Raf called and said he'd be home the next week. He was growing impatient by the time and I always told him that it's okay, that I can manage on my own, and that it's not that hard. Ngunit sadyang may mga araw talagang hirap ako sa pagkain lalo nang pagbangon sa umaga. I was becoming more of a finicky eater. Basta may baboy o kahit anong malansa ay nasusuka na ako kaagad pagkaamoy pa lang. I feel tired most of the time too kahit wala naman akong ginagawa. May mga araw ring wala akong gustong kainin ngunit pinipilit ko ang sariling kumain kahit biskwit o kahit anong light na pwede sa akin. It was hard. Those days.

Mon and Jere usually stays at our apartment lalo na kung alam nilang naroon ako at nag-iisa. My block mates always checks on me too whenever we're not together or at school. I appreciate their effort and concern so much. Ngunit kung minsan ay pakiramdam ko'y masyado ko nang nako-consume ang personal time nila. Lalo na ang kay Monica. She rarely goes out with Jeremy or with her friends now unlike before. And though Jere always visits in our apartment, alam kong iba pa rin iyong nakakalabas sila nang sila lang dalawa.

Kaya't nang isang beses at tumawag si Mommy na nagsabing umuwi muna ako sandali sa palapit na weekend, dahil may kailangan kaming pag-usapan, ay kinabahan na ako kaagad.

Does she knows? Naisip ko agad. But it didn't sound like that given her weary and upset voice. Hindi ako sigurado anong magiging reaksyon niya pero alam kong matutuwa siya kahit paano. Given that I was an only child and they never had a niece or nephew because she and dad are also an only child. A cute little pumpkin as an additional to the family doesn't sound so bad now, is it?

Kaya nang magising ako kinabukasan at maganda ang pakiramdam ay tingin ko'y sign na iyon para gawin ang naiisip. Our home is only an hour drive from Manila so I think I can manage to commute alone. Isa pa, kung mahihilo ako't magsusuka'y tingin ko kaya ko namang intindihin ang sarili mag-isa. Ayaw ko nang abalahin si Mon dahil bukod sa may pasok siya'y alam kong may sarili rin siyang buhay, at ayaw kong masyado siyang abalahin at hadlangan doon. Hindi ko na lang sasabihin na uuwi ako para hindi na siya mag-alala. And speaking of Mon, she texted.

Montanga:

Lewis Belmonte where you at?!

So that's the plan. I took the bus ride going home alone. Wala akong sinabihan na kahit sino dahil magpa-panic lang ang mga iyon. I mean, I'm not disabled but sometimes, I feel worse than that because of their nonstop worrying and all. I'm not complaining though. I appreciate their concern for me and my little pumpkin but sometimes, it's just too much.

You:

Just out for some errands. Be right back in a while! :)

Montanga:

Bat 'di mo sinabi sana sinamahan kita! May one hour break naman ako

You:

I'll be fine on my own, Mon. 'Wag kang nagger! Hahaha

Montanga:

Gaga!

Be back before lunch or I'll rip your fav dress to shreds! Hahaha

Napailing na lang ako sa sarili bago itinabi ang phone para sa pagbaba. So far, I'm not feeling nauseous or dizzy. Just a little tired but it's tolerable.

"Mom, hey!" nakangiting bati ko agad pagkakita sa kaniya sa living room.

I was wearing a loose sleeveless dress that goes five inches above my knee, to hide my baby bump. Hindi naman nagkumento si Mom sa hindi pangkaraniwan kong pananamit.

And instead, she greeted me with the same weary and upset tone she had yesterday. "Lewy, you're home..."

"Mom, are you okay?" I probed with concern.

Mukha talaga siyang balisa sa kung anong bagay. But she still tried to assure me by smiling and patting me lightly on the shoulder. "I'm fine, anak. It's just... the last few days had been... never mind... your dad and I have something to tell you. Kumain ka na ba? He'll be home soon, may dinaanan at inayos lang saglit, let's wait for him a bit."

Tumango at ngumiti ako bilang pagsang-ayon kay Mommy. Though there's a voice at the back of my head telling me to spill the beans to her. For I'm sure the news will cheer her up a little. Raf said to wait for him para sabay naming sabihin kina Mommy pero tingin ko hindi ko na siya mahihintay. Two more days and he'll be home with our new family.

Mom offered me a cup of coffee. I immediately winced at the sight. Hindi sa ayaw ko noon, sadyang sinabihan lang ako ng doktor na limitahan ang pag-take nito.

"Why? You never said no to coffee," Mom observed upon seeing my reaction.

"Actually, Mom, I have something to tell you too..."

Sandaling natigilan si Mommy mula sa pag-inom ng sariling kape bago ako pagtuunan ng maiging pansin. "What is it, Lewy?"

