dear sunshine,

it was a tuesday morning when you came to me, asking me to help you with your math homework. it wasn't the first time you had come to me for help with your work. during the first few times, i genuinely believed you and helped you out, but then, foster– my best friend told me that you used to pretend to be dumb just so you could spend time with me. i did not like that. so that tuesday, i payed no heed to you. i was used to your tactics by then. you came at me, and i remember not wanting to talk to you. that was four years ago, and now, all i want to do is hear your voice.

i told you that i had football practise. i still remember how you came closer to touch me, and i remember thinking, 'oh, fuck. what is she doing to me?' because your touch left a trail of fire and my body filled with heat. i came alive. but i didn't want you to know that. i didn't want you to know because i didn't want you to see how much you affected me. i didn't like you in that way, back then because i thought that you dated too much, jumping from boy to boy until you were done with them and i remember thinking that i didn't want to end up like that. i didn't want to be just another boy you dated. i think i was old fashioned like that; i didn't like pointless dates or meaningless hookups, i wanted something real. still, do.

you talked to me until zax came around and you forgot all about me until i cleared my throat and told you i had to leave. i remember the guilt filling your face. you then invited me to a party. well, parties were my scene, but i did not want to go with you. i did not want to be 'the flavour of the week' so i declined. you pouted, and i left. i'm sorry to say this, but i didn't think of you for the rest of the day.

when evening rolled around, i lazily put on some clothes. and then, i remembered that you would be coming. now, i was never the one to impress girls, but i remember putting in efforts for you. i don't even know why. i changed into red– your favourite colour. you had mentioned it to me once while i was teaching you algebra. i remember looking in the mirror and talking to myself. god, I'm saying 'i remember' too much, aren't i? i'm sorry about that, haha. i remember trying for a girl who i didn't even like.

nothing special happened until midnight at the party. then, i saw you. you were wearing a red dress which was a few inches from being a swimsuit, and you had a bottle clutched in your hand. it was a bottle of iordanov if i'm correct. that was a slap to my face. that bottle cost around $4,400. you drank expensive liquor while i was content with cheap, warm beer. i had an average camaro while you drove a car whose name i couldn't even pronounce. you wore designer dresses– custom made for you while i wore the clothes i liked which were from the thrift store. you always hated those. the sky was the limit for you while i had my feet planted on the ground. we were worlds apart, elissa. and that hurt. why? was i attracted to you?

a little after midnight, i saw you dancing on the floor with zax. i don't think you realised, but you were all over him and grinding against him. thinking about it now, i don't think he realised it either. both of you were just so drunk. i remember not being jealous. that was weird to me because if i really liked you, i should've been jealous or angry or even sad. but i was nothing. i'm ashamed to say this, but when i saw rosaline greens, i forgot about you.

to get my mind off these confusing feelings, i talked to her. i danced with her. roasline was thirsty after dancing for a couple of songs, so i went to get us some drinks. there you were, in all your glory, drinking god-knows-what, a frown on your face. i wanted to ask you what was wrong, i wanted to talk to you but i couldn't.

we did not belong. we never would.

when i looked in your eyes, i could see something was wrong. god, i was so stupid. now i know you were hurt about rosaline and me. but it was nothing, i promise, my sweet, sweet elissa. she was just a friend– acquaintance if you will, while you are– were my everything.

you were so drunk that i had to take you home. i couldn't see zax or any of your friends around, so i took you to my car and sat you down. you laughed, and my heart fluttered with an unknown emotion. i wanted to tell you that i had was attracted towards you, you wouldn't have remembered it anyway, but i didn't. i had to play it safe.

so i'm telling you now, my love. even with your hair messy and makeup smeared, you were gorgeous. breathtaking. i couldn't take my eyes off you. i still can't.

you started talking and then laughed. and then talked some more. when i asked you for your address, you didn't remember where you lived, and i remember being annoyed but at the same time, i was amused. god, you are a piece of work. i called chloe, and she told me where you lived. the car ride was silent. not awkward, just silent. when we reached, you were in no state to walk, so i carried you. i could see the insecurity in your eyes. don't worry, elissa. you weren't heavy. your butler opened the door, and the absence of your parents somehow affected me. were you all alone? were your parents off on vacation again? i walked to a room, and i laid you down, covering you with a blanket.

you asked me to stay. with some hesitance, i sat on your bed, careful not to touch you. i know you found it offensive that i didn't want to touch you, but my love, i just did not want to take advantage of you.

i left after you fell asleep with a heavy heart because i didn't want to leave you. what was this feeling, elissa?

yours,
ashton