I was up and dressed before my aunt was up.I had just finished my last piece of toast when she walked in. Her breakfast of pancakes bacon and eggs were sitting on the table. "I want you to pick up all the sticks in the yard then mow it, have fun." She took her plate to the couch to watch the television. I was picking up all of the sticks and it was really hot, but i stuck it out. When i was finally done with that and the mowing i came back in to shower. It was time for me to go to my group therapy.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                

                                   "Do you have to go? i need you to take Bennie for a walk then give him a bath." "If you want your money from the state, then i do." "oh, well then go but hurry home." I walked to the school. "Hey Jess." Said Devin coming up beside me. He pulled his headphones out of his ears and nodded his head to the side to get his bangs out of his eyes. "Hey." I replied back. "How are you?" He asked wrapping the cord to his headphones around his iPod and putting it in his pocket. "Tired." i blew a breath out i didn't realize how tired i was until he asked. "Sorry to hear that, well are you ready for today?" He asked "Not really to be perfectly honest i don't want to think about what happened i'm trying to forget it and talking about it is like opening the wounds all over again." "yeah, i get that, i don't know for me talking about it and actually saying it out loud makes it easier, for one reason when i hear you guys talk about why you got abused i tell myself it wasn't your fault and then it hits me maybe my dad hitting me and doing that stuff to my mom and sister wasn't my fault." "How could it be your fault?"I asked turning to look at him. "i don't know i thought maybe trying to stop him made him madder so he took it out on my sister and mom even more."                                                                                                      

                             I put my hand on his shoulder. "No, your dad sounds like my mom...A jerk...so where is your dad?"i asked "Jail,My mom is a wreck she is so upset that hes been put away. So me and my sister went to live with my grandmaw my mom is in therapy but i'll never go back with her. I hate her for her letting this happen to us. Shes supposed to protect us, and she didn't." "What about you?" "uh My mom is in the crazy house, and my step dad's in Jail I've been living with my aunt." "I bet living there is so much better, like with me and my grandparents." I nodded. "Oh look its time to go in." i said quickly changing the subject.                                                                                                                                                      

                             We walked in and he sat next to me. "OK guys, glad to see you all back. Today were going to talk about why, why you think your abuser did what he/she did to you. Starting with Kami." "Uh...i think maybe because he liked to be in control, he liked things to go his way, and if one thing was out of place he couldn't let it go until it got 'fixed', he was truly crazy when i tried to pull away it just made it worse. He definitely had anger problems. And because i let him. Yeah i didn't break up with him and end the cycle. I mean i tried to but he refused and i didn't get help"                                                                                                  

                         "OK that's great, guys what do you think?" Asked Mr Stein. I raised my hand. "Kami i am really sorry he did this, and he did not do this because you let him. He is a guy who is clearly stronger you. You couldn't of stopped him. Even if you had broken up with him he might of found you and it could of been even worse." I said smiling. "I know but he made me feel loved that's why i took it for so long, and when he screwed up he apologized in the most elaborate ways. It was hard to say no."                    