I gave her my sweetest smile. "I'm pregnant. You and Dad are soon gonna be grandparents!"

"What?"

"First trimester pa lang, mom, kaya hindi pa halata." Niyuko ko ang tyan at bahagyang hinaplos. "I wonder if it'll be a she or a he... but either way, mahal ko na siya agad kahit hindi ko pa siya nakikita."

Napatingala ako ng wala sa oras nang marinig ko ang biglaang pagtayo ni Mommy.

"Mom?" Nagtaka ako ng walang lingon siyang umalis sa couch at nagtungo sa kusina dala ang sariling tasa.

Wait, where are the maids?

Tumayo ako para sundan siya roon ng maisip kong baka may nangyari o baka may naramdaman siyang hindi maganda bigla.

"Mom, are you okay?" Sasalatin ko sana ang balikat niya ngunit nagulat ako nang marahas niyang tinabig palayo ang kamay ko. Isang naiiwang hapdi na lamang ang naramdaman ko nang dumapo ang palad niya sa pisngi ko pagkaharap sa akin.

"You're pregnant?! You're still in college! You haven't proven anything yet but you're telling me now that you're pregnant?!" The anger I saw in her eyes are foreign to me.

I stilled in bafflement with her sudden furious and frustrated expression. Mom never shouted at me while growing up. She might reprimand me from time to time but she never raised her voice like this at me. Lalo nang pananakit.

"Lewis, how can you be stupid?! We gave you everything! Pinalagpas namin ng daddy mo ang lahat ng kalokohan mo! We've never been uptight when it comes to you! But I didn't raise a daughter like this! How can you ruin our trust with you and Rafiele?! Hinayaan namin kayo knowing that you two are responsible enough to mind your own actions and decisions! Ito ba ang sinasabi mong gusto mong maging independent?! And what did it prove now?!"

"Mom?" Nangatal ang mga labi ko't kamay habang pinapanood ang galit at disappointment niya sa akin.

Mom started crying despite trying to suppress her uncontrollable sobs. Ni hindi ko na pinansin ang mga luha ko nang nilapitan ko siya at sinubukang aluin. Ngunit bago ko pa man siya mahawakan ay muli lamang niya akong hinawi.

"You still have your future ahead of you, Lewis! How dare you put it aside to be a what? A mother at a young age?! You're only twenty one! And twenty one isn't a right age to be a mother! Ganiyan ba kita pinalaki?! God knows how much I've tried to give you everything! Anything! For you! Tapos ganito lang ang gagawin mo?!" she spat in hysterics with bloodshot eyes.

I can see from her fists that's both clenched and trembling on her sides how livid she is. And it breaks my heart to watch how her loving eyes turned into nothing but fury and disappointment for me. Walang ni isang pagkakataon kong naisip kung ano ang mararamdaman nila noon sa mga kalokohan ko. Dahil alam kong kahit ano man iyon ay madali lang nila akong pagbibigyan. But seeing how Mom is reacting right now, ngayon lamang bumabalik sa akin ang lahat. Sa kung anong klaseng anak ako naging sa kanila. And it aches to admit that she's right. That all along they've been nothing but good parents for me yet this is how I pay off all of their efforts.

"Mom, I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I promise I'll be a good mother. I wanted to be one like you—"

"A good mother? Am I considered a good mother with what happened to you?! At tingin mo ganoon lang kadali iyon? Do you have any idea how hard it is being a mother to a daughter like you?!"

Gasping, I froze with the sudden pang of pain I felt from her words. Alam kong galit lang siya pero... alam ko rin sa sarili ko na sakit talaga ako sa ulo noon... o siguro mas lalo ngayon.

Natigilan rin si Mommy sandali at kita ko ang gulat sa ekspresyon niya na tila hindi rin inasahan ang nasabi. "I am very disappointed in you, Lewis." She heaved out an exasperated sigh and without looking at me, she pointed the way out with a trembling finger. "Leave... I am in a deranged state right now... and talking to you only worsen it. Go back to Manila and rethink your whole life decisions until you can make sense of how stupid your previous ones turned out. And don't you dare show your face in front of me again until you do so."

Hindi ako nakakilos mula sa kinatatayuan dahil sa magkakahalong gulat, kirot at hindi paniniwala sa nangyayari. Sa lahat ng sinabi sa akin ni Mommy. Sa galit niya at pagtatakwil sa akin.

"Mommy..." Tuloy-tuloy ang luha ko nang sinubukan ko siyang sundan pagkatalikod niya sa akin. Ngunit sa labo ng mga mata ko't panghihina ay nanlambot na lamang ang mga tuhod ko roon.

