I was in a dark place and my mind wasn't stable through those times that I thought I'll never be okay again. But Mon never left my side. And though I convinced myself enough to try life again, it doesn't change the fact that it still fucking hurts and it's hard.

"I get it now," panimula ko.

Monica looked confused and a bit scared at the same time. "Get what?"

"How you tried talking me into going home, after hearing about my fabricated illness that's supposed to kill me."

She stilled from peeling the tangerine on her hands.

I tried to give her a weak grin. "You've had enough with all my bullshits that's been dragging on for almost... five years, is it? You always knew that my sickness was made-up but you still acted accordingly. And somehow, you found a way to tell me the truth and end this shitshow I've made by talking me into going home. So I could see for myself the horrible truth I've been repressing at the back of my mind for years. And I wonder... how much it bothered and burdened you—"

"It's distressing," she said suddenly, almost annoyed. Her eyes are fixed on her hands. "Seeing you like that and knowing I couldn't do anything but live with the lies you made yourself believe... and each day, I was looking for a way to tell you but I couldn't find the right way, the right words and the right moment because there's none."

Tinignan ko lamang siya. I did not dare say a single word. I just listen.

"After Raf died, you just shut off... you didn't talk to anyone. You didn't even cry... like you've lost your soul, your will—everything. That his death was your last straw. Then once again, you left. You're just gone without a word. Hindi ko alam kung naaksidente ka ba, kung may nangyari bang masama sa 'yo, kung sinaktan mo ba ang sarili mo or God knows what... I don't know where I'd start looking for you because it seems like you didn't want to be found. But then I found you... and I never thought I'd dread the day I'll see you again—like that.

"Oo, alam kong gawa-gawa mo lang ang sakit mo. Because I just talked to your doctor that day. And she advised me to try to tell you the truth, nang paunti-unti. Para pare-pareho na tayong makausad sa nangyari. But in the end, it was you who gave way to uncover the truth. As if you wanted to end it and move on with it too, unconsciously.

"You are one of the strongest people I know... you always try to do things on your own... you don't exactly need anyone, kaya siguro ang dali lang para sa 'yong ma-overlook ang mga tao sa paligid mo... pati na ako."

I took a sharp intake of breath. Nang mag-angat ng tingin sa akin si Monica ay saktong tumulo ang luha sa pagod niyang mga mata. Ang singhap ko'y hindi ko na nagawang ibuga.

"I couldn't do anything for you, Lew. The only thing I could do was to make sure that you're not alone in this... that you won't be doing this all by yourself."

"And that was more than enough, Monica." I smiled despite my brimming tears. "I'm sorry for—"

Her sudden wail stopped me. Startled me. And left me gaping.

"If you're really sorry then don't do something like that again!" She cried more, her face twisting in woe.

And I know it's not the time to laugh but I did. I tried so hard to stifle it but couldn't.

"What's so funny?!" she suddenly retorted, still crying though. A snot peeping on her nose.

Mas lalo tuloy akong natawa. I laughed maniacally until I realize I was sobbing—hard. Remembering the day I rode the bus home and thought I accidentally met Rafiele again after years. No, it was never by chance. Because even though he was gone, I know it's his own way to let me know that he never left my side. And he's right, there's no need to be scared because they're all looking out for me. The four of them.

"Para tayong tanga!" iyak ni Mon bago ako niyakap. Tumango naman ako bilang pagsang-ayon at niyakap siyang pabalik habang umiiyak.

It took me weeks to finally regain my strength. And more than a month later, they let me go out of the hospital and stay at home with someone to look after me. But I realized that it takes more than regaining my strength to finally be okay again. That's why I decided to undergo a therapy. Because I wanted to not be afraid like what Rafiele said. I wanted to be okay for not being okay before finally moving forward. So I did. And that whole six months made me rethink many things about my life.

We'll gonna lose many people in different ways in this single life of ours, which, sometimes, we don't have any control of. Because some of them we outgrew, others we let go or the other way around. And there are few that we lost forever... But those times we shared with them shaped us into a person we are today—whether in a good way or not. So I guess we never really lose them because they've become a part of us.

"Huy saan ba ang daan dito? Naliligaw na naman yata ako! Lew, send help! Huhu."

I chuckled at Krysta's panic yet cutesy voice on the other line. Isa siya sa mga nakasama at naging kaibigan ko mula sa ilang in-attend-an kong therapy.

"Saan ka ba? Give me a landmark from where you are and I'll tell you how to get here. Sabi ko kasi sa 'yo sa sunod na lang para mapasundo kita. Isa pa, magulo pa rito."

