They gotta be fucking kidding me. This must be some kind of a sick joke.

"What the hell are you guys saying?" I heard myself whispered these words with a trembling voice.

"It just didn't add up."

Dead. Gone.

"M-My mom... and d-dad wasn't..." Naninikip ang dibdib ko at tila hindi sumasapat ang hangin gaano man kalakas ang pag-ihip nito. And I think there might be something wrong with the air because every time I breathe in, it fucking hurts.

"Raf... I just met him in the bus! He's okay! We just talked! H-He's not... he c-can't be..."

"Don't you think there's still something missing?"

I shivered as scraps of unknown memories flashed like lightning in front of my eyes. Memories I've never known existed... Or rather, memories I desperately tried to repress and shut at the back of my mind.

Then I heard something snapped... my sanity.

Nanghihina man ay napasigaw ako kasabay ng pagpalahaw dahil sa lubos na panlulumo at paghihinagpis.

"...you're not dying because you aren't sick..."

From the very beginning, I always wonder why I carry this feeling with my everyday life, "Why don't you just let me fucking die?!" And I guess, this losses perfectly explains why.

"... I've lost some people I love but losing you like that was never a given..."

"Kinuha mo nang lahat sa 'kin, para saan pa at narito ako?! Come fucking on, take me too! I don't care how or when, just let me fucking go and be gone because I don't want to be here anymore if they're not!"

"Lew..." Sa kalagitnaan ng pagsigaw at pagpalahaw ko'y naramdaman ko ang pagsapo sa akin ng kaibigan. Patuloy ako sa humahangos na paghagulgol at pagsigaw at ni hindi ko namalayang nakasalampak na ako sa lupa.

"Why am I still here?!" I felt my eyes down to my neck burning with heat from my overflowing tears. Ang mga kamay ko'y nanginginig. Sa magkakahalong galit, panlulumo at nag-uumapaw na sakit.

Hindi ko maiwasang itanong sa lahat ng santo, kung gaano kalaking kasalanan ba ang nagawa ko at bakit kailangan nilang maging ganito kalupit sa akin? At kung ganoon na lang kabigat ang kasalanang nagawa ko, bakit hindi na lang ako ang kinuha nila? Bakit kailangang maging ganito ng parusa ko?

"Lew, it's okay, you're gonna be okay..." Humahangos man sa pag-iyak ay nagawa pa rin akong aluhin ng kaibigan.

Umiling ako nang paulit-ulit ngunit pakiramdam ko'y kahit ilang beses kong sabihin ito, wala pa ring makakaintindi kung gaano ito kasakit para sa akin, "I'm not! I'm never... I'm never gonna be... okay..."

Para akong dinudurog mula loob hanggang labas. Pakiramdam ko unti-unti akong nauupos at sa huli'y isang ihip o isang hipan lamang ay tuluyan na akong maglalaho.

And if I'll go over the list of my should have's, I might never be able to finish because I have countless of it. Oh, the useless things we asked ourselves only when everything's already said and done.

I didn't know how or when I stopped from crying or what happened after that. The last thing I remember is that I felt almost feverish with all the crying and screaming. With pain and fury storming inside of me. Na hanggang sa paggising ay dala ko pa rin, paulit-ulit na umuukilkil sa Sistema ko.

The load I carry everyday felt excruciatingly heavy that even breathing itself hurts. Ang luha ko'y animong sirang gripo na 'di maawat sa pagtulo, nang wala man lang abiso o babala. My body felt numb but I can feel my heart sinking below and each time, it wanders deeper.

Ang mga tanong ay paulit-ulit na umiikot sa isipan ko. Walang hanggang mga bakit, ano at paano. Lahat ng maaari kong pagtanungan ay natanong ko na ngunit wala pa ring humamak ni isang bigyan ako ng sagot. I wanted so much to scream my rage 'till I'm empty, like I did back at our house. But the weariness is keeping me lying in bed, feeling helpless and restless with everything. Kaya't wala akong ibang nagawa kundi ang tumulala sa kisame habang lumuluha at kinukwestyon ang lahat ng desisyong nagawa ko sa buhay.

