"I want you to be with me, I want you to hold me in your arms, because I don't want to die alone, but I don't want you there because I don't want you to have to watch me fade away, and have that be your last memory of me. I don't want to die, but since I know I'm going to, I want you to promise me that you'll find someone else eventually, someone who loves you, and that you love, someone who can love our child as their own. But I also don't want that, because I don't want you to love someone else, I don't want someone else to be my child's mother, because I want to do it myself. I just...don't know what to want anymore, but it doesn't really matter what I want. I don't get to choose."

°•°♡°•°

"Soo Ah..."

My heart was breaking, because I wanted to tell her that there would never be anyone else for me, I wouldn't let anyone else into my heart. It would belong to her, until my last breath. But if she asked me to find someone else, if that was one of her final wishes, what was I supposed to say? How could I make a promise to her that I knew I couldn't keep?

Except that wasn't the thing that hit me the hardest. It was when she said she wanted me to hold her, because she didn't want to die alone, but that she didn't want me there because she doesn't want me to watch her fade away, and have that be my last memory of her. 

"I don't want to think about any of this anymore," she said tiredly. "But I know that it's almost impossible not to, because it's our reality. I know that you can't stop these thoughts from entering your mind. I wish you could, I wish we both could, because I know it's going to affect the rest of our time together."

She turned a bit to face me, taking my other hand in hers.

"But if something is bothering you, please talk to me. Let me be here for you while I still can. Even if it's about me, that doesn't mean I don't want to listen to what's on your mind."

I nodded, but in my heart, I didn't know if I could. I didn't know if I could because I knew if I tried to talk to her about how scared I was to lose her, I would end up breaking down, and I didn't want to cry in front of her. 

"I'm sorry Taehyung, that I got upset. It's just that it hurts when I say something to you, and realize that you're someplace else at that moment, not even aware that I'm next to you. Even though I understand, trust me, I do, it still hurts."

I squeezed my eyes closed, promising myself that I would stay focused from now on, so that I could be there for her 100%.

"I'm so sorry Soo Ah. What was it that you said that I didn't hear?"

She smiled at me, lifting one of my hands and kissing my knuckles.

"I asked you if you had any ideas for what color to paint the babies room."

I smiled slowly. This was what I had to keep my mind on. The baby coming. The fact that I was going to be a father. The realization that the two of us could work on fixing the room for the baby, together.

I stood, walking a couple steps away, then turned to come back, looking down at her.

"I was thinking gray and white. It'll be easy to add color to later, once the baby is born and we know if we have a son or a daughter."

She pressed her lips together into a thoughtful line, nodding slightly.

"Gray and white...I like it."

She stood up, and stepped into my arms, wrapping hers around my waist, pressing her cheek to my chest. 

"Forgive me Taehyung. I think these pregnancy hormones are making me extra moody. I seem to get upset over the smallest, dumbest things."

She tilted her head to look up at me, and I looked down into her face. 

"What you got upset over earlier wasn't dumb, and there is nothing to forgive you for. Let's just concentrate on the babies room. I think we should go shopping for paint, and we can grab something for dinner while we're out and bring it home. That way we can curl up on the couch and eat, and online shop for a crib, and...what else do babies need?"

She giggled.

"Lot of stuff, from what I've read."

"Oh God. What kind of stuff?"

She shrugged her shoulders nonchalantly. "Diapers, lots of diapers, and wipes. Oh, and a changing table, and a car seat, and a stroller, and a diaper bag for when you go places, and bottles, you'll need bottles, and formula. Oh, a pacifier, and bibs, cause they spit up. Blankets, to swaddle with, they like to be swaddled..."

My brows drew together tightly. "What is swaddling?" I asked fearfully.

She pouted, tilting her head to one side. "It's when you wrap the baby up tightly, keeping the arms close to the body. They like that because they are used to being all cramped up before they're born. It makes them feel like they're still snug inside mom, and helps keep them calm."

My mouth opened, and I looked at her cluelessly. I was in so much trouble.

"Can we go shop for paint now?"

She laughed at me, nodding.

☆~☆~☆

Two hours later, we were back home, having stopped at Mcdonalds to grab dinner, because Soo Ah was craving a burger and fries. The taxi driver had  waited while I ran in to get food, leaving her and our newly purchased paint in the car. I'd grabbed him a Big Mac meal to thank him for being so accommodating, as he'd waited outside the paint store while we shopped, because it was an out of the way area and wasn't a place where taxis were often seen.

Now, as we sat on the couch and pulled our food out of the bag, Soo Ah giggled. 

"How did you know the taxi driver even liked Big Macs?" 

"Who doesn't like Big Macs?" I asked incredulously?

"I don't. There's too much stuff on them, and they're messy. That's why I ordered a quarter pounder. Just onions, pickle, cheese, ketchup and mustard, neatly placed on a bun with the burger."

