Then the day that he had to leave came. He left early in the morning at napagkasunduan naming 'wag nang magkita. Nagising na lang ako ng may mga text mula sa kaniya. And even though I'm trying to be supportive of his dreams, I still can't lie to myself how dejected I'm feeling about all this.

RaFiend:

Good morning. We've just on boarded on the ship

Don't forget to eat your breakfast before you start your day :)

Text me when you got bored haha I miss you already

You:

Will do

Don't forget to eat too. And please don't strain yourself... work moderately, wag bayani! Di ka magkaka-statue dyan

I miss you too already :(

RaFiend:

Yes, ma'am hahaha

I ain't dead yet please don't cry

You:

I'm not crying!!

But I actually am. Ayaw ko lang na mag-isip pa siya. I don't want him to think that I'm acting like a child. I can endure being away from him. I need to be mature enough to do so.

RaFiend:

I'll come home to you, Lew. Please wait for me :)

You:

Duh. Of course I will. But please make it soon... :(

The first sem for my sophomore year starts. Inabala ko ang sarili sa school works. Madalas din akong sumama kung saan sa tuwing nag-aaya ang mga block mates ko after ng mga klase namin—even on weekends. Whether it'll be at random restaurants, coffee shops, clubs, events, anything. Though some of it are for group projects, most are just for fun. At sa disposisyon ko ngayo'y kahit anong kasiyahan at pagkakaabalahan ay papatulan ko para lang mailigaw ang mga iniisip at nararamdaman.

Alam ko, lumaki akong nakukuha at nagagawa ang lahat ng gusto ko. And I don't think I'm fond of feeling sulky right now about things not going my way.

Raf's a person with dreams and ambition at alam kong hindi ko siya maaaring ikulong sa mga palad ko. Hindi ko siya pwedeng angkinin gaano ko man siya kamahal. So this is how I cope with the situation, and I don't need anyone to tell me how wrong it may seem, or to do it in some other noble way.

Jakey boy:

Batangas this weekend on Raul's resthouse. You in?

You:

Sure

Jakey boy:

Dali talagang ayain nito hahaha

Wala bang magagalit?

You:

My life, my decisions haha

Who else are coming?

Jakey boy:

That's my girl hahaha

Tayo lang dalawa

You:

Not your girl

Hanap ka iba bye hahaha

Pag tayo lang i-indianin kita! Who else?! Sagot!

Jakey boy:

Ouch hahahaha ayaw man lang makisakay :(

Chill your horses, Lewis! Hahaha

Denise and the rest of the girls will come

I typed in a text to inform Raf about it.

You:

Heeey I'll be at batangas this weekend. Raul's resthouse with some of my block mates

How you doin? Please remember to rest :)

Ilang minuto ang lumipas at wala pa rin siyang reply kaya't tinantanan ko na ang pagsulyap-sulyap sa phone. Guess he's busy. Of course he is. Naiintindihan ko iyon. Pero hindi ko pa rin maiwasang isipin kung ano ang ginagawa niya at kung ganoon na lang ba siya ka-busy na hindi niya ako magawang reply-an. Nakatulog na ako't nagising kinabukasan ay 'tsaka lang siya naka-reply.

RaFiend:

I'm sorry, ngayon ko lang na-receive messages mo. Walang signal sa gitna ng dagat. Malapit na kami sa pier para magbaba ng ilang passengers kaya ngayon lang nagkaroon ulit

Enjoy your trip. I'll call whenever I can

I miss you, Lew

You:

I understand. Basta wag kang mag-skip ng meals mo. And beware of your passengers especially girls! Wag kang ngingiti sa kanila!

Baka may makalbo ako!

RaFiend:

Hahahaha you're being cute again. Damn

I wish I could kiss you right now...

You:

Rafiele you fiend

Come home quick, I'm missing you so much

We were like that for three months. Madalas umaabot ng dalawa o tatlong araw bago siya nakaka-text o nakakatawag sa akin dahil sa kawalan ng signal.

5:26 pm

RaFiend:

You busy?

Hope everything's alright

Anyway, took your advice 'bout not smiling around girls. Sabi tuloy ng mga kasama ko rito suplado raw ako

Ang dami tuloy lumalapit saking babae. Gwapo at suplado raw kasi ang mga type nila :(

6:32 pm

You:

I'm sorry I didn't catch your call. Ang ingay kasi nila Denise kanina hindi ko narinig phone ko

At anong ginagawa mo pag may lumalapit?