I took the bus ride going back to Manila with a heavy heart. Hindi ko alam kung kasama ba sa pagbubuntis ang pagiging sobrang emosyonal, o talagang ganoon na lang kasakit ang mga salitang natanggap ko galing kay Mommy. I was crying the whole trip back. Ang kakaunting pasaherong sakay ng bus ay napapatingin pa sa akin ngunit wala akong pakialam. And I never thought that a one hour ride could be painfully long and tiring like this.

We were nearing the terminal when I felt a tinged of pain down my stomach. Hindi ko iyon pinansin. Suddenly, I was aching to go home and have a long rest because of the tiredness I'm feeling. Kaya't nang huminto ang bus ay agad akong tumayo upang bumaba.

"Ate, okay ka lang po? Namumutla ka, wala ka pong kasama?" There was a kid, probably around seven years old, alone in the bus who asked me this. He was wearing a bag pack and a bucket hat. He looks attentive and quite clever despite his age. At kung wala kami sa ganitong sitwasyon ay makikipagkwentuhan sana ako sa kaniya, magtatanong at marahil ay sasamahan siya panandalian dahil sa pag-aalalang maligaw siya o mapaano.

"I'm fine, kiddo." But even speaking becomes a difficult job because of my tiredness.

"Sure ka po?" the boy probed, sumusunod sa akin sa pagbaba ng bus.

Tumango ako rito at bahagyang ngumiti kahit nahihirapan.

"Okay." That's when the boy finally lets me go. Sandali ko lamang pinanood ang pagtungo niya sa opposite direction ng binabaan naming bus.

Papara na sana ako ng taxi nang muli kong maramdaman ang kirot sa puson, this time it's longer and more painful than the first. Halos mamilipit ako roon dahil sa sakit na nadarama. The ache in my head isn't helping too. Kinabahan na ako ng ilang sandali pa at hindi pa rin humuhupa ang sakit. There must be something wrong!

"Ate! Ate! You're bleeding!" It was the same voice of the boy, only that it's laced with panic right now.

Napadaing ako sa muling pagguhit ng sakit sa puson at bahagyang nasadlak sa simentadong kalsada.

"Help! Tulong po please! Taxi! Taxi!!"

Hindi ko na alam kung ano ang eksaktong nangyari pagkatapos. Natagpuan ko na lamang ang sarili ko sa isang higaan pagkagising. Para akong nabugbog dahil sa sakit at bigat ng katawan. Ang pagod ay hindi ko rin maikakaila kahit pa galing ako sa pagkakatulog.

"Lew... are you okay? How are you feeling?" Lumapit agad si Mon sa akin pagkakitang gising na ako. Her eyes are swollen like she's been crying, ang pagod ay malinaw rin sa ekspresyon niya.

I blinked in confusion. "Where..."

"We're at the hospital..." Maingat niya akong tinignan na animo'y isa akong babasaging anumang oras ay maaaring mabasag. Hindi ko naintindihan para saan iyon.

"Why am I..." I trailed off upon remembering what happened after I went out of the bus. My heart instantly pounded with fear. And despite my strained breathing, I managed to ask, "How's my baby? Everything's all right, isn't it? She's safe, isn't she?"

Mon looked at me for a long time with a broken expression. Tears starts to brim on her puffy eyes despite putting up a composed front.

Kinutuban na ako kaagad sa ibig nitong sabihin, but I don't even want to consider nor acknowledge it.

"Mon... how is she?" Nanginig na ang boses ko nang mag-umpisang humikbi si Mon at tuluyang mabasag ang kalmante niyang bikas. "Mon, no... No, no, no! My baby!"

Ang pisikal na pagod at kirot na nadarama ko ay walang sinabi sa sakit nang paulit-ulit na pagkakadurog ng puso ko. Ilang beses akong umiling at sumigaw habang umiiyak sa kabila ng panghihina.

This must be a bad dream! It can't be true! This can't be happening!

"Lew..." Mon hugged me while crying and tried to calm me down.

But how can I possibly calm down knowing that my baby, Raf and I's little pumpkin... is gone?

Patuloy ako sa humahangos na pag-iyak at pagsigaw habang inaalu ni Monica. Mariing nakakuyom ang magkabila kong kamaong nanginginig. Ilang beses kong ipinilig nang paulit-ulit ang ulo dahil sa hindi paniniwala.

Raf will be home in two days and by then, the doctor said that we'll be able to know our baby's gender. Babalik pa kami upang ibalita iyon kina Mommy, in a hope that she'll forgive us! I still need to talk to Dad about it! Raf and I are just starting to set sail on this new journey!

So why?

Why does it have to be like this?

Why did she have to leave us this soon?

I couldn't even hold her in my arms. God, I couldn't even get to see her, what she looked like, what she's like, what mannerisms she got from her father, what could be her favourite food... is she going to be like me or will she took after Rafiele?

So soon... my little pumpkin was gone too soon.

"My baby..."

And loss... no matter how many times you taste it, still has the same bitter tang.