I Didn't Like Her; I Knew That From The Moment I Saw Her. It Was Biased, But I'm Narcissistic Enough To Trust My First Impressions.

Today was already being far from tolerable. Initially, I had forgotten my maths textbook and let's say my teacher wasn't exactly very happy with me; I don't think he believes in the existence of mistakes - narrow-minded bastard, but then again that was practically in the required criteria for teaching staff nowadays - must be able to severely impose students on a day to day basis.

Of course then, my lunch got kicked onto the floor, leaving me to flee to the toilets before they decided that it'd be good to repeat their previous choice of action, but with my face this time - an idea I really wasn't that keen on, but then again the school bullies weren't exactly the epitome kindness.

Now, I'm stood hopelessly out the school gates with a stubborn car that refuses to fucking start, rain pelting down on my already goose bump littered skin and no other means of getting home, so as you can guess, my current situation was far from desirable. My whole life was far from desirable, so really today was just following suit, following orders from a subconsciously sadistic part of my brain that had been hidden and tucked away for far too long.

I slumped down against the painted aluminium. "Fuck this, fuck everyone." I found myself muttering to no one in particular; maybe I was just awaking the hungry beast of insanity that slept far too badly inside of me.

This beast however, he always chose to wake up at precisely the most inconvenient times. I didn't have a fucking clue as how I'd tackle the forty minute trek through derelict woodland and god knows what else home and then my mother wouldn't be happy that I'd return late, hypothermic and without my car. Some prick would probably steal it whilst I was gone as well. Why anyone would want a broken car, I don't know, but people are just pricks, okay? That seems to be the only thing I can be sure of these days - that people are going to be worth hating, and people are going to get their worth out relentlessly hating me.

So here I am, my freezing fresh pressed up against the even colder metal chassis of my long dead vehicle, I think I can still hear the exhaust humming, but it's just the pelting of red against concrete. The weather didn't seem to be getting any better at all, the rain only growing in velocity and dropping drastically in temperature. I feel like I'm eternally stuck here, that I'll die of hypothermia soon, the cold metal body of my deceased and overall despised vehicle being the only sensation I'll know as the lights blur out and the sounds washes out my ears, and the feeling buzzes out until I'm numb with nothingness - it'll be the nothingness that'll kill me in the end, the cold was hardly a worthy opponent.

I didn't know why I was still here, maybe I was just too scared to face it out there; the harsh winds, the rain that had recently become hail and those storm clouds that loomed over the horizon, almost taunting me from fluffy water crystal eyes that bared deadly gazes. The world certainly didn't seem friendly and my dead car sheltered me slightly from the conditions out there, leaving me perfectly content to just lay here forever. I even considered falling asleep with my cheek pressed against the ice cold chassis. If I simply got over the temperature, then things wouldn't be quite that bad.

But it would be that, it would be worse, it would be unconventionally hellish in a gut clenchingly systematic manner. I just wanted to put that off for now, allowing the oblivion to take over, and let myself be foolish, because we're all fools, really. We're just far too arrogant to admit it, but really, we're nothing more than a bunch of arrogant fools who discovered money and the greed that came with it, simply stepping aside and letting the world rot away.

I too was an arrogant fool, but I was an arrogant fool who was ready to die, whether I'd get into heaven would be uncertain, but I'm willing to take the risk.

I'm not good enough for heaven, yet nowhere near bad enough for hell, but I'm more than content to roam the void in-between for eternity, because nothing, nothing can be worse than this.

Everyone else was long gone into warm homes with central heating and caring families and friends that don't draw blood (I'm not talking about vampires here). I was a lonely guy - I even felt like I was homeless, alone, starving, cold and needy, with no job, no money, no prospects, no home and most of all no future. Maybe I shouldn't be able to relate this much to homeless people; I doubted it was healthy, but then again would a doctor recommend anything I did?

Would a doctor recommend sitting out in a thunder storm simply for fear of facing what was on the other side of my broken down car? I doubted it. Would a doctor recommend pressing cold sharp metal against your wrists nightly? Not a chance.

I chuckled at the thought, doctors knew nothing, despite how many degrees they had mounted on their walls, they could never quite suss out exactly what was going on in my head, I think they liked to, I think they certainly more than liked to, but really it was more than a pipedream, because they didn't know, they'd never know, because really no one else knows how I feel, except myself. And that's why I choose to be alone, because really I'd prefer my own company to endless questions on hopeless matters.

I think Vic would make a great doctor. He wants to know far too much about things he could never quite understand, I just have to wait until I scare him off, until things go too badly and eventually, eventually he'll give up and leave me to die, but he's persistent, far too persistent.

And if there's one thing that doctors are good at, that's not letting you die.

