"I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE you had dinner with his mom," Val says from the passenger's seat, ashing her smoke out the window. "We might as well hang the wedding bells now."

I hold in a sneeze as pollen-infused air leaks into the vehicle. "Shut up, Val. This is exactly why I didn't tell you sooner."

"Why? 'Cause you two love each other?" Val snickers and looks outside, at the still downtown street soaked in the afternoon sun. Spring has a nasty habit of stuffing me up, and it doesn't help that Mayor Gibbons likes to keep wild daisies all over town. Every patch of green is dotted with little faces of yellow and white. Once a month, Mom keeps Dee's shut on a Sunday, so for the first time in weeks I have a real day off. Val and I just got done shopping, but haven't picked our next destination so we're parked outside of Chester Park.

"So now it's not just he loves me," I say, cocking an eyebrow, "I love him, too?"

"Yep. It's all over your face."

"It is not. Because I don't."

"Did he show you his room?"

"Yes, Val, I saw his room."

"Ohmygod. You'd tell me if you banged him, right? I know he's never had a problem getting girls to sleep with him—but you'd at least tell me, right?"

I can't help but feel a bite at her words. I know Carson's slept with a lot of girls—it never bothered me, why would it? He can do whatever he wants. But ever since I went to that cottage with him last week, my thoughts of him have bloomed like a sunflower in July. Grown big, fat, obnoxious petals that won't leave my mind. God, the other day when we were working, I even spaced out so hard I missed Paul yelling at me to pick up an order. All because Carson's triceps were looking particularly nice.

But just because I've been thinking about him like that doesn't mean I'm going to act on it.

Val must notice I've gone quiet, because she says, "Hey, sorry. I was just joking around."

I smile tightly. "It's okay. I obviously didn't sleep with him."

Her eyes narrow as she takes a drag of her smoke and blows it out the window. "All jokes aside, do you actually like him? I'm getting some serious vibes from you right now."

Throat tight, I wring my thumb along my necklace.

"You do."

I drop my hands in defeat. "I don't know. Part of me does."

"You have to tell him! He's clearly in love with you, Jill."

"No, I can't. And you have to promise not to say anything. Even the jokes make it worse."

"Why? Is this because of Clarissa? I'm ninety-nine percent sure she doesn't want Blue back. They broke up, you don't owe her anything."

"That isn't the only reason." I pause. "All my life, I've been so against drugs because of my dad. And when he left, I vowed I'd never let someone like him close to me again. I used to think of Carson as another person I could never let in—but now when I see him, that's always an afterthought. Because first I'm thinking about how sweet he is, and how easy he is to talk to, and how he listens. And how good of a person I think he really is."

After a final puff of her smoke, Val flicks it out the window. I wait for her to respond, but she says nothing.

"My point is," I say, "I'm starting to like him, and it freaks me out because he isn't someone I ever pictured myself being with. And a big part of me thinks we're better off as friends."

"Staying friends would be the safest way for no one to get hurt."

"Exactly."

"But if you like him that much, wouldn't it also hurt to watch him start dating someone else? He won't wait forever."

My chest knots up. Val's right, Carson never stays single for long. "I just don't like being alone," he'd said to me that night at the beach.

These days, I don't like to be alone, either. My nights have become occupied with thoughts of what it'd be like to have Carson alone with me.

"My point is," Val says, "it wouldn't kill you to give him a chance. Just lay down the law and say you'll dump him if he does drugs or whatever."

"Threatening never kept my dad clean."

This conversation is going nowhere good, so I scan outside for anything to give me a new topic. Fire hydrant, World War II memorial tank, community service worker, Mom...

Wait, Mom?

Walking through the winding pathway of the park, my mom's blue sundress blows in the wind behind her. A man in a burnt orange shirt is next to her. I thought she looked extra pretty when she left this morning, but I didn't know she was meeting with some guy. Mom doesn't date. She hasn't been on a single one since Dad left.

