Client Username : xx-ni-kx
Editor Wattpad Username : ineedutoomuch
No. of chapters edited : 7 + prologue
What did you edit? : general line editing

Overall Feedback On Book

While editing your story, I noticed a few different things that I would like to bring your attention to.

But first, I have to say, I just adore the characters. Like, so much. Each person has their own personality, aspirations, and little idiosyncrasies that are simply wonderful to read about! And their interactions with each other? Raw, clever, and honestly some of the best writing I've seen in a while. Great job, keep going!

Regarding the grammar, however, I did notice a few inconsistencies throughout the text. Allow me to guide you through all the suggestions I have to improve your story!

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— Most non-technical writing styles recommended spelling out the numbers. I personally spell out numbers from one to one hundred, and use numerals beyond that. Of course, not for dates, time, and the like, but casual usage should be in word form.

Since you don't stick to a particular style, it's more of a personal preference thing, but your writing will look much more professional if you do!

"Not so early... she's only 11!" vs. "Not so early... she's only eleven!"

— To mark an interruption in dialogue, hyphens were used.

Well, at the beginning of the story. Towards the end, I noticed em dashes (—) indicating the cut-offs. Good for you on catching that! It's grammatically correct, so keep it up.

(I fixed all the hyphenated cut-offs so you don't have to go back, but remember to keep using em dashes! ^^)

Maybe a little too good, because now I see em dashes being used to show stuttering. Here's one:

"Perfect. That sounds p—perfect," mumbled Kiara.

Granted, I only saw a few cases, but I'm still going to remind you that stuttering always calls for hyphens!

So, em dashes for interruptions and parenthetical content, hyphens for everything else.

— While I admire your expansive vocabulary, oftentimes, the words sound nice but don't make sense. For example:

[...] and only his eyes, which felt like solitude in this hardship of a world.

Reads fine. Poetic, nice, flowy. However, the definition is awkward.

"Solitude in this hardship of a world" roughly translates to "desolation in this suffering of a world." A little odd, and probably not what you're looking for.

Yes, experiment with cool words and play around with their feeling, but do double-check their definitions before actually using them. :)

— It's more prevalent at the beginning of your story, but still present in the latter parts so I'll say it anyway: there's an abundance of Kiara's. (Yes, that was a reference.)

And Theo's. And Larissa's, for that matter.

What I mean is, character names are being called up all over the place and it's getting a little old.

To give you an idea, in the (unedited) prologue of your story alone, Larissa says the word "Kiara" exactly eleven times. That's a lot of "Kiara"s, especially since she's the only person Larissa could be referring to.

We, the readers, understand that Larissa is speaking to Kiara. You don't need to keep reminding us, haha.

I noticed a pattern with this one. The overuse is centered in the dialogue addresses.

It's especially obvious in the (unedited) prologue. In the first page-and-a-half, literally every time Larissa begins to talk, "Kiara," starts her sentence.

Since Kiara is the only other person in the scene, this detail is superfluous and adds no real value to the exchange. Certainly, people tend to say the other's name a lot when they're haranguing them, but not to this extent!

TL;DR, tone it down on the name-calling. Literally, haha. It'll help the flow a lot, since the readers are now focusing on the content and not every character being addressed. :)

— Ah, yes. Ellipses (...). Such notorious little dots.

First thing to know is that you're writing in Unicode, which is the default for most word processors like Google Docs and Word. So, not a professional writing style, but it does have a few rules of its own.

One is that the character should be connected with the preceding word, but have a space before the following. Like so: [example]... [example]

Some processors like Google Docs auto-generate the Unicode ellipsis when you press the space bar after it, but if you're writing directly in Wattpad, you won't get this. I would still recommend adding the space for consistency, though!

Now, here's something to keep in mind: an ellipsis always has three dots. Always! So, two- and greater-than-five dot ellipses are out of the question. I occasionally see these in your writing, so keep an eye out for them.

However, there's a slight exception to this. The four-dot ellipsis. But it doesn't actually have four dots, it's just an ellipsis with a period!

This is a little tricky to explain, so I'll link an article for your reference. (Remember, this is Docs-only and won't show up on Wattpad.) The article doesn't list examples for Unicode, so I'll put them below.

Three-dot, trailing off: But she said...

Four-dot, complete sentence: But she said to wait for her....

— You seem to utilize dialogue tags a lot, to the point of overuse. It's a common habit in writers, but can severely reduce reader understanding and enjoyment if done incorrectly. I'll use this excerpt as an example:

"I didn't want to worry you, [...]" Kiara stated.

This is set in a scene where Kiara and her sister are arguing right after an incident at school, and Kiara's just revealed some crucial info, right?

Well, the dialogue tag is a bit... bland, considering the circumstances. Let me explain.

As you know, the tag in question is "Kiara stated." Stating is a simple verb that means "to express something clearly." It's basically equivalent to "said."

If this is a scene that involves so much emotional turmoil, shouldn't there be more insight into the character's feelings? It's a great opportunity to develop personalities while also giving the reader a view into who they are as a character.

I would replace "stated" with a more dynamic verb, or better, a descriptive action.

Kiara crossed her arms tightly. "I didn't want you to worry. [...]"

I think you can see the difference for yourself, haha. This simple sentence alone shows Kiara's more childish side, as well as her slight discomfort at being vulnerable after repressing her emotions/secrets for so long, and it's lively enough that the reader can almost see it happening in their heads.

This isn't to discourage you from using dialogue tags at ALL, of course! They are a valuable tool and should be used, and are especially helpful in certain scenes where description will hinder the pace.

Nevertheless, it's usually better to give more insight into your characters rather than a simple "said" or "asked." This isn't always the case, so be sure to adjust according to the scene and mood you want to set. :)

— Description is an amazing tool. It can bring characters alive, immerse readers in written worlds, and generally increase the quality of your writing. However, it's only effective in modest amounts.

(I know it's strange of me to say this right after I told you to expand on dialogue tags, but hear me out.)

In your writing, I often see unnecessary information that can easily be left to the reader to infer. Here's an example:

Lost in her thoughts, Kiara continued reading the book in her hand. To her, her sister's shouting was just sounding like a distant whisper.

The detail about Kiara's book being in her hand seems redundant. Also, we already know that her sister is the one shouting from the previous paragraph, so there's no need to explain it here. To top it off, the meaning of "distant whisper" is slightly off, so we'll replace it with an adjective that better explains the situation.

Lost in her thoughts, Kiara continued reading. To her, all the shouting was just a faint whisper.

There's a lot less information and the words flow more smoothly, but the message is still loud and clear. Conciseness is key!

— Please proofread before publishing!

A considerable number of the mistakes I found in your writing were small errors that are easy to catch and correct, like capitalization slip-ups or tiny misspellings. So, please, give your work a quick read-over before you make it public.

You wouldn't want to let a typo get in the way of your fantastic writing, would you? ;)

***

Well, that concludes all the feedback that I have for you!

Of course, it is entirely up to you whether you apply my advice or not. They're only suggestions, after all. But if you'd at least take them into consideration, then I'm sure your writing will become even closer to perfection than it already is.

It was a pleasure to be your editor. I wish you the best of luck on your writing journey! :)

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