Umiinit ulo ko sa ganyan, Raf ayusin mo

I haven't got any reply from him for two days. I'm getting used to it pero may mga pagkakataon lang talagang pakiramdam ko nangungulila ako sa kaniya nang sobra-sobra.

Jakey boy:

Rau's wailing like a fucking baby. Lasing na si gago

How's Denise doing?

You:

She's bawling her eyes out too

Bat ba naghiwalay? What happened? Denise won't talk about it

Jakey boy:

The bastard won't talk about it too pero may hinala ako.

You:

At ano naman 'yon?

Jakey boy:

Looks like someone's curious hahaha

You:

Sabihin mo na lang ano wag ka nang maraming comment

Jakey boy:

Hahahaha if your patience will manifest it'll take a form of an atom

I scoffed before typing a reply.

You:

Daming sinabi hahaha

Jakey boy:

I bet you smiled at that. Be honest!

You:

Sasabihin mo ba o hindi? The atom's deteriorating by the moment

Jakey boy:

Damn girl hahaha bakit pag ganyan ang dali mong sumakay? hahaha

I think there's a third party involved. Not sure which side though

I thought about Rafiele and I's relationship. We've been dating for more than three years now. We're fine pero sa set-up namin ngayon, hindi ko maiwasang isipin ang posibilidad ng pagkakaroon ng third party. I trust Raf but not the people around him. Lalo na kung katulad noong classmate niyang Cloy ang makakasama niya! Naiisip ko pa lang parang gusto ko na agad manabunot.

It's starting to make me feel uneasy that I tried telling him about it one time. And I can't believe he replied after a week! He said they had a delay and took more than a week to dock and to finally get a signal. I want to understand like always pero ang hirap na hindi makaramdam ng tampo at inis. The feeling of missing him and feeling helpless about our situation is both irritating and tiring at the same time. At sa huli ay wala naman akong ibang magawa kundi ang maiyak na lang at magmukmok na parang bata.

RaFiend:

What you up to? The ship's on dock

You:

There's a party later for a block mate's birthday

RaFiend:

Okay. Kung iinom ka, kumain ka muna

Sinong block mate mo ang may birthday?

You:

I know. I'm not dumb

Isa pa, birthday 'yon Raf. There's a buffet so syempre kakain talaga

Jake's

Sa mga nakalipas na buwan ay puro tungkol sa mga lakad namin ng mga block mates ko ang kwento ko sa kaniya. Kaya't hindi maiiwasang karamihan dito'y kilala na niya. I didn't intend to talk about them so much but he never stop me too so I think it's fine. I asked him about his day too and he always says the same thing. So I ended up telling him more about my escapades. Gusto ko mang sabihing sana'y siya ang kasama kong gawin ang mga bagay na iyon ay hindi ko magawa dahil malulungkot lang ako. At wala naman kaming magagawa roon. The time won't pass quickly just because I want it to.

RaFiend:

You mad?

Sandali akong natigilan at napatitig sa screen ng phone dahil sa reply niya. Am I mad?

Nabalikan ko ng wala sa oras ang mga naunang text at mariing napapikit ng ilang sandali. Hindi pa ako nakakapagtipa ng reply ay may text na agad siya.

RaFiend:

I miss you

Text me whenever you're done with the party, tatawag ako kung pwede

Actually, can I call right now? Busy ka ba? I'll ask for a few minutes break

I bit my lip as stupid tears started to swell up on the side of my eyes. Sumulyap ako sa prof na nagsasalita sa harap ng room bago nagbalik ng tingin sa phone na hawak at naroon sa ilalim ng desk.

You:

May klase ako

I'm not mad. I just miss you too...

I hope you're here—tinipa ko ito ngunit binura ko rin agad. Ibinalik ko ang phone sa bag at nakinig na lamang ng lecture, trying to distract myself from the woe I'm feeling.

"Going out again?" si Mon, nasa couch at may kandong na laptop. There are papers around her and a cup of coffee on the mini table.

"Yup. Wanna come?"

Sarkastiko niya akong tinapunan ng tingin pagkatapos sulyapan ang mga paraphernalia niya roon.

I chuckled at mapanuyang sinabing, "Enjoy the night, my friend!"

"Don't stay up too late! 'Wag kang magpakapariwara!" pahabol na sigaw niya ng naroon na ako sa main door.

Napailing na lang ako sa sinabi ng kaibigan bago tuluyang umalis.

