Chapter One
I was sitting in a wooden chair in an empty class room. Me and five other kids where seated in a half circle. We were all here at my high school for one reason, we all had something in common something that tied us together. We had been abused in one way or another. I can't say that this was my ideal way to spend every Saturday in the summer but i didn't have a choice. We were all forced by the state to come here. I mean how messed up is that? You're forced to go to therapy!
I had the option of going to talk to a therapist one on one, but that terrified me. What if i didn't want to talk? Would she make me? Would i have to keep seeing her until i told her everything? That's a scary thought. Here i figured i'm not alone. None of us really want to talk about it but the fact is we need to get this out of us. Or well that's at least what everybody kept telling me. "Kid you can't hold on to this." "Honey i know how you feel, but you need to get this off your chest." "Oh darlin' i know life dealt you a crappy hand but you're not alone." Yea... My personal view: getting it out, is like reopening the scars again. I have to relive every sordid detail so that i can tell these complete strangers what the two people who are supposed to love me more then anything else did to me. I still hold this against my mom and step dad. But i know holding a grudge wont take back all the things they did to me. Then there were voices in my head. Not like crazy voices who tell me to kill myself. Just voices who say things like: I'm a loser and that's why this happened. It was my fault and on some level i deserved this. How messed up is that? I've been here four Saturday's already. Some people talked right away. Some people didn't say anything. I just kept quiet and listened. I didn't know what to say. People would tell me things like they understood. Really? You mean your step dad tried to sleep with you and your mom couldn't say a nice thing to you...ever. I didn't want to say the wrong thing. The first few weeks were pretty easy. We spent time getting to know each other. I felt like these people weren't just strangers here to judge me. And maybe they wouldn't tell me over and over what i already know: I should of told somebody what was going on. The room had been cleared out at the end of the school year, the desks had all been removed. All that remained was a desk which Mr Stein was currently sitting on. Mr Stein was a very tall man. He had grey hair that was balding on top. He looked to be in his forties. He was also a very extrinsic man. He loved to wear bright colored tennis shoes, said they made him feel young. "OK guys today were going to talk about who, who was your abuser. We've spent the last few weeks getting to know each other and some of you even shared some of your story. But now that were all comfortable it's time to get into the thick of it. In order to really get out your story we have to start at the beginning." Mr Stein had opened up to us the first day to make us feel more at ease. He told us that he had two daughters in high school so he could sort of relate."Let's start here with Brad and end with Kami." He pointed since we were all sitting in a semi circle. Brad cleared his throat. He wiped his hands on his pants. The room was quiet for a bit. He finally realized he had to just start talking. "My teacher." He hung his head as if ashamed. "I...i couldn't stop him, i know that sounds dumb. I should of been able to, being that i played football and all. But he was stronger then me and i was so scared. When it first happened. He threatened to fail me. I need good grades for college so i had no choice but to let him do this to me. I may get into a good college for football but that's not a sure thing and my mom was counting on me.." He stopped at that. Brad was a tall and skinny boy, with big muscles. He had very dark hair that was always cut very short. He had dark brown eyes that flashed of anger when he spoke. Next was Emily. "My uncle, i know it sounds weird that my family would do such a thing, You're as shocked as i was the first time it happened. He lived at the house with my mom and dad and my sister. He lost his job and being that he's my moms brother, she immediately offered to let him stay with us. He was our primary care giver when my mom and dad went on business trips. He was always drinking, there were several occasions where one or both of us ended up in the hospital." Emily was a very pretty girl, but you couldn't tell, her hair always hung in her face. I just assumed she was ashamed by the scars on her face as they were pretty big. Her bright green eyes always looked sad. She always wore long sleeves and jeans. She didn't speak very much and she was kind of shy.
Next was Devin. "My dad, He abused me and my little sister. She had it much worse then i did. He actually..." His voice started to shake. I don't blame him for not wanting to tell anybody what he did, heck i'm terrified. "He actually touched her." you could tell this was upsetting him just talking about it. "My dad did unspeakable things to her. She is so young and so little, she can't stop him. I would try to step in to stop him and he would then turn on me. Like Emily said i to had to go to the hospital a few times when it went to far." He held his hand up. "He broke my arm the last time, He also hit my mom, she knew he was scum but she kept promising me she was gonna get us out. Kept saying 'as soon as i get enough money'." Devin had blonde hair, it kind of flipped out at the ends. He was really into music he usually had an i pod plugged in. His eyes danced when he would rock out. They were honey brown and they shone with love and caring. Kind of like the love i imagine he had for his sister. I don't think he wanted to hurt his dad. Just like me and my family, even though they do this to you. You cant stop loving them.
Next was my turn. "My mom and step dad, My step dad tried to do stuff to me and my mom wouldn't let him. She blamed me for my dads death. When Carl my step dad, tried stuff because he thought i was sexy it just drove my mom insane. She started beating me she thought if she could bring me down then maybe he wouldn't like me as much. He still did, i tried to never be alone with him. My mom said so many horrible things to me. And Carl made it sound as if i deserved it because of the way he thought i looked." I pulled my sleeve down lower on my arm. Those were the scars where i had tried to kill my self. I know some people do it because they said its the only pain they can control i did it because i felt like crap all the time. And the pain was so bad killing my self seemed like the only way out. I had dark brown hair that was cut at an angle near my chin. I had light brown eyes.
