dear sunshine,

it's five am, and you have been in my head all night. tonight, just like any other night, you've been running in my mind, tangling with my thoughts. you came through the doors of my memories without knocking, and i didn't protest. i just couldn't. i couldn't reject the sense of familiarity you brought. i couldn't deny the feeling of old heartbreak and nostalgia. i couldn't reject you. not again.

you know, last night i hung out with foster after three months. it was just like old times, and he brought up you. i cried. i know it's no excuse, but i was drunk, and you know how i get when i get drunk. we talked, but i don't remember much of it, but one thing stands out in my hazy memories— he told me that the girl he's talking to has been ignoring him for seventeen hours. yes, he counted. it made me laugh. you know why? because it was so precise and familiar. but then, a few seconds later, it brought me a feeling of anxiety because it brought flashbacks. the days i used to be anxious all the time and desperate for your replies to my texts. i would sit and wait and check my phone thousands of times only to be greeted with silence. i would check your snapchat score to see if it went higher (looking back now, i know it's damn creepy but what could i do? i was desperate) and who you're talking to and  w h y  you had not replied. was i boring? were you with your friends and embarrassed to text me in their presence? i didn't know, and it made me scared.

i was never an insecure person, elissa, but you brought out the worst in me. when we broke up, it was hell for me. for a long time, i thought everyone that got close to me, somehow ended up in pain. because you did, too, along with my ex-girlfriends and people who were no longer my friends. my self-esteem was so low that i took upon myself to be the bad omen and unfortunate event of their life. what i failed to realise was that everyone is going through something, no matter how big or small. what i was unable to realise was that it wasn't me that was bad, it was just life. the only reason i knew something bad was going on in their life was because i knew them and was close to them. now i know that you only know people's pain because you are close to them; you aren't the reason for their pain. it took me a long time to realise this. when we broke up, i remember thinking, 'oh, no. i've done it again. i ruined another person.' but i know now, although we were not healthy for each other, we were in love. those nine months i spent dating you were the best months of my life till date.

i wouldn't go as far as calling you toxic. you did not ruin me. unhealthy is apter, i think. i never told you this when we were together, but you made me a human ball of anxiety and self-doubt. i never cared about what girls thought of me before, but i always wanted to know what you thought of me. i was on my toes the entire relationship and trust me, it was exhausting. i always wondered if i was good enough for the elissa zaeden.

when i called, you never answered. when i texted, you never replied. sometimes, you never even showed up on our dates that i had spent hours planning. that really chipped off my self-esteem. was i too boring for you? were my dates too dull for you? how long could i keep you entertained? would you break up with me?

our relationship was fragile, but exceptional. and you know, elissa, i wouldn't trade it for the world.

yours,
ashton.