✯ E V E L Y N ✯

"Please don't say anything. I'll tell my parents tonight," I tell Jesse over the phone in a hushed tone.

There's a long silence. "Are you sure you'll tell them?"

"I swear I will," I say, crossing my fingers and wondering why I'm such a bad person.

He lets out a heavy sigh on the other side of the line. "Okay, then. You'll be okay on your own? Or do you want me to come around and help break the news?"

I don't deserve someone like him. "It's alright, I'll do it alone. You've already done more than you should have, and I can't thank you enough," I murmur sincerely, staring down at my lilac toenails.

"Evelyn . . . you know I'm always here if you need me. Call or text me and I'll be right over, okay?"

I nod. "Okay. Guess I'll see you in school, then."

"I guess you will. Bye." We exchange goodbyes before he hangs up. 

A week. It's been a week since that episode, and I haven't told anyone yet. And I don't plan to. If I do, the only thing Eva will do is arrange more sessions with Dr. Paige, maybe even send me to a psych ward and be on suicide watch, and Charlie will just watch me from the sidelines with disappointment clear as day on his face.

I sigh heavily, lifting the sleeves of my baggy sweatshirt to look at my new bandages. My cuts are cleaned and covered, but I'd say by now they've scabbed over. In the next couple of months or year they'll just be fading marks of a failed suicide attempt.

I stare at the ceiling for a while, the sounds of nightlife echoing around me. Charlie and Eva are in bed, and I should be tired but I'm not. I need to hear someone's voice.

I find the number in my recently called list and press Dial. The ringing tone goes on for five seconds before someone picks up.

"Lio?"

∞

♚ J E S S E ♚

"Four months.

"It's been four months since you agreed to do it. And you still haven't made a move.

"Preston is getting pissed about this. Allen - I'm pretty sure the next time he sees you he's going to break your face. Doesn't matter that you were suspended for a week while he got four days; after what you did to him, no doubt he's plotting his revenge."

I scoff, rolling my eyes, and sink deeper into the sofa. "Allen doesn't scare me. And he deserved everything he got, that sick cunt," I spit out, feeling anger simmer in my veins at the thought of what he did to Evelyn.

Theo sighs and rubs under his eyes tiredly. "Can I ask what he did?"

"Doesn't matter," I say shortly, taking a swig of Red Bull. Theo shoots me a sidelong glance, before turning his head to face the fireplace. His elbows rest on his knees, eyes clouded over in thought.

"If it didn't matter I bet you wouldn't have broken his nose and sounded so vexed," he points out dryly, a small, dimply smile on his face. "Anyway, I figure I'll find out soon enough." I ignore what he just said, staring at him sideways. Despite the fact that he always looks neutral, I can tell today he's particularly happy.

"So, how are things between you and Brandt?" I ask, setting my empty can aside and staring into nothing.

"Good. Great, actually. He still hasn't come out to his parents but I told him he can take as long as he wants." Theo then glances at me, dark brows slightly furrowed over his light eyes. "You know, you don't need to ask me about my problems to avoid talking about yours."

I ignore that too and close my eyes, leaning back. "You love him, don't you?"

"Yeah, I do." The house around us is quiet, and I'm glad that Theo's parents are out. I don't think I could handle another minute of their friendliness, which gets a little sickening. "You love her, don't you?"

My eyes spring open, and I stare at him. "Who?" Of course I know who he's talking about.

He gives me an unimpressed look. "Evelyn," he tells me.

I scoff, shaking my head. "No, I don't."

He runs a hand through his hair, blowing a breath out, and mutters something under his breath before facing me. "I can see it in the way you look at her. It's so obvious, man. I've never seen you look at any girl like how you look at her." He says this lowly, but his voice still carries.

I clench my shaking fists, trying to get a grip. "Fuck you. I don't love her - that's not how it works."

"Whatever, man. Regardless of how it's supposed to work, you should tell her whatever you need to tell her before she does something and it's too late. I know more than you do, Jesse. I know she hasn't told you anything about what happened - you've just witnessed the recent events. I shouldn't even be saying any of this. It's her story to tell, not mine," Theo finishes, and gets up, stretching his arms over his head. "Want a sandwich or something?"

"Uh, yeah, sure." He nods once, leaving the sitting room and leaving me with multiple thoughts in my mind.

∞

"Pussy."

