And With Words Unspoken, A Silent Devotion - I Know You Know What I Mean And The End Is Unknown But I Think I'm Ready, As Long As You're With Me

I hadn't been surprised that Vic left eventually - everyone did. It was something I had gotten to used to and rather unfazed by nowadays, but nothing could shake me like that broken promise, because this was Vic and he always seemed to keep his promises, especially so, in my case, it seemed.

I couldn't complain though - after all, hadn't I just wanted him to leave me alone, and he had done so, no without complaint of course, but then again this was Vic - nothing came without complaint, especially if it seemed like a good idea to me. But I wished he hadn't left- no, part of me wished he hadn't, and it was just that the part of me that wished he had that was shouting the loudest.

I didn't deserve a kept promise though; I broke one for him, so really we were just about even now - I needn't expect anything and I of course had no rights to whatsoever, but there was a part of me that only came to appreciate what I had once it was gone.

I was always stupid like that.

Even as a kid I only really tasted how nice the slice of cake was until I'd finished it all, and I only realised just how much fun I'd had with my friends until they were gone.

And I only realised just how important Vic was once he was gone... I only realised just how much I loved him once he was gone. 

Perhaps it was just that he was far easier to love when he wasn't moaning in your face regarding just about every single move you made, but as my thoughts lingered long I came notice that it was rather the same on Vic's end - he'd only realised how much he felt the need to care about me once I'd nearly gone; he only ever talked to me after he found me just about to bleed out in the school bathroom's.

We'd never really been friends before that of course, but we'd surely seen each other around school before but without the bat of an eyelash. I couldn't blame him though; that's how humans worked - we only seemed to notice things when they were about to be taken from us.

And this had of course entirely backfired on me and perhaps I deserved that more than anything, because the hurt inside of me had prevented me from seeing just how much of a fucking asshole I'd been, because if anything other than self-destruction was my speciality, it had to be being an absolute dickhead.

Perhaps I reckoned I deserved everything, but as I continued to think, everything seemed to make sense... I had an awfully clear head today and I suspected it was something to do with the pills I'd taken.

Well... not pills per say... 

I hadn't overdosed, although that seemed like a particularly enticing option right now.

It was just the rather obvious fact that those doctors were never going to let me out the hospital without an artillery of medication. Anti-depressants, of course; bullshit being my initial response, but seems that after a suicide attempt refusal just wasn't an option - if I ever wanted to leave that damn place, that was.

I'd taken my pills this morning, or rather, been forced to, and it was weird to say the least - I imagined to feel instantly weird and unlike myself, but I felt nothing but dizzy and weirdly light headed - I felt kind of high, in fact, but without the trippy thoughts, I just felt all floaty, barely there.

I felt like I was all thoughts and no person; just a concept, perhaps... it was as if the action of walking in front of a moving car held no consequence in my mind and I couldn't see how this was better than the dull ache of nothingness and eagerness to draw blood from my skin.

The thoughts were the only thing that mattered and it was almost as if all background noise and unnecessary emotion had been blocked out - all it was, was clarity and perhaps this had been all I needed, because as I began to walk through the woods and past the river I began to think less and less of how easy it would be to push my head under that water and die right there, and more of just how beautiful it looked with the sunlight shining upon it through the trees.

And I stopped for a moment and looked at my arms and saw how pale they were - white skin, whiter and creased with straight and painfully permanent white scars in some areas, white and bruised in others, and white, pure and untouched in very few. And I saw what was wrong with it - surely enough it was lacking colour, but what I didn't need was red dripping down my arms like a waterfall, but perhaps a tan that didn't make me look so fucking ghostly pale.

Maybe then I'd feel just a little more alive.

Maybe then I'd think like I deserve the oxygen I was consuming, and then the only time I'd hold my breath would be underwater and not sat in the corner of my room closing my eyes and pretending that I wasn't alive.

And suddenly it was all so simple, and suddenly I felt so there, not dead, but not quite alive either, but just complacent, and complacency was better than I'd gotten in years.

