After deleting all of my social media accounts and throwing away my sim card, I sell my phone and never once care to go online or to check news on anyone.

I kept myself busy and mostly alive by taking different jobs I've never thought I'm capable of having. I met countless of people I've never known existed. I went to places I've never seen and been before. And I never thought until those times of solitude how a single cup of coffee and a good book, can complete the hollow part of my life—even for a while. That's why I treat myself with a book every time I get the chance and money to spend it with. I managed to find contentment with the pages of books, together with a sip of coffee and my solitary for my everyday life.

And after a year of wandering around, I finally decided to settle on a small town that's hundreds of miles away from home. It has an overlooking view of the sea so it's not that bad. At sa nakalipas na taong iyon, natanggap ko na sa sarili kong ganito na lang ako, na ako na lang ang mayroon ako. I'm not blaming anyone because it's my decision, after all.

Two years later when I decided to put up a mini second-hand book store with all the books I've collected over the years. Those books are my treasure and I wanted to keep them close to me the way they've grown close to my heart. But as we grow older, we start to discern that if there are things that's worth keeping, it's the lessons and messages that moved us, the emotions we felt. It is the inner things that matter the most and not the tangible thing itself. And that makes letting go of things you thought you needed or that you think is important, somewhat easier.

It was around that time when an odd kid came around.

Palagi ko itong nahuhuling nakadungaw mula sa labas ng store. Ngunit sa tuwing aakma pa lang akong lumapit sa kaniya'y, dali-dali na siyang kumakaripas ng takbo. Palagi rin siyang dumaraan sa shop ngunit kailanma'y hindi niya tinangkang pumasok ni humawak lamang sa pinto nito.

What a weird kid.

It was a rainy day and I was about to close the store as the dusk hits when I found him outside, hugging both his legs in almost a fetal position while sitting on the wet and cold pavement. His shoulders are shaking, a sign that he's crying.

Nagulat man sa nadatnan ay mas pinili kong maging kalmado nang dinaluhan ko siya roon at sinubukang kausapin. Humalukipkip ako at sumandal sa hamba ng pintuan at maigi siyang tinapunan ng tingin. "Hey, kiddo."

Mula sa pagbaon ng mukha sa mga tuhod ay nahuli ko ang bahagyang pagtalon, sunod ang pagkakatigil ng panginginig ng mga balikat niya sa gulat. Marahil dahil sa hindi inaasahang pagkakarinig ng boses ko.

A couple of seconds passed until he decided to hesitantly take a peak on me from hunching over his knees.

I saw how red and swollen with tears his eyes are as it register to mine. And somehow, I felt something tugged inside of me... thinking what my little pumpkin could've looked like now if she didn't left too soon... she's probably around four or five now... and I have to stop thinking about her or about the past right there.

Tumikhim ako at sinubukang muling ituon ang pansin sa bata. "What's your name?"

Pagkatapos suminghot ay mabilis siyang nag-angat ng mukha at mabilis na sinabing, "Alfieño!" At muling nagbaon ng mukha sa mga tuhod. Hindi ako nagsalita hanggang sa muli siyang dumungaw roon. "B-But don't call me that... just... Alfie."

Tumaas ang isang kilay ko sa turan niya. "Okay, Alfie. Mind telling me why you choose to slouch and weep over here of all places?"

He blinked a few times before finally decided to lift his face from his knees. Pinunasan niya ang mga luhang naiwan gamit ang braso bago lumingon sa akin. "M-My lolo collapsed..."

"Is he gonna die?" I wanted to be sympathetic but I just can't find it in me at the moment. Maybe because I never met his lolo nor this kid my entire life, that I lack the awareness of feeling anything towards them. Or maybe I just lose interest in what people around me are feeling over the years.

"The doctor said... that... Lolo may or may not... die. Pero ayaw ko no'n!" Muling nanggilid ang mga luha sa mga mata niya, ngunit pilit niya itong pinigilang tumulo.

