He said we needed some growing up to do. And knowing myself, I would definitely do otherwise just to prove a point or just to have it my way. But I think there's something wrong with me. Dahil wala akong ganang gawin ang kahit na ano. I was moping around for a couple of months and didn't even try to get better or to grow like what Rafiele said. Hindi ko alam kung paano at saan sisimulan ang kahit ano. Lalo na sa tuwing naiisip ko kung para saan pa ang mga pangarap ko kung ang dahilan nito'y wala na?

Ni hindi ako naging interesado sa kahit na sino para lang ipamukha sa kaniyang kaya ko kahit wala siya, o na madali ko siyang mapapalitan—katulad ng mga naging boyfriend ko noon. Dahil sino bang niloloko ko rito?

This is so pathetic. I never thought I am capable to be such a wretched.

"Hey, Mom." Iniwan ko ang hawak na hand-out sa coffee table para tumayo at lumapit patungo sa salaming bintana.

"Lewy, are you okay? Ang tamlay ng boses mo... Something happened?" ani Mommy sa nag-aalalang boses mula sa kabilang linya.

I rubbed my free hand on my arm as I stared at the busy street from outside the window. "I'm okay... medyo stress lang po sa school." I didn't even try to sound tired because I am.

"You should take a break from time to time." She chuckled for a brief pause before saying, "Nami-miss mo lang yata si Rafiele? It's only a couple of months left until his return, 'di ba?"

Pagkasinghap nang marahan ay mariin akong napapikit sa narinig. Then with a shaky voice, I managed to utter a reply. "Y-Yeah. I wanna see him so bad... s-sana bumalik na siya..."

Ang pagkakabasag ng boses ko'y mukhang mas lalong nagpakumbinsi kay Mommy.

"Oh, Lewy. I'm sure he misses you too."

With a reflection of my straight face expression on the glass window, I wiped a fallen tear on my cheek. Ilang sandali pa akong nanatiling tahimik matapos, para lang pakalmahin ang pagsisimulang paninikip ng dibdib. It's been months since we broke up but the pain's still here. Lingering. Refusing to go away.

"Mom... Raf and I... actually... broke up."

Singhap ni Mommy ang narinig ko sa kabila ng panandaliang katahimikan niya.

With a bile forming in my throat, I tried gasping for air only to end up tearing up so hard. I can hear mom's voice shaking on the other line as she tried to console me. She never asked why we broke up though. And I couldn't be more relieved that she didn't, because I don't think I can say it without breaking down over and over again.

"Lew, gusto mong sumama sa 'min ni Jeremy later? May party tonight for the last day of their college anniv." Tinanong ako nito ni Mon isang araw ng nag-skip ako ng class, para lang tapusin ang last season ng pinagdidiskitahan kong series.

"Ayos lang ako rito, Mon. Enjoy na lang kayo ni Jere." I was slouching on the couch with packs of snacks surrounding me.

Pumamaywang si Mon sa harap ng TV bigla. Ni hindi ko napansin ang paglapit ng lukaret dahil sa pagiging abala ko sa panonood.

"Heey! Ang ganda na nung part! Mon naman eh!" daing ko matapos dali-daling hinagilap ang remote para i-pause ang pinanonood.

Sarkastiko lamang akong tinapunan ng tingin ng kaibigan. "Lew, mukha ka nang dugyot! 'Wag mo ngang sayangin ang ganda mo! Ang daming tiis ganda tapos ikaw ganito?"

Iritable akong nagkibit-balikat. "Is that it? Can I watch now?"

Mon heaved out a defeated sigh. Napalitan ng awang may halong pag-aalala ang ekspresyon niya ng lapitan ako. She sits beside me on the couch, matapos itabi ang ilang empty pack ng snacks na naroon. Seryoso niya akong tinapunan ng tingin matapos.

"Listen. It's already been months since you two broke up. And I know that Rafiele is a great guy but he can't be your world, Lew. Walang mali kung mabubuhay ka para sa kaniya pero mali kung mabubuhay ka para lang sa kaniya. Because people, no matter how significant they are to us, meant to always leave."

Did I make Rafiele my world?

That's when I started to see it—to see through it. I started to understand why he'd decided to end things between us. It's not just because he caught me kissing another guy—I think that's the last straw. But what caused the whole thing is this: Masyado kaming nakadepende sa isa't isa na hindi nga namin kinulong ang bawat isa, ngunit mga sarili naman namin ang nakulong sa relasyong mayroon kami. At sa maliit na awang na iyon nagsimulang pumasok ang mga pagdududa.

