dear sunshine,

you know, elissa, heartbreak isn't just missing someone.

heartbreak is the feeling you get in your chest that makes you wanna rip out your heart to make your whole body stop hurting. it's like someone is just putting stones on top of stones on your chest and all you can do is look at the sky and think 'i did this to myself'. you want all of it– the pain– to stop and you want to go back to the time when nothing hurt and you want to go back to when you were happy, but that's not possible because i will cling to your heart like the smell of cigarette clings to clothes.

you know, when you left, the ground beneath my feet shattered. at first, i admit, i did regret you. i regretted ever giving you that satisfaction of having all of me. i used to regret ever being so vulnerable for you. i would regret the memories we had created at 2pm as well as the ones at 4am. i regretted putting in so much effort just for you to leave. i regretted giving you my heart; i regretted everything. but then, the regret faded away when the intense yearning for you set in.

i yearned for your presence at 3am and i yearned for your presence at 3pm. i wanted you to hold me close and i wanted to feel your breath on my neck. i want to hear you laugh at my silly jokes and i want to hear your darkest thoughts when you can't sleep.

i want you, elissa. i want the good and i want the bad. and i want you to know if you ever, even for a second, regret your decision of breaking up and want me back; if you ever look at old photos of us and miss what we had; if you miss having someone there who cares for you like i did; please text me or call me because i will be there at your doorstep, even when you're 356.4 kilometers away, and i hope and pray with every part of me that the day will come where you realise you can't live without me because i really can't do this without you even if it's been four years.

after all this time, i'm still waiting for you to call me and say you're sorry and you haven't had a day where you haven't thought about the way i used to hold you. or even for you to just show up at my door and hug me, and in that hug I'll understand everything. and i will tell you about how badly i fucked up, and how badly i want to make it all right. i will tell you how i regret the things i did, for breaking you, and i will keep on chanting how sorry i am until my dying breath. but in reality, i know the longer i wait, the more you're getting used to your life without me. you're happier without me as the time goes on, which is fair in all honesty but it still hurts.

and i know that i should send these letters to you if i really want you back but you know, i'm scared. i'm scared of how much would have changed. i'm scared about reaching out to you and then knowing that you've already met someone new. i'm scared that he will treat you better than i ever did and i'm scared that he will actually try for you. i'm scared of so many things, elissa. i'm scared if i find out that you're with someone new, i will wonder if you are happy. i will wonder if he knows all your secrets. i will wonder if he has met your parents. if your parents love him as much as they loved me. i will sit there and stare off wondering if i made the right choice of pushing you away. i will wonder if things would be different if we hadn't ended. i will wonder and wonder and wonder and i will keep on wanting you back.

right now, i'm stretched out on a sofa in the dark, incandescent gloom spilling in from the hall- thinking of you. i've been here for two days now, only getting up to go to the bathroom. i haven't slept, i haven't eaten. it's been like this since we split; i sometimes have days so terrible that i cannot move, whether it's from sadness or tiredness of being stuck in the same rut, i cannot say. i just miss you terribly.

i know you don't like to listen about my past relationships or the girls i've been with, but you know, i've never experienced a heartbreak like this in my life, ever. i've never felt this kind of pain over a girl. it's so severe that it hurts to breathe. they say that time is supposed to heal wounds but i think they don't; i think you just get used to it. anyway, before this gets more emotionally heavy, i'm just gonna say that i hope one day, we'll be okay.

yours,
ashton.