                        Devin raised his hand. "I know what you mean my mom told me for months that she was going to get me and my sister out, I knew she wasn't going to deep down but she's my mom so i trusted her. A very bad thought was maybe if i got hurt bad enough from my dad that she would put an end to it. She never did."                                                                                                                                                                                     "OK Devin lets go onto you. You said your dad beat you and your sister and mom why?" "He beat me because i stopped him several times from touching my sister, and hurting my mom. He touched her because something about my little sister turned him on." His voice rising and cracking "That sick bastard." He sobbed tears streaming down his face. "He beat my mom because she let him i mean sure she tried to stop him but in the end she didn't leave. Maybe in some way she deserved it. You should have enough self respect to stop it for yourself but your kids? They can't defend them selves you should've done something. I don't know i guess she loved him, and he was the father of her two kids. If i ever see him again..." He stopped himself.                                                                                                                                                                                      "That's a natural response, anger for the one who abused you. But you have to eventually let it go. It's over and he can't hurt you anymore." He nodded his head. "Guys?" "I get you, you think if you turn him in or try to get you and your sister out it will just make it worse. That he'll somehow find you now that he's gone." Said Kami. "Once Aaron was put away i laid awake at night so afraid he was going to break out and come find me." She said finishing. "Any body else?" "Devin i am so sorry for what your dad did to you guys, but hurting your dad won't fix anything." I said simply.                                                                                                                                                                                                                              "Jess." he turned to me. "Well my dad died when i was fourteen, he was coming to pick me up from cheer-leading practice, he got in a car accident on the way. My mom blames me for the whole thing. Mainly because when i asked if i could join my mom said no. She was in Jr high once and all the cheerleaders were stuck up. So i wasn't allowed to join. My dad thought it was a great idea so he signed the papers. She kept saying if i would of done what she wanted he'd still be alive. She got remarried to Carl the next year, he was always trying stuff with me.  He beat me because i wouldn't do anything with him and my mom beat me because she blamed me for my dads death and because i guess in some weird twisted way she was jealous. Like i said if she could bring be down he wouldn't want me as much, but that didn't stop him."                                                                                                                     "Do you know why she was jealous?" Mr Stein asked. "It;s weird." i said. "Because this is her husband, he is attracted to another person, one who happens to be her daughter." I sighed. "Do you recollect him ever cheating on your mom?" Mr. Stein asked. "No, he just tried stuff with me." "Ok well now we see a bit from where your mom was coming from." Mr. Stein said.                                                                           

                               I let out a sigh. "Comments?" asked Mr stein. Reggy raised his hand "Jealousy can make you do some   crazy stuff, Your mom has no right to blame you for your dad dying, so don't blame yourself." I had been, my mom told me everyday that it was my fault, even after she remarried. That i was a stupid little girl and a bad cheerleader.                                                                                                                                               "Reggy." Mr. Stein pointed for him to go. "Because my brothers were jealous, my parents didn't love me any more then they loved them, its just i was the baby. They thought if they could make my life so miserable then i'd run away from home and they could have my parents all to there self. My brothers really do have something wrong with them. That is why they were sent away. I mean i think back to how my parents treated all of us and it was the same. I know this sounds weird but i hope someday i can fix this with my brothers, i always looked up to them."                                                                                       

                   "That's not weird at all. I'm very proud of you." Said Mr stein. "Anybody have anything?" Kami raised her hand. "I know what you mean there were days after Aaron got sent away that i wanted to be back with him, but i know it wasn't safe, but if you have the chance to make up with your brothers, then i hope you do. After they get the help they need they will be able to be the brothers they never were."She said.                                                                     

                              "OK Brad." "My teacher, he was attracted to me, That makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it. He was i guess into guys, he would try to hit on me several times and say sexual comments to me. He would lock me in his room and corner me. I thought of calling for a teacher or yelling but the one time i did he kneed me so hard that i was sore for a week and had to sit out a week for football. He gave me really good grades even if i didn't study as well and i felt like crap because i wanted to earn my grade so i studied extra hard to make sure that i didn't fail."                                                                               

                      I raised my hand. "I know exactly what you mean, in my case it was because i knew what would happen if i told. My mom and Carl would get sent away. I had no where else to go. And she was my mom i loved her, even though she did this, we all have our reasons for not telling. When my dad was alive she was a great mom, that's one reason why i was so apt about telling."                                                          

                         Devin raised his hand. "I...I..."tears ran down his face."i didn't tell because my dad told me if i did he would find my sister and kill her, he told me no matter where i went he would find her. That even if he got locked away he would find a way to make sure she died. That he had buddies on the outside who would kill for nothing. My little sister is my whole entire world i would die for her.i couldn't let him do this to her. I feel like a terrible big brother. The times that he did do stuff were when he hurt me bad enough and i was in the hospital and couldn't leave to stop him. Or when i was at school he would check her out. Or at night he would sneak in her room eventually i started sleeping with her."He wiped at his eyes.                                                                                                                                                                               Brad raised his hand "The number one thing to remember here is that you tried to save her, that's all that counts i'm sure if you ask her,  she will say your a great brother." "Thanks man." He did that head shake thing again. "Well anything else?" Asked Mr stein. Nobody had anything. "Emily?" It was her turn, she cleared her throat. "Because he was drunk i guess, when i was younger e wasn't a bad uncle or anything but he lost his job, and my aunt left him. It upset him so bad. So he turned to alcohol. When he drank he became a different person. I thought if i could just get him help, then he would stop drinking and become the uncle i even liked on occasion. But he refused. Said if i told my mom he'd really hurt me and my sister."                                                                                                                                                      "Any body have anything?" "Man i hate to hear that, Aaron never drank he just did...do you think if he got help you could learn to love him again?" "Not after what he did." She said. "OK guys you all are making great progress, anything else?" "We had nothing So we all trudged out.                                               