The car began to radiate some sort of supernatural heat, and despite the fact that my first instinct was that the car was on fire or had some other similar dangerous, heat related dilemma occurring, I just leaned in closer to it, because it was warm and I was far too cold right now. It was warm, it felt real, it felt more real than anything had today.

Pressing myself against the warming metal, soon had my limp frame fast asleep hugging a dead car for comfort, and my mind whizzing off into the darkest reaches of insanity.

-

"Kellin!" I pulled myself groggily awake. Someone was shaking my curled up body, my head bouncing against the car once again, but it wasn't warm anymore, it was as if I was clutching an icicle, a dead corpse if we were going to get especially morbid today. "Get up!" As I pulled my eyelids open, I came to recognise the face of my waker, of course none other than Vic Fuentes. Did the guy have some sort of built in sonar system to detect me? Or maybe it was just that doctor's initiative.

"W-What?" The words stumbled carelessly out of my mouth rather like a drunk man trying to safely traverse a flight of stairs. I rubbed my eyes and took the outstretched hand. Vic pulled me up and looked me down with a concern expression, before pulling my shivering figure against his chest. It was weird, I didn't like hugging him, but at the same time I wanted nothing more than to have his warm body pressed up against mine as I shivered out my troubles against the steady beating rhythm of his heart.

"Dude what hell?" I buried my face into his shoulder, caring too much about stealing his supply of body heat, to even consider answering his question. He was fucking warm, and that was the only thing I could possibly fathom caring about right now. "Fuck, you're freezing!" He exclaimed, pressing me closer against him. "What were you even doing out here, Kellin?" I shrugged into his shoulder, I didn't care to answer and I didn't particularly want to, but I really wasn't in the mood to argue with Vic and I most certainly didn't want to lose my access to his supply of body heat.

"I don't know. I just- my car broken down and I can't get home without it, I fucking don't want to walk through the woods in that shit." I mumbled into his collar bone, not caring how fucking gay we looked, because penguins lived in the South pole right, and they did this to say warm, so surely it was a tried and tested method. Penguins evolved to live there and therefore were more than qualified in keeping warm and not caring if they looked more than a little homosexual. Kellin Quinn - the homosexual penguin. Hmm, I'm not quite sure about that one.

"Ahem?" I pulled away from Vic and his perfect source of warmth as a rather whiny voice piped up from behind us. I raised my eyebrows at a tall girl with blonde hair and a little too much make up on. "Are you two done being gay now, because I am freezing?" She giggled - oh god, she was a giggler.

 Fuck, I didn't even know this girl and I already hated her. Giggling was not a good sign at all. Who the hell even was she? She definitely knew Vic and dear lord I hoped he wanted to shoot her just as much as I did. Maybe she was another one of his charity cases - I certainly hope so, because who would voluntarily put up with someone like her? Not me for one. Then again, Vic seems to rather voluntarily put up with me, so things maybe aren't looking so good.

"Ah, yeah, sorry." Vic mumbled, rather awkwardly pulling away from me and leaving my limp body shivering awkwardly beside my broken down car. "Kellin, this is my girlfriend, Jenny." His voice cracked a little on the word 'girlfriend'. Jenny waved irritatingly at me as if I hadn't figured out who he was referring to in the desolate car park. "And Jenny, this is Kellin, my uhh... friend." Friend? Yeah right. I wasn't in the mood to argue with him though.

Girlfriend? Girlfriend? Girlfriend? Oh dear lord, had she physically drugged him or what? She was definitely not his type- fuck, I didn't have a clue as to what his type was, but it certainly wasn't her, she was the type to be locked up in a mental institution, fuck.

"Oh Kellin Quinn?" She met me with narrow eyes and a peculiar expression that quickly transitioned in an unnerving smirk. This was looking much worse than it could ever be, because if she's heard of me, she couldn't have heard anything but bad things. I wonder if the bullies laugh about me out on the football pitch, I wonder if they use taunts like, 'kick the ball hard! Pretend it's Kellin Quinn's head!', then they'd all laugh, and the score enough goals to win, and Jenny here would wander onto the pitch after the captain of the winning team and she ask him about the taunt, 'who's Kellin Quinn?' she'd say, and that was when her education would begin.

"Yes." I snapped back at her, not caring what shit she'd picked up about me and from where, but really who else would I be? There's one Kellin in the entirely of this fucking town and that's me. "That's me." I mimicked my thought process. I was certainly proving to be one hell of a narcissistic bastard, but whatever.

"Oh." She grabbed her phone and began to text furiously. I hoped it wasn't about me; it however, probably was- no, it most definitely was. "Can we go now, Vic?" She moaned, not even taking a moment to look up at her boyfriend, prioritising her text message conversations with her bitchy little friends entirely.