"Don't fucking call me that. You don't know how hard it is to do it. She . . . she's like a closed book; you gotta go one page at a time until you reach that point."

"Aw, look, all this time you're spending with her is making you go all poetic and shit."

"Shut up."

"Four months, man. It's halfway through April now."

"Why does everyone keep reminding me? I know what the date is, goddamnit. I'm going to do it next week. The 21st."

"Her birthday?"

"Yeah. Five days is all I need."

"I'm holding you against this, Jesse."

". . . You know this will break her?"

"Hell, yeah."

∞

✯ E V E L Y N ✯

It's nearing the end of spring.

And it's still cold. I hug myself, clutching my book as I walk through the bustling streets of San Francisco. I inhale, loving the way the air fills my lungs. The smell of nicotine, grease from a corndog stand and smoke from cars mingle to create an addictive scent that makes me feel lightheaded and content.

I love walking in a crowd. In their eyes, I'm one of them. I'm another wandering soul, going from one place to another. No one can judge me, call me out, tease me, bully me, harass me. I let my mind clear and fade into nothing as I stray down a path leading to a park.

My phone pings with a text, and I open it to see it's from Eva. Hey sweetie, are you in town?

I snap a pic of my green surroundings, texting back a quick reply. No, I'm at the park at the edge of town. Do you need me to get something for you?

Could you get me some green tea? I'm at work, so is Charlie, and Noelle has no idea what kind I prefer.

Sure, I'll get them.

Thanks sweetie :) I'll be back home in time for dinner.

No problem. Love you :)

Love you too xx

I put in my earphones, soft jazz playing as I walk down the winding brick path. A stream to my right flows somewhere off into the distance. I can see fish swimming, their scales catching the light when they pass the surface.

I can tell I'm not the only one who thinks this is a beautiful place. Couples and little kids with their parents are scattered around, the light sound of laughter and joy swirling in the air with the faint fog.

I settle on a bench, propping my knees up and open my book to the page I was last on. Soon I get absorbed in the book, so absorbed that my surroundings just melt into the background. In the book, a guy and a girl meet at a frat party and end up making a bet. They have to make the other fall in love with them in sixty days. It's a pointless plot line, but it's dramatic, so I'm down with that.

I jump when I feel something tap my leg, and I look away from my book to see a little redheaded boy gazing up at me. I pull my earphones out, in time for me to hear him speak, "You're pretty."

He holds out a bunch of rose-pink carnations, a cute smile on his face that makes my heart melt. "Aw, thank you," I coo, placing the flowers on my lap.

The boy grins with his tiny white teeth, a blush spreading over his lightly freckled cheeks. "My pleasure." I try not to gape at his incredible manners, failing to fight my smile.

"Did you come here with someone?"

He nods, his hair getting tousled by the wind. "I'm with my Aunt P, but she's getting me sweeties from the ice cream truck," he points towards an ice cream truck a few miles away.

I hold up a single carnation between my index finger and thumb, twisting the stem so the flower spins and glows pink. "Do you know what flower this is?"

He shakes his head, surprising me by sitting cross-legged on the grass. I slide down from the bench to sit beside him, spreading the flowers between us. "These are called carnations."

"Car-nay-shuns," he pronounced in the cutest way possible.

"Yes, well done!" Deep dimples dig into his cheeks as he grins proudly. "Now, these carnations can come in a lot of colors."

"Can they be green? I like the color green," the little kid adds, his bright eyes full of fascination.

"They can be any color you like," I laugh, watching him delicately pick up a flower and sniff its scent. "So, when will your Aunt be back?"

"Um, she—"

"Callum!" a female voice calls out from a distance, and we glance up to see Dr. Paige - what a surprise - walking leisurely towards us, her long summer dress swaying with the wind while a pair of sunglasses sit atop her blonde mane.

"Aunt P!" Callum - I presume - exclaims, getting up and running towards her. He stops running to give her a hug, before pointing at her handbag and bouncing up and down. "May I please have some sweeties?"

"You will, once you let me sit down," Dr. Paige - Yulia - comments, a smile blooming on her face at the sight of her nephew - again, I'm assuming - and her eyes drift towards me as she nears the bench. "Evelyn, what a lovely surprise! How are you today?"

I stand up, brushing off grass from my jeans, and give her a half-smile. "I'm good, thanks," I reply a little shyly.

