dear elissa,

hey. hi. i didn't think you would answer me. i'm glad you did.

i am truly sorry about the rift i caused between zax and you. i'm genuinely happy that both of you salvaged your relationship. i truly am. i know what i did was so messed up and so wrong and i promise you that once i'm done writing this letter, i'll apologise to zax. and it's not just because you told me to, it's because i want to. i wronged the both of you, and i want to set it right. set this right. i want you to see it, el. you always did think that actions spoke louder than words. so, i promise you that i'm going to make this work. even though i want to get back together, i understand that taking things slowly would be for the best. and even if we end up not dating, elissa, i'd be perfectly alright with being your friend, because a life without you-- it's not good. and i know i could learn to live a life without you, a life where you won't smile at me with your crooked teeth, where you won't look at me with warmth, a life where we would never cross paths, but i don't want that because it sounds so shitty. you make everything better. so, elissa, take all the time you need. i'll be here. waiting.

you said that we needed to break up to grow as people. i agree. the breakup changed the way i looked at things. i remember you kept on telling me that i needed to go to therapy to process my trauma for months and i'd always ended up snapping at you and saying that 'i did not have any trauma', but with you gone to college, miles and miles away, i'd never felt so lonely and kept on replaying our conversations in my head. and i did. go to therapy, that is. it's been a couple of years since i've been getting help and i understand now that asking for help is okay. that i don't have to be ashamed. it made me see that the stuff i did to you was not okay. that it fucked you over. it fucked me over. it fucked us over. i do not regret us, elissa, but i do regret the way i treated you. i'll make it up to you for the rest of my life if you give me the chance to.

i know that we had really bad times. and really good times. you're right, you know. relationships are meant to make you feel good (not all the time, yes. that's actually very unrealistic, i think) and i'm sorry that ours was so anxiety-inducing rather than feel-good. we're both at fault, maybe me more than you, but we're acknowledging it rather than shoving it under a metaphorical carpet and pretending that these problems didn't exist, so that's progress, right? you're right (oops, i've said that twice under five minutes) we need to talk about this. that's what my therapist said too-- needing closure. so that's the reason i started writing to you. i never planned on sending them to you, but i'm glad i did. i hope this helps us heal.

i'm happy for you. about you experiencing what a good relationship is supposed to be like. i hope it helped to ease some of the pain i caused. you deserve everything good, el. out of everyone i know, you're the one. sometimes, i feel the intensity of my love for you in my chest, and it hurts me. it hurts to breathe because how is it possible to love someone this much? it's so weird because we weren't good for each other, but. but we just were. together. existing. being. some days, just sitting with you in the dark made me feel the safest i have ever felt in whole life. i'm getting better at expressing myself, and even though i'm not fully there yet, i'll tell you this-- i believe that if we were different people than what we were back then, we could have made it work. made it last. no toxicity. i believe in meeting the right person at the wrong time and you're it, el. you're it for me. i respect your decision and i'll leave this for now because i don't want to make you uncomfortable (if i haven't already and i'm sorry if i have. and the tear stains. i'm sorry about those, too). so, friends?

i promise we can take this as slow as you want. we can do this however we want, as long as it is okay with both of us. i don't want a clean slate. i want the same slate, but this time, we will do everything right. or whatever makes us comfortable. i don't want to make the same mistakes again. i don't want to lose you again.

elissa, even if we end up not getting back together, if you decide to not trust me, or whatever other reason, i want you to know that you shouldn't hesitate to say 'no'. it is okay. i will respect your decision.

i know we should have told each other about our feelings. the insecurities and doubts and oh god, so much hurt. thank you for apologising. thank you for trusting me and telling me why things happened the way they did. i wish could have helped. that i could be there with you, even if it was sitting in silence for hours. i wish we had done things differently, but we can't undo our past, but we will be okay this time. i hope you're better now. you know you can always reach out to me, no? even if it's been years, you can call me and i'll drop everything to be there for you. i love you.

i hate to be so impatient, but would you be okay with meeting with me this weekend? it's quite a drive, but i'll be there if you want me. i know it's a short notice, but i just miss you so much. i hope you still have my number. text me, whatever your answer is. i'll be waiting xx

ps - if you don't have it, it's (202)-555-0156.

all the love,
ashton