"He's not dead pa naman pala, ba't kung makaiyak ka riyan 'kala mo namatayan ka ng buong mag-anak?" I'm not a fan of giving advises or comforting someone, that's why I didn't try to give him that. He's a stranger after all.

But there's just something in his eyes that's telling me he's been through a lot despite his young age. And I didn't know that until he says, "Lolo was my only family left... I never met my parents... they left after giving birth to me... they abandoned me... Lolo was the only one who accepted and took me in..."

My lips formed in a thin line. I was silent for a couple of minutes and Alfie didn't bother to fill the growing silence between us. The sound of the pouring rain echoed as we both stared at its every drop together with the grey sky, probably both wondering why the people we love leaves us too soon.

Until I cut off the melancholic air that's building up by breaking the silence with, "Get inside. Mukha kang pulubi riyan. 'Wag mong sirain ang image ng shop ko." Sabay balik ko sa loob.

Dahan-dahan naman siyang tumayo roon at may pag-aalangang sumunod sa akin papasok. Pagkatapos maglibot ng tingin sa kabuuan ng maliit kong shop ay nagbalik siya ng tingin sa akin, eyes are puffed from crying and some part of his clothes are soaked with the rain. Nakakaawa siyang tignan kaya't kinuhanan ko na ng towel mula sa cupboard.

I heaved out a sigh after I gave it to him. "Let's not talk about sad things, alright? As you can see, it's already raining outside. Let's not make it rain inside too."

Tinapunan lamang niya ako ng litong tingin habang nagpupunas ng pisngi gamit ang towel, mukhang hindi na-gets ang sinabi ko.

I grimaced at that. Why did I even bother talking like that to this kid? Wala na talaga yata akong makausap nang matino. Perhaps I should expand my social life by talking to some of my neighbour shops?

I winced more at the thought. Puro matatanda na kasi ang mga iyon, at sa tuwing nakikita ako'y walang ibang bukang-bibig kundi ang ireto ako sa mga anak nila.

Makalipas ang ilang sandali ay itinuro niya ang sariling dibdib gamit ang daliri sabay biglang sabing, "It is already raining inside though."

Natigilan at bahagya akong nagulat roon. I blinked a few times before I managed to nod. "Okay."

This kid's really odd after all. Can't blame him after what he's been through. He needed to grow up fast.

"I have a few questions for you and I'll appreciate it if you could give me some answers to enlighten me. Okay, kid?"

"Alfie," he almost retorted this, with lips protruding in objection. Sabay pagalit na singa sa towel na hawak. "I'm twelve, I'm not a kid."

I looked flatly at him. Sinabi ko bang gawin niyang singahan ang towel?

Binalewala ko ang sinabi niya at diretsahang tinanong ito, "Why are you always hovering outside my shop, kiddo? That's not a good habit to have, you know."

"Uhm..." Sandali siyang sumulyap sa glass wall at tipong nag-iisip bago muling nagbalik ng tingin sa akin. "I thought I saw you once before... and I was just wondering if I can rely on my memories."

Bahagyang nakunot ang noo ko nang kuryoso ko siyang sinipat. "You think you saw me once... before?" Walang humor ang napakawalan kong tawa.

"Look here, kid. Whatever you think you saw isn't possible." Given the miles distance we have from home. "So that's it? That's why you're always peeping like a total weirdo out there? Bakit hindi ka na lang pumasok at nagtanong, 'di ba?"

He blushed a bit but still manage to give off a determined look. "No, once I've seen someone's face, I sure do remember it. Sabi rin 'yon ni Lolo ko."

I scoffed. "I'm telling you, that is not—"

"I once met a lady on a bus and helped her when she started bleeding on the street... by any chance—"

"You were that kid?" Namimilog ang mga mata, I cut him off. "Are you kidding me? Paano kang mapupuntang Manila ng mag-isa? That was miles away from here!"