But being in a relationship doesn't mean being whole because of the other. Because a healthy relationship consists of two whole individual that inspire each other to be more—to be better. And I think, somehow we both failed at that. I've been selfish and narrow minded to the point that my commitment wavers. While he's starting to think too much of the future that he forgets that now is more important, because the future consists of the build-up of the now.

Like he said, maybe to spend some time separately for growth and settle some things with ourselves, is what really needed to be done.

Ang sumunod na tatlo pang buwan ay ginugol ko sa pag-aaral, upang makabawi para sa lumipas na naunang mga buwan. Kung may sobra man akong oras ay sinusubukan kong mag-tutor ng mga high school students, bilang paghahanda na rin para sa practice teaching namin. I still hang out with my block mates from time to time though. Hindi rin maiiwasan iyon dahil sila palagi ang kasama ko.

At ang buong akala ko'y kilalang-kilala ko na ang sarili ko. Pero mali iyon. Dahil sa nakalipas na mga taon ay tanging sarili kong kasama si Rafiele lamang ang lubos kong kilala. And every time we meet someone or do things we don't usually do, we get to know new sides of ourselves too.

"Ako na 'yan."

Mula sa paghihirap kong magbuhat ay nalingon ko ang seryosong boses ng nagsalita. Eksaktong pagkakita ko rito ay siya ring kuha nito sa mga dala ko.

"Jake... uh, thanks." Anong ginagawa mo rito?—gusto ko sanang itanong ngunit hindi ko na ginawa.

"You heading home? Hatid na kita, mahirap mag-commute ng may dalang ganito," his voice is flat at ni hindi siya nakatingin sa akin ng sinabi ito.

"Sure," tipid kong sagot dahil sa kawalan ng masabi.

His expression remained serious as he took a glance on me before leading the way to his car. Naroon na kami sa loob at paalis na ng parking ng muli siyang magsalita.

"I didn't know until now that you like succulents," maingat niyang pansin sa mga dala ko.

"Caring for some things helped," amin ko. Bahagya akong ngumisi pagkasulyap sa kaniya para lang obserbahan ang ekspresyon niya.

He nodded, still not looking at me. "Your short hair looks good on you by the way."

Nagtagal ang tingin ko sa kaniya. "Thanks. I'm liking its lightness too."

He kept looking ahead without even throwing me a single look. The sight of his indifference is saddening and heart breaking enough that I can't take it in any longer.

"Are you mad?"

"I'm sorry."

Sabay namin iyong nasabi. And at the same moment, the car halt to a stop all of a sudden as he hit the break without even giving a hint or warning!

"Dude! What the hell?!" Ang puso ko'y halos lumundag sa gulat. Dahil kung wala akong suot na seatbelt ay malamang nauntog na ako sa dashboard.

Bumaling si Jake sa akin. Ang gulat ay hindi maipinta sa mukha niya at hindi ako makapaniwalang siya pa talaga ang may ganang magulat sa ginawa.

"Bakit ako magagalit? Aren't you the one who's supposed to be mad right now?" lito niya itong naibulalas.

Sandali pa muna akong tumunghay sa kaniya ng walang emosyon, hanggang sa ma-realize kong ganoon siyang nagulat sa tanong ko!

We never talked about what happened on his birthday and stay casual with each other like nothing happened. And with casual, I mean like this—awkward talking and wary gestures. We both know that that isn't right, that something's changed between us. Though none of us had the guts to bring it up.

Marahil dahil nakuha na niya ang sagot ko ng gabing iyon ng sinundan ko si Raf at iniwan ko siya. O dahil pakiramdam ko'y wala kaming ipagpapatuloy dahil wala naman kaming nasimulan. I like Jake but with Rafiele gone, I started to realize how I'm missing some part of myself that I've been trying to look for in him, which I thought I find but actually didn't.

A smile slowly crept on my lips as I look at his confused expression, and after months I can finally look at him straight in the eyes without feeling a hint of awkwardness. "Jake, you idiot."

He was about to say something but his words caught at the end of his tongue as to why his lips stays parted. Ang ngiti ay unti-unti nang sumisilip doon. And somehow, something's telling me that the bond we used to share is still there and it sure will always be.

"I missed you, Jakey," I said it in the most sincere way I could as the corner of my lips stretched for a huge smile. "And I'm sorry too... for not giving you a proper answer."

Pumikit siya sandali habang sapo ang noo. At sa nahihirapang tinig ay muli siyang nagsalita. "Gago 'wag ganyan, marupok ako."

Pinandilatan ko siya ngunit kalaunan ay hindi ko na napigilan ang matawa.