I'm wearing an off shoulder mini black dress paired with a black wedge boots. My long straight hair are now down with big curls. I like its volume lalo na tuwing sinusuklay ko ito ng mga daliri.

Binati agad ako ng mga ka-block mate ng makarating ako sa resto. The after party would be on Jake's cousin's club.

"Hi, Lew! I like your dress! Bagay sa 'yo." Nicole giggled.

"Thanks." I gave out a half smile. "Kanina pa kayo?"

Magsasalita pa lamang sana si Nicole ng biglang sumulpot si Denise at maagaw ang atensyon naming dalawa. "Girl! Akala ko iindianin mo si birthday boy eh. Kanina pa atat 'yon sa 'yo!" bulong nito pagkahilang bahagya sa braso ko papasok ng resto.

"They were just talking about the score between you two." Ngumiwi si Nicole.

Pabiro akong umirap sa dalawa habang pinapasadahan ng tingin ang kabuuan ng resto. May ilang pamilyar na mukha mula sa university namin ang ilang naroon. "There's no score."

Denise made a strange grunt.

"Gwapo ang manok ko pero hindi ko pa nakikita ang boyfriend mo. Sino bang mas gwapo sa dalawa, Lew?" gatong naman ng lumapit sa aming si Lucile.

Para na kaming mga chismosa sa pagkukumpulan namin dito.

Sinuklay ko ng daliri ang buhok at buong pagmamalaking ngumisi. "You can see for yourself when Raf came back." Ngunit agad ding naglaho ang ngisi ko ng maalala ko na naman ito. I cleared my throat and tried to ignore the unpleasant feeling.

Maybe I can use some drink tonight.

"Gwapo na lang ba talaga ang hanap n'yong mga babae? Tsk, tsk, paano na kaming mga faithful n'yan?" Ngumisi ang napadaang si Raul, may hawak pang pinggan na puno ng pagkain mula sa buffet.

"Luh naggi-girls talk kami, Raul, ha. Hindi shit talk!" Sabay-sabay kaming nagtawanan dahil sa banat ni Denise.

Si Raul naman ay mabilis na sinubo ang hawak na kutsara at pamatay ang tinging nag-middle finger sa huli. Walang emosyon namang gumanti si Denise rito. Hanggang sa halos magrambulan na ang dalawa.

"Guys, stop flirting," Lucile deadpanned.

"We're not!" sabay at defensive na apila ni Denise at Raul. Nagkatinginan pa ang dalawa at kapwa napangiwi sa isa't isa bago tuluyang natahimik.

Lucile shrugged. "What's with the hang-ups kung hindi n'yo na mahal ang isa't isa?"

"Okay, Cil, you can shut up now," angil ni Denise rito.

"Chill lang kayo, guys." Nicole smiled hesitantly with the growing tension.

"Back to business." Bahagya pang kumunot ang noo ko ng may sinenyas sa akin si Lucile mula sa likod ko.

"Lewis!" Maligayang naglahad ng mga braso si Jake pagkalingon ko. Hindi naman siya mukhang nakainom, but he looked overjoyed for some reason.

Agad naman akong ngumiti at bahagya tinanggap ang yakap niya. "Happy birthday, Jakey!"

"Damn, look at you in that dress. You're slaying it!" Pilyo siyang ngumisi pagkatapos akong pasadahan ng tingin.

"I know. Thanks for reminding me though," taas noo kong ngisi.

Mas lalo siyang napangisi sa tinuran ko at buong pagmamalaking dineklarang, "That's my girl."

"She's not your girl, JK! May boyfriend na 'yan!" tudyo ni Raul na siyang sinundan pa ng ilang kantyaw ng iba pang block mates naming naroon.

Ipinagkibit-balikat lamang ito ni Jake bago ako inaya sa buffet at sabayan sa pagkuha ng pagkain. Lumingon ako kina Lucile para sana ayain din sila, ngunit wala nang sinoman ang naroon sa kaninang kinatatayuan nila.

Okay.

"Why did you take up education?" tanong ko ng nasa lamesa na kami ni Jake kasama ang ilan naming block mates. The others are busy with their own business. Ang iba naman ay abala pa sa pagkain. At dahil si Jake ang pinakamalapit sa akin ay siya na lang ang kinausap ko.

"May business ang parents mo 'di ba? So why didn't you take up Business Ad instead?"