"So I was right then?" His face lit up a little upon realizing this. Ngunit agad din iyong napalitan ng kabiguan nang makita ang halos pagalit na ekspresyon ko.

"So?" I demanded.

"Lolo once said that my parents are in Manila kaya nagpunta ako roon..."

"You what—are you—!"

"I know," he said as he sheepishly looked down. "Hindi ko naman na inulit eh..."

I shrugged in frustration. Why I'm being worked up over this is a mystery to me.

"Whatever," I muttered.

"What happened to your baby?"

Natigilan ako dahil sa biglaan niyang tanong. I looked at him as flatly as I could then said, "She's gone."

He gaped at me for some time until his lips slowly quivered as tears starts brimming on his eyes. Only that this time, he couldn't manage to prevent it from falling. And with face contorting, he bawled his eyes out.

Pumikit ako nang mariin habang pinakikinggan ang mga palahaw niya. Now I guess I'm kinda getting why I'm feeling what I'm feeling towards this kid. He's bringing out the mother side that I didn't get to know because of my lost child.

"Alright, kiddo, you can stop crying now," sabi ko sa problemadong tinig habang sapo ang sentido at nanatiling nakapikit.

"Bakit kailangang umalis ng mga taong mahal natin? Ayaw ba nila sa 'tin? Bakit hindi sila nananatili?!" he cried out loud, almost in frustration and distraught while stomping his feet on the floor.

Bakit nga ba? Iyan din ang tanong ko sa sarili ko.

Lumapit ako sa kaniya at tinapik siya sa tuktok ng ulo para lang mapakalma siya sa pagpadyak. I feel like crying but then I had to remind myself that, "Even so, no amount of crying can bring them back. All you can do is put on your brave face and keep looking ahead of what's the future has in store for you. You have to get up every morning and take everything that life throws at you like a champ because you are one..."

Alfie has been in my shop often after that. Kung minsan ay nagtatanong siya kung ano ang pwede niyang itulong o kung may gusto akong iutos o kung minsan ay may maitanong lang.

May mga pagkakataong nagugulat na lang ako sa pagkukusa niyang maglinis at mag-entertain ng ilang customers. Gusto ko sana siyang sawayin, ngunit nang makita kong mukha namang alam niya kung ano ang ginagawa'y hinayaan ko na lang siya.

Kung noon ay para siyang balat sibuyas sa hiya, ngayo'y animong kasosyo ko na siya sa negosyo kung magkaroon siya ng pake sa shop.

Malimit din siyang nagtatanong sa akin ng kung ano-anu tungkol sa mga libro at madali naman niyang natatandaan ang mga sinasabi ko. He sure was an odd kid but he's quite responsible and precocious despite his age. I had to admit that his lolo did a great job raising him. And speaking of the latter, madalas din siyang magkwento sa akin ng tungkol dito, sa mga kwento nito sa kaniya at sa kondisyon at lagay na rin nito.

A year after that rainy day incident, his lolo passed away.

Alfie was still so young then to encounter the bitter taste of loss. But then I guess that's the way of life for all of us. Walang edad, estado o ano pa man ang pagpili nito. We are all bound to experience and taste it at a certain point of our lives. Loss... is inevitable.

Walang ibang kamag-anak si Alfie bukod sa kapatid ng lolo niyang bed-ridden na at pinapaalagaan na lang ng mga anak sa isang hired nurse, dahil sa ibang bansa na naninirahan ang mga ito.

His lolo was his everything.

Maraming kakilala ang lolo niya. Kaya't ang mga ito na ang kusang tumulong sa mga dapat asikasuhin mula sa paglabas ng ospital ng lolo niya hanggang sa burol nito. May ilan rin sa mga itong nagpresintang kupkupin si Alfie ngunit ayaw niya. He said he can manage to live by himself alone because his lolo taught him the way of life and he's confident with the latter's coaching.