"There's my mom," I say, "but who's she with?"

"Oh my God." Val grabs my arm. "Jill, are you blind? That's my brother."

"No way."

"They're holding hands!"

We shift up in our seats to get a better look. My eyes must be playing tricks on me, because no way is my mother holding hands with Matias Rivera right now.

But they are. And they're smiling.

To quote Grandma: When, why, and how in God's name did this happen?

Val and I sit in a horrified silence and watch Mom and Matias converge with the sidewalk. He holds the door to Robin's Coffee open for her, and she smiles bashfully as she slips under his arm, and then they're out of sight.

"What the fuck," Val says.

"Why?" I ask, but it's more rhetorical than anything. "Why would my mom keep this from me? If they're holding hands already, this isn't new... and she has been going out a lot lately, but she always says it's with friends. Has she been lying to me?"

A small, but cold betrayal stings me. I never thought much about what would happen if Mom started dating again, but I figured she'd trust me enough to tell me. And to date my best friend's brother is a whole other level of weird.

"Okay, we need to talk about this now," Val says. "When did this happen? 'Cause he didn't tell me either."

"I don't know. This is so weird." I rub my temples. "Okay, let's take a step back. Maybe it's not that weird. I mean, they're pretty close in age. Matias is what, twenty-eight? And my mom's thirty-four..."

"He's my brother, Jill. I can't even confront him because I'm working tonight."

"I know. I never even remotely pictured something like this happening. I didn't even know they talked!"

Now I'm analyzing every interaction I've ever witnessed between them. When I was too young to drive, Mom would pick me up from Val's and pop in and say hi to the family and sometimes Matias would be there. And sometimes he'd drop me off at home and come in to say hi to Mom. And sometimes we'd all have dinner together and Mom would sit next to Matias, but there was never anything there between them.

Was there?

"This is fucked-up." Val nudges me and winks. "But hey, look on the bright side. If they get married, we'll be stuck in each other's lives forever."

***

By the time I drop Val off, my nerves are all frayed. I have to confront Mom, but I have no idea what to say. We don't tell each other everything (I haven't admitted I like Carson), but we don't keep big secrets from each other either. Not like this. Maybe I'm being dramatic, but this is huge and I'm hurt she kept it from me.

When I get home, I find her sitting in the diner on her phone, still in her sundress.

"Oh, hey Jillie," she says, eyes focused on the Pinterest page she's scrolling. "I was wondering when you'd be home."

"Yeah. Hi." I plop down at a booth across from her so there's an aisle between us. Without the customers and workers, Dee's is like an empty husk, quiet and lifeless. Like one of those places you break in to loot in a zombie movie.

Mom sets her phone aside and smooths her dress over her lap. "What's up, sweetheart?"

The ball of anxiety grows. This is my mom; I've known her my whole life, I shouldn't be nervous to call her out. So I suck in a breath and say, "We need to talk."

Mom blinks. "Oh?"

"Where were you today?"

Her brows furrow, before she rubs her hands together like she always does when she's nervous. "Oh, dear. You saw us, didn't you?"

"Yeah, I saw you." Frustration ruptures inside me, and I stand. "What the hell, Mom? It was you who said that we should always be honest with each other. You've been lying to me!"

She stands too. "Jillie, no, it's not like that."

"Then what is it? Because it really looked to me like you're dating my best friend's brother and have been hiding it for weeks."

Mom draws a breath and sits back down. She fidgets with the ring on her pinky finger, sliding it up to her knuckle, then down again. "You're right, I have always told you to be honest with me, and I promised I'd do the same with you. But I have been keeping this from you and I'm sorry for that. I just need you to know that I didn't hide it maliciously."

My temper chills, so I sit too. I've always had a hard time staying annoyed with Mom; even when she's in the wrong, being mad at her is like being mad at that one cloud on an otherwise clear day. She's gentle, and she always means well.