I remember everything. And it fucking aches. Every memory of them. The good and the bad. Now all turned into nothing but pain.

Gustuhin ko mang purihin ang puso ko sa kung paano niya nakakaya ang ganito katinding bigat ng sakit, ay tila unti-unti na rin siyang sumusuko. Bugbog sarado. Durog. Ngunit patuloy pa rin sa dapat niyang gawin... ang sikapin akong buhayin sa kabila ng kawalan kong interes na magpatuloy pang mabuhay. What a tough job to keep.

"Miss Lew, kumain ka na? Gusto mo basahan kita ng libro?"

Tulala ako sa bintanang nasa gilid ng kama habang nakahiga. I don't have the energy to move and turn to Alfie or to even talk. Eating isn't an option too, that's why they end up bringing me to the hospital with an IV attached and to be monitored by professionals. Wala rin akong lakas upang umangil kaya't hinayaan ko na lang silang dalhin ako rito. As long as I get to stare into space, I don't care where I am. I don't give a damn about anything anymore so why bother about the small details like that.

"Sumali ka ba sa hunger games? Iba na ba ang mechanics n'yan? Literal na raw na fasting?" I heard a defeated sigh but I feigned ignorance.

Instead, I watched the fallen leaves danced on the passing wind before it left my sight. Hindi na ako sigurado kung ilang araw, linggo o buwan akong ganoon. Walang ni isang kinakausap ni tinitignan.

"Lew, please... you're killing yourself... please kumain ka naman kahit konti." Sobs followed Monica's voice but I'm hearing it as if I was drifting away...

And for all the books I've read, I can't help but think what part of losing someone this way they find inspiring or life turning or whatever. All of that sounds bullshit to me right now. Saang parte noon ang life turning? O siguro itong buhay ko lang talaga ang walang kwenta sa simula't sapul. All this suffering is for naught because I'm gonna die someday. And how I hope that that day would be today. Ang saya ko lang siguro kung mangyari 'yon.

No, I won't pretend to be strong and sugar coat this whole thing to be something spectacular, or life changing or whatever fucking bullcrap this is. Because it isn't.

"Ma-ma... say Ma-ma,"

"Ma... ma!"

He chuckled delightfully. "That's a good girl. Now say Pa-pa... Pa... pa."

"Pa... p-pa!"

He turned to me with unbridled amusement and glee drawn all over his face, despite the tears brimming on his eyes. "Did you hear that, Lew?"

"Our little pumpkin! Now say mum-my-ta!"

"Hon, that's a freaking long endearment. Tignan mo ang apo mo o, ngumunguso na! Kamukha na ng mama!"

Laughter roared on the whole room but I can hear myself sobbing nonstop. Lumingon silang tatlo sa akin nang may pag-aalala at iba pang hindi mabasang ekspresyon sa mukha.

"Oh, Lewy..."

"Sweetie..."

"Lew... Lewis... hey. It's okay. We're okay. You're okay... don't be afraid."

Kasabay ng isang marahas na singhap ay humahangos akong napamulat ng mga basang mata. Mahigpit ang pagkuyom ng mga kamao ko sa tela ng sariling higaan. Ang paghihimagsik at paghihinagpis ay sabay na lumulukob sa akin. And with what little strength I have, I let out a blood-curdling scream and yowled my heart out.

Halos wala pang isang minuto ang lumilipas ay mayroon nang humahangos na dumating para lang aluin ako.

"Lew, Lew, what happened? Lew, what is it? Lew!" Hindi ko man marinig nang maayos ang boses niya dahil sa sariling pagtangis, ay ramdam ko ang panginginig niya ng niyakap ako. She was crying too but she never ceased to whisper things just to calm me down.

"Ate Mon, anong nangyari?!"

"They're gone! They're all gone!" Patuloy ako sa paghagulgol at pagsigaw sa kabila ng hapdi ng mga mata at lalamunan.

"They are... but you're still here, we're still here..."

Gone. I can't utter, hear and see that word the same way again.

