And nothing happened.

"Well, I tried," Arthur wiped his brow. "Didn't work. Maybe we can throw some sticks and leaves on top of her and hide her from the wolf."

"That was the worst kiss I've ever seen in my life," Gretel said.

"What? That's how I kiss my Nana," Arthur said.

"Yeah, and that's the problem!" Gretel flung her hands up in exasperation. "No one's going to wake up from a kiss like that! You barely touched her!"

"I touched her!" Arthur said. "There was some incidental lip on lip contact!"

"That barely qualified as a peck," Gretel shook her head in disgust.

"I've got to agree," Hamlet spoke up. "That was some weak sauce. Do better."

"All right, all right!" Arthur rubbed his eyes with his thumb and forefinger. "I'll give it another go. This just feels really wrong, you know what I mean? I feel like a total creep. And it doesn't help that you two are hovering over me. It creates a lot of pressure. You think you could go stand over on the other side of the clearing or something?"

"No, Gretel crossed her arms across her middle. "I'm going to stay right here and make sure you do this right."

Hamlet pulled out the bag of trail mix and started munching on it.

"Fine," Arthur said. "But you guys are making this weirder than it already is. Jeez, I wish now I'd taken the time to brush my teeth back at the witch's house." He cracked his knuckles and then leaned down again. This time he pressed his mouth firmly on the sleeping princess's lips.

"That's better," Gretel said. "Now maybe put a little tongue into it."

"I think that's quite enough," Arthur said as he broke the kiss and stood back up. "It's either going to work this time or it's not going to work at all."

They stared at the sleeping woman with bated breath. After a moment her eyes started to flutter and she began to stir. "What the-?" she yawned as she sat up slowly. "Where am I?"

"You're in the Enchanted Forest," Gretel said. "Someone put a sleeping spell on you and left you out here."

"Not again," the princess muttered. "That's like the third time that's happened in the past year. Anyway, which one of you woke me up?"

"He did," Gretel and Hamlet said at the same time as they pointed at Arthur.

"At your service, ma'am," he said as he gave a little bow. He wasn't sure, but he thought he saw a look of disappointment pass across the princess's face.

"Oh, I see," she said. "Well, I suppose I owe you my gratitude. So what kingdom are you in line to inherit?"

"Uh, none," Arthur said. "I'm not a prince."

"You're not?" the princess frowned. "It's usually princes who come to the rescue. You're at least rich, right?"

"Not particularly," Arthur said. "If anything I'm probably undercompensated for the work that I do. I've been trying to put a little bit away for retirement, but rent and groceries are expensive these days."

"I see," she said as she stood up and straightened out her long fancy dress. "Well, it was nice meeting you, but I'd better get back home. My boyfriend is probably worried sick about me."

"If he was so worried, then why didn't he come and rescue you?" Arthur asked.

"I'm sure he was on his way. He probably just got sidetracked, um, slaying a dragon or, um, rescuing a village from an ogre or something." The princess's eyes darted from side to side.

"Do you even have a boyfriend?" Arthur asked.

"What?" the princess avoided eye contact with him. "Ha ha. What a silly question. Of course I do. His name is, um, Chris..." Her eyes swept around the clearing. "Oak tree. Chris Oaktree. That's his name. We met at a ball and we're in love and we're getting married and having lots of babies. Anyway, I'd better get going. I'm looking forward to a hot bath and a massage. That platform I was sleeping on was almost as uncomfortable as the time someone put a pea underneath all my mattresses. I couldn't sleep a wink that night, I'll tell you what."

"Wait!" Arthur called out after her. "Before you go, do you think you could help us find Prince Charming? At least point us in the direction of his castle?"

"Prince Charming?" the princess's face fell. "That guy's a total pig. Uh, no offense."

"None taken," Hamlet said as he licked some trail mix powder off his palm. "I'm friends with a lot of pigs. We're awful."

"Tell me about it," the princess said. "He woke me from a sleeping enchantment one time and told me I was the most breathtaking sleeping beauty he'd ever seen and that he was sure it was true love. And then I never heard from him again. No letters, no invitations to balls, no messages tied to crows. Nothing. If I ever see that guy again I'm going to give him a piece of my mind."