"Eeeeh I'm dying to check out your books! And to see you syempre! Fifty two days na nung huli tayong magkita, 'di mo ba 'ko nami-miss?"

Napangisi na lang ako at napailing sa turan nito. She told me where she is afterwards and I gave her directions.

After being away for months for my therapy sessions, Mon told me that there's someone who donates tons of books who prefers to be anonymous. Sa dami ng mga librong binigay nito'y kinailangan naming i-renovate at gumawa ng extension ng shop. I spent all the money I saved during the years para doon. We're still short on budget, kaya't hindi na kami nag-hire pa ng mga tauhan. Alfie, Jeremy and some of our neighbour store's residents are all helping for free.

"Is that all you need?" sabi ko matapos banggitin ang mahabang listahan para sa mga kulang na materyales.

Alfie nodded before turning back his eyes on his work. Ngunit muli siyang tumigil at nilingon ako habang nagpapalis ng pawis sa noo gamit ang towel na nakapalibot sa leeg. "Samahan na kaya kita, Miss Lew?"

I smiled sarcastically at him. "No thank you, kiddo."

Sumimangot sya kaagad sa turan ko. Binalewala ko na lamang siya bago ako lumabas. They were all busy. I can't do labour work like that, kaya't tanging ito lang ang maitutulong ko. Most of it are just screws and the likes. Kaya hindi ako mahihirapan sa pagdala.

I texted Mon that I'll be out for a while. She's still at work, nag-aayos ng na-delayed niyang leave.

Pumara ako ng tricycle upang magtungo sa 'di kalayuang hardware. Matapos kong mabili ang lahat ng nasa listahan ay babalik na sana ako ng shop, nang mahagip ng paningin ko ang katabing bakery ng hardware. Naisip ko agad sina Alfie kasama na ng mga naroon na tumutulong, kaya't walang pag-aalinlangan akong pumasok doon para bilhan sila ng meryenda.

The chimes resounded as I opened the door of the bake shop. Iilan lamang ang customer na naroon nang makapasok ako. And there was only one guy wearing a suit sitting on the tables. Tulala ito sa kawalan at tila malalim ang iniisip. Well, all of us had some things to think about.

After hooking the plastic bag on my left wrist, picked a tray and a tong, I made my way to the isle of assorted breads. Nag-umpisa na akong mamili roon at kagat na ng tong ko ang isang tinapay nang bigla akong mapatalon sa gulat.

"Lewis Belmonte?!"

Napamura ako at muntik ko pang nalaglag ang nabitiwang tinapay ng tong. Pagkalingon sa boses ng tumawag ay agad nakunot ang noo ko. Sa pagkalito at gulat. It was the man wearing a formal suit who sat on the table a while ago.

"Excuse me?"

Naituro niya ako gamit ang fore finger. Ang pagkamangha at bahagyang pagdududa ay naglalaro sa ekspresyon niya. "You're Lewis Belmonte, right?"

"Uh, yes... and who might you be?"

He snapped his fingers in enthusiasm as his eyes twinkle in what seemed like delight. Tumingin siya nang matagal sa nagtataka kong mukha bago napabuga ng isang mahabang buntonghininga, as if in great relief. "Oh God, finally. Finally!"

Did I met this man somewhere? May nagawa ba akong hindi ko maalala? Are there still missing pieces of my memory I should remember?

"What... I'm sorry, who are you?" I blurted out in my building panic.

"Oh! My bad. I'm a friend of Rafiele's."

Para akong nabilaukan ng sariling laway pagkarinig sa pangalan ni Raf. It's been months since I last heard his name...

We're now sitting from across each other on the table of the bakery.

He smiled lightly at me before getting a small black box on his tote bag.

Bahagya pa akong napakurap at napakunot-noo. Bakit tote bag ang gamit niya imbes na briefcase?

Inilapag niya ito sa maliit na lamesang nasa pagitan namin, his hand remained on top of the small box. "I've known Rafiele on a ship and we're both students at the time. He was such a nice, chill guy. Magaan na agad ang loob ko sa kaniya unang beses ko pa lang siyang nakausap. It actually feels like I've known him all my life. Akala ko nga bebentahan ako ng kung ano eh, para kasing sales agent—magaling kumuha ng loob." Chuckling, he nodded, suddenly looking nostalgic.

"Kidding aside. Alam mo namang may pagkasiraulo rin 'yon kahit mukhang inosente." I smiled at his last remark, pakiramdam ko ang tagal na simula nang huling beses kong marinig 'yon.

