7:35 am

Montanga:

You gotta be kidding me!

You're going home?! For real?

Did you ride the bus?!

7:42 am

Montanga:

Ohmygosh, I can't believe you decided to go just like that

Gaga ka! You should've at least told me! Sana sinamahan kita huhuhu

Can you manage alone?

9:06 am

Montanga:

I'm freaking out here, Lew. Please answer my calls

Are you okay?

Mataas na ang araw nang magising ako sakay ng bus. It was eleven thirty-five when I checked the time.

My old home was an eight hour drive. Pinili ko talaga ang land travel dahil gusto kong pag-isipan ang mga sasabihin ko. And speaking of sasabihin, nagtipa na ako ng reply para kay Monica dahil mukha nang paiyak ang babaita. Or maybe she already cried given the hours gone since her last text and call.

You:

Hey. I'm still alive. You don't have to accompany me okay I'm not disabled. Yet. Hahaha. Calm your tits, Mon. I'm okay. I can manage alone.

Mabilis ang naging reply niya.

Montanga:

Don't joke about this. It's not funny. Make sure you eat your meals on time ha. Call me when you get there or whenever you want to talk. Okay?

You:

Yes momma. I'll be a good girl.

Montanga:

Come back safe ha. I'm always here alam mo yan. I love you gaga! <3

"Crybaby." I muttered, half smiling.

Kahit hindi ko siya nakikita ngayon, sigurado akong humahagulgol na naman ang lukaret. Napapaisip tuloy ako kung tama bang sinabi ko sa kaniya ang kondisyon ko. But of course, of all people, Monica deserves to know the truth because she's been my only family for years.

Inayos ko ang pagpasak ng earphone sa tainga habang pinanonood ang malawak na tanawin sa labas. I felt myself smiling when an old song I used to listen as a teenager plays. Nostalgia hit me hard upon remembering those old fond memories. Mga katangahan. Kabulastugan. Kasiyahan sa maliliit na bagay, tao, lugar at tagpo. Everything came gushing down at me like a recap. Ang tamis. Asim. At pati nang pait ng mga memoryang iyon ay naging sariwa sa akin. And for a moment, I suddenly feel worn-out for how long I've gone... that I started wondering how my nearing end would come.

Sa kasagsagan ng paggunita ko, isang pamilyar na kantang halos libong beses ko nang napakinggan ang dumagundong. Kumaldag bigla ang bus dahilan upang mahugot ako mula sa malalim na pag-iisip.

"Oh!"

Wala sa oras akong napalingon sa braso paakyat sa malapad na balikat, hanggang sa mukha ng taong napakapit sa sandalan ng upuang nasa tabi ng sa akin—dahil sa biglang pag-uga ng bus. Sakto namang dumapo rin sa akin ang tingin nito, na mabilis binawi. But when he gave me a second look, our eyes then locked.

Mula sa kuryosong mga mata at bahagyang nangungunot na noo ay unti-unting nabahiran ng gulat ang ekspresyon nito.

There was a flash of recognition on his lenient eyes that quickly registered on mine.

Napigil ko ang hininga nang para akong dinampot at walang pasubaling ibinalibag pabalik sa nakaraan, dahil sa titigan namin doon. Time seemed to stop and I was left frozen in place.

This. Can't. Be. Real.

"Lewis?" halos bulong at kababakasan ng pag-aalinlangan niyang mutawi sa baritonong tinig.

Hindi na ako humihinga nang bahagyang umawang ang mga labi ko pagkarinig sa pamilyar niyang boses. It's only been years but it feels like forever since I last heard that voice.

Shit.

Nanuyo ang lalamunan ko para sa mga salitang hindi ko nasabi. I was in shock and my gut is churning but I'm confident that my face doesn't give me away.

But shit!

Are you fucking kidding me? Of all places and time? Ngayon talaga? Pagkatapos ng ilang taon, para saan at bakit kinailangan pa naming magkita ngayon? Ngayong...

I cleared my throat and looked away. I was near trembling but my voice turned out firm and kinda awkward when I finally speak. "Rafiele... hey."

"It's you."

Sumulyap ako sa kaniya at nakitang halos ni hindi siya gumalaw sa pwesto at ang mga mata'y nanatiling nakapako sa akin. Amusement and shock are still written all over his face, the rest I don't want to name. Sa tangkad niya'y halos okupahin niya ang daan sa gitna ng bus sa pagtayo niya lamang doon.