Dr. Paige smiles, seating herself on the seat while I stand. Callum takes a seat beside her, a wide smile etched onto his face as he patiently waits to get his sweets. She digs into her handbag, pulling out a pack of Haribo sweets, and Callum's look of excitement intensifies. "Now, you'll only get these sweets when you finish this." Dr. Paige holds out a small pack of mixed fruits.

Callum takes the pack from her, easily ripping it open and sitting down onto the grass to eat.

I grab my discarded book and shove my phone and earphones into my pocket. "I should get going . . ."

I'm about to walk away when her voice stops me. "Oh, please don't leave on my account." I tilt my head towards her but otherwise don't move. "Please, sit."

I hesitate for a few seconds before turning around and sitting beside her. I can smell her floral perfume from where I am. This is going to be so awkward. I settle my book on my lap, badly wanting to stick my earphones but not wanting to seem rude.

"I hope he didn't bother you," Dr. Paige speaks up, sliding her sunglasses back over her eyes and gazing in Callum's direction. "He has a habit of going up to strangers."

I stare at the little boy, looking so content with his fruit without a care in the world. As he eats he spots a white Pomeranian not too far away, and he grins at the dog, happily chattering to himself. "No, it's no problem. It wasn't a problem. He's a friendly kid. Amazing manners as well."

Dr. Paige laughs softly, crossing one leg over the other. "Yeah, he's a good-natured kid," she tells me with a radiant smile, teeth flashing.

I tear my gaze from her and stare at my clasped hands. Lightly tanned with an olive hue, thanks to my early years spent in Brazil. My nails are cut short and neat, grey nail polish coating them. I flex my fingers distractedly. "He's going to rule the world some day with his big heart," I say, staring at the grass swaying in the breeze, "Everyone's going to love him. He'll make a difference in this world."

We're silent for a while, the temperature rising ever so slightly as the sun peeks out from behind thin, wispy clouds. Streams of sunlight fall onto my face, and I tilt my head skywards. "And how will you make a difference in this world?" Dr. Paige asks me quietly.

I let my eyes open but otherwise I don't move. The pale blue of the sky burns into my eye sockets, the tinkling sound of kiddie laughter filling the air. "I won't."

"And why is that?" Her gaze drills a hole in the side of my face, but I focus my gaze on seven birds soaring through the sky in a V-formation. Black glossy wings swaying back and forth, gliding effortlessly. I wish I was a bird. I wouldn't be stuck in a cage, feeling trapped and alone. I'd be with others like me, no different from the rest. If I wanted to move somewhere else all I'd have to do is spread my wings and let the wind guide me.

"Because. Because I'm not good at anything except fucking everything up. I've never gotten above a B+ in any of my subjects. I'm actually failing most of them right now. I don't see the whole point in school. I'm failing everything because I'm stupid, and . . . and useless, and ugly, and horrible.

"I'm a disappointment to my parents. They can't look at me without wondering how they could've raised such a disappointing person. Evian was way better than me at everything. Looks, grades, sports, socializing. Straight A's on every goddamn assignment and school project. A trophy or a medal for winning the majority of soccer matches and tennis tournaments. Girls flocked around him, and yet he wasn't interested. He just wanted to do well in school, and he did.

"I wish that had been me who died in that accident. No one would've missed me. Everyone would've just went back to living their lives. By now Evian would've had girls at his feet, dozens of scholarships in his pockets.

"If I had died none of this would've happened. I wouldn't have started cutting, I wouldn't have been thrown in that accident, that night wouldn't have happened."

I take in a deep breath after my rant. I don't tear my gaze from the sky, digging my nails into my palm as I fold my arms over my chest.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

I sigh, shaking my head. "I want to forget, that's what I want to do," I admit, before suddenly whipping my head around to face Dr. Paige. She blinks her empathy-filled eyes at me from behind her tinted sunglasses, a half-smile on her glossed lips. I shift my eyes to them before turning my head away from her. "What I did before - that night - it was wrong and completely uncalled for, and I'm so sorry that I did—"

"Evelyn, you kissed me; you didn't murder anyone," she interrupts.