"Raf and I get in touch for years and about five or maybe six years back, he suddenly contacted me to meet up. And as you can see, I finished my studies too and am currently a lawyer.

"That being said, Rafiele told me about you and his plans about your marriage. But then the accident happen. Huli ko nang nalaman ang nangyari sa kaniya. I immediately looked for you afterwards but you left. I was searching for you all these years because of Rafiele's last will and testament. And thank goodness I finally get to find you. Buti na lang at bumalik ka rito.

"You see, Raf was building this establishment for years—"

"What did you say? Establishment?" I cut him off. Nasa kalagitnaan ng pagkamangha at hindi paniniwala ko itong sinipat ng tingin, ang kaba ko'y unti-unti nang gumagapang.

"Yes. An establishment, you heard that right. It was included in his last will and I believe that the building was already finished years ago. It was actually near the area so I can show it to you if you want."

"Are you saying... that..." I remembered Raf and I's talk about this when we get back together for the last time. I thought he was just trying to make a conversation back then. But turns out...

The man laughed under his breath. "Yes, Miss Belmonte. The property is now yours as per Rafiele's last will."

I'm not sure how long I gaped at him. Ilang sandali ko pang hinintay ang pagtawa niya at pagsabing 'izzaprank' or whatever but his expression stays still.

"Here..." Sabay abot sa akin ng maliit na box. "But don't open it yet," awat niya agad ng aktong bubuksan ko na sana ito.

I stared at the small black box in my hand instead. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang laman nito ngunit may hinala na ako. I can't force myself to say a single word even though I know I should be saying something. Ang lalamunan ko'y naninikip at ang luha ko'y nagbabadya na.

"Do you want to see your building, Miss Belmonte?"

Humigpit ang hawak ko sa maliit na kahon.

Rafiele...

I've never known until this moment how much I missed him and the old days. And even though I was doing okay, I still can't deny that it still aches the same. Gusto ko siyang yakapin nang mahigpit. Gusto ko siyang halikan nang paulit-ulit. Gusto kong sabihin sa kaniya lahat ng magandang nangyayari sa buhay ko, mga taong nakilala at nanatili rito, mga lugar at bagay na napuntahan at nasubukan ko... gusto ko siyang kausapin, kwentuhan at balitaan hanggang sa matapos ang araw. Gustong-gusto ko siyang makita—ulit.

Oh, what I'd give if I could at least relive our memories together once again.

"I guess that's a yes." Tumayo ito at umakma ng pag-alis ngunit tumigil sa kalagitnaan, nang napansing nanatili akong natutula at nakaupo roon. "Shall we?"

Kumurap ako ng ilang beses bago alanganing tumayo. Ang panibagong kaba ay muling gumapang sa akin, knowing that I'll soon be seeing something that Raf left behind... for me.

"This is... this is a..." Nasapo ko ang mga labi para sa mga hikbing kanina ko pang pinipigilan.

We are outside the gate of a three storey building that looked mostly like a house. Halos mapahagulgol na ako roon. It was designed exactly like how I told Raf years ago.

The man smiled. "Yes. He specifically asked a professional for the details of the design to be like a house, but this is a foundation aiming to teach children who's been deprived of education. Everything's free of cost and it'll be funded by some of Raf's savings and of course a few generous donators, most are his friends.

"Though he didn't actually tell anyone about this because he doesn't want to spoil it. Ang sabi niya, para raw ito sa fiancé niya. And he'll show it first to you after the day of your marriage... but in the process of finding you, I kinda end up talking about this stuff with his friends in the hope that you'll show up and claim it, so..." He paused for a shrug. "Most of the money he's been saving up for years were almost spent in building this establishment, Miss Belmonte."

I'm still too stunned to speak a single word that I just stand there, wiping my tears as I watched him heaved out a heavy sigh.

"And the last thing he asked for me is to get him that." He gestures at the small black box in my hand. "I've never seen him so keen and nervous at the same time when he asked me where he can get something like it."

Bumagsak ang mga mata ko sa sariling palad. My heart's pounding so fast and loud I can feel it breaking. Sa nanginginig na kamay ay dahan-dahan ko itong binuksan. And I've never been so right.

Sapo ko ang mga labi at ang panibagong luha ay muli na namang bumuhos.

"No, no." He was shaking both his head and hands at some people who are curiously looking at us. Some of them looks amused and thrilled while taking pictures of us.

But I couldn't even contain my feelings that I didn't care about what they think is going on. All I know is that the box in my hand is where the two golden rings lie.