Nanlulumo, hindi ko alam saan ako kumuha ng sapat na lakas ng loob para mag-undergo ng surgery kinabukasan, nang mismong araw sana ng licensure exam ko—ng mag-isa, ng walang kasama o suporta ng kahit na sino. But then as I look back now, I realized it's her... it's my late little pumpkin that gave me the courage to be brave enough and face everything. I didn't shed a single tear back then because I was thinking that there might be another way for us to conceive a child and I'm positive Raf and I will come up with anything.

Everything is gonna be alright—I can hear the small voice at the back of my head whispering this to me every time, and somehow, it's enough to make me feel at ease.

"Lew, where in the hell are you? I couldn't get in touch with you for almost a week! Ano bang pinaggagawa mong gaga ka?!" Mon exclaimed on the other line.

Nailayo ko pa nang kaunti ang phone sa tainga nang mabingi sa lakas ng paghihisterya niya.

"Ang sigaw mo naman, Mon. Masama bang magbakasyon?" I tried to sound sarcastic despite feeling weak.

It's only been a week since the operation. The stitches has been dissolved but the wound is still fresh. At ayaw ko man ay wala akong choice kundi ang gastusin ang naipon na allowance kong galing kina Daddy. I even have to stay in the hospital because I can't stay anywhere alone. Mabuti na sa ospital at kahit paano'y may mga nag-a-assist at nagmo-monitor sa aking mga nurse at doctor.

My block mates on the other hand, bombarded me with calls and messages I haven't got the courage to answer for a whole week. And until now, wala rin silang ideya kung anong nangyayari sa akin. I'm starting to feel bad about not even responding to them. Kaya't siguro'y kailangan ko na rin silang i-assure na ayos lang ako. At least tell them that something came up, para hindi na rin sila mag-alala.

"Bakasyon?! Ako pang niloko mo? You didn't even take your frigging licensure exam! Para ano? Para magbakasyon?! 'Yung totoo nga, Lew. Nasaan ka ba? Something happened doesn't it? Tell me... you know you can tell me everything." A little pause. "Gaga, nag-aalala na ako sa 'yo! Ilang araw na akong kinakabahan nang hindi ko alam kung bakit."

Pumikit ako nang mariin nang matantong walang silbi ang pagsisinungaling sa kaniya. But I still continue with my lies anyway. Mas mabuti nang ganitong hindi niya alam para hindi na siya mag-alala pa. After all, this will all pass without a trace and importance because everything's gonna be alright.

"I'll be home in a month, okay? 'Wag ka ngang aligaga! Ano na lang ang gusto mong pasalubong?" I tried to divert our conversation on something trivial pero ayaw talagang paawat ni Mon. She even said she'll hire an agent to track me down. Baliw talaga ang babaeng iyon.

Until I heard Jeremy on her background saying something.

"What?" Mon gasp violently. Kinabahan agad ako dahil kabisado ko ang timpla ng boses niya.

"Mon, what is it? What happened? Are you okay?" Nag-unahan ang pagtambol ng puso ko nang manatiling tahimik ang kabilang linya.

Something bad happened.

"Monica, please." I closed my eyes shut and prayed that I'm just being mistaken.

She gasp again. At sa nahihirapan at nanliliit na tinig ay muli siyang nagsalita. "Lew, Raf's father passed away... katatawag lang ng ate niya..."

Pagkasapo sa nanginginig na mga labi ay muli akong napapikit nang mariin.

"Lew, you okay?"

Tumango ako ng ilang beses kahit hindi niya ako nakikita. My weak voice trembled. "Does Raf knows?"

"Rañiela couldn't get in touch with him..."

I hold back my sobs. Wala akong ibang maisip kundi ang magiging reaksyon ni Raf once na malaman niya. He love his father dearly. At hindi ko lubos maisip kung paano siya maaapektuhan ng pagkawala nito. I hate that he's so far away from me right now. Dahil wala akong gustong gawin ngayon kundi ang yakapin siya at protektahan sa mga bagay na alam kong makakasakit sa kaniya.

But what else can I do when I'm here having my fair share of sufferings too?

At the time, I managed to think I'm okay. But when I heard Rafiele's voice on the other line days after that, all the pain, distraught and devastation came gushing down on me all at the same time. Para akong malulunod. Punong-puno ako at tila ba si Raf ang nagsilbing pwersa, upang sa wakas ay mapakawalan ko ang mga emosyong naipon sa kalooban ko.

I was in the verge of crying all the while I'm talking to him. He already heard the news from his sister at the time, and he was devastated in the worst state because of his father's passing. I told him nothing but comforting words with an attempt to cheer him up, despite having my own burdens that I refused to tell him.

And as a good actress that I am, convincing enough that everything's gonna be alright, nagawa kong magtunog normal—hanggang sa maputol ang linya.

I bawled my eyes out right after that call. I was aching for him, for having to deal with these things.

I cried over and over again thinking of the first time Raf and I hold hands... how the feeling of being alive used to felt so achingly beautiful back then... But now became nothing but brutally painful.

