I TEXTED CARSON as soon as I noticed he was gone, but he doesn't reply until I reach Dad's motel.

Carson: I had to go home. Sorry.

My headlights illuminate the dark parking lot, and the car rumbles as I keep it in idle. Across the lot, past a half-dead neon sign that flickers Lakeside Motel, the lights in Dad's room are on. I wring my thumb around my necklace, and my heart races faster than my thoughts can keep up with. It's like I have a circuitry of frayed wires in my chest.

I inhale a shaky breath. Maybe Carson really did go home. Maybe all that drama gave him anxiety and he took off before Dad. The whole thing is blurry now, and I can't remember if he was even there through it all.

But this is suspicious. I get out of the car.

The cool grass tickles my ankles as I cut across the lawn to Dad's room, hugging myself tightly. A mantra plays in my head, saying, please don't let him be here, please don't let him be here, please don't let him be here.

I creep up to the motel room. Voices sound on the other side. I press my ear to the door.

"You gotta do what you gotta do, buddy," Dad says.

"Jill makes me happy, but sometimes when she's not around, it's like I'm drowning."

The wind knocks from my lungs. I cover my mouth with my hand to suppress my sob. I don't know what to do, how to react. So I just listen.

"Hey man, you don't gotta justify yourself to me," Dad says. "I know how it is. Life gets rough and you need an escape. You're only human, buddy. Don't be so hard on yourself."

"I don't wanna let her down, but even being around her makes me feel so guilty. Lately all I can think about is getting high."

"Believe me, I know that feeling. Listen man, just do a bit of this stuff with me, and trust me, it'll all get better. Snow'll give you the jitters, make it obvious. This'll really take the pain away."

"Is it clean?"

"Yeah, it's clean! Look, these're fresh."

"If Jill finds out about this, she'll hate me. You sure she didn't follow us?"

"She won't find out, man. You texted her, didn't yah?"

"Yeah, but..."

"Hey, if you don't wanna do it—"

"No. I want to."

"Here, roll up your sleeve. That's it. Put it right there."

I kick open the door. Everything moves in slow motion. Carson and Dad sit next to each other on a ratty couch. A blue band is tied around Carson's bicep with a needle on his arm, right about to pierce the skin. When he stands, it tumbles to the floor, but Dad catches it.

"Jill—" Carson begins but I shove past him and get in Dad's face.

"Are you seriously trying to shoot up my boyfriend? What the fuck, Dad? What the fuck!"

"Jillie, I—"

"How could you do this? He's trying to get better! He's trying to recover so he doesn't become a loser like you!"

"Jillie, c'mon," Dad says. When I look at his face, it's as clear as day: the dilated pupils, the eyes rolling into his head. The jaw that can't function properly as he grinds his teeth and sucks on his cheeks. Dad wobbles before he collapses onto the couch like a corpse. I've seen this before: heroin.

"Dad, don't you dare pass out." I grab the neck of his shirt and slap his cheek. His eyes lull open, in a state of total bliss. "Why did you do this?" I demand.

A nauseating smile spreads across his face. "C'mon, Sharon, gimme a break."

"It's Jill." I smack him, harder this time. "Tell me why you did this, Dad. Why did you have to pick him, of all people? Why did you take Carson?"

"I didn't wanna be alone another night... and he was right there..."

Nauseated, I drop him. This is my fault—I should've convinced him to leave town as soon as he arrived, and then he never would've been able to get to Carson. Dad was never going stop using. He handed me a bunch of prettied, bullshit promises like a bouquet of roses and set them on fire. This is on me, because I was dumb enough to hope.

Graham Grant will never change. And even though I knew it all along, I never imagined he would sink this low, all for a buddy to get stoned with for a night.

I place my hand on my sweaty forehead. "I can't believe I even thought about giving you another chance."

I spin around, and my heart plummets.

Carson's gone.

I run outside and shout his name. It echoes over the vacant property and resounds through the night. He couldn't have gotten far, so I run to the road as fast as I can and skid to a halt. To the right, the street cuts through the trees. To the left, the moon bleeds through the sky, and the road leads to the dead of downtown.

He could be anywhere.

Defeat cripples me. I could collapse on this asphalt and give up right here. I can't wrap my head around it; I won't. This has to be a nightmare. Why would Carson do this to me? Didn't we just talk about honesty? I blame Dad for almost giving Carson the heroin, but Carson is the one lying. Hiding. Now running.

My head spins, and I hurry back to the car. My wheels squeak against the road as I drive. I don't know what to do, but I can't do it alone. Hyperventilating, I pull over at the side of the road and call Val. I tell her everything. When I'm done, Val draws a breath and says, "Shae's having people over tonight. I'd bet my life Blue went there. Come get me—we're gonna find his lying ass."

***

I'm still shaking by the time Val and I pull up to Shae's house. Music pounds from inside, and silhouettes move behind the blinds. I bite on my thumb and tap my leg.

"Hey," Val says. "Look at me."

