dear sunshine,

my love, you were enough.

don't even, for a second, think that you weren't. you were the elissa zaeden; as cliche as it sounds, every boy wanted to date you, every girl wanted to be you.

i saw your tweet, which foster sent me. broke my fucking heart, elissa. broke. my. fucking. heart.

i never knew us breaking up would shatter you; your confidence and self-esteem. i did not see it coming. so, i think i'm gonna send you these letters. seven of them, i reckon? yeah, seven. i'm sending these to you right after i finish writing this one so i don't back out. i hope i don't overwhelm you. i just want to show you how much you mean to me. that you are enough.

you thought i always brushed you off. you thought i hardly wanted you around after five months of us dating, but you were so, so wrong. is it bad that i still want you around? it's been four fucking years; i should've moved on.

i'm not ashamed to admit (although, a little embarrassed) that your voice keeps on playing like a broken record player in my head. sometimes it's all i hear. sometimes, it's all i want to hear. when i'm having a bad day, and trust me, i have a lot of those, i just want to pick up the phone and dial your number. i've done it a couple of times, you know. my fingers absentmindedly type in your number from memory and before i know it, i'm about to press the green button. it glares at me, daring to press it. daring me to call you. i back out. always.

our first date, yeah?

i remember you forcing me to go out with you on the condition that if i didn't have fun, you would never bother me again. i did not want you to leave me alone, i wanted to press you against the wall and kiss you senseless. although on the outside, i could not show you that. i 'disliked' you, remember?

i agreed with faux relectuance, but on the inside, i was jumping; dancing. i had finally figured out my feelings for you after days of debating with myself and i understood that there was no point in denying them. repressing them would only make them ten times stronger. so, fuck it, i thought. i liked you, so i agreed to go on a date with you.

you beamed at me and told me that you would text me the address of the place we were supposed to meet and i furrowed my eyebrows in confusion as you turned to walk away.

"wait!" i called out to your retreating form.

"yeah?" you asked, looking me over the shoulder, your hair framing your face and tumbling down your back.

"i'll pick you up," i said with confidence, but my heart was beating so heavily against my chest that i felt my ribs would bruise.

the smile you gave me took away my breath. literally. i stopped breathing and i was pretty sure that my heart would burst out of my chest. i was surprised that you hadn't heard it. you nodded, almost shyly and walked to your next class, chloe in tow. i saw you between classes and smiled to myself as you winked at me. god, you were something.

a couple of days later, you told me our date was that evening. a little startled, i nodded my head, not trusting my voice to be steady. nerves built inside of me, trembling, dancing. i already knew where you lived, so i knew your address. all of our classmates had partied at you place a couple of times. you told me to pick you up at six and i nodded again, heat rising to my cheeks. i ducked my head and turned around, so you wouldn't see a scarlet blush on my cheeks.

scarlet. that's what you called me.

it made me embarrassed at first, but then it grew on me. well, it was your fault it blushed so much, after all, so i didn't mind much. at first i did not understand, because i did not fucking blush, but then you are you, so you could do anything and i would never question it.

when i got home, i played some video games to get my mind off you, because elissa, you were in my head 24/7. i consumed you, drinking you in, till i was no longer sober. i was drunk. on you.

when it was four thirty, i got into the shower and by the time i was done, it was five. now, came in the difficult part. my clothes. i just couldn't put on my thrift store clothes and call it a day. i had no idea where were we going so i just decided to wing it. i put on black trousers with a crisp white shirt-- an outfit always worked. i also put in a spare black tie in my car's glove box in case we were to go somewhere, well, beyond fancy, because i didn't expect anything less from you.

i drove to your place, one hand on the wheel, other in my mouth because i always chewed on my fingernails when i was nervous. bad habit, i know. i contemplated if i should text you that i was there or if i should go to your door.

taking a deep breath, i knocked on your door. your butler opened the door and welcomed me in, thanking for taking you home that night. i nodded in acknowledgement and just as i was about to reply, you came in.

"okay?" you asked, as your twirled around in your dress.

"beautiful," i said a little breathlessly, taking your hand and smiling at your butler as we exited.

as we descended downstairs, you complimented me on my shirt and i stuttered out a 'thanks'. you smiled at me in a way i had never seen you smile before. and it was for me. that smile was for me.

"what?" i asked, grinning slightly.

"you're very nervous," you said, but there was no hint of mockery.

"yes," i shrugged. there was no point in lying. i wanted to show you the real me. all of me.

"it's refreshing," you smiled and i raised an eyebrow in question.

"normally, all the guys i go on a date with do not care about me. they care about my money. or looks," she paused for a second and continued, "you know, my father once told me never to trust the boys who smooth talk to me on the first date, because if they really liked me, they should be a little nervous and that's the best advice anyone has ever given me till date," you smiled, gently bumping your hip with mine.

i remember bringing you out to the front and shaking in my shoes. you and i were so different, yet so alike. i didn't have a fancy ass car like you did. i was so nervous that you wouldn't like my car or laugh in my face, as you had once done to a freshman because you did not like his car. i was worried that you would mock me and storm off, deciding that this was a mistake. but, it wasn't. you smiled at me in appreciation when i opened the car door for you and you slid in graciously. i shut the door behind you and jogged at my side. when you complimented the interior of the car, i relaxed a little.

we talked until we got to the place you'd decided. just like i thought, it was fancy. i asked you if i should put on a tie and you laughed at me, saying i was 'adorable'. i just wanted to try, elissa. i wanted to be the best date you'd ever had, even if we were just eating. and, we did just that. when i dropped you off, you told me that it was the best date you'd ever been on and you'd like to do it again. i agreed.

i bent down and kissed your temple, and the blush that made its way to your cheeks was so cute. i'd never seen you blush before. well, at least not for another guy except me. i gave your hand a little squeeze and was off, disappearing into the night.

elissa, even if it was not my scene, the posh restaurant and stuck up people, i would totally do it again for you. and i did. again, and again, and again, and again. honestly, i didn't mind. as long as it made you happy, i didn't mind.

hope to hear from you soon.

yours,
ashton