I fake an enthusiastic laugh which only turned, I think, sarcastic. "Yep. It's me."

"May I?" Iminaniobra niya ang upuan sa tabi ko nang hindi nag-aalis ng tingin sa akin.

Nandilat ang mga mata ko sa namuong panic. Ni pekeng ngiti ay hindi ko na magawa. "Uh..."

"Oh, it's okay. Kung hindi ka kumportable..." bawi niya kaagad pagkakita marahil sa reaksyon ko, yamang mukhang ni kurap ay hindi niya magawa katititig sa akin.

I shook my head and the next words came out fast I don't even know where they came from. "No, it's fine. Of course."

Oh, you little shit what are you saying?!

"Okay... thanks." He smiled.

Ang intensidad ng simpleng paninitig niya'y hindi ko makaya. Kaya't muli na lamang akong ngumiti bago magbitiw ng tingin. My smile sure as hell looks fake though. But I can't give a damn anymore.

Nang paupo na siya sa tabi ko't nagtama ang mga braso nami'y para akong nangapos ng hininga, dahil sa biglaang pagkalabog ng dibdib.

"Sorry." He chuckled under his breath before slightly moving away from me. Hirap na hirap siyang okupahin ang upuan nang hindi ako nasasagi dahil sa lapad ng balikat at mga braso niya.

Pumikit ako nang mariin, halos makagat na ang labi.

"Raf, it's okay." Hindi ko alam kung saan ko kinuha ang lakas ng loob para sabihin iyon.

He froze for a few jiffy before he finally gave up cramping on his seat, tumitig na naman sa akin.

Parang gusto ko agad pagsisihan ang sinabi nang muling magtama ang mga braso namin, matapos niyang kumportableng maupo roon.

I think seeing him after all this time is overwhelming me. Maybe I'll get used to it in no time. I'll just try to bear with it for now. It's been years, after all. He looked okay now. And so do I... right?

"Saan ang punta mo? Going home?" Nagtindigan ang mga balahibo ko sa kaswal niyang baritono bilang panimula.

Para na akong aatakihin sa puso sa katotohanang narito siya sa tabi ko ngayon at muli kong naririnig ang pamilyar niyang boses. Ngunit tinatagan ko ang loob at pilit itong isinantabi at binalewala. Humugot ako ng hininga.

Okay, here we go. Act normal!

Sinulyapan ko siya sa tabi ko, very aware of his gaze and our arms touching.

"Yep, home it is." I tried to sound casual and calm too but hell, my insides are waging a war!

"That's good to hear... na mukhang nagkaayos na kayo ng parents mo." Sinubukan kong hanapan ng kaplastikan o pagkasarkastiko ang sinabi niya. But he sounds so sincere that I feel bad myself for prejudicing him.

"Yeah," tanging sinabi ko dahil una, ayaw ko nang pahabain pa ang usapan. At pangalawa, I'm not planning to tell him about my condition. He doesn't need to know. I mean, there's no reason for him to.

"I can't believe it's already been what, four? Five years? You still haven't change though... ang ganda mo pa rin."

What the fuck did I just hear? Is he hitting on me right now? Is he? Seriously?

Okay, Lew, calm the fuck down. It's just a compliment for fuck's sake!

I tried to turn and take a good look at him despite my slight tremors. "You grew your stubbles, I see. Baby face no more."

Nag-iwas ako agad ng tingin pagkatapos ko iyong punahin dahil hindi ko matagalan ang paninitig niya. He's even smiling like us meeting unexpectedly like this is freaking amusing or marvellous or whatever the hell he thinks this is. When all I can think of is how awkward and unnecessary all this farce is about.

"Yeah, I kinda like it this way." He chuckled again. His voice is the same as I remember it, only that it sounded lower and not as gentle as before. "How are you?"

Para akong nasamid sa tono ng pananalita niya. It sounds so sincere I wanted to cry, say sorry and lashed everything out until I'm empty. And I can't believe myself for thinking that. Pagkatapos ng mga taong nagdaan. Pagkatapos ng lahat ng luha at sakit na dinulot ng nakaraan. It's funny how we're here about to take the trip down memory lane once and for all. Pero saan nga ba nagtutungo ang pag-alala sa mga memorya? Sa mga panahon at bagay na nangyari na't hindi na kayang baguhin pa?

I can taste the bitterness in my mouth as the past yanked be back in the days.

And as I turn to the view of the fields through the window beside me, I gave out my genuine weary smile. "Trying to be okay, I guess."