Our eyes meet. Her face is completely bare, no makeup; she's still sick with the flu, so there are dark bags under her eyes, and I can tell she's been overusing her Chapstick again because her dry lips are caked with it. This time of the year is always hard on Val; she gets allergies, dry skin, all of that crap. But she still changed out of her pajamas, into an oversized Metallica t-shirt and sweatpants, just to come with me. I don't know what I did to deserve a friend like Val, but I appreciate her more than she knows.

"We're probably not gonna like what we find in there, Jill. You ready?"

My hands tremble, but I take a deep breath. "I have to see him. I have to find out where we stand."

Val and I head to the door and knock. Shae whips it open, and when he sees us, his eyes somehow grow even more apathetic than usual.

"Oh, great," Shae says, then calls into the house, "Blue, your girlfriend is here."

Val and I shove past Shae and land in the living room, where Carson sits between Ethan Leeds and Clarissa Miller on the couch. He leans over the coffee table as he files a pile of cocaine into lines with a razor blade.

"Holy shit Jill," Carson says, not looking at me. "Wanna stop following me everywhere?"

Everyone snickers but Clarissa, who averts her eyes.

"Carson, what the hell," I squeak out. "Why are you doing this?"

Silence.

"Hey." Val snaps her fingers. "Hey, asshole. She's talking to you."

He squeaks the razor blade against the glass surface of the table and chops up the powder a few times, creating another line. A rolled-up bill is next to him, and there's already white dust on one end of it. Everyone stares at me and blinks. I need to get out of here, but I'm not leaving without him.

"Carson, please," I say. "Come on, let's just go. Come with us. We can talk about this. Please."

Finally, he meets my eyes, and there's nothing in them. No love or adoration for me. Just a dead emptiness. This isn't Carson, who sang to me on the beach, who said he wanted to get better, who made me feel like I was the only girl in the world. No, this is Blue. The guy I used to see snorting lines at parties, who I knew I had to stay away from. I don't even recognize him.

"Just go away, Jill." He focuses back on the table.

My knees threaten to buckle. Everyone gawks at me, and I never thought I'd feel this small again. Not since I was a little girl and Dad's friends would mess with me. Not since I vowed I'd never let anyone make me feel like I don't matter.

"Just leave, Jill," Shae says, almost sympathetically. "He asked you to go. He doesn't wanna talk to you."

"Carson," I say, but my voice comes out as a pathetic whimper. He keeps filing the coke.

"Unbelievable," Val says. "I was wrong about you, Blue. You're a loser." She picks up an empty beer can off the table and hocks it at Carson. It tings as it ricochets off his head. He flinches, but doesn't look.

My heart cracks again. I don't want to leave him here. He belongs at Dee's, with me and my family. When Val grabs my arm and drags me away, I stare at Carson for as long as I can until I'm outside of Shae's house. Shae shuts and locks the door behind us. Frozen, I peer into the darkness.

"Jill, c'mon," Val says. "To hell with this. Let's go."

I snap out of it and storm to the car, slamming the door behind me. Once we're in the safety of the station wagon, I bawl into my hands. A quiet voice whispers in my head, but it's not my own. It's from when I was a kid, saying, I'm not enough.

"God, I'm so stupid." I punch the steering wheel.

"You're not stupid," Val says. "You wanted to believe in him. I did too."

"But I let him into my whole world, Val. My home, my family. My goddamn body. I literally had sex with him today, right there."

Val looks down at the seat. "Gross, dude."

I cry more.

"Sorry, kidding," Val mutters. She pauses. "Okay, look. You know me—I'm not the type who thinks sex is some sacred bullshit. It can be borderline meaningless. But when you sleep with someone you have real feelings for, it changes everything. You probably feel pretty bonded to him right now. It's hard to see someone's bad behavior when you're close to them like that. That feeling will fade, trust me. The way Blue just treated you was messed-up. Unforgivable."

"I just wanted to be close to him. I didn't think he'd do this. I knew it was a possibility he'd start using, but I didn't think he'd treat me this way. I thought we could talk about it, and deal with it together..."

"He's a dick. But hey, the old Jill would never be hung up on a guy like that, not after that asshole camp counsellor. You're gonna get through this. You'll be okay."

"But I don't want to be okay, Val. I want Carson back."

Val's quiet for a moment. "Remember all the times we had this pretty much exact conversation, only I was crying and it was about Jacobi? And you were telling me I was worth so much more?"

Dabbing my eyes, I nod.

"Well, this is just like that. Dunno if that helps at all, but just remember... I got through it. And you've been through way more shit than me. You're strong as hell. You'll be okay."

"He humiliated me," I say quietly. "I'm upset he's high, but it's the way he looked at me—the way he treated me—that really hurts."

"So be mad about it. You have every right to be."

Her words are rational. In my mind, they even sound true. But it's my heart that feels like it's been stabbed, and it tells me to go back inside and beg Carson to come with me. I wanted us to be different. I wanted to be the ones who made it through, who worked out in the end. But I should know by now, after all the shit I've seen, that what I want is rarely what I get. I wanted Dad to stay, but he left. I wanted to trust Carson, but he betrayed me.

Taking one last glance at the house, I drive away and wonder if there will ever be a man who loves me more than getting high.