EVA

I don't think you know the whole story.

Of why I'm doing what I'm doing. Maybe you heard snippets, or maybe you're oblivious to it all. Either way, you can ask Dad what happened. He knows everything. I think he may have confronted you about me not being myself, and you asked me if I'd tell you if something was wrong. Something was wrong. But I don't know how to talk to you about those things.

I don't - or didn't - know how to talk about anything with you. Or anyone. I know you have my best interests at heart but sometimes you're clueless. I'm not blaming you. I know you have a lot on your plate 24/7, and that it's basically your job to run the household smoothly, plus you have work on top of that. I get it.

But, for once, I wish you'd have just slowed down. Rewound and relaxed. Talk to me as my mother, not as a distracted parent who has other things on her mind, and only believes what she hears, not what she sees.

Despite the fact that you wouldn't get the most attentive parent award, you were pretty cool, and the old Evelyn will miss you. Regardless of whether I survive or not.

I know you may not understand what I did, you may not understand why I was the person I was, but just understand that I love you so fucking much. And the only thing I want for you, for you and Charlie (+ me if my suicide turned into a failed attempt) is to move on. Start afresh. Begin on a clean slate.

evie, forever and forever xxx