"I don't think we can continue this relationship, on the grounds that you don't like Big Macs."

She snorted, and spit out the fry she had just stuck in her mouth. She grabbed a napkin, wiping her chin, then picked up another fry and threw it at me. It hit my cheek, and fell onto my leg, bouncing onto the floor for Yoshi to quickly grab and inhale.

"Don't start with me Kim Taehyung. I'm pregnant, and if you make me laugh, I will pee my pants, and I will not be happy. Not to mention, I'm sitting on your couch."

My eyes widened, and I sat back and gave my attention to my burger and fries, not saying another word while we ate.

I glanced at her at one point, and she was eating her fries, a smile on her face. 

A half hour later, I had cleaned up our trash, and threw it away, then we decided to go upstairs and check out the spare room, and get an idea of what needed to be done first. 

There wasn't much in there, I'd never used the room, but I had stuck a few odds and ends in there in a corner, just to get them out of the way. There was a vacuum cleaner that I never used, because I didn't have carpets, except for an area rug here and there, and I had a manual sweeper I used when needed. 

There was also a box that had some clothes Jungkook had given me to look through and see if there was anything I wanted, but I hadn't gotten a chance yet, although I don't know why. 

I swallowed painfully when I caught sight of the rocking chair in the corner, closing my eyes for several seconds, my index and middle finger pressed to my bottom lip. I felt Soo Ah's hand on my arm, and I opened them to look at her, seeing the questions in her eyes.

"This rocking chair was my mothers. It's the one she used to sit in while she held me when I was a baby, and rocked me to sleep. It was something that she wanted to pass down to each of us kids, so she gave me this once I had moved out into my own place. She got a new one when my sister was born, and then another when my brother came along, planning to give them each theirs when they were grown and had places of their own."

She smiled softly, her eyes moving to the chair as she admired it. 

"That's beautiful, Taehyung. I think it's perfect for this room."

I nodded. It was perfect. It would be more perfect when she was sitting in it, rocking our baby to sleep.

The only other thing in here was a torch lamp that I never used. It might be something that would come in handy in here once it was the babies room, though, because it had 3 brightness settings. 

"Well this doesn't look too bad. The walls are already white, so I guess it just depends on if you wanted to keep them white, and paint the window trim gray, or do it the exact opposite, and make the walls gray."

I looked around, trying to picture something. There were two windows, both on the same wall. There were two solid walls, and then the wall with the closet door and the door to enter the room.

"I think that wall should be gray, as a focal point," I said, pointing to one solid wall, "and the other three can stay white. We can paint the window trim and the doors and door trim gray."

She looked around, clearly trying to picture it herself.

"Okay, I think that sounds perfect."

I took her hand.

"Okay, we'll start this tomorrow. Except you won't be painting. You can supervise, and make sure I don't mess up."

She smiled cutely, nodding in agreement.

"Okay, I think I can handle that."

We left the room, and I looked at my phone, seeing that it was going on 6pm. I suddenly realized that it didn't matter what time it was, because tomorrow was Saturday, and the coffee shop was closed. I didn't have to worry about going to sleep early, or getting up early.

"What do you want to do for the rest of the evening?" I asked her as we reached the bottom of the stairs.

She turned to look at me, brows raised. "I thought you had to go to bed early."

"Tomorrow's Saturday, shop's closed."

Her face lit up, her hand gripping mine tighter.

"Can we make popcorn and snuggle on the couch watching a Christmas movie?"

I chuckled. "We can do that."

"Yayyy. I'll go make the popcorn. You find a warm blanket we can snuggle into and find a good movie, something happy."

"Aren't all Christmas movies happy?" I called after her as she scampered to the kitchen.

I sighed, going to the closet and pulling a fluffy red blanket down from the shelf. I brought it to the couch, and picked up the remote, turning on the TV, and going to the search bar. I tried to think of some Christmas movies, but nothing was coming to me. I decided to just put 'Christmas' into the search bar, and a whole list of movies popped up. 

I scrolled through, and finally decided on Elf. I had it ready to play, and was opening the blanket when Soo Ah came back into the room with a big bowl of buttery microwave popcorn in her hands. 

She put it on the table, and helped me open the blanket, spreading it out so we could both get underneath it. She handed me the bowl of popcorn, then sat next to me on the couch, pulling the blanket over her lap and tucking it around her. I lifted my arm, and she snuggled into my side, drawing her knees up and leaning her head against my chest. 

This was perfect, absolutely perfect. I wanted it to be like this forever. I could picture us like this in a few years, a little one climbing onto my lap to watch with us, a tiny chubby hand reaching for popcorn and dropping as much on the blanket as what made it into the mouth.

I was glad Soo Ah was already engrossed in the movie, because I didn't want her to see the tears that were rolling down my face.