Sandali pa muna siyang nag-isip bago bumaling sa akin at nagsalita. "How should I say it... uh, maybe because they are what they are and I am what I am? Na hindi nakadepende ang pagkatao ko sa kung ano sila o sa kung anong gusto nilang maging ako. In short, I am my own person and I get to decide what I want to be."

I can't help but look at him with awe. Knowing him for more than a year, Jake always did things his way. At sa lahat ng pagkakataon ay nakikita kong masaya siya sa ginagawa. He's free and he stands up for what he wants without trampling other's feelings or life. He isn't the typical rebel that does everything for naught or just because he wanted to. He does things because he believed that those things are what makes him what he is.

I nodded and smiled. "I get it."

"Why did you ask now after all this time? You having second thoughts? May balak kang mag-shift 'no?" Tumigil siyang sandali sa pagkain para lang hintayin ang sagot ko.

"No way."

He shrugged bago nagbalik sa pagkain. "It's your time to give an answer. Why education?"

Kumurap ako ng ilang beses habang pinaglalaruan ang laman ng plato. "Same reason?"

"What? Walang kopyahan ng sagot uy!" he hissed, a smile slowly creeping on the side of his lips.

Pinagtaasan ko siya ng kilay. "I'll tell you but don't laugh, okay?"

Mabilis siyang sumeryoso at umiling. He looked closely at me as he waited for what I am about to say.

I was hesitant but still managed to say it. "I like kids." Namula pa ako pagkaamin niyon, realizing that he's the first person I get to tell it to.

But truth be told, I don't exactly like them before but knowing that Raf likes babies, I started to get fond of them as well too. Nakakatawa mang pakinggan ngunit iyon ang totoo.

"Okay." He nodded.

Pinagmasdan ko siyang mabuti at inabangan kung tatawanan niya ako. Ngunit nanatiling seryoso ang ekspresyon niya at mukhang tini-take seriously niya ang sinabi ko.

"You're not gonna laugh?" masuspetsa ko pa ring tanong para lang makasigurado.

"Why?" Bahagyang kumunot ang noo niya. "Unless you like kids like a paedophile then that's—"

"Oh shut up!" Tumawa ako.

He grinned. "There's nothing wrong with that, Lewis. As long as iyon ang gusto mo, walang kahit sinong tao ang may karapatang maliitin ka't pagtawanan, okay? Isa pa, it's your dream, it's yours. Claim it, 'wag mong ikahiya."

I smiled at him approvingly. "Thank you, Jakey. You're a good friend."

Sinapo niyang bigla ang dibdib at pinisil, tila nasaktan sa kung ano. "Ugh! Ang simple mong mang-friendzone!"

"You idiot. We're always gonna be friends!" natatawa kong angil.

"Aray ko naman, Lew, ang sakit naman no'n!" He clutched his chest more as if he's really hurt. He's laughing though. Kaya natuluyan na lang rin ako sa pagtawa.

All my block mates went to the club. May iba rin kaming ka-college at schoolmates na naroon. They're all Jake's friends. Nagugulat pa ako 'pag binabati ako ng iba at malalaman kong kilala nila ako. Ang akala pa ng iba'y girlfriend ako ni Jake dahil sa dalas naming magkasama. Mabilis ko namang kinaklarong hindi kami ganoon at may boyfriend na ako. At sa dami ng nagsabing bagay raw kami ni Jake, at sigurado silang maghihiwalay kami ng boyfriend ko'y parang gusto kong magalit. Ngunit imbes na gumawa ng kumosyon ay mas pinili kong uminom na lang nang uminom.

Being far away from Rafiele is hard enough. At ang pagtutudyo ng mga tao ay hindi nakatutulong!

"Woah, Lewis, hinay-hinay hindi ka mauubusan ng alak!" Humalakhak si Jake ng maabutan akong b-in-ottoms up ang vodka sa sariling baso. He then settled on the seat beside me. "You okay? You look pissed! Sinong may kasalanan niyan?"

"Rafiele..." No. It's not his fault. It's the circumstances.

"Lew, you okay?" tipsy nang tanong sa akin ni Denise.

Tumango ako rito at muling ininom ang isa pang shot glass ng vodka.

"Hey take it slow, girl!" Someone yanked her away. Hindi ko na nakita kung sino dahil sa madilim na parte sila dumaan.

"She's right. Mataas nang tolerance mo ngayon kumpara dati, I can see that. But with your phasing, I don't think you can go home without the need to crawl." He grinned. "Alam ba ng boyfriend mo kung bakit ka naiinis d'yan?"