Hindi siya sumagot. We both fell silent as the song playing on my earphone is nearing its end. I rested my head on the glass window beside me, trying to calm my system down. And while the panic sure doesn't show on my face, ang panlalamig at bahagyang panginginig ng mga kamay ko'y hindi ko makontrol.

Ipinasak ko pabalik sa kabilang tainga ang isa pang earphone ng mukhang hindi na siya magsasalita. I don't know what he's thinking or why he suddenly turned silent and I most definitely don't want to know why. But it somehow bothers me. His silence.

Oh, Lewis. Put your shit together!

"Lew..."

I think I heard him call me right before the song on my earphone changed into a loud one. Ayaw ko ng tunog at pahiwatig ng boses niya kaya't pinili ko na lamang na ibalewala ito't magpanggap na hindi ko siya narinig. Patay-malisya akong naghintay ng ilang sandali para sa muli niyang pagtawag, ngunit hindi na muli siya nagsalita. We stayed silent like that for a few minutes until the bus stopped.

Nagtataka, bahagyang kumunot ang noo ko pagkatanggal sa earphone.

I don't think we've arrived at our destination yet.

"An hour stop for lunch," Raf explained upon noticing my bewilderment.

I nodded coolly. Hindi pa ako gutom. It's best to just stay here.

"Care for some lunch? Mahaba pa ang byahe," he probed.

"Not hungry," walang lingon kong tugon. But then something got to me. Nilingon ko siya kaagad sa tabi ko nang may mapagtanto.

Sinalubong ng banayad niyang tingin ang kuryosidad sa mga mata ko.

"Where are you heading to anyway?"

And there goes his amused expression again as he flashed a sly smile, too unbecoming of his gentle demeanour.

"What?" untag ko sa kalituhan at kaunting kaba dahil sa naiisip.

"Ngayon mo lang itatanong?" Mariin niya akong tinapunan ng tingin, ang parehong ngiti ay nanatili. "I'll tell you then... 'pag sinabayan mo 'kong mag-lunch."

My brow shot up incredulously. Sarkastiko ko siyang tinignan pagkatapos. "Seriously?"

"Seriously," he slowly affirmed.

"I just told you I'm not hungry," I deadpanned.

"You can just sit with me, then," he insisted, shrugging.

"Are you my dad or something?" I scoffed.

He chuckled. "Lew, let's just eat, okay? I haven't eaten anything since last night and I'm starving to death." He eyed me pleadingly, parang tutang nagpapaawa. "Please?"

Nagtagal ang blangkong tingin ko sa kaniya. I wonder why he's so hell-bent into talking me to eat. Why does he even care if I starve myself to death or what. The way he casually talks and treats me like nothing happened in the past is beyond me too. Gusto ko sana siyang barahin at hindi-an. But then it dawned on me how Mon would cry about me not taking care of myself. I don't want to worry her for nothing.

Bumuntonghininga na lamang ako bilang pagsuko. I think I need to eat even if I don't have the appetite to. For Mon.

Mapait akong natawa at napailing sa sarili. As if eating properly can stop my coming end.

We settled on a table for two on some dine in resto. He asked me what I'm having. I asked for a soup. Ngunit nang dumating ang order ay 'kala mong bibitayin na kami mamaya.

"What the hell are you thinking?" bulalas ko sa tangkang pag-apila.

"You really want to know what I'm thinking right now, Lew?" seryoso niya itong sinabi habang matamang nakatitig sa akin.

Walang pasubali akong binangga ng kaba kaya't sandali akong natigilan at natahimik. Nilunok ko ang barang namuo sa lalamunan at lakas loob na sinuklian ng parehong intensidad ang mga titig niya.

I've seen this coming the first time I saw him again. I guess it's really bound to happen sooner or later.

Idinantay ko ang nakahalukipkip kong mga braso sa lamesang nasa pagitan namin. I looked straight into his serious eyes impassively then.

"Okay, Rafiele. Tell me what you want to talk about."

As our eyes locked, nostalgia washed over me once again. Ang pagtitig sa akin ng lumang pares ng mga mata niya ay unti-unting bumuhay ng mga emosyong inakala kong nakalimutan ko na. Mga damdaming pinilit at kay hirap kong sinubukang isantabi at isawalang bahala sa nakalipas na mga taon. Lahat ay walang kahirap-hirap na binuhay ng mga mata niya.

"I want to start from the beginning, Lew. And once and for all, I want you to be honest with yourself."