"so, halloween is coming up," katsumi said as she inhaled smoke.

"yeah," matsu replied simply.

"we should match," katsumi suggested.

"hmm, i don't think so," the dark haired boy said, "i might not dress up at all," he said as katsumi handed the blunt to him.

"ahh, issei! you're no fun," she whined. hanamaki winced at the use of his first name. he felt so hopeless, but he wasn't going to let them know.

"i think you should dress up," hanamaki commented, watching as mastu took a puff then blew the smoke softly into the playgrounds direction.

"and what? match you?" he asked, a smirk spread on his face.

"no, i'm matching ushiwaka," makki lied.

"oh, seriously?" matsukawa asked furrowing his brows a bit but quickly relaxing them as if to seem unphased.

"yep," he replied simply.

"you guys are so cute," katsumi commented, and for a split second makki believed she was speaking of him and matsu. "aren't him and ushijima cute?" she asked mastukawa.

"yeah," he replied dryly.

"ah, i have to pee," she said then looked up at the sky, she was clearly less tolerant of weed than both of them.

"there's a bathroom right there," matsukawa said gesturing toward a large shack looking building a hefty way from the playground.

"that's so far," she complained, "issei, come with me," she said.

"wha- for what?" he asked.

"c'mooon," she begged.

"it's just right there, not far at all, i'll watch you walk and everything," he said.

"ughh, fine," she whined. she got up and began heading towards the bathrooms, leaving matsukawa and hanamaki alone. she dissapeared into the shack.

matsukawa turned to me, "why are you doing this?" he asked.

"doing what?" he replied, a bit startled.

"coming to the park like this, when you knew i was here with katsumi," he said.

"i just wanted to see you, i didn't know mom and dad would leave me stranded with you two like this," hanamaki said furrowing his brows a bit. "why are you so upset, do you not want to see me that badly?" he asked.

"that isn't it," he said.

"then what is it, matsu," he replied sternly.

"it's just-," he began, "i just-," he continued, "hanamaki, i-"

"what?" he asked, urging the boy to speak his mind.

matsukawa glanced at the shack, most likely to see if katsumi was coming back yet, she wasn't, he turned back to face makki. "hanamaki," he said taking a deep breath, "i like you," he said.

what?! hanamaki thought, his heart began to race and his cheeks heated up.

"what?!" he spoke his own mind.

"i like you," he repeated, "i know, i'm an asshole, i know i am, and i don't deserve you-"

no, not true

"it's just, i don't know what's wrong with me, it's like-" he paused, "i know i like you, i know i do but i just, i don't know how to act upon it, i know how to flirt-"

well, yeah

"but i don't know how to go further than that, i mean, i've never really been in a relationship-"

wow, he's a chatterbox today

"and talking to only one person-" he paused again, "i'm going to sound like an asshole again," he said, "it's really tough for me-"

are you serious? hanamaki was beginning to grow a bit upset.

"but lately," matsukawa said softly. hanamakis anger dissapeared. "it's become easy," he said furrowing his brows as he looked hanamaki in the eyes. "you may not see it, but i sure as hell can feel it," he said, "when i compliment katsumi and she replies, i just think, 'i bet makki's reply would've been different'," he said softly, "or when i call her something like 'babe', it feels so fucking empty," he said, his eyes beginning to well with tears, he averted his gaze from makkis. "but i stick around, to have her, because i can't have you," he said glancing at the floor then over at the playground, then back to hanamaki. makki's felt tears prick the corner of his eyes.

"matsu.." he replied softly. i have so many questions, what does he mean he can't have me, and what does he mean he thinks of me when he talks to katsumi or other girls.

"sorry," he said simply, wiping his tears with the collar of his t-shirt. "i don't really cry, this is weird," he said with a small chuckle.

this. this was the matsukawa that hanamaki fell for. not the one who talks to other girls, not the one who lies. but the one who makes him feel like he was the only person who could make matsu feel things. things like sadness.

"but matsu," hanamaki said, catching the dark haired boys attention. "you do have me," he said softly, "even if it's not physically, trust me you do have me emotionally," he admitted.

"but.. what about ushijima?" he asked, "and i mean- how can i have you physically?" he asked.

"sure ushijimas cute, but he's nothing compared to you," he said, causing matsukawa to give his signature dorky half smile then looking down at the table.

"oh," he said simply.

"and-" hanamaki continued, matsu looked up quickly from the table, "on having me," he paused, "it's so much easier than you think," he said with a small sigh, "if you're going to like me and 'have' me," he said then smiled a bit, "only have me," he said, his smile growing a bit. they looked at eachother for a second before matsukawa spoke up.

"well, i- um, we should probably get going, huh?" he asked rhetorically, and as if on cue katsumi swung open the doors of the shack, walking over to us. she glanced at makki then looked at matsukawa,

"woah, what happened, are you crying?" she asked, "no way, 'mr. i never cry is crying'," she said with a laugh. "did you get something in your eye?" she continued.

"yeah, makki blew smoke into my face," he lied, "very funny," he said raising one brow a bit as he looked over to hanamaki. "oh but, it's late, i think we should get home,"

"am i coming over your place?" she asked.

matsukawa hesitated, glancing at makki before looking back at katsumi.

only have me, he pleaded in thought, show me you only want me.

"nah, i don't think so," matsu said, "actually, um- katsumi, i don't think we should see eachother anymore," he said.

"what?!" she asked, "why?" her eyes began to well with tears.

"don't cry, i just don't want to hurt you by being invested into someone else," he said.

"someone else?" she asked.

---

a/n: AHHHH emotions