"The funny thing is," Mom says, "today is the day I wanted to tell you. I knew Matias and I couldn't keep it a secret forever, especially since word spreads like wildfire in this town. Today was our first public outing. I should have known you'd spot us before I had the chance to come clean."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Well, Matias and I were testing the waters. We wanted to see if we were really compatible beyond some sort of honeymoon phase. It's been so long since I've dated, I just... I didn't want to look like a fool if it didn't work out. I'm sorry if you feel I lied to you, Jillie."

My heart clenches. For my entire life, Mom has done her best to take care of me. To make me feel loved and wanted, if not by Dad, by her. When I was too young to work, she did double time so I had the chance to be a kid, have fun, and nourish my love of music. The years since Dad left haven't been easy on her; I've seen her cry, lose hair from stress, sleep entire days away from depression. But she's been so content lately, and I thought it was because Carson was helping out around the diner so much—but that's not it at all. Mom's glow isn't from beauty sleep, it's from love. And that thought fills me with the most intense hope I've had in years.

"You could never look stupid, Mom."

She laughs. "Well, you say that, but I'd have felt pretty stupid if I went all public with it only for it to fall through a week later. Matias felt the same way. He's also had a rocky few years with relationships."

Matias hasn't had a steady girlfriend since he moved to Hull, and he's always been more family-oriented than anything. It was one of the things I liked about him. I can just never, ever mention the fact that I used to crush on him, because... ew. He might become my stepdad.

And now that I think about it, it's been a long time since I've had any flirty thoughts about Matias, even when I've seen him in person at Val's. Ever since Carson and I started getting closer, it's like he becomes more attractive, and every other guy becomes less.

"Are you mad at me, Jillie?" Mom asks.

"No, I'm not mad. I was just hurt you didn't tell me."

"Maybe it sounds silly, but part of the reason I was scared to tell you was because I thought you might get upset since Matias is, well... not your father. Plus, I wasn't sure if you and Valery would approve."

I slide into the seat across from her. "Mom, I want you with anyone but Dad. The fact that Matias is an actual good guy is just icing. It's going to take some getting used to, but I'm happy for you. I mean it. Val's okay with it too. We talked about it earlier. Just wish you guys had been honest with us."

"Whew." She laughs and fans herself, eyes glassy with tears. "This is such a relief. Because I really was going to tell you today. If that conversation went well, I was going to ask Matias to come have dinner with us. A real Williams family welcoming. What do you think?"

"Tonight? Sure, if he's okay with burgers."

"Oh, that's great. I'll give him a call and tell Colleen and Nolan."

I freeze. "Wait, you're inviting Colleen? Mom..."

"As difficult as she can be, she's still my sister. And she's been having a tough time since Tim took off."

"I know that. Nolan is the one who pays for it. And don't you remember the last time we had a big dinner with Colleen?"

It was a few years ago, back when Grandma was still alive. We'd gone over to her place for Thanksgiving, and Grandma's expensive bottle of Cabernet Merlot mysteriously disappeared. Next thing we knew, Colleen was red-faced and screaming at everybody. She always gets drunk at dinner, holidays or not, but the more people you add into the mix, the more likely she is to spaz out. It's anything for attention with her.

"Colleen's suffering too, Jillie," Mom says. "I just want to remind her that she's still part of the family."

"She's going to show up drunk."

"I'll ask her not to."

"Do really you think that'll work?"

Mom sighs. "No, but I'm going to give her a chance. So does this mean you'll help with dinner?"

Though I have a bad feeling about Colleen coming, I smile. "Of course. Anything you need, I'm here to help."

"Thank you, sweetheart. I'm going to go shower and change." She heads toward the stairs. "And you should invite someone too! Matias mentioned Val is working—is there someone else?" She winks before she disappears, and I think I know the 'someone else' she's referring to. I can't resist blushing; even Mom can tell I like Carson. Apparently it's been obvious to everyone but me for a while now.