Or maybe she was texting someone different entirely, I hoped it was the football captain and I hoped she put hearts and kisses on the end of those texts, I just would love her to be cheating on him. It sounded horribly, but I didn't care, anything to break them up, was anything for the better. I was on Vic's side here.

Vic turned to me, a hopelessly crooked smile on his face. It was a fake smile though; I hated how I could tell, but whatever, it was sort of useful, I guess. His eyes were dull and droopy, but his eyes always lit up when he smiled and now this was most certainly not the case. "Kellin, do you want a lift home?"

I shrugged, glancing at Jenny, who was now giggling furiously as her fake nails danced across the screen of her smartphone, but then I glanced across at the weather and settled for putting up with my new favourite person for one car journey; it wasn't as if I actually had to ever speak to her again. Or at least I hoped not, even Vic couldn't drag someone like her into the library, could he? Fuck, I hoped not, but then again she seemed like the type that wouldn't know that the school even had a library.

"Sure." I drew in far too much cold air, my throat felt like it was freezing over. "Why not?" He grinned at me and walked over to his car, Jenny traipsing a few feet behind us like some sort of instant messaging zombie. I wish I could eat her brains out.

Jenny of course called shotgun, leaving me to shove myself in the backseat and pray that Vic drove as fast as he could. Joining me on the backseat, were empty packets of crisps from god knows who long, a half-eaten sandwich, a history textbook and- fuck was that a condom!? I gazed at it like a Mormon parent; it was used as well.

Vic turned his key in the engine, the car engine humming and just as he was about to set off, Jenny's voice interrupted the peaceful engine hum, "wait, wait, wait!" I rolled my eyes as Vic shut off the engine and she eventually slipped her phone back into her totally not appropriate for school 'school bag'. I sighed into the silence, missing the hum of the engine already; I wasn't really a car enthusiast, it was just comforting, I guess. I was just hoping I managed to not fall asleep against the body of this particular car.

"This is the Kellin Quinn, right?" Was the bitch retarded as well - hey, she probably was. Most people at this school seemed to be, along with the majority of the teachers, so as you would presume; it's a rather flawed system.

"Yes, Jen," Vic sighed. I didn't like the fact that he gave her a nickname, it was just weird, the whole idea of the two of them dating was weird in fact; they were like polar opposites and I definitely didn't imagine her to be his type, but I wasn't the one to intrude on his dating life, with much disregard to how he completely intrudes my privacy on a day to day basis. "This is Kellin Quinn."

Her eyes widened, "I'm not riding in a car with him!" Shit, what had she picked up on my in the last few minutes from her bitchy circle of friends. Or more likely Mr Football Captain, there would certainly be some interesting stories to be told from him there.

"Jen- he needs a ride-" Vic attempted to get a word in, but of course she wouldn't be having any of it. She was like a three year old who had discovered fake nails and hair extensions - seriously her face wasn't the only thing that looked like it came out of a horse.

"I want him out!" She was practically throwing a tantrum right now and I considered throwing her a tampon, but that'd be far too indiscreet. Nah, I shouldn't make periods jokes, I heard that girls can even sense you thinking them and explode your organs remotely, or maybe she'd just scratch at my windpipe with those nails.

"Stop being immature-"

"Immature? Immature?" She spoke as if the word was in some sort of Martian tongue. Yes, Jenny, immature - it's what you are.

"Yes Jen-" I rolled my eyes, sitting back and watching the argument ensue. It wasn't that bad actually; the heating was turned on. It was warm at the very least.

"Pick then!" She let out a velociraptor screech. "Me or him?" Oh shit. Goodbye, heating.

"Jen-" Vic bit his lip, looking between the two of us for a far too elongated thirty seconds, before his eyes eventually settled on me, they softened and his lips parted to mouth a discreet sorry. I shrugged, partly glad to be out of the car, but as soon as the weather hit me, I dreaded the conditions entirely, but of course Vic and his girlfriend had sped off before I could even consider getting back in, and I was left to bare it alone.

Kellin Quinn was once again, alone.

-TRIGGER WARNING-

Alone. I laughed at the word, my maddened face contorting into a series of terrifying expressions. Alone. That's what I was, that's who I am. But I didn't want to be alone, I wanted a friend. I was going to call on an old friend. My old friend never let me be alone.

A creak as a rusty draw pulled open, the metal glistening under the starlight. My fingers shivered and picked the sharpest and slashed. And slashed.

And slashed.

And slashed.

Everything was a mess of tear and blood and there was far too much of the two to even consider bringing my heavy head back into consciousness.

I liked to slash, I slashed and slashed. I slashed until my arm didn't respond, my fingers growing numb on my grip and the blade crashing straight to the floor.

My eyes rolled back into their sockets.

I slashed until I could slash no more.

I slashed until I wasn't alone.

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