"We could give him a message for you, if you would be so kind as to tell us where we can find him," Arthur said.

"He's off over that way somewhere," the princess gestured vaguely towards some trees with her hand. "Or is it that way over there? Eh, he's somewhere in that direction. If you see him tell him he's a dirty, filthy, porridge for brains pig. No offense."

"Again, none taken," Hamlet said. "It's all true."

"Well, good luck," the princess said. "And now I must be off." She lifted the hems of her dress and disappeared into the trees.

"Maybe we should follow her," Arthur said. "She might not lead us to Prince Charming, but at least we could get out of this forest."

Somebody sneezed behind them. They turned around to see a very short man with a long white beard. He was dressed in dirty mining gear and wore a floppy hat on top of his head. "Pardon me," he said. "I know where you can find Prince Charming. I'll tell you but I need a favor first."

"What sort of favor?" Arthur asked.

"We've got a fair maiden in the next clearing over who's in the same predicament as that princess was. Sleeping spell. A witch gave her a poison apple and she hasn't woken up since. My six buddies are keeping an eye on her, but we need someone to kiss her and wake her up."

"Not another witch," Arthur groaned. "I've had enough of those to last me a lifetime."

"If it helps, I'm pretty sure it was an evil queen disguised as a witch," the little man said. "Look, it doesn't matter. The old crone isn't around here right now anyway. We just need you to come do your thing and break the spell for us. Follow me. It's not far."

"Gee, I don't know," Arthur said. "We're kind of on a tight schedule here. We wasted a lot of time with that princess and it's already put us behind, so I'm afraid-."

"We'd be happy to help," Gretel said as she nudged Arthur in the ribs.

"All right then," Arthur said. "I'll just roam around the forest kissing random women while they're asleep. Nothing weird about that."

They followed the little man a short distance through the trees until they came to another clearing. As promised, there was another young woman asleep on a little bed in the middle of a patch of flowers. This one had short dark hair with a red bow tied in it. She was surrounded by six more little men with long white beards that looked nearly identical to the one who had led them here.

"Cheer up, fellas," the first little man said. "I've brought help!"

"Huzzah!" the men let out a collective cheer.

"We just need this guy to give her a good smooch," he said as he pointed at Arthur. "So have at it, pal."

"Really?" Arthur asked. "You just want me to walk up there and lay one on her?"

"You've already done it once," Gretel said. "What's the big deal?"

"Yeah, but it was weird the first time and now there's not just you two hanging around. There's seven of those Dwarfs watching me, too. You guys are Dwarfs, right? Or is it little people? Dwarf isn't an offensive term, is it?"

"Why would we be offended by that?" the first one said. "We're proud of our Dwarf heritage."

"What's the matter, is this guy prejudiced against Dwarfs or something?" one of the other Dwarfs glared at Arthur menacingly.

"No, no, I'm a big fan of Dwarfs." Arthur shook his head. "I just want to make sure I'm using the correct terminology. Like, it used to be okay to say 'midgets,' but now apparently that's frowned upon."

The Dwarfs exchanged glances among themselves and let out a grumble.

"This guy seems like he's got some kind of problem with us," another Dwarf said.

"Look, there's no reason for anyone to get upset here," Arthur was starting to sweat uncontrollably. "I'll just kiss your friend here and then we can all go our separate ways, okay? I'm just trying to help. And make sure everyone's being treated in a respectful manner while we're at it."

"Is this fella suggesting we're being disrespectful of him?" another Dwarf said as he punched a fist into an open hand.

"No, you all seem very polite and well mannered. I'm hoping you're the grumpy one, although you all seem kind of grumpy. Isn't one of you supposed to be happy? Can I talk to him?"

"What, now he's telling us we need to smile more?" another Dwarf said. "I think we need to teach him a lesson."

"Uh, anyone want to offer me a little help here?" Arthur looked back at his companions.

"Maybe you should stop running your mouth and just kiss the girl already," Gretel said through gritted teeth.

"All right, if we can all just take it down a notch, I apologize for my insensitivity and, for lack of a better word, stupidity." Arthur held his hands up in a supplicating manner as he made his way slowly towards the bed where the woman laid. "I'm just going to do my thing and then as far as I'm concerned our business here is finished."

