I wanted to. But I wasn't sure if it was because of the coffee and desserts, or if it was because of the beautiful, angry boy.

°•°♡°•°

I was pissed. Of all the stupid things they could come up with, were they honestly thinking of trying to get me involved with a girl?

Why the fuck would they do that?

No. It was never going to happen.

It didn't matter that she was cute.

It didn't matter that my heart jumped when her eyes met mine.

It didn't matter that I saw  something that made me feel drawn to her in that 5 seconds our eyes had locked.

I was not interested in a relationship of any kind.

Besides, she was probably here on vacation. I was sure I wouldn't see her again, so I had nothing to worry about. Something about her though, it seemed familiar. I was sure she'd never been in the coffee shop before. But I felt like I'd seen her somewhere.

Didn't matter. I had no interest in figuring out if I had.

But those two idiots, I swear to God if they keep trying to tell me what I should be doing, or how I should feel, I'm going to buy a plane ticket to someplace they'll never find me.

Seriously.

I mean, why couldn't I? I had nothing here.

That wasn't true. I had the coffee shop. I had Jimin and Jungkook.
No matter what happened. No matter how moody I was, or how much of an ass I became, they were always right there.

I don't know why. I wouldn't want to put up with someone like me. In fact, I don't think I could.

I knew what a jerk I'd become, how badly I treated them most of the time. I was always snapping at them, usually for nothing they had done. It was always me. Me being angry.

I was angry all the time. I'd been angry for almost 3 years now. What was I angry at, specifically? Mostly, at myself. But I was also angry at my parents, at my siblings, at my grandmother. I was angry at the driver of the truck. I was angry at the police officer who'd come to give me the news. I was angry at the paramedics that didn't save my little brother and sister. I was angry at the Dr. that didn't save my grandmother. I was angry at my grandfather, for giving up and leaving me, after I'd lost everyone else already. I was angry at Yoshi, for taking off when he was all I had left. I was angry at the rain, for taking everyone I loved.

I was even angry at Jimin and Jungkook. I was angry at them for still having their families, having someone to share everything with. For being able to smile, and feel happiness. Because I couldn't.  

What no one seemed to understand was that I hated feeling like this. I hated being angry. I missed having a reason to smile. I missed laughing. I missed being happy.

Jimin was forever telling me I had to try. I had to want to be happy. That was easy for someone who hadn't lost everyone to say. He should try putting himself in my place.

But I would never wish what I'd gone through on anyone. I'd never want Jimin to feel how I felt.

I opened the oven, taking the trays of cookies out and setting them on the cooling racks. I had an order for 6 dozen chocolate chip cookies. I picked up the two sheets that were ready for the oven, placing them in and looking at the clock.   

I'd be finished early today, having only the one order. There were no orders for cakes. Maybe I'd head out early. I had someplace I needed to go. I should mention it to Jimin, make sure he's okay with it. I didn't have to ask him, we were equal partners. But I wouldn't leave if he needed me here for something.

I walked out front to find him sitting on a stool near the cash register, talking to Jungkook who was standing on the other side of the counter, a towel in his hand that he'd been using to wipe the tables off with.

They both looked up at me, instantly looking ashamed. I ignored it.

"Jimin, I'm going to take off early. I'm almost done with my only order today, and I'll box it up and have it ready before I leave."

"Sure Tae, that's fine."

I nodded, and returned to the back, grabbing a box to start putting the cookies in that were already cooled. I kind of couldn't wait to get out of here. I didn't want to go home, but I didn't want to be here either.

I wasn't necessarily looking forward to going where I needed to go. It was something I had to do. It was one of those things that I would never look forward to. But I would continue to do it.

I washed my dishes while I waited for the last two dozen cookies to get done baking, and wiped down everything except the surface I was working on. I'd have to wait a bit longer, because the batch in the oven would have to cool before I could put them in the box, but it was a relief to know that I'd be leaving within an hour or so.

I looked at the time. It was just going on 10am. I'd be outta here before noon for sure.

I had a fan on top of the refrigerator, and I grabbed it, wetting a towel and wiping it off, making sure there was no dust that could blow onto the cookies. I set it on the corner of the counter facing the cooling racks, and turned it on, setting it to oscillate so it could help to cool off the cookies faster.

I used this method if I had a lot to do. I was only one person. I tried not to accept more orders than what I could handle by myself, but it had happened on occasion.  

I hoped it didn't rain today. So far, the sun was out. But that didn't mean a thing. It could start to rain in the blink of an eye.

I couldn't wait for the rainy season to be over. I've probably thought it a hundred times already in just the last week.

I moved the trays off the racks, and pulled the last two trays out of the oven, placing them down in the spots I just emptied.

The fan was doing it's job, and I was able to put the cookies I'd just moved into the box. I might be outta here sooner than I thought.