                       "Can i give you a ride?" Asked Devin. "Sure thanks." "can i interest you in lunch?" "uh...i have to get home." "That's what you said last week." Devin said. I opened the door and climbed in. He cranked his car. "well i do." "why?" "just leave it alone you wouldn't understand." "Hey i come here every week just like you do, tell me i wont understand." "Look i don't want to talk about it but we can go grab lunch." My aunt knows i go to meetings and its mandatory by the state for her to get her check i'll make up something. And i'm only agreeing so he will drop it and not get suspicious. I don't need him asking any more questions. "Where to?" "anywhere is fine." "well what do you feel like?" i had been eating crap since i had been at my aunts, what did i want? "Hm lets go to chick-fil-a." "OK sounds great." He pulled out in the direction of chick-fil-a.                                                                                                                 

                                "So how did your dad break your arm?" i asked gesturing. "Well it was at night my dad had my sister on the couch, my mom was in the bed. I shifted and realized she was gone i ran as fast as i could. I tried to pull him off of her. He reached back and punched me.  I screamed for my sister to run. He kicked me in the stomach and then he body slammed me to the ground. Which was my arm it snapped. My mom heard the noise and came running, i told her i couldn't move it so she grabbed my sister kenzie and took me to the emergency room. The nurse wanted to know what happened. I made up an excuse but she didn't buy it. Then something in my head went off. My sister is getting touched by my own father. I hate him for doing that to her, this is no way for a six year old to live. I am a terrible big brother! I have to tell someone. If my dad gets put away and does come after her well he's got me to deal with, i'm sick of him doing this to us. So i told the nurse what really happened. When my dad tried to take her home the nurse wouldn't let him, and the cops came and took both of them."                                                                                                                                                                                                                              "wow i'm so sorry. did it always get that bad?" "always I've had a bloody nose, head, lip and pretty much anywhere else. He's beaten me with pool sticks and tried to choke me with ropes, and this is the man i called my father." "was he always like that?" "no, not until my sister was born, when she turned four it started. For two years i dealt with his crap, we live with my grand parents now and take really good care of us." "That's great, my aunt shes....nice." i said trying to think of something to say. "Do you have chores at your grandparents house?" I asked out of curiosity. "A few, she says shes training me up so that when i get out on my own i can do all this for myself." "right, like what kind of stuff?" I asked "usually just the dishwasher, Kenzie helps my grandmaw with the laundry, she likes to fold the wash rags." "That's cute, Kenzie sounds awesome i'd love to meet her sometime." "i'd love for you to meet her, she'd really like you."                                                                                                       