"Just a kiss, eh?" one of the Dwarfs said. "Don't try anything funny. We've all got our eyes on you."

"Yeah, yeah, I know the drill," Arthur said. "Just a kiss. I'll get in, I'll get out. It'll be like I was never there. Which won't be difficult since most of my girlfriends seem to feel that way already."

"Hey mate," a particularly grizzled looking Dwarf grabbed Arthur by the arm. "You seem like you're making light of this situation. You think this is some kind of joke? Are you a jester? Because I'll tell you what, Mr. Funnyman, the seven of us take this extremely seriously, and if we need to, we'll let you know exactly how serious we are."

"No, I sincerely appreciate the gravity of the occasion," Arthur said. "This is a somber moment, and it should be treated with a suitable level of dignity and care. Now if you'd be so kind as to release my arm?"

The Dwarf held on for several seconds as he stared Arthur directly in the eyes before finally letting go.

"Thank you," Arthur cleared his throat. "Okay, no more beating around the bush. Let's do this." He leaned over and planted a firm kiss on the woman's lips.

It took a moment, but the woman finally began to come to.

The Dwarfs let out a loud cheer and one of them slapped Arthur on the back a little harder than seemed necessary.

The woman looked around groggily before her eyes focused on Arthur's face. "What did you do?" she asked.

"I broke the vile enchantment that was placed upon you and woke you up with a kiss," Arthur beamed proudly. "You're welcome."

"That was the first decent nap I've gotten in months!" she grabbed him by the collar and shook him vigorously. "Please don't make me go back with those horrible Dwarfs! They treat me like their personal servant and run me ragged!"

"Huh?" Arthur scratched his head.

"Thank the fairies you're awake, Snow White!" a Dwarf shouted. "There's a huge pile of dishes in the sink, the floors need sweeping, all of our clothes need washing, and the beds need to be made. Plus, we're all starving! We need you to whip us up a feast! Then you can get to work dusting the house and cleaning out the fireplace."

"Um, maybe she should come with us," Arthur said.

"And why would she do that?" the particularly grizzled Dwarf said as he gave Arthur a little shove in the chest.

"Maybe she doesn't want to go back with you guys," Arthur tried to puff out his chest a bit and stood on his tiptoes to try to appear bigger.

"Yeah?" the Dwarf asked. "Well, I don't remember anyone asking your opinion, wimp. The girl comes with us. Unless you want to try to take her from us?" All of a sudden the Dwarfs were wielding mining picks in a threatening fashion. Arthur wasn't entirely sure where they'd come from as he hadn't noticed anyone carrying anything before.

"I'm not looking for any fights, guys," Arthur said. "It just seems to me that the lady should have a say in the matter."

"She should!" Gretel shouted. "Since he woke her up with a kiss, she has the right to marry him if she wants and live with him forever and ever."

"Me? Marry him?" Snow White turned and looked Arthur up and down with a vaguely disgusted look on her face. "Gee, I don't know. I'm not really ready to settle down yet. You seem nice and everything, but really. I mean, forever's a long time, isn't it? And really it's not you, it's me. I need to work on myself more before I'm ready for any kind of long term commitments. Thank you for the kind offer and everything, but I think I'll go back with the Dwarfs."

"That's right," one of the Dwarfs said as he grabbed her by the elbow and escorted her away. "Hi ho ho ho, it's off to work you go."

Snow White and the Dwarfs disappeared off into the forest and a moment later all Arthur could hear was the sound of a bird singing in a nearby tree.

"Well, today has not done a lot for my self confidence," he said. "And those Dwarfs didn't hold up their end of the deal, either! They were supposed to tell us how to find Prince Charming!"

"Hey Mister!" a small voice croaked from behind them.

They turned to see a bullfrog wearing a small gold crown sitting on the ground near the treeline.

"What now?" Arthur asked.

"I hear you're giving out kisses to break spells," the frog said. "Well, it must be my lucky day because I'm under an enchantment and I could really use a snogging."

"Oh, for crying out loud," Arthur muttered as he buried his face in his palms.