☆~☆~☆

I looked at Jungkook after Taehyung had come out to tell me he was leaving early, remembering that I'd wanted to mention something to him, but hadn't had a chance yet. But once Tae left, I could ask him about it, without worrying about Tae overhearing.

"Hey Kook, remind me to ask you something after Tae leaves."

He raised a brow at me.

"Why can't you ask me now?"

I gave him a look. And he had called me an idiot.

"Remember what happened earlier, when we were talking about Tae, and he was standing behind us?" I said quietly.

"Oh, so it's about Tae..."

I nodded. "Duh..."

"Gotcha. Okay."

I shook my head, and noticed a customer coming in, glad for something to do.

A half hour later, Taehyung came out of the back, a nicely tied up box in his hands. He placed it under the counter, and turned to look at me.

"That's Mrs. Jung's order. Six dozen chocolate chip cookies. She said she would be here just before 2 to pick them up. She already paid for them."

"Okay Tae. Are you leaving now?"

He gave me a nod.

"Yeah. I'll see you both tomorrow morning."

I watched him walk out the door, turning to Jungkook with a frown.

"Any idea why he wanted to leave early? Yesterday he said he'd rather be here today."

"Nope. He didn't say anything to me about it."

I was worried about him.

"So what'd you wanna talk to me about?"

Jungkook had walked behind the counter, sitting on the stool.

I took a breath.

"I saw you and Taehyung this morning Jungkook. I know he broke down and cried, to the point that he was sobbing in your arms."

He was looking at his lap, but he nodded.

"Yeah, he did." He looked up at me. "He misses his family hyung."

"How do we help him Kookie? There's gotta be something we can do."

"We are helping him."

"We're not. He's not any better than he was 3 years ago. If we were helping him, he would be moving on by now. He's still stuck, and he refuses to step forward. He isn't willing to try letting go."

"You're right hyung, he isn't. But ya know what? He comes here every day, and he does what he's gotta do. He isn't sitting at home wallowing in self pity. He hasn't stopped functioning. He might only be doing what's necessary, but he's doing something. He hasn't given up. Give him some credit. He could have shut down completely and refused to live."

I tilted my head to one side.

"The way I see it Kookie, he isn't living. He's just surviving."

☆~☆~☆

I left the shop, walking right to the corner, and crossing the street. I wasn't in a hurry. In fact, I was forcing myself to do this. I'd promised. One thing I wouldn't do was break my promise.

I kept walking, but I was aware I'd slowed down the closer I got. I could feel my chest tightening up. I hated this.

I stopped in front of the gate, looking at the ground. I hated that I had to come here to feel close to her. To any of them.

I pushed the gate opened, hearing it creak on it's hinges as it swung. I swallowed hard, stepping into the cemetery, looking past all the gravestones to the largest one.

I closed my eyes for a moment, then opened them and started walking. I walked through the cemetery, passing by the names of so many, other peoples loved ones, but my eyes didn't see any of them.

I stopped in front of the large chunk of black marble, looking at the names of my parents, my brother and sister. It felt hard to breathe. It always did when I came here.

I dropped to my knees, reaching out to touch the letters, tracing them with my finger. Kim Hae Rah. My beautiful mother. She was born today, 45 years ago.

My mind took me back to when I was younger. I remembered walking to the park with her, and climbing on a swing so she could push me. She wouldn't push me high, even though I begged. I told her I wanted to feel like I was flying like an angel. She told me that not all angels fly. She said some sit on your lap and give the best hugs and kisses ever.

We'd walked home, stopping at an ice cream shop on the way, and she'd gotten me a strawberry cone. I held her hand, my ice cream cone in my other hand, and I remember being so happy walking next to her, ice cream dripping down my chin. I had the best mom in the whole world, and I loved her so much.

I hadn't realized that I was crying, but now I could feel the tears running down my face. I leaned forward, resting my cheek against the cold stone, letting my tears run down onto it, my chest aching with loneliness.

"Happy birthday mom..." I whispered. "I miss you so much. I miss all of you. Why did you all leave me? I can't do this alone. I don't know how. I thought it would get easier, but it's not."

I sniffled, wiping my face with the back of my hand as I sat up straight. I looked from my moms name to my dads, then my brother and sister. I was glad they were all together. I glanced to my right, the headstone with my grandparents names right next to this one.

The people I needed most were all gone. How was I supposed to accept that? I just didn't know how to move on.

I stood up ready to leave, looking down at the names of my family one more time. As I turned slowly to leave, my eyes landed on something white in the grass right next to where I'd been kneeling. I bent to pick it up. It was a feather. A pure, white, perfect feather. It was long and narrow, and seemed too big to have come from a bird. I looked at my moms name, and for a quick second, I swear it sparkled, but it was gone as quickly as I'd seen it.