I was actually glad it was night. I was so tired from everything that happened that day. I was sleeping...well sort of i kept having nightmares. Every time i would drift to sleep i'd wake back up. I heard a noise and looked at the door. There was a tall shadowy figure standing there. I gulped. I put my head under the covers. I heard the bed squeak. I shivered from fear. I was still in a dream i think. "I'll kick you in the nuts....dude i'm not playing!" I said fear evident in my voice.

                "Hey, it's me." Devin said. I breathed a sigh of relief pulling the covers down. "Whats the matter?" Asked Devin. I blew out the breath i had been holding.  "You scared me! I...I...I thought you were Carl OK?" I started to shake again.

                                "I thought you were over that...i mean earlier..." "i said i didn't feel sorry for myself, i didn't say i never got scared. I have dreams you know." I reached over and cut the lamp on. Devin was sitting on the edge of my bed in pj pants and no shirt. He leaned down and grabbed my hand. "What about?" He asked. "Oh that hes still around...i know he got put away and stuff...its still just a little bit scary." 

                             "Its OK i understand the first month we were here kenzie would cry and i was the only one who could make it better. When she first started crying i was ready to go punch my dad then i had to realize hes not here." "I'm sorry, but i know how she feels. Its scary." "Yeah." He nodded. "Hey your not supposed to be here." I said. "Hey she said you couldn't be in my bed but she didn't say i couldn't be in your bed." "Yes she did." "Ok, so maybe she did. I just wanted to check on you i know its been such a long day." "Thanks it really has." He leaned down and hugged me. Then he kissed me and turned to go. "Thanks." I said to his retreating back. I pulled the covers higher up and cut the lamp off.

                           That weekend in group i rode with Devin.  Kami came over. "Are you ok, with your aunt and stuff?" Everyone started  asking questions. "Ok guys...sit please." Said Mr. Stein. He looked at me. "Are you ok?" i nodded "as well as i can be."  I told them about m mom and my aunt. "Jess, I'm sorry to hear that but i'm glad your safe." Said Mr. Stein. 

                         "Now you guys, don't forget next week is the teachers conference. Don't bother them. Today were going to be talking about what scars abuse has left on you weather it be physical or emotional. Reggy, why don't you start us off today." "Well physically nothing really all my bruises have healed. A lot of my brothers friends though seem to give me a bit of a hard time. Saying i was a baby and couldn't take it. Almost like i made the whole thing up. Then when they find out i write poems...oh yeah then i really get it. My bothers have cut me down that i sometimes feel like im not worth it and i have to remind myself that i am."

                           "That's a natural response. Your bothers were there friends. Your brothers weren't the same way with them as they were with you. And you are good enough. You have to remember that. So have you heard any thing from your brothers?" Mr Stein asked. The biggest grin crossed Reggy's face. "Yes, we went down there last week and I got to talk to them. They were so surprised to see me there. They said they were really sorry and that when they got out they hoped to make things right. I hope they do. But my mom has promised me if its not better i have to let her and my dad know. On the one hand i'm scared there going to seek revenge on the other hand i'm happy i will have a relationship with them." Mr stein nodded 

                          "Any body have anything?" He looked around the room. I raised my hand. "I know how you feel, my mom called said she wanted me back. But i knew there was no way i could go back into that house. She was jelouse like your brothers sound. But i know that my mom and i will never have a relationship again. I really hope you and your brothers do. It sounds like something that can be fixed." "Thanks Jess." Reggy said.

                       "Don't feel bad Jess you did the right thing for you. Everybody is different in some cases the abusers really have changed." Said Mr. stein. "Anybody else?" Nobody had anything so he instructed me to go. "Well i have a few burns on both my hands from coffe and a candle." I pulled my pants leg up. "Scissors, It may sound weird. But my mom and step dad got so mad some times they just grabbed the cloest thing. I got smart after the first few times i would hide the sharp stuff. Then they would just hit. Uhm other then physical scars....people treat me differently...like i'm a helpless puppy or something. And I'm still having nightmares. I think it about this stuff and that it'll happen again. I have trust issues. I just want this to all end." I said. 

                                  "I'm sure you do, we all do. Nobody wants to go through this." He said, as if he even needed to say it. I mean really? Who just thinks to themselves I'd like to get abused today. Just the word abused made me sick to my stomach. I hated to even say it or think it.

                                    "Anybody have anything?" Emily raised her hand "Yeah my uncle did the same thing grabbed the nearest object because he was so drunk, he didn't last long before he passed out. You would think it was a good thing but no he just made the most of his short amount of time." "Anybody else?" Nobody had anything. "OK Emily please continue." Said Mr Stein.

                                 "I showed you guys the scars last week, but other then that my mom treats me differently. She dosent like me to go to peoples houses or have boyfriends shes afraid there all crazy, because her own flesh and blood did this...it bothered me at first but i just know she has me and my sisters best interest at heart. My friends are overly nice. My teachers all think something is wrong because i'm so shy now." 

