ALISTAIR KIRSTEN DE AVERILL

When exactly did things start to go downhill?

In truth, I was a simple man. I knew my place, and I wasn't ambitious. Despite coming from an eminent ducal family, they drilled an idea on me.

That I should never yearn for more, in any sense.

And so, with that kind of mentality, I led my life as the shield of the north. I focused on how to protect my territory and make its barren lands prosper.

I should have just stayed in that cold place.

If I didn't leave the north, I wouldn't have met her and none of us would have to go through this hell.

She was my sun, the one who gave me light.

But due to the warmth she made me feel, I forgot what my parents strictly taught me all my life.

Eventually, I started yearning for more.

Perhaps my greed was the one that hammered the nail in the coffin, which led to this exact moment.

"Isabelle," I whispered her name softly.

My hands were soaked in blood after killing the love of my life. I swore to protect her with my blade, but then I ended up slaying her with it.

For a while, I stood there short of breath, with two corpses lying on their own bloodbath. The prince and the one who assassinated him are both dead.

Once again, I was left to be alone.

My chest heaved as I glanced over the body of the crown prince. Regardless of everything, Dion and I grew up side by side. We were often compared with each other, but I'd say we still got along well.

However, when he met that woman, he started to change. My friend was bewitched, to the point that he was willing to destroy the empire for that girl.

Due to his blind affection for Lady Ingrid Nala Marchetti, I deemed him unsuitable to rule.

Thus, I chose to side with the princess, who was barely surviving against the schemes of Dion.

"This is so exhausting." I muttered grimly.

As if on cue, my fingers let go of the hilt of my sword. At the same time, I lost my strength and stumbled on the floor, totally resigned to defeat.

I am so tired of this fucking hell.

Isabelle was looking at me with her slitted throat. I could see the flesh on her neck as blood oozed from it, and her corpse laid there unmoving.

"Why are you doing this to me?" My throat dried as I spoke. "How many times do I have to watch her die before my eyes? Stop toying with me."

My eyes instantly rimmed with tears.

"I am so tired of this," I said in between sobs, clenching my chest with my hands. "Please."

For the first time, I felt so lost and helpless.

I just seem to keep making the wrong choices.

When I betrayed Isabelle and Haniel, was it my own will or was it part of the unfolding plot?

Even though I already have self-awareness as a character, is it the novel pushing me to act this way? Or am I simply selfish, ugly, and vile?

"Why did you have to write me like this?" I asked emotionally. "All I wished was to be with her, yet you kept taking her away from me... and when I finally go against the plot to protect her, she falls in love with that man. What am I supposed to do?"

The next thing I knew, I was screaming.

I screamed so much that my throat started to bleed. I screamed in anguish, in rage, and in sorrow. My tears cascaded uncontrollably.

"Just kill me instead!" I slammed my fists against the floor. "Stop hurting Isabelle and making her suffer! I'll give you mine, so stop taking her life!"

I lost her again, and I was about to go insane.

"Just take me instead." I broke down into sobs, almost like a child. "I'm begging you... Just stop."

The way I kept losing her in many ways no matter what I did, it was simply so unfair and revolting.

She thanked me for loving someone like her.

I should be the one saying that. Thank you for loving this pitiful man, who failed you many times. Perhaps it's true, I do not deserve you.

A thought suddenly crossed my mind.

Should I just disappear?

I already lost her. What's the point of living?

In the event that she revives as somebody else, it doesn't change the fact that she's already in love with another man. She won't come back to me.

Besides, I only caused her pain and suffering. If I die right here and now, would it make her happy?

Right.

I should just kill myself to atone for my sins.

With that thought in mind, I grabbed my sword. At the same time, I held the deceased Kallen's hand.

Just when I was about to slit my own throat, the door swung open and a bevy of guards stormed inside along with the imperial princess herself.

As soon as she saw what I was trying to do, Her Highness flinched. A frown crossed her face.

"What are you doing, Grand Duke Averill?"

I stared at her absentmindedly.

"Do you intend to kill yourself?" she queried.

"Yes." I replied without an ounce of hesitation.

Her jaw clenched upon hearing my answer. To my surprise, the princess took out her own sword and swung it upwards, sending my own blade flying.

"What about your subjects in the north?" Her Highness asked sharply. "Who's going to lead them? You don't even have a rightful heir."

I trembled in shame. "I do not care anymore."

"Say that again!" The princess pointed her sword on my neck. "Are you really going to abandon the place that your family has been safeguarding for countless generations, all because of a woman?"

She wouldn't understand.

I spent my whole life serving them, and when I finally choose to love and be happy, the very empire I swore to protect resorted to treachery.

They executed Isabelle during my absence. While I was busy defending the frontline, they killed the love of my life. That's where it all went wrong.

My life went downhill from that point.

"You can't die yet." Princess Odette remarked firmly. "I will rise to the throne. I need you."

"Just let me die." I said through gritted teeth.

"Alistair!" Her voice thundered across the room, frustrated. "The story is not even finished!"

"What does that have to do with this?!"

"It means that the person who made our lives miserable haven't paid for their sins yet!" She pointed out, eyes ablaze. "You cannot die now!"

And then it suddenly hit me. She was right. The devil and her contractor are still in my lands.

The woman I married, Ruth Alessia di Camellia, was so evil and vile in nature. She sold her soul to the devil, who was in the body of Lady Marchetti.

Ruth betrayed Isabelle and drove her to death.

They are my enemies.

"Stand up, Your Grace." Princess Odette urged me softly. "We cannot let them trample on our lives more than they already have. We must win this."

The imperial princess offered her hand to me.

"Take my hand, Grand Duke Averill." She stated with conviction. "I may not know the depth of your pain, but I can assure you with one thing."

Her eyes were brimming with determination.

"You are not alone in this fight." Her Highness enunciated. "I am Louisiana Odette von Solaris, and I declare myself to be the next ruler of the empire. Lend me your strength, Your Grace."

At that time, I had no way of knowing that it was the same hand I would be holding on my deathbed.

Even so, I spent the rest of my life reminiscing about the seasons I shared with my first love.

As years passed, my love for her gradually turned into regret, then it became a scintilla of longing.

I learned to live without her, but I never learned to love somebody else, unfortunately. I ultimately kept my oath that she's the only girl I would ever love.

I mourned during spring, the season I lost her.

I loathed summer, the season I betrayed her.

Despite that, I only had one wish. I prayed that she would finally be free from the chains of this novel, and that she attains the happiness she deserves.

Even after the story ended, I stayed in that fall.

I stayed in that season, unmoving and wistful.

Scarred all over, yet completely immovable.

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Thank you for your kind words in the previous chapter! I hope all of you are also doing well.

Yours Truly,
Aomine-san