Chewing on my lip, I take out my phone and hover my thumb over the home button. I don't know what I want from him anymore, if we should stay just friends, date, or whatever. The only thing I know for sure is: I want him here tonight.

***

Since there's no room for a dining area in the apartment upstairs, Mom and I push a bunch of tables in the diner together and throw a big blue cloth over them to create some sort of long, wobbly mess of a table. We stick coasters under the feet to balance it out, and Mom lights two cinnamon-scented candles on each end. I set up Dee's plates and cutlery and plastic cups filled with fountain pop, followed by the bowls of food we made: Greek salad, fries, and a self-serve burger station with pickles and the other works.

It's not much, but it's the best we've got. With the dim lighting and the flames flickering in the windows, it's almost like a real dining room, and not just our greasy spoon restaurant.

Colleen and Nolan get here first. When I pass Colleen, her beer breath makes me gag. I knew she would show up drunk. I want to bitch at her, but bite my tongue. Mom and I don't keep booze here, so even if Colleen's wasted, it should wear off soon.

Matias walks through the door, and the awkwardness kicks on—but for Mom's sake, I try to act natural and say, "Hi, Matias."

His smile wans. "Hey, Jill."

Last but not least, Carson comes in wearing his good red hoodie and jeans with no rips in them. My heart does that flippy thing it's been doing all week. I meet him by the door.

"Hey, sorry I'm late," he says. His hair is darkened and damp, and he smells like he just showered.

"No, you're right on time. Thanks for coming."

"As if I'd say no to free food. Is this like an employee dinner or something?"

"Not exactly..."

Carson glances at the others. "Family event?"

"Sorta."

He half-grins. "Well I don't know why I was invited, but I'm not complaining. Thanks, Jill." He touches the small of my back before he joins the others, and I turn hotter than the fryers still simmering in the back.

I've been thinking a lot about what Val said earlier. Staying friends with Carson would be the safest route, but now that these feelings have blossomed, I don't know if I can get rid of them. It'd kill me if he started dating someone else. And after seeing how happy Mom and Matias are, I'm feeling inspired—maybe telling him how I feel isn't completely out of the question, after all.

We all sit down, Mom and Matias near the end, Colleen and the boys on one half, and Carson and I on the other. Everyone noncommittally glances at each other. Okay, this is weird, but at least the food smells good.

"Well," Mom begins, "let's dig in."

Colleen, Nolan, and Carson pile their plates with burgers and fries, while the rest of us go easy and take one burger and some salad.

"So"—with her mouth half-full, Colleen jerks her fork at Matias—"is anyone gonna tell me why this guy's here?"

Silence. Mom dabs her mouth with a napkin, and Matias clears his throat.

"Everyone," Mom says, "Matias and I are dating."

The boys keep eating like they couldn't care less, but Colleen's jaw drops. "You go from dating a washed-up geezer like Graham Grant to a young guy like this? I admit, I never saw it coming."

Mom stiffens. Matias looks away.

"Colleen," I say through gritted teeth.

"What? What's the problem?" She takes a big swig from her cup of Coke, and my fists clench. Please don't ruin this for Mom, Colleen.

Matias squares his shoulders. "Sharon and I have been seeing each other for a while, but today we decided to make it official. So I hope in time, you can all accept me."

"Obviously I accept you, Mat," I say. "We were already family anyway."

He gives me a thankful smile.

"Sure, you're fine." Colleen hacks a cough into her elbow before she cackles. "Let's see how long you last though!"

"Colleen," Mom says slowly, "I asked you here so we could all have a nice dinner together. Please stop being unpleasant."

"I'm just sayin'." Her shoulders sway, and her drunk eyes land on Matias. "If my sister here decides to fuck off, maybe run on back to that ex of hers, I'll be around."

