[mature warning]

< p a r k j i m i n >
2017 —

hwang-geum general hospital

"white walls, white floors, white sheets."

"white walls, white floors, white sheets."

"white walls, white floors, white sheets."

jimin could feel the room begin to spin as he continued muttering the same line over and over. his form would stagger every once in a while, sitting cross-legged in the middle of his asylum issued bed, staring blankly out the barred window before him.

"why is he doing that?" a male voice rang out, a new hire assigned to the psychiatric ward in hwang-geum general hospital.

a heavy sighed followed. "he's been here for a little over a year now. his name's park jimin and he signed himself in. he's been like that pretty much the entire time he's been here." another sigh.

"but," the first man stuttered. "he looks so..." he paused, not knowing the words to explain his thoughts. scratch that -- he knew exactly what he wanted to say. he wanted to say "crazy" or "out of his mind" or "dead", but he couldn't bring himself to do it.

and jimin himself knew that. he didn't blame the poor guy, he knew he had lost his sanity a while ago, at least a big chunk of it. what little part of him that could still think straight locked himself somewhere deep inside, never daring to step out.

when they realized jimin was sitting quietly, looking straight at them through the ajar door, they instantly shut up. he turned his head back just in time to hear one of them whisper to the other, "let's go." followed by quiet shuffling outside his door.

and that was that.

he didn't know how long he'd been just sitting there quietly, staring across his bed to the wall, but he went back into the previous trance, repeating the same words over and over. "white walls, white floors, white sheets," jimin mumbled, the words barely coming out as whispers. "sand. lighthouse. ocean. white walls, white floors, white—"

"jimin-ssi, you should come out for some game time with the other friends!" interrupted a voice, evidently exaggerating the excited tone.

jimin looked at the man wearing white scrubs standing in the doorway, holding a big smile on his face. fake, jimin thought as his eyes turned dark at the man before him.

he was the aide that was always stuck to jimin's back like glue, never giving him a moment's rest. jimin tried to remember his name, but always forgot. well, it's not like he truly cared anyways.

the man carefully made his way to jimin, somehow never letting the overly enthusiastic expression leave his face. "Come on, jimin-ssi! All the friends already set up the board game. We decided to play 'Sorry'; fun isn't it?! We have just enough room for another player!" he spoke enthusiastically as he gestured jimin to get up and follow him.

though reluctant, jimin complied. he knew it was useless arguing; not going would only make the aide more persistent. For him, persistency equaled annoying, especially from this guy.

as jimin got up, he shrugged the nonexistent dirt off his clothing, groaning as he got up. he didn't know how long he had been sitting in the same position for, but it definitely wasn't easy for his body that was once very active and healthy.

with the (slightly unwanted) help of the aide, jimin made his way down the hall, limping slightly. the aide somehow still continued to hold onto his shoulders, guiding him down the white marble tile floors. "you should smile more, jimin-ssi! Look what a wonderful day it is outside!" the man spoke hopefully, gesturing to the open balcony view of the sunset above the water, beyond the courtyard.

annoyed, jimin shrugged him off, limping over to the balcony. out of breath, he clutched the stone edge of the balcony for balance. he stared deep within the sunset, his mind devoid of thoughts and his visage devoid of emotion. this truly was a beautiful view, jimin thought to himself. too bad I'm the only one to see it.

thinking back on it now, he couldn't remember the last time he felt pure bliss. the only time he ever felt true happiness was the life he had years ago. the squeaking of the sneakers on the dance floor, the music blasting and echoing throughout the practice room, the sound and beats calling out to him as he moved in perfect harmony, his face as he smiled in approval.

his psychiatrist had suggested he not think of them. she thought the root cause of his seizures, the reason for his suicidal tendencies, was what had happened all those years ago.

of course, he didn't care a flying shit what she thought, but he had a different reason for running away and blocking out the memories. jimin felt that he had no longer the right to even think of them.

the way jimin saw it, he was the sole reason why everyone fell apart. why taehyung and jungkook died, and why everyone else was gone. if he wasn't so solely focused on his dancing and showing off to her, maybe then he would have noticed the others too. he was to blame for everything. him, park jimin.

jimin tried to swallow the lump that lodged itself in his throat, his eyes beginning to sting as they pooled with tears. the memories were coming back.

he staggered slightly backward, grabbing the side of his head in an attempt to stop it from aching so much. The world before him began to fade as the colours of the sunset swirled all around him. jimin could feel a pair of hands try to stabilize him, and could hear the distorted noise of someone yelling his name, but it didn't matter. he couldn't breathe, he couldn't see.

and he didn't mind it all that much; after all, he was the first to betray him. his best friend.

as the world around him begin to fade, jimin saw the final memory of hoseok's face when he had betrayed him, a look of such confusion and heartbreak where it was engraved in his memory forever.

a single thought lingered in his mind before he fell into a deep slumber, the same he repeated every single day ever since two years ago.

"ah, I must deserve this. after all, it's all my fault."