Paulit-ulit kong iniisip kung tama bang ipagkait ko sa kaniya ang isang bagay na nararapat para sa kaniya. Kung kaya ko bang maging makasarili para nakawin sa kaniya ang pagkakataon na magkaroon ng sarili niya. Because God knows how much he wanted to have a child of his own. And I failed to give him that. Hell, I'm no longer able to give him that!

I know he can think of countless things to get through this, to say that it's okay if we can't have a child but how about in the long run?

Losing his father is hard enough for him. At hindi ko maaatim na dumagdag pa sa mga pasanin niya.

That's the day I made the decision I thought was right at the time.

I went back a month after, na tila walang nangyari. Mon's suspicion never left. Gayunpama'y pinili ko pa ring hindi sabihin sa kaniya. And so I went with my life normally. Buo na ang plano sa isip ko bago pa man ako bumalik. At hindi iyon nagbago ni nayanig sa mga nakalipas na buwan.

I didn't apply for another licensure exam for I don't think I can manage teaching anymore. Knowing that every time I get to see kids, it'll just be a bitter reminder what I'm no longer capable of having.

I tried to contact my parents for the last time, perhaps to ask them if I'm doing the right thing, to ask for their guidance... to stop me from what I'm about to do... or just to know that they're still here... but more to my disappointment, they're still unreachable.

Mon moved out with Jeremy a month after. The two of them are already engaged and just saving up for their wedding. Bumibisita pa rin si Mon sa apartment namin from time to time para i-check ako, ngunit mas madalas na siyang abala sa sarili niyang buhay. Hindi ko na mabilang kung ilang beses kong sinabi sa kaniyang ayos lang ako roon at naiintindihan ko. I had to lie to her and Raf about some things too. Tulad ng pagre-review ko ulit kuno at muling pagkuha ng licensure exam. Hindi ko rin sinabi sa kaniya na pansamantala akong nagtatrabaho sa isang public library. I feel sorry about having to lie to them sometimes pero para rin naman ito sa kanila.

Monica was just about to start her new life and I don't want to burden her with every trouble in mine.

Kaya't lahat ng dalahin ay pinili kong sarilihin na lang.

For three months I acted and converse normally with Raf through the phone. We talked like usual and I can tell that somehow, he's feeling better. He's starting to laugh again and he also stopped blaming himself with his father's death. He's getting a little better each day while I was growing guiltier.

Walang sandaling hindi ko inisip kung tama pa ba ang ginagawa ko. Kaya't sa huli ay napagdesisyunan kong gawin ang tanging bagay na naiisip kong mas magpapadali sa sitwasyon namin ngayon.

I had to make him hate me. There's no way out of this that he won't get hurt and I already detest myself for it.

9:42 pm

RaFiend:

Hey... what you up to?

Tulog ka na ba?

Why aren't you answering my calls? Did something happen?

10:31 pm

You:

Busy

RaFiend:

Oh. Busy reviewing?

Don't strain yourself please

Can I call now? Paalis na kami ng dock

You:

I have my hands full right now

Don't bother to call

RaFiend:

Everything alright?

You:

Yea

RaFiend:

Okay

I'm sure you'll ace your licensure exam

But please don't forget to take time to rest

Tawag nalang ako sa sunod na docking namin

I miss you, Lew

I love you

My hands are trembling. Gustong-gusto kong mag-reply at bawiin lahat ng sinabi—and I had to muster all of my remaining strength just to stop myself from doing so.

Iyak ako nang iyak habang binabasa ang mga messages ni Raf. I was cursing myself nonstop for having to hurt him this way.

Makalipas ang ilang minuto ng pagtulala ay wala sa sarili kong na-dial ang number niya. I should stop this. I shouldn't be doing this. Mahal ko siya at mahal niya ako. I'll tell him what the catch is and we'll both figure something out. If we can't, maybe we'll be happy with just the two of us...

And for a second that I managed to convince myself to withdraw from this scheme, I heard the operator saying that the other line is unreachable.

Muli akong natulala at naiyak na lamang. Who do I think I'm kidding here?

I gave him a cold shoulder for the next two months and he's slowly beginning to feel that there's really something wrong. While here I am gradually feeling numb with every pain I inflict towards him.

RaFiend:

Answer my calls, Lew

Gusto kong marinig ang boses mo

Tell me what's wrong please

Talk to me

Lewis, please

Humugot ako ng isang malalim na hininga para lang mapakalma ang nagwawalang puso. Hindi ko na hinintay pa ulit ang tawag niya, bagkus ay ako na mismo ang tumawag.

I had to do it now. Right now. Kaya ko 'to. Kailangan kong kayanin.

"Hey..." Malat ang boses niya at mukhang pagod.

"Hey." I try to sound as distant as I can despite the ache in my chest.

"You okay? Is there something bothering you?" His usual lenient voice enveloped my ear.

Parang gusto kong murahin ang bukol na namuo sa lalamunan. I can't choke nor do stutter and most definitely waver. I need to control my voice more than I can control my feelings.