                           "Are you saying you weren't always shy?" Mr Stein asked her. "Yeah i used to do gymnastics i could do so many cool moves and I had a ton of friends. I even taught a class at Limber Limbs, the little kids looked up to me, maybe one day i'll want to teach again." "That's normal to quit something you loved after this like Jess said she quit cheer-leading. But it'll take time for you o feel comfortable doing it again, or at all. Anybody else?" 

                   Brads hand went up "When i started going to my new school i didn't try out for foot ball i figured after what everybody thought there was no chance of them letting me on the team. They would say i was sleeping with the coach and stuff." He sounded so bitter. I felt bad for him. Kami's hand went up. "If dating counts i quit that, i have had a few guys ask me out but i turned them all down. I just don't know how i could trust another guy i know there not all jerks but when i get around a guy i argue with myself in my head. Hes going to make you have sex, no hes not, not all guys are like that. Hes a jerk. No hes not you don't even know him. Stuff like that." Mr stein nodded. He must really like to nod. He does it almost every time somebody says something. I was surprised at what Kami had said. After she encouraged me to date Devin.

                     "Yeah that's common to, what about your scars?"He asked. "Well i'm no longer a virgin. I can't do that when i really do find true love, some guys think i'm easy, and i lost my baby." Her voice cracked when she said the last one. "He used to slap me and punch me and shove me down a lot no scars from that." "Anybody have anything?" Nobody had anything on that one, we were still stuck on the fact that he took her baby. She's said it at least three times now, but it never got any easier.

                                       Mr stein motioned for Brad to go. "Well kids at school were so mean, after it happened. They thought i was gay because he was a guy. They thought i was a grade grubber. Some thought i was disgusting. I sleep in fear that hes going to come to my house. He has student files he knows where i live. I don't know how i fall asleep every night. He makes me so sick." His voice was dripping with disdain. "Anybody?" Mr stein motioned around.

                                    "I feel the same way about my dad, i lived in fear he would find kenzie or send somebody, but then i just got to the point where i knew her safety was more important and that if he wanted a fight to bring it on." "I know how you feel, I'm so sick of what that man did..." He stopped himself. We just looked at him. "It's going to be ok." Mr. Stein said. Nobody else had anything so it was Devins turn. First thing was he held up his arm. Then he pointed to his chest. A scar i had saw when he had his shirt off. "My dad threw a glass cup at me. It broke. I just pulled the pieces out and got a band aid. Uhm...here." He held up his thumb. "Sliced that open with his pocket knife. One of the back of my head from being slammed into the wall repeatedly. That's it, other then physical i live in fear of my sister. She doesn't really understand all that happened so she misses our parents a lot. I can't just tell her to drop it there not coming back. I'm afraid if my mom does get out that Kenzie will want to go back with her and something bad will happen." 

                                 "That's normal shes young her parents are important to her. Maybe one day you can sit her down and explain to her what's really going on. But in the end you have to know if she wants to go back you can't stop her." Mr stein said. "That's what scares me." "Yeah, anybody have anything." i raised my hand. "The judge listens to everybody, if you tell them how your mom is they should listen." "I guess i'm just scared if she got out, my sister is so young she can't really make that decision yet and i know they think being with the mother is the best option" He then got silent. He looked as if he was thinking. "Does anybody have anything else?" Asked Mr Stein looking around the room. "Ok then your dismissed." Me and Devin walked out.

                   Emily walked up next to me. "so i hear you might be moving?" She said. "Yeah Tennessee." I said. "Wow to the city?" "I don't know. My social worker hasn't told me anything yet." I said. "Man i couldn't imagine leaving." Said Emily. "Yea i'm not sure i want to go at this point. I mean before i kind of thought it was a good idea but...i just don't know." I sighed.  "I've made friends at group, and Devin and I...well that just started and it's almost senior year so I won't be graduating with my class."

                 "Well I can't really understand that because my parents are still around but if I had no family then I could see wanting to move." "Right? And it's not like I can just move back anytime I feel like it. This is going to be something I have to live with. And I've started thinking about where I'm going to apply for colleges at. They are all around here. "You can go to cowgirls university!" Reggy said coming up behind us. "You know those are skills everybody needs in life." I joked back. "You know it." He winked. We all went outside into the hot sun. Brad had already left. Just like always he was the first to leave.

                     "I'll see you guys next week." I said waving and taking Devin's hand. "It's nice to finally leave group and not have to go home and clean." I said. "Yea, so when is your court date?" He asked. I shrugged. "I'm still waiting on the papers." I nodded. "Well all you have to do is testify against your aunt. I mean you know abuse carries a hefty punishment." "I'd hardly call making me clean abuse." "Sure it is, she was abusing you and making you clean. That's not your job and I really meant the emotional abuse. Calling you all those names and talking down to you." "Oh yea, that. She's a bitter old woman." I said scowling.

                     "Wanna go egg her house?" Devin asked. "Nah, I'm better then that." "Well I'm not!" I sputtered out laughter. "Ok, I see. But let's be nice." "I don't see why, they never were." He grumbled closing his car door and starting the car. "Yes but fighting fire with fire will only burn you. And honestly 'getting revenge' just makes me seem petty and like it still bothers me." "Well it still bothers me!" He said pulling out. "Yea and doing something like this will not help you get over it." "Yea I suppose your right" He said thoughtfully.