Next was Reggy "My brothers, i have two older brothers, because i'm the baby they thought my parents treated me differently it was mostly verbal abuse, they tried to hurt me really bad a few times and told me i should run away from home that my parents didn't love me. Now my brothers are in a boys home. I'm still with my parents they are really great. They were great when they found out this was happening i mean my mom loves them just as much as me and she didn't want to send them away but she said this is the only way we will ever be a family again." Reggy was short and skinny. He had brown curly hair and glasses. He was a poet. He has light blue eyes.
Last was Kami. "Mine was my boy friend, at first things were so great, then he turned on me when i told him i wanted to break up. He would really hurt me bad, he always came and found me. He forced me to do stuff with him. Once i thought i was pregnant and he hit me in the stomach really hard. He said whatever was in there is dead now." By this time she was crying. "Madison Taylor that was going to be her name Or Noah Alexander. I know i'm young but i was going to make such a great mom." She put her hand to her stomach. "I mean at first it was so nice to have somebody actually want to date you and we all have self doubt. I want a guy who tells me those doubts aren't true, unlike Aaron who made me feel even worse about my self. We would get in fights over stupid stuff and he hurt me if i didn't take his side and drop it." Kami had pin straight black hair, she was a little heavy set, she had told us she packed on the weight while dating Aaron and a little after. That he would tell her she was fat and she needed to lose the weight. I had become friends with her. It was nice to have somebody who could relate. Shes great because we never really talk about what happened. We just know.
"OK guys, emotions are running high, but you did great. You're getting it all out. The number one thing i notice about all of your abusers is that it was somebody you trusted, and for most of you loved. I just want to tell you all again that what happened is not your fault. I know you're going to hear me say that a lot but it's true. Is there anything else anybody wants to discuss?" He looked around the room. Nobody raised there hand. I know for me talking about it is still really hard. But i have to admit hearing other people tell there stories that were similar to mine i felt better. I looked at my watch. He better wrap this up.
"OK well if nobody has anything your dismissed." I started walking to the door. I felt someone beside me. "You're walking?"Devin asked. "i always walk." I said. "It's not really that far, just hot." I said. "Don't you have a car?"Asked Devin. "No, i mean my parents never bought me a car." "what about where you're at now?" "nope i'm stuck on my feet." I said walking out the door and into the parking lot. "Let me give you a ride." Devin said gesturing to his car. I looked at my watch. That was probably a good idea i didn't have much time to get home. "Thanks." I opened the door and then slid in.
"So, how about we grab a bite to eat?" Devin asked. "No!" i screamed. "OK! OK! We don't have to eat." he said. "Its just...i have to be home. My aunt needs me." i said. He cranked the car and pulled out. I pointed left."Third house on the right." "OK here we are, see you next week." "You too,and thanks for the ride." "You're welcome." I waved as i ran up the side walk to my aunts house.
She was the one who got me after my step dad got arrested. My mom went to a psychiatric home. When we went to court they claimed she was crazy probably since my dad had died. I opened the door. "It's about time, get in here and unload the dish washer, for dinner i'm thinking steak." Said my aunt ruby in a rush.
My aunt ruby is this mean and bitter 60 year old. She spends her days watching tv and her nights at the casino. She was sure she was going to hit it big and leave this two bit town. Whatever that meant. As soon as i moved in i became her personal slave. I cook, clean, wash, scrub, sweep, mop, and pretty much anything else she could think of. "Oh don't forget to wash the car. It's gotta look good when i go out." She hollered over the blaring TV.
I quickly took the steak out of the freezer so it could thaw out. Aunt Ruby always liked to eat before she headed off to the casino. I unloaded the dishwasher then ran out to wash her car. I think she meets guys when she goes i hear her talking on the phone to them sometimes. I came back in and fixed a sandwich, there were certain things she ate and certain things i ate. She didn't let me eat any of her food. And When i asked her if i had to clean she told me where i was, was better then where i came from, because at least she wasn't beating me.
It was four o'clock. I ran upstairs to take a shower. When i got out she was yelling about me doing laundry. So i grabbed all the laundry from my room, then grabbed the laundry from hers, when i had it washing the steak was done. I had cooked carrots and mashed potatoes to go with it. I gave both a stir. I put the laundry in the dryer and put on a second load. When dinner was done she ate and got ready to go out. "While i'm gone vacuum the whole entire house, sweep and mop, clean the tubs and the toilets, clean out the fridge and rearrange the food." she grabbed her purse off of the table by the door and left. I had learned quickly when she was gone i didn't have to do everything she said just as long as it looked like i did. So i pulled out the cheap rolling vacuum cleaner i had bought and ran it over the trash. Best ten bucks i ever spent. I found the Mr clean and put some in the tub and toilet so it smelled like i cleaned. I rinsed the toilet brush in the toilet. I quickly scanned the kitchen floor for trash when i was satisfied i put Mr clean there as well. I folded the load of laundry in the dryer and then put the second load on. I wiped at the few spots in the fridge and put some of the stuff on top on the bottom and vice versa. All that took me about an hour. She left at five she usually stayed out till one of two in the morning. I sat down on the couch and changed the channel careful to put it back exactly where she had it before i cut it off for the night. I watched About an hour and a half later i went upstairs to read one of my books. I had a big box under my bed with books i had bought recently. I had to hide them, she thought she kept me busy with the chores. Most of the time she did. I didn't want her to think i didn't have enough to do because i certainly did. I worked so hard all day while she was here. If i didn't get one of the things on her list done she was VERY unhappy. Finally about nine o'clock i went to sleep. I usually got to sleep till about eight, while she slept in till about ten. She had a list taped to my door every morning. Also on the list? What she wanted for breakfast.
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