dear sunshine,

i've written three letters to you, but i haven't sent them. i don't have the guts to. it's been years since we've last talked and our breakup was messy, i know. i know that if i send them to you, you will be conflicted. i don't know if you'll read them or throw them away after seeing my name on the envelope. i know you'll also think that some doors should remain closed after they've been locked but, my love, i love you too much to not give us a try again. i know i basically just told you that i still love you, but, despite everything we've been through, how can i not?

i admit we've both put each other through hell; you broke me, and i cut you, but there was something about it that was tragically beautiful, and i want to give it another chance, i was to give us another chance. i've changed, elissa, i promise. i'm no longer that possessive and controlling boyfriend that i was four years ago.

i remember the horrible things i did to you. first of all, i am so, so sorry for forbidding you from seeing zax. i, now, realise how horrible that was and i shouldn't have made you cut ties with your childhood best friend. it was wrong of me on so many levels. zax was your everything, and i always came second to him, which made me jealous. or was it scared? i don't know. you didn't deserve to choose between him and me, but you had to, and for that, i'm extremely sorry. no matter how many times i apologise, it's not enough, and i'm always going to feel guilty about it.

i'm sorry i stopped you from talking to boys. it wasn't fair on my part. now, i see how controlling and toxic i was and trust me, it makes me feel horrible. i did not realise the damage i was causing. you never did that–– you never told me to stop talking to my girl friends, and you listened to me when i told you to stop talking to boys, even if they were just friends. i'm ashamed of it. i really am. but, elissa, why did you? you never even protested. now, i know it was because you were afraid to lose me. you shouldn't have been afraid to lose a person like me. you should've spoken up, because don't you always speak up for the things you believed in? if you brought out the worst in me, i weakened you, which wasn't right.

i didn't allow you to hang out with boys alone. trust me with all your heart when i say this, i wasn't afraid that you'd cheat on me or anything; i trusted you. with. all. my. heart. it's just that i was naturally a possessive guy and when i tell you i'm not like that anymore, i mean it.

i got angry at you when guys hit on you. that's messed up. now, i understand it wasn't your fault. it was never. what can i say? you were beautiful. you still are. beyond beautiful, even. i know i've destroyed you, but i want to put you back together. i want to mend your broken heart. i want to heal you. i want to bring back the old you. the confident elissa. maybe you're you again, now. i wouldn't know because we haven't talked. i don't even know if what i just said made sense, but elissa, even if i might be not able to heal you, i want to be right there next to you, holding your hand when you're healing yourself. i want to give you everything.

once again, i'm sincerely sorry.

the way our relationship ended, it ended us, too. but what if it didn't have to? what if we tried again? would you want to? will you be able to trust me again? will you be able to love me again?

yours,
ashton.