out of breath, and stopped trying to get away to give myself some time to breathe. I wasn't really going to leave, I just wanted to see if I could get him to tell me.

"Don't leave..." he said, his voice soft but deep. "I'll tell you."

I relaxed in his arms, a little nervous now that he'd agreed to tell me. I turned my head, looking at him as I realized my ass was planted firmly on his lap, and I could feel the lump that was no doubt his flaccid cock under my right ass cheek.

I swallowed, attempting to move, and his arms loosened, letting me go. Instead of getting up, I turned, throwing my leg across his body, and straddling his hips. I could feel his cock start to harden immediately, growing under me, and pressing up against me.

I looked him in the eye, noticing that his breathing had quickened, his one hand fisting next to him.

"So tell me."

He took a shaky breath, his hand reaching for mine, entwining our fingers together.

"What's the one thing I told you not to do?"

I thought for a quick second, remembering immediately, because I'd just been thinking about that very thing.

"You told me not to catch feelings for you."

He nodded, a small barely noticable nod. His eyes studied mine, as he waited for me to give some indication that I understood what he was trying to say.

He said it would make him a hypocrite if he told me what he was thinking. My eyes darted away, moving quickly but looking at nothing.

It hit me as if I'd jumped into a swimming pool filled with ice water, the shock making me gasp.

"Wait, are you saying..."

My eyes met his, and I swallowed the golf ball sized lump in my throat. He couldn't, he couldn't have feelings for me, because he couldn't. He just couldn't. If he had feelings, then what would it do to him when I was...gone.

I had to stop this. I couldn't let this go on. It would hurt too much. It would hurt both of us, but I wouldn't be around long enough for it to matter what it did to me. I couldn't let him get hurt though. He'd been through enough. This was the last thing he needed.

"This was just supposed to be sex, Taehyung..." I whispered, pulling my hand free of his.

"I know. But would it be so bad if it turned into something more?"

"You didn't want a relationship. You said so. I don't want a relationship. You knew this. We agreed that it was just sex, nothing more. You told me not to fall for you, because if I did, you would just end up breaking my heart."

He was watching me, his eyes filled with sadness.

This couldn't happen. So why was my heart beating so hard in my chest, and why did it feel like there were butterflies fluttering around in my stomach? Why was I feeling a happiness like I'd never felt before? I couldn't let this happen. I was dying.

I moved, needing to create some distance between the two of us, sitting on the end of the bed.

"Soo Ah, you don't have to be scared. I won't hurt you, I'd never hurt you. I might act like an asshole sometimes, but it's just a defense mechanism, to keep me from breaking down, because there are so many days that that's all I want to do. But you've helped me, so much. You've given me something else to think about, and my days aren't filled with so much sadness anymore."

My heart couldn't take this. I felt breathless, and I was afraid I was going to pass out. I needed to calm down, before I ended up in the hospital.

I could feel my heart now struggling to beat, and I didn't know how to help myself.

"Taehyung, stop, please. I...I can't do this right now. If you keep talking like this, I'm going to have to leave. I don't want to, but...I..." I looked at him pleadingly.

He swallowed hard, looking worried.

"Are you...having some kind of panic attack?"

If that's what he thought it was, then I'd go with it. Anything to make him stop.

I nodded, and he quickly moved to sit next to me, his hand rubbing my back gently.

"I'll get you some water, don't move."

He got up, and I watched him walk out of the room, my eyes tearing up.

He came back seconds later with a glass of water, and I closed my eyes as he walked towards me, not wanting the sight of his body to effect me more than it already had.

He took my hand, pressing the glass of water into it, making sure I had a hold of it. I opened my eyes, bringing it to my lips to take a sip. As I did, I noticed him pick up a pair of sweats, and stick his feet into them, pulling them up to rest low on his hips.

He grabbed the sheet, pulling it free of the bed and wrapping it around my shoulders. I was starting to calm down, thankfully. But I was sad. So sad.

This arrangement I had with him was going to have to end. I couldn't have him having feelings for me. Me having them for him was one thing. He never needed to know that I did. But if his feelings for me grew, he would only get hurt.

"I'm sorry Soo Ah. I never meant to upset you. Just...don't leave. Please?"

What was I supposed to do?

"I don't want to leave Taehyung. But...I can't be in a relationship. I can't. If that's where this is headed, then it has to end, right now."

A look of alarm crossed his face.

"No, it's...forget I said anything. Lets just keep things how they are. Friends with benefits. No relationship, no feelings. Just sex."

That's how I wanted it. Didn't matter that I also had feelings for him. Didn't matter that I was starting to hate being without him, and wanted to spend every second with him. Didn't matter that when I wasn't with him, I was thinking of him. None of that mattered.

I could pretend that I didn't know he had feelings for me. Or, maybe, I could pretend I wasn't going to die in less than 9 months. I didn't know which one would be easier to do.

I could always tell him I was dying. That would probably scare him right away. But I didn't want to scare him away. I simply wanted to have the physical part of what we had. I trusted that he would never develop feelings for me. I knew I might end up feeling something for him, I knew that from the very beginning.

I could handle that, because I knew those feelings could only grow for so long, then they would die with me. It didn't bother me that I may be falling in love with him. If it had happened, I was just going to love him silently, and dream of a future that I knew we could never really have. I was going to pretend he loved me back, and that we were going to live happily every after.

And he, he was just supposed to use my body for his satisfaction. He was supposed to remain somewhat cold, and unfeeling.

He sat next to me on the bed again, his hand reaching for mine.

"Soo Ah, I'm sorry. I had no idea this would effect you so much. I thought I was more against a relationship than you would ever be. Actually, I thought you just said you were so that I would agree to the friends with benefits thing."

I shook my head, squeezing his hand.

"No," I said quietly. "I really don't want to be in a relationship. I don't want to feel like I have to stay faithful to one person ever again. I did that once, and it didn't work out so well. My boyfriend cheated on me, and I have no idea why." 

That wasn't really true, I knew exactly why my ex had cheated on me, and I had everything to do with it.  But it was the best argument I could come up with right now.  

"Okay. I understand. It's not a big deal. Things don't have to change at all. I don't want them to, not if it's going to be this upsetting to you. We're just friends. That's all we have to be."