Naaninag ko ang pagdating ng nurse at ang pagturok nito ng kung ano sa naka-attach na IV sa akin habang inaalo ako ni Monica. "It's okay, you can cry it all out... you can scream your rage... it's okay to mourn now, Lew..."

Para na akong mahihimatay dahil sa sobrang pag-iyak. Inatake ako ng hilo at panghihina bago tuluyang nawalan ng malay. I can no longer count how many times I woke up wailing like that until I passed out. But I vividly remember each time I dreamt of Rafiele together with our little pumpkin as well as Mom and Dad. It was a good dream but every time I woke up, it always turns into a nightmare, knowing that they're no longer here.

I kept wondering how it looks like out there... on the other side. Siguro mas maganda roon kaysa sa impyernong kinalalagyan ko ngayon. Siguro 'pag tinalon ko ang bintanang 'to matatapos nang lahat. Sakit. Pangungulila. Pagsisisi. Pagdurusa.

Sounds tempting.

I wonder how much pain it'll cost to finally end things. Though I'm guessing it might not be that excruciating since I already suffered worse.

Isang hakbang na lang. Isang hakbang lang at tapos na ang lahat.

I was only inches close into taking that single step when I heard a voice calling out to me.

"Lewis Belmonte!

"Malaki kang gaga! You've been hiding everything from me for the past years at ni hindi mo ako hinayaang damayan ka! You've been running away from your problems and everyone including me! You haven't been able to move on for years at ngayon na gusto kong bumawi hindi mo pa rin ako hahayaan?!"

"Ate Mon, k-kalma ka lang."

Dahan-dahan at walang kabuhay-buhay akong lumingon pabalik sa kwarto kung saan ako naka-admit. At tila noon lamang, sa nakalipas na mga buwan, nagliwanag at nagbalik ang paningin ko. I saw an enraged and almost breathless Monica with brimming tears on her eyes. Pulang-pula siya. Sa tabi niya ay ang mangiyak-ngiyak na si Alfie na hawak ang isang braso niya, tila inaawat. There are some nurses behind them too with panic and worry laced on their expressions.

"I'm not just your fair-weathered friend! I am your fucking bestfriend, Lew! Hell, you're already a sister to me! You are a family! So why can't you share your pain and sufferings with me?! Why is it so easy for you to turn around and take my concern for granted?!"

I gaped at the foreign sight of them. Have they always been here?

"Ate Mon..." Alfie started sobbing as Monica tear up and fell jadedly on the floor.

"I'm not a perfect friend but I'm always here for you... I can take a part of your agony if you just let me... please let me... nandito pa ako eh... 'wag muna... 'wag naman pati ikaw mawawala nang ganito o."

I blinked a few times in complete awareness and looked down only to see my bleeding hands where the IV used to be attached. Maputla ang balat ko at halos maging buto't balat na ito dahil sa payat.

And before I knew it, naroon na ako nakatayo sa harap ng humahagulgol na kaibigan. Si Monica na walang kapahingahan at pagod sa lahat ng kakulangan, kabulastugan, pighati at pagkakamali ko bilang tao, ang bestfriend ko, ang kapatid kong, "Lukaret."

Natahimik at natigilan silang lahat nang sa wakas ay magsalita ako. Monica slowly lift her head up and the moment her swollen and tired eyes fell on mine, mas lalo siyang napahagulgol at humahangos na napatayo para lang akapin ako nang mahigpit.

"You sarcastic bitch! Tinakot mo ako! Akala ko matutuluyan na talaga akong maging loka-loka! Don't you dare do that ever again!"

"Aray," was all I could managed to mumble.

The nurses heaved out a sigh of relief while on the other hand, Alfie cried like a kid he was. Gusto ko sanang matawa sa lukot niyang mukha ngunit natagpuan ko na lamang ang sarili kong umiiyak. Ngunit hindi na dahil sa nakapanlulumong pagkawala ng mga taong mahal ko sa buhay, kundi dahil sa muli kong pagkakahanap ng dahilan upang magpatuloy mabuhay.