I'm used to people caring for me—magmula pa lang sa mga magulang ko, kaibigan at sa ilang nakarelasyon. Giving isn't something I'm used to while growing up. But with Rafiele, parang ang dali-dali lang magbigay. Parang wala akong kayang ipagdamot pagdating sa kaniya. At dahan-dahan ko nang natututunan ngayon kung paanong magbigay hindi lang sa kaniya kundi pati na sa iba. He first thought me how to be selfless so now I'm giving him back the favour, by sharing a part of myself with some people too.

"Tawang-tawa ah?" nakangising aniya makalipas ang ilang sandali at may ilang tawa pa ring kumakawala sa akin.

"You should have seen your face!" Pasuklay kong hinawi ang buhok sa kabilang banda at nakangising binalingan siya. "Ano, dito na lang tayo? Gusto mong ma-tow 'tong sasakyan mo?"

"You gave me one though," sabi niyang bigla.

"What?" Bahagyang kumunot ang noo ko.

"You gave me your answer that night and the days that followed after that... when you left me to go after him. And when you couldn't look in my eyes the same way again." He smiled while slightly looking down at the steering wheel in front of him.

"At tingin ko, kuntento na ako sa kung ano lang ang para sa akin. But don't get me wrong because you'll always gonna be my dream girl... the girl I could never have." And from a serious expression, he suddenly jerked in a cringe at his own words. "Tangina, that sounds like a friggin' cheesy song!" Pinandilatan pa ako. "Why did you let me say that?!"

Sabay kaming natawa sa sinabi niya at sa wakas, paglipas ng ilang buwan, I can feel the invisible wall between us completely disappear.

"Uuwi ka ba ngayong summer, Lewy? Where do you want to travel? Your dad and I are thinking Europe this time for a change," ani Mommy isang gabi habang nagre-review ako para sa finals.

"Mom, mag-stay na lang tayo sa bahay. I miss our hometown—gusto ko lang doon buong bakasyon. I'll invite my block mates if it's okay."

I heard her gasp on the other line at sandali pang natahimik. Ch-in-eck ko ang linya kung active pa iyon nang medyo humaba ang katahimikan.

"Mommy?"

"Are you sure, Lewy?"

Bahagya pa akong natawa sa hesitation na nadinig sa boses niya. "Yes, Mom."

"H-How about Rafiele? His sea going is over too, 'di ba? Is he going with you?"

Ako naman ngayon ang sandaling natahimik. Knowing how they liked Rafiele for me, hindi na nakapagtatakang bukambibig pa rin siya ni Mommy hanggang ngayon. Marahil katulad ko, hindi pa rin sila nawawalan ng pag-asang magkakabalikan kami.

"He's not going, Mom. We didn't keep in touch..." I said in all honesty and with a hint of bitterness.

"Oh..." Dinig ang pagkadismaya sa boses niya ngunit binalewala ko iyon.

"Sige na, Mom, nagre-review po ako para sa finals. I'll call you when we're coming. Pahinga ka na rin, Mommy, late na. I love you!"

"Okay, Lewy. Take care of yourself, don't stay up all night reviewing ha! I love you too."

"Yes, Mom. Good night." Ngumiti ako bago ibinaba ang tawag.

Isang linggo pagkatapos ng sem at official end ng school year ay umuwi ako sa amin kasama ang ilang ka-block mate ko. There were five of them. Si Mon ay may ibang plano kasama si Jeremy kaya't hindi sumabay sa pag-uwi ko.

Mom made a feast. Napuno ng kwentuhan at tawanan ang hapag. And though Mom's sceptic, she looks really pleased to have my block mates with us. Tuwang-tuwa rin siya sa biruan ng mga ito.

"You okay, Lewy?" tinanong ako nito ni Mommy ng sandali kaming mapag-isa.

My block mates are dressing up for our trip. Kaya't naiwan ako sa sala para planuhin ang itinerary namin para sa araw na iyon.

"Of course, Mom." Ngumiti ako kahit bahagya pang natitigilan. At nang makitang mukhang hindi pa siya kumbinsido o lubusang naniniwala sa sinabi ko'y dinugtungan ko iyon. "It's been almost half a year now, okay na ako, I promise. At kung makikita ko man siya ngayon..." I shrugged to prove a point.

"What would you do?" Pinanliitan ako ng mata ni Mommy habang masuspetsang hinihintay ang sagot ko. Dahan-dahan siyang naupo sa couch sa tabi ko matapos.

"Edi kukumustahin ko!" I laughed.

Hindi nagbago ang suspetsa at doubt sa ekspresyon ni Mommy kaya't napangiwi na ako.

"Mom! Trust me, I'm cool with it." Pabiro akong umirap.