A thirteen year old boy raising himself up single-handedly. That sounds saddening and tragic, yet aweing at the same time. Bilib ako sa tapang at determinasyon ng batang ito sa pagharap ng buhay. I just can't help but find myself rooting for him and hope that he won't be done with life too soon the way I did.

Sometime of that year when an unexpected visitor came.

"Lew? Lewis?!" malakas na bulalas ng isang boses habang naglalakad ako sa kalsada, dahilan upang sandali akong matigilan.

Nalingon ko ang pinanggalingan nito para lang malaglag ang panga sa gulat. I stilled and stopped on my tracks.

"You gaga! I've been searching for you everywhere! I thought you were dead! I hate you so much!" She was already crying while dashing towards me from across the street.

Sa gulat at kawalan ng mga salita ay wala akong ibang nagawa kundi ang tanggapin ang mahigpit na yakap niya. Paulit-ulit na itinatanong sa sarili kung bakit siya narito at kung paano siya napunta rito.

"Nakakainis ka! Bakit ka umalis bigla ng walang pasabi?! Halos maloka ako kakahanap sa 'yo!" hagulgol niya habang nakayakap pa rin nang mahigpit sa akin.

"Monica..." The last time I saw her felt ages ago. I still can't believe she's here.

There was a familiar feeling that lingers on me as I hugged her back and tried to hush her from crying, in spite of my tears brimming. Ngunit sa kabila ng paninikip ng lalamunan ay nagawa ko pa ring magbiro. "Mon, why would I be dead? Masamang damo ako kaya mauuna ka pa sa 'kin, lukaret ka."

I never thought until this moment how much I miss her, how much I miss my old life, my people, and my loved ones as a warmth embraced me from within.

Umangil siya sabay kumalas ng yakap sa akin. Muli siyang napabulalas sa nanginginig na boses. "Lewis Belmonte, w-what the hell are you doing here?!"

Pinagtaasan ko siya ng isang kilay matapos punasan ang luha sa pisngi kong tumulo. "That should be my question, Mon. Why are you here? How did you find me?"

We went to my shop and catch up a little. She told me that she received a call from someone through her online posts about me being missing. And I confirmed the caller to be Alfie. Ang batang iyon!

On hindsight though... it's better since he contacted Mon and not... well, not Raf. I wouldn't be able to fool around and to even be calm if he happened to be the one who found me.

"Please don't tell Raf about this," nakatungo ako habang pinipisil ang mga daliri nang sinabi ko ito kay Mon.

She fell silent for a few good jiffy. At alam kong naghihintay siya ng sagot sa kabila ng lahat ng desisyon ko. And I'm ready to tell her everything right now.

"Lew..." Her voice trembled.

Pag-angat ko ng tingin sa kaniya'y nanggigilid na ang luha sa mga mata niya, ang bakas ng gulat ay hindi rin maipinta sa mukha. At hindi pa man ako muling nakakapagsalita'y sunod-sunod nang pumatak ang mga luha niya. Paulit-ulit niyang tinawag ang pangalan ko na tila nanghihingi ng tulong.

Makailang sandali ay tumayo siya mula sa inuupuan at nilapitan ako upang yakapin. She was crying nonstop as she held me weakly. Ilang beses siyang umiling.

And I have to admit. That no matter how long it had been, losing my little pumpkin still hurts the same. At tingin ko'y may mga sugat talaga tayong hindi mapaghihilom gaano man katagal na panahon ang lumipas.

Sa nanginginig na boses at nanunuyong lalamunan ay sinubukan kong aminin ito sa sarili, "I'm sure he'll find happiness somewhere... doesn't matter where, what or... who." A soft cry escaped from my lips as I held Monica's arm around me with my trembling hands. And as if trying to come to terms with it, I continued, "All I wanted was for him to forget me, move on with his life and be happy... because I couldn't give him the things he deserve."