                          He pulled into the parking lot. We got out and ran inside. We ordered and sat down. "So, when did you finally tell?"He asked. "i didn't, my neighbor found out. She kept hearing the noises in the house, and called the cops when they came it was quite clear what had happened from my black eye and bloody nose." "Weren't you going to tell?" he asked. "At first it crossed my mind but my mom kept pounding it into my head that nobody wanted me and at fourteen i already have a low enough self esteem So i believed her. That if i turned them in nobody would want me and i'd be alone." "Right i understand." He said. "How was it for you." "Well i to wanted to tell, not for me i can take it, but for my sisters sake." "That's just it Devin you shouldn't of had to take it, nobody should. Especially your sister i agree....but you don't deserve that." "i don't know i was like you i felt like i was crap so maybe deep down i deserved it."                                                                                                                                                                                   "Yeah just like me. I sometimes believe i killed my dad." "I'm sure that's not true! What happened?" " Well basically what i said in group when i was fourteen i was a cheerleader it was my world. I loved it, i made so many friends. I got to cheer for the cute football and basket ball players." I laughed. "I had practices three times a week. Monday Wednesdays and Fridays. My mom never really wanted me to do cheer she said all the cheer leaders where stuck up and was worried i'd become stuck up to. But i was daddy's little girl and nothing was to good for me. So he signed my permission slip. He brought me to my practices, and he came to every game cheering in the stands. Not for our schools team but for me. My mom can't dance worth a lick and she tried to tell me some crap about how it wouldn't make me happy. I was fourteen, i just wanted to be well liked. She would start fights with my dad about it. Trying to make him make me quit. I don't really see what the big deal was about cheering, it kept me in shape and i met new people. But as we see sometimes parents do things we just don't understand. One of the Fridays i was waiting for my dad to come. He never showed up. I called my mom to come get me, i told her dad hadn't come she freaked out and started calling around. I knew she wasn't going to come pick me up so i had a friends mom drop me off. When i got home my mom yelled and screamed. But we still didn't know what had happened to my dad. When the cops showed up at the site of the accident they found his id in his car, they called my mom to come identify his body."                                                                                                                                                                                           "Ouch that really sucks. i'm so sorry about your dad, you had nothing to do with the accident." "i know that now, but she thinks because he was coming to get me....my fault, and that if i would of listened to her and not joined the squad he'd still be alive." "that is so sad, but you know what you said about parents doing things we don't understand?" "yeah." "do you think you understand why your step dad hit you or why your mom resented you." "yeah i have reasons, but there is so much more going on in there twisted heads that we'll never see. I mean i told you my reasons today, that's whats on the surface there's more underneath i guess." "right."                                                                           

                            "Do you want to be with your mom again some day?"i asked him dipping a waffle fry into the barbecue sauce. "to be perfectly honest, no... Like i told you this morning she is my mom her main priority is to make sure me and my sister are safe and she didn't do that. whats to say that she won't hook up and marry some other loser now that my dad's in jail and it will happen all over again. I'm just so mad that i came part from him and a part from her.What if i turn out like them? What if i'm just like my dad, for the last few years it's all I've known. I don't know, it scares me. That was my role model. I don't want to be anything like her! She's a bad mom. And my dad... doing what he did. I love my sister so much, what if i have a little girl of my own and want to do that. I hope for her sake i wont because i love her. But i thought my dad loved kenzie...and look what he did."He said his voice raising slightly                                                                                                                                                                                                                              "What was it like growing up?" I asked. "Terrible i spent my life living in fear i don't think i ever had one happy moment in my life." "weren't Christmas's good? birthdays?" I asked taking a bite of my chicken. "no my grandparents and other relatives gave us stuff b/c they knew my parents didn't. They just assumed they couldn't afford to get us stuff. They could, they just didn't care enough to do it. I mean we spent a few weeks a year with my grandparents and that was nice, but my dad threatened me and told me if i said anything... like i said he would kill my sister. So going over to my grandparents, they usually asked how things were at home. I got really good at lying. I didn't want them to think something was up and start digging." He nodded. "I understand that." I said. "Well now i have something to live for...my dad's gone and for once things are good." He said. "That's great."  "Isn't fear a funny thing? You worry so much that if we speak it'll be worse?"  He asked. "Yes, i suppose so." But in my case it would be worse.                                                                                             

                         I smiled playing with the petals on the carnation in the vase.  I wish i had something to live for. "So what or who do you live for?" he asked as if reading my mind. "Uh...i don't have any brothers or sisters." "your parents never had any kids after you?" i shook my head. "I used to wish i had a younger brother or sister, somebody to play with. But then when i think about all the crap my mom and step dad did i'm glad i didn't, i don't want anybody else to have to go through what i did." "I agree my sister is traumatized. i'm scared that she has a negative image of guys. Were not all like that, I've tried to explain to her that my dad is crap and that even though shes only in kindergarten when she does get older she's going to find a good guy who will bring her flowers, she asked would he maybe bring her a pony instead." he laughed. "she sounds so sweet." "She really is." He nodded his head.                                                                                                                                                                                                                      I got up and threw my stuff away. "Thanks for buying me lunch." i told him "You're welcome." We walked outside back to his car. He dropped me off back at my aunts house.