"—it was disgusting of me, I don't know why I did such a thing and I'm so ashamed, because I never would have thought—"

"Evelyn, listen to m—"

"Don't you see? I think I'm bisexual or a l-lesbian," I all but hiss, my voice shaking. Tears prick the corners of my eyes, and I rub at them. "I'm a disgusting, filthy person. How can I be gay? No, I'm not. Just because I kissed you does not mean that I'm gay." But you kissed Lio. Oh, you kissed her. Not even kissed - made out with. You had the opportunity to stop and yet you didn't. Both of you were so close to taking off each other's clothes.

I muffle a scream behind my hand, no longer feeling at peace. The too-bright sky pressing down on my back, the sounds of mocking laughter wrecking my mind, the air stifling enough to suffocate me. I drag my knees to my chest, dragging in heavy breaths to fill my lungs.

Calm down. You need to calm down. Once I've calmed down - once my fingers have stopped trembling and the feeling of helplessness has passed - Dr. Paige speaks up, "Evelyn, have you had anxiety attacks before?"

"Yeah. They started a couple of months ago." My mind wanders to the first time I had one - the day Jesse first approached me.

Jesse.

What would he say if he found out I wasn't straight? What would everyone say if they found out? Is Lio lesbian or bisexual? What did the kisses mean?

I let my thoughts free, not hearing whatever Dr. Paige is telling me. There's an urgent look on her face, but I just smile at Callum when he looks up at me, his lips ringed with the pink of a raspberry. He holds up the empty packet triumphantly. "This was yummy!" I giggle at the gleeful look on his face.

Dr. Paige tears her worried eyes from me to hold out a small bag of sweets, but instead of accepting the sweets Callum takes a small pack of fruit peeking out of her handbag. Just that small action is enough to melt my heart. Callum sits back down on the grass, munching happily.

An airplane flies off on the distance, leaving a trail of white. "God created Adam and Eve. Not Adam and Adam, or Eve and Eve. One male and one female. Wait, listen to this." I open up my phone, going straight to the notes section. "This is from «Genesis 13:13» - 'The men of Sodom were bad and were gross sinners against Jehovah'. «Roman 1:27» - 'violently inflamed in their lust toward one another, males with males'. 'You must not lie down with the male the same as you lie down with a woman. It is a detestable thing' God said in «Leviticus 18:22». Don't you see?? God hates homosexuals. He hates gay people. I don't even know if I'm gay or not. What's wrong with me?"

"There is nothing wrong with you—"

"Then why did I kiss you? Why do I like girls all of a sudden? A few months ago I wouldn't even look at a girl that way and now—I'm a freak, a stupid freak who—"

"Evelyn!" I flinch at her loud voice, her shout attracting attention from passerbys who give her odd looks. She ignores them and slides her glasses up to nestle in her hair, her brown eyes squinted at me.

"I don't know if you heard me the first time, but I'm going to say it again. There. Is. Nothing. Wrong. With. You. You're human, and frankly you have every right to look at whoever you want. It doesn't matter if you like guys or girls. I know this isn't the best wording, but here it is: Fuck God. Fuck Him. I'm not even religious, and I may not share your beliefs, but if you believe in a god that doesn't give you the right to love someone of your gender, and pronounces it a sin, then enough said. You deserve to be happy, and I personally don't give a fuck whether it's with a guy or girl."

Her fingers tilt my chin upwards, making me stare into her eyes. "You are beautiful and smart and amazing and you have so much to offer this world. Never settle for anything less than someone who'll give you their entire world. Do you understand me?"

I nod, fighting back the wave of tears that desperately want to crash over me. "Yeah."

The thing is: I do understand her.

But she doesn't understand me.

∞

Liquid trickles down my arm that is folded at an odd angle underneath me, and a scream leaves my lips as I shift it the tiniest bit. Agony and despair fill me as flames inch towards me, licking my skin and scalding me.

I hear someone call my name, somewhere underneath the wreckage and the heavy pile of sharp metal and broken glass, but I can't see beyond the smoke that crawls through the air. "Charlie? Evian?" I choke out, my eyes tearing up. Blood trickles down from a deep cut above my right eye, liquid dripping into my eye. I try to blink it away and drag myself around, unable to tell where I am anymore. All I see are red-orange flames, thick smoke and darkness.

My good hand touches something soft, like hair, and through coughs leaving my throat, I let out a cry. A light flashes over me, and in that millisecond, I'm able to see everything.