"I'm perfectly fine here," sarkastikong utas ko, walang kahit anong bakas ng ibang emosyon ang boses. "Sanay na yata akong wala ka. Ah no, sanay na akong wala ka."

Napapikit ako nang mariin at pinigilan ang sariling maiyak. The pain in my chest is resurfacing with just the sound of his strained breathing. Paulit-ulit kong pinilig ang ulo at hiniling na sana'y matapos na ito kaagad.

"What does that mean?" nahihirapan at halos pabulong niyang sabi.

Sinabunutan ko ang sarili ko para lang mapanatili ang konsentrasyon sa dapat gawin. Para na akong tanga ngunit nakuha ko pa ring panindigan ang mga kasinungalingan ko.

"Kung hindi pa malinaw sa 'yo, it just means that I'm breaking up with you. I met someone while you were busy being away. We've been together for months now and I was planning to tell you—pag-uwi mo sana. But you were so persistent at nakakairita na. Ilang taon ko ring tiniis ang ganitong set up natin, and I'm fed up with it... naisip ko lang, bakit kailangan ko pang mag-settle sa isang taong mas madalas pang hindi ko kasama, when I can be with someone else who can be with me all the time? Nakakasawa kang hintayin palagi, Raf. Siguro hindi talaga tayo ang para sa isa't isa. Don't worry, you'll get over it at some point, tulad ko... and I'm sure you'll find someone better..." At may kalalagyan na talaga ako sa impyerno.

"Lew, wait—what... sandali lang, h-hindi ko maintindihan... what are you saying? How can you... how can that..." I heard his laboured breathing and gasps like he was hurting, baffled and in-between believing or not.

"You don't have to come back for me because I won't wait for you anymore," there's nothing but pure indifference laced in my voice as I uttered these words.

Tulala na ako at hindi ko na maramdaman ang sunod-sunod na pagpatak ng mga luha sa pisngi. My throat are tightening with every breath I took. The ache in my chest felt like a beating, leaving my soul spent.

"Lew? Lewis?" The way he called out my name was like he was so unsure, so lost and in so much pain that he doesn't know what to do or what to say.

It breaks my fucking heart to pieces. And I've never wanted anything so much in my life, but to just rush over him and hug him and assure him that everything's gonna be alright.

"Uuwi ako... pag-uusapan natin 'to... Lew, sabihin mo sa 'king maaayos pa natin... you can't just... please... Lewis, sumagot ka na naman o. Mapag-uusapan pa naman natin 'di ba? Kung may nagawa man ako o kung may mga pagkukulang man ako... Lew, 'wag namang ganito, please..."

Pilit kong sinubukang sapuhin ang mga hikbi para lang hindi niya marinig. I was hurting myself physically in an attempt that the pain will take over my emotions. Ilang beses pa akong huminga nang malalalim habang nakalayo ang phone bago muling nakapagsalita gamit ang malamig na boses.

"Wala na tayong pag-uusapan."

"Lew, naman... Lew, mahal na mahal kita—"

"Goodbye, Rafiele." Sabay putol ko ng tawag.

Wala pang ilang segundo ang lumipas nang mag-ring ang phone ko sa tawag niya. Gamit ang nanginginig na mga kamay ay c-in-ancel ko iyon at agad pinatay ang phone pagkatapos.

Ilang sandali pa muna akong napatulala sa kawalan, hanggang sa isa-isa nang nag-unahan sa pagtulo ang panibagong mga luha. Isinigaw ko ang hikbing kanina pang pinipigilan. Ang magkabila kong kamao ay nakakuyom at halos magdugo na ang mga palad ko dahil sa higpit nito.

I had to do it.

Mahal ko si Raf. Para iyon sa kaniya.

Ngunit kahit ilang beses kong sabihin iyon sa sarili ko'y ni katiting na sakit ay hindi nababawas. The pain was too much that I started thinking if all of this is worth it... because the heartache seems to outweigh the condition...

I've decided this a long time ago, ngunit hanggang ngayo'y nagdadalawang-isip pa rin ako kung tama ba ang desisyong napili ko o hindi. Because truth be told, I'm so lost and broken I don't know how I can still manage to get up every morning knowing that I hurt the only person I've ever love more than my own life.

But it was the indecisiveness and pain at the time that fuelled me to do exactly what I think I needed to... in the hope that everything will be alright after this. It'll hurt for now but he'll be happy and he'll thank me for it—someday.

You:

Lukaret, I'm off for vacation! Hindi ko pa sure kung gano katagal

Unwinding and the sort. So don't try to contact me for some time

I'm fine and I mean it :)

I'll miss you, Mon

Thank you for always being there for me despite my shortcomings

And I'm sorry if I couldn't be with you in your most difficult times

You're the sister I never had and I love you for it

Exactly a week before Raf descent on the ship, I left... and never look back. I left most of my things at my apartment the same way I left my old self, my dreams for the future with Raf, together with the people I love, behind.

I left with the intent of not coming back and to start anew. Alone. To rediscover life. Myself. Everything.