Mapait akong ngumisi at hindi na napag-isipan pa ang nasabi. "To hell with that. Ni wala nga siya rito."

Narinig ko ang tawa ni Jake sa kabila ng maingay na trance music. "Miss mo na? Sobra? 'Yung parang hindi ka na makahinga... na hindi mo na kaya?"

Napabaling ako sa kaniya dahil sa sinabi. Ang magkabila niyang siko ay nakapatong sa magkahiwalay na mga hita. Magkasalikop ang mga palad niya at ang ulo'y nakabaling sa akin. Half smiling, his playful eyes are fixed on me. Hindi ako sigurado kung dahil lang ba sa mga neon lights o talagang may kung anong kumikinang sa mga mata niya sa kabila ng kadiliman.

I've dated boys before but Rafiele was the first guy I've ever fallen to. At hindi ko makita ang sarili kong gugustuhin ang iba bukod sa kaniya. My future consists only of him. Ngunit ngayong nangungulila ako sa kaniya at mayroong taong narito sa tabi ko'y hindi ko mapigilan ang nag-uumapaw na damdamin.

Maybe it's because of the alcohol. Maybe it's because of my loneliness. Or maybe I'm liking it all along. Dahil kahit hindi ko aminin ay alam ko sa sariling masaya ako sa presensya ni Jake. Fuck the reasoning out about distracting myself with tagging along with my block mates to ignore my feelings about Raf's absence. And if I'm being honest, I was pissed off about those people's comments because it's almost true! That I can feel Raf and I drifting far apart from each other day by day.

"You know, if I was him, I won't be needing anymore dreams because I already have you," seryoso niya itong sinabi ng manatili kaming magkatitigan.

Ngunit makalipas lamang ang ilang segundo ay siya ang pumutol ng titigan naming iyon. He smirked as he gazed down on his palms before turning his eyes back at me.

"That's what a romantic would say, don't you think? But let's get real here. Having a dream for yourself and being with your dream girl are two different things. Kaya kung ako si Rafiele, hindi ako titigil sa pag-abot ng pangarap ko pero hindi rin ako papayag na mawala sa akin ang babaeng mahal ko sa proseso nito. I'll do anything no matter what it takes to keep both my dreams intact—as selfish as it sounds."

Nakatitig lamang ako sa kaniya buong sandali. My eyes are starting to feel heavy. And the line between what is right and what I'm feeling became blurry.

"Are you trying to say... that I'm your dream girl?" Mapanuyang ngisi ko pagkaturo sa sarili.

"Oh shit, did I?" Humalakhak siya at bahagyang nagtaas ng mga palad sa ere. "Busted!"

Umiling ako ngunit agad nagsisi ng nakaramdam ng hilo. Sasandal sana ako sa upuan ngunit sa balikat ni Jake ako nahantong.

"Okay ka lang?" tanong niya agad. "Sabi sa 'yo gapang ang aabutin mo eh. Maybe you should stop drinking and just rest here. Hahatid kita 'pag sober ka na. You can keep drinking though, kung ayaw mo nang magising bukas—your choice."

We stayed silent for a moment with my head resting on his shoulder. Hindi ko na alam anong naiisip ko ng sunod akong nagsalita habang pikit ang mga mata.

"If you were Rafiele... what would you do right now?" Mabagal akong nag-angat ng tingin sa kaniya matapos.

He was already watching me lean on his shoulder with serious eyes. Ang pilyong ngiti niya kanina'y tuluyan nang naglaho. The sight of him made me think of Raf even more.

I miss him so much that the thought of him aches.

Naramdaman ko ang mainit niyang palad na dumapo sa leeg ko. His jaws are tense and his breathing became strained. Sa namamaos na boses ay bumulong siya. "This."

Pumikit ako nang maramdaman ko ang paglapat ng labi niya sa akin. Rafiele dominated my mind as I kissed him back. And somehow, the pain from my chest eases a bit but it was short-lived.

"Lewis?"

Nang maidilat ang namumungay na mga mata ay halos hindi pa ako makapaniwala sa nakita. It's Jake. This isn't Raf! Then who...

Pagkabaling ay agad kong nadatnan ang bulto ng isang tao ilang hakbang ang layo mula sa inuupuan namin. Ang pagkakatigil at gulat nito'y siya ring replika ng akin.

"Rafiele? What are you... doing..."