Blood matted in his curly hair, cap stained with crimson, neck positioned at an unnatural angle, Evian lies stock still, shrapnels of glass sticking in his sides and left leg, causing blood to ooze from every wound. A lump forms in my throat, and my first instinct is to grab him and get him away from the flames that crawl towards him, disintegrating everything in their path.

But I do the opposite.

"Evelyn," Evian coughs weakly, eyes barely able to stay open long enough to look at his twin. His fingers twitch by his side, whimpers of agony escaping his lips. I watch him, my broken arm forgotten. He's begging for me to help him. He's crying out in pain.

He always was the star child. Always got more love from Eva and Charlie. Always took that love away from me. The spotlight would always shine on him, and I'd be in the background while he took the stage.

I was nothing and he was everything.

"Please." Tears are rolling down my cheeks, not from sadness but from the smoke. I can see the light fading from his eyes, slowly but surely as they flutter shut. I don't know where Charlie is, I don't care where Charlie is. It's time to get rid of the competition.

And so I do get rid of the competition. I shove Evian into the fire, and then get away from the flames. But not before I watch the flames engulf his body and burn him to death.

♚ J E S S E ♚

Evelyn lets out the loudest and most bloodcurdling scream I've ever heard.

I jolt awake, briefly wondering where I am before I remember we fell asleep on the couch. Evelyn lies sideways with her legs underneath her, her head on my chest. My arm is slung over her waist.

But, instead of being calm like how she was when she was asleep, she's panicking. She's shaking and crying and screaming, her eyes screwed shut. Panic seizes my heart, and I grip her shoulders, trying to shake her awake.

She bats at my hands, trying to push me off her. She's screaming one word over and over again, her hands grabbing at something I can't see. "Evelyn," I say loudly, holding her hands in mine to stop her from lashing out at me. She still hasn't opened her eyes, tears streaming down her face.

"No! No, please, I'm sorry," she sobs, strands of her dark hair sticking to her wet cheeks. Her body shakes uncontrollably, and never have I ever felt so helpless.

"Evelyn!" I yell, pushing her back and yanking forwards, all the time keeping my grip on her tight. Her eyes fling open, and I see fear and helplessness in them before her eyes adjust to our surroundings.

"Wh-where a-am I?" Evelyn stutters, chest rising and falling quickly with every short intake of breath.

"Living room," I answer, my brows furrowing together at her distress. Her eyes are wild and haunted, but she's no longer crying. She's calming down. Her intense green eyes stare at me, and my heart skips a beat. "What happened?"

Her breath hitches in her throat, and she drops her gaze. "J-just a bad dream." She looks so small and frightened, I can't help wrapping my arms around her. I let them rest around her slim waist while she clings to me like she's drowning and I'm her lifeboat. I bury my nose into her hair, inhaling her distinct scent.

When we pull away I check my phone for the time. "I should get you home now. It's almost eleven." I glance to the left at the pale navy night sky, vaguely surprised it isn't fully dark.

"I don't want to leave," she whispers, eyes drilling into mine as she slips my hand into hers. Her eyes drift down to my lips, cheeks turning red. I don't breathe, wanting to close the distance between us, but I also want her to make the first move. She's the one who holds back in these situations. You just have to wait.

Her eyes are captivating, and I can barely drag in a breath. She's stunning. Suddenly it's as if she wasn't crying a few minutes earlier. She takes her time bringing her face closer to mine until we're less than inch away from each other. I'm so close that I can count the almost invisible freckles scattered over the planes of her cheeks.

"Jesse . . . " The way Evelyn says my name sends shivers down my spine, my thumb tracing circles onto the back of her hand.

"Evelyn."

The second her name flows from my lips, she presses her mouth against mine. Her lips taste sweet, like strawberry lipgloss. I press my hand against her lower back, pressing her closer to me. Her lips part in a sigh and I use this opportunity to deepen the kiss.

Her fingers toy with the hem of my band shirt, slipping underneath it to press her hand against my abdomen. A low groan emits from my mouth, pleasure coursing through my veins. She places her knees on either side of my waist, straddling me, and runs her fingers through my hair.

"What are we doing?" she asks in a hushed tone after breaking the kiss. Despite her question, she trails kisses up and down my throat.

My breath hitches, heart racing in my chest. She doesn't know how much she affects me. I shouldn't get this attached.

Too late. She has me hooked.

"I don't know," I murmur, kissing her chin before our lips meet again with much more passion.