Peeta's POV:

I sit huddled up on the corner of the stairs. My head in my hands and sobs wracking my whole body.
What have I just done?
It had been so long, so long since this had happened. And now they were back, and it wasn't just a minor one, it was a massive one. I look around me and all I can see is the destruction that I have just caused. Pictures we built up over the years, smashed across the floors, paintings I spent so much time and put so much effort into, ripped to shreds. And worst of all.... Katniss curled up on the ground holding her side in agony where I threw the chair at her, crying and gasping to get air back into her. Haymitch stands in front of me, panting and clutching the shade of the lamp, the rest of which is now showered around me in scattered shards. I can feel the hot blood trickling down over my ear from where he smashed me. I can see the guilt in his eyes now, but if he hadn't done it I would have never forgiven him. Who knows what other damage I could've done if he hadn't knocked me out. Everything we worked for over the past few years has just come crumbling back down. All the trust and bond we managed to regain has disappeared, I know it. I can feel it.

My head pounds and I look down at my hands which are now covered in slick blood. My crying only becomes more uncontrollable and I cannot find words. We stay this way for I don't know how long until I finally manage to choke out one thing.
"I'm sorry Katniss. I'm so sorry." I croak.
But this only makes me wail even more.
"Im sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm a monster." I mumble mixed in with my sobs. "I hate myself. Ugh, I hate myself!" I say distastefully, getting louder and louder.
Here we are, right back at square one. It's as if I never recovered from the hijacking in the first place.
"I HATE MYSELF!" I scream. "IM A MONSTER!" I yell, beginning to punch my fists against my head and gripping and tugging at my hair.
The tears stream down my face and mix with the blood on my right cheek.
"Peeta! Stop!" Yells Haymitch, lurching forward and grabbing my wrists.
"Don't touch me! I'm a mutt! I'll hurt you!" I cry.
"Peeta calm down! We can get through this." He says softly.
"No we can't Haymitch! Look at her!" I sob, pointing to Katniss's frail figure in the corner.
She's awake, she was never unconscious. But she can't even look at me.
"I did this, I'm always going to do this. It's never going to go away." I growl and rip my arms away from Haymitch and clamber up the stairs and into one of the spare rooms. There I stay, with the door slammed shut, and my back against it for hours.

At first, I'm a mess. Clawing at my ears, trying to get rid of the voices still sneaking their ways back into my ears. Raking at my face in guilt and agony. But by the end of it, I am empty.
Why me? Why did this have to happen to me? To us?
We don't deserve this, no one does. And it's all my fault.
I draw a shaky breath, my eyes dry of tears, their only remainder being the sticky trails left on my cheeks and my bloodshot, puffy eyes. I here muffled feet shuffling up the stairs so I move off of the door and crawl up onto the bed in the centre of the room. I sit in the centre of the bed and hold my knees while I burry my face in my lap, not wanting to face Haymitch after what just happened.
"Oh Peeta." A soft voice whispers when the door creaks open.
That is not Haymitch. My head shoots up in terror before I remember that it is all fake. It's not real, I tell myself.
It's not real.
"Go away." I say with my voice cracking and tears threatening to fall again. "Peeta, don't say that." She says with her voice full of hurt.
"Katniss." I breathe out. "I'm so sorry, I don't know what else I can say and I know you probably hate me and don't want to come near me but I'm sorry. I never want to hurt you again and I think you should just stay away for your own safety." I say all at once as I start to cry again.
"You know I can't do that. We are in this together." She says coming over to me.
"Yes, but how will I live with myself if I do anything to you?" I sob.
"You won't do that, I know you won't." She says sternly.
"Yes I will Katniss!" I snap. "You don't know what it's like! These flashbacks, they are so real! The whole world disappears around me. I forget everything. Who I am. I'm just back in Snow's dungeon being his puppet again, mindlessly." I explain tiredly.
She just watches me with sad eyes.
"Loosing you was the worst thing that ever happened to me. Because everything that we had, everything that we wanted and wished for was washed away just like that. In one second. We didn't even get a proper goodbye." I say quietly.
"What do you mean loosing me? I lost you!" She says slightly angrily.
"Yes you did but did it ever occur to you that I lost you too?" I say annoyed. "Because every memory, every moment is gone. All I have is these horrible images that I can't even begin to explain, I know they aren't real now, but all I know of what we used to have is what I'm told. I can only believe what I was told of the girl I was so madly in love with. I choose to believe it. I want to believe it. Because I do believe it. I can feel it all again now days, but I just can't remember what it was like back then." I cry through gritted teeth, getting angry at the Capitol again for doing this to me.
"Our lives will never be normal ever again Katniss." I continue. "Because someway, somehow, this monster is always gonna find it's way back into our lives."
"No it won't, we can stop it." She whispers encouragingly.
"I thought I had a hold on it! I thought I had control again! Because it had been years. But clearly I don't, look at us. Anytime I could snap again, I didn't even see this one coming." I snarl, wiping fresh blood from my head wound. "The Capitol is always going to have a hold on me, I am weak. It's my fault. And I'm sorry."
"Don't ever say that Peeta. Don't you dare." Glares Katniss. "I love you. And I know you love me."
"I do! I just, don't want to hurt you anymore." I cry.
"You are what fixes me, Peeta. Without you, I would be dead. I can't survive without you. So please, stay with me?" She says calmly.
"Always." I sigh.
"Good, now let's get you cleaned up." She mumbles, walking into the bathroom.
When she returns she holds a damp, warm face cloth and wipes my face before dabbing my cut. I wince but she maintains her composure and cleans it well.

Once she has wrapped a bandage around my head it is dark outside so we move into our own room and climb into bed, both of us exhausted. I don't know what happened to Haymitch but I must apologise to him later.
"We will get through this Katniss." I whisper into her hair as I gently hold her, finally coming back to my senses.
Tonight, I will be cautious and not feel right holding her so tightly, afraid of what my arms could do. But that doesn't stop her from pulling herself right in close to me.
"I promise." I continue. "I'm not saying it will be easy, because it won't. Not everything will be okay. But we can manage it. Because we have each other." I finish and place a kiss on her forehead before drifting off to sleep.