"Okay! Okay..." suko niya bago marahang natawa. "I didn't raise a liar, Lewy. Make sure you're telling the truth!"

Napailing na lang ako bago muling nagbalik ng tingin sa hawak na phone, para sa pag-organize ng mga lugar na pupuntahan namin.

I toured them mostly on the restaurants with our hometown's signature dishes. Iyon kasi talaga ang una nilang gustong i-try. We shopped too but mostly eat so we're all stuffed and tired from walking around when we got home.

Hinayaan kami nina Mom at Dad sa play room para doon uminom, maglaro at mag-movie marathon. We had a very long and fun night. A first in my last dark months. Lahat ng stress ko mula sa final exams ay natanggal dahil doon. I feel like a new born! I'm so refreshed!

Hindi ko na alam anong oras kami nakatulog dahil inabot na kami ng madaling araw sa paglalaro ng drinking cards game. Naalimpungatan na lang ako nang bahagyang masilaw dahil sa liwanag ng ilaw o ano. At sa kung anong ikina-fresh ng pakiramdam ko kahapon ay siya ring ikinasama ng ngayon. I seriously feel like a mess. My head aches so bad at bumabagsak pa ang mga talukap ng mata ko sa antok.

Ngunit nang makita kong nasa couch ako nakahiga ay dahan-dahan kong pinilit bumangon upang magtungo sana sa kwarto. I was half asleep and feeling like a zombie as I muster all my will to get up. I didn't even make an effort to feign what's good in the morning.

Ngunit isang baling ang nagpahinto panandalian ng mundo ko.

My brows furrowed as I tried to focus my slightly blurry sight on someone who's sitting still on the single couch across from mine.

"Ra...fiele?"

Nang unti-unting luminaw ang paningin ko'y ngiti niya kaagad ang bumungad sa akin.

"Good morning, Lewis," he said. I heard him. I'm seeing him. He's smiling at me.

He's... here? He's here! Fuck!

"Rafiele!" Napatalon ako patayo sa gulat ngunit bago pa man tuluyang makabalanse, nadulas ako ng kung anong naroon sa sahig at mabilis nasadlak.

"Shit!" daing ko agad hindi lang dahil sa sakit ng tuhod na sinapit kundi dahil sa kahihiyang kinahaharap.

"Okay ka lang? You asleep yet?"

Bumaling ako sa kaniya mula sa pagkakasadlak ko. He was sitting still and the mischievous grin on his face somehow told me that he's changed. Well, I didn't see him for more than six months at tulad ko, hindi malabong may magbabago sa kaniya. Whether it's his clean cut, broader shoulders, firm arms or the way he looks at me.

He cleared his throat before speaking in his baritone. "Do you need help getting up?"

Ramdam ko agad ang init sa pisngi dahil sa pagpuna niya nito, at nang matanto kong para pala akong gaga sa pagtulala sa kaniya habang nakahandusay sa sahig. Pero sandali...

"No, I can, I'm fine." Bahagyang tumaas ang kilay ko bago nilibot ang paningin sa paligid. And to my surprise, we were on the fucking living room!

Anong ginagawa ko rito? How did I end up here? Huling natatandaan ko'y naroon ako sa play room ah?

Nasapo ko ng wala sa oras ang noo nang maalala ang laro namin kagabi. Nicole dared me to go get something naughty at nag-pass out ako rito sa sala dahil sa kagagahan!

Oh my, God, hindi na talaga ako iinom!

"Kumusta ka na?" Rafiele asked in between my silent regretting. "You... cut your hair."

Bumaling akong muli sa kaniya at bahagyang sinuklay ang bed hair gamit ang mga daliri. His eyes never leaving me. Pinagtaasan ko siya ng kilay kahit hindi ko makuhang ibalandra ang pagsusuplada ko sa kaniya. Not now that he looked so fresh while I look like a mess! Ngunit dahil magaling akong magpanggap at magtago ng nararamdaman ay ginawa ko pa rin.

Binewala ko ang mga tanong at kumento niya.

"What are you doing here?" walang emosyon ko itong tinanong kahit nag-uumpisa nang lumundag ang puso ko sa mga posibilidad na naiisip.

"About that." Bahagya siyang ngumuso bago ako matamang pinagmasdan. "Your mom asked me to come. Since may sinadya akong kakilala rito, dumaan na rin ako."

Mom invited him? Makes sense. Pero... may sinadya siya?

I blinked a few times. "Sinong sinadya mo?"

Matagal siyang tumitig sa akin at halos magwala na ang puso ko sa kakalundag. Then for a brief second, I thought I saw him smile like the old days. That innocent and gentle smile I've fallen to.