Nobody has anything to say to that, but I'm starting to get seriously pissed-off. This is such a Colleen thing to do. I knew inviting her was a bad idea. Just as I'm thinking it can't get worse, Colleen slurs, "Then there's Carson over here. Look at those hands. God, Jill, you're one lucky gal."

My skin smolders with anger and embarrassment. I don't dare look at Carson, but in my peripherals, he's as glued to his plate as I am. Nolan also looks mortified—but then again, he's used to this, and I hate that more than anything.

"Always knew you'd grow up to be a hottie," Colleen goes on. "Your daddy was easy on the eyes back in the day too, you know. But boy was time not his friend."

"Colleen," Mom says through gritted teeth.

"What, Sharon? They're clearly bangin' each other! Who cares?"

"Do not talk about my daughter that way!"

"Yeesh." Colleen swigs from her drink again, and her eyes lull into her head. If I didn't know any better, I'd swear she was getting more and more wasted. But I poured that cup myself, and I definitely didn't spike it.

A weighty silence crushes us. Mom's face is beet red and she's holding in tears. I'm trying to keep it together, but I want to kill Colleen.

Carson clears his throat. "We, uh. We aren't."

Everyone looks at him, and I narrow my eyes.

"We aren't, you know..." he trails off.

"It's none of our business if you are," Mom says, but doesn't look at either of us. I send Carson a what the fuck look, and he shrugs, embarrassment and bewilderment written all over his face. If he was trying to make the situation better, all he did was make it worse.

"Mom, stop," Nolan says, and that's when I see it. The source of Colleen's drunkenness: a flask she keeps filling her cup with under the table.

"Are you kidding me?" I say. "You couldn't even do a couple of hours, Colleen?"

When Mom sees the flask, her eyes lower in disappointment. She pushes away from the table, storms over to Colleen, and pries it from her fingers. It sloshes around and sounds half-empty, and there's a Jack Daniels crest embroidered in bronze.

"Give it back, Sharon," Colleen says.

"No." Mom's voice shakes. "You promised me you wouldn't bring alcohol, Colleen."

"I said give it back!" Colleen lunges for it, but Mom dives out of the way.

"Fuck you, Sharon." Colleen's makeup is smeared. Her blue-green eyes are the same color as Mom's, but they're shattered like a broken mirror. Oh no—this is always the look she gets when she's about to snap. "Mom and Dad gave you everything," she spits. "You've got this place, your perfect little daughter, and now this handsome new boyfriend. You got everything. You think I like this? You think I wanna be like this? I've got nothing else!"

Mom winces. Colleen collapses into a lump on the floor and sobs, and for the first time in a long time, my heart hurts for her. She's a mess, and there are times when I straight-up hate her for what she does to my cousin.

But family is family, and I'm not my dad.

"You have Nolan," I say. "And you have us."

"Colleen, it's okay." Mom touches her shoulders. "We can talk about this when you're sober. How about I drive you home?"

"Uh, guys." Carson points toward the door, where Nolan is hurrying outside. Colleen chases after him, and I go to follow—but Mom stops me.

"No, Jill. Stay here. Let me deal with this."

"But Mom—"

"She's my sister, and I invited her here. I'll make sure her and Nolan get home."

"I'll come with you," Matias says.

Mom nods once at me, then at Carson, before she and Matias zip outside. Through the windows, I watch them chase Colleen and Nolan into the dark street. My eyes burn, but the tears don't fall.

"Nolan shouldn't have to see this," I croak out. "From any of us. Colleen always does this."

"Hey, Nolan's a tough kid." Carson's smile is crooked, but full of understanding, because if there's one person who knows what it's like to live in a family as dysfunctional as mine, it's Carson Blue. So I throw my arms around his neck and breathe in his smell of smoke and pine. His body is warm and solid, his heartbeat heavy against my cheek as I rest it against his skin. After a stiff moment, he buries his face in my hair and hugs me back.

And I have one more blessing to count. Because as horrible as tonight went, at least he's still here with me.