I thought I need to destroy myself to feel alive, but maybe I was wrong, maybe it was all just in my head, as they were thoughts after all, and perhaps if I just changed my mind I could change my emotions too, but whether I could change Vic's mind was something a matter of perspective could do nothing about.

-

I felt rather awkward knocking on Vic's door, and perhaps even more awkward when not him, but his mother answered - I considered chickening out; saying that this w3as the wrong house or something, but I pulled myself together, knowing that Vic was really just the most important thing in my life right now and there wasn't a chance in hell that I was going to let him go.

Especially not without a fight, and after how things had gone down in the hospital, I doubted that anything could happen without one. But perhaps that wouldn't be all so bad - the physicality of the circumstance would only serve as a constant and somewhat painful reminder that this was all so fucking real, which was essential here. This was all real, and this all mattered, especially me. I mattered, I guess.

That felt weird to think, and it felt perhaps even weirder to think that but then again what good did normality ever do for anyone? I could do this. I could stay alive - I knew that, because this was so important now, almost as if my self-preservation instincts had taken seventeen years to kick in.

But at least by now they had, and I was glad.

Perhaps more glad of anything than I had ever been, but I couldn't tell - everything was kind of hazy from where I was looking - real world things, anyway. Everything inside my head, my thoughts and my ramblings, that was clearer than ever before.

I reckoned I preferred this - it was somewhat calming and I almost seemed to forget about the existence of the real world outside my head - I guess I never liked it or people all that much anyway. My thoughts always made themselves out to be better company, even when they masqueraded around as devils in disguise.

"Hello?" The small Mexican woman I found myself presented with spoke to me in a warm, welcoming tone, her eyebrows raised slightly as she took in my rather scruffy appearance, but I was pretty sure that I had just walked through at least a dozen fields in an absent minded state as I sorted through my thoughts, then again, I reckoned it was probably just about the best thing I'd done, and if anyone was to care about the mildly unkempt state I was in, than that was none of my concern at all.

If only it was just as easy as you told yourself it was. Now that would really be a lifesaver, wouldn't it? And perhaps in my case, rather brutally literally.

"Uhh... I need to see Vic... It’s important, I'm sorry." I flushed as I struggled to piece together a coherent sentence in the form of an answer, however despite the absolutely atrocity at which I had failed at this task, she simply flashed me a warm smile in response before calling for her son and gesturing to let me inside. Her kindness surprised me actually, but you know what, Vic had to get this annoying persistence when it came to helping others from somewhere.

I felt rather uncomfortable in such a nice house and with such warm company, and I couldn't help but feel her eyes on me as I slipped my toms off at the doorstep, turning to her awkwardly as we both waited for Vic to appear, and then the argument that was sure to unfold afterwards. I just hoped she would have left before Vic started screaming at me as I came to the realisation that something like that would result in necessary explaining of a subject I'd rather my perhaps ex-boyfriend's mother wasn't all that aware about.

Also, perhaps more importantly, she was Mike's mother too. I didn't want her to be reminded of that ever again, and I didn't want to become her problem - fucking this all up with Vic was already bad enough, but to do the same to his mother, who was quite probably still grieving the suicide of her younger son, that would be absolutely horrible.

"He'll be a minute." She reassured me, taking, what I found to be an embarrassing notice of the anxious expression upon my face. 

Part of me wished he wasn't coming, part of me wished he'd never come and that I'd never have to face him and endure what was to come, but the other part of me; the stronger part of me, knew that above all, I needed to if I ever wanted to truly rise above this - I was weighing myself down, my own heart was my own anchor.

And unfortunately, she was right. In fact, Vic turned around the corner just seconds after the words left her lips, leaving the two of us exactly face to face in his hallway, with his mum barely a foot away, which I reckoned just about anyone could tell didn't make for the best of situations.

Vic clearly hadn’t gotten very much sleep recently which was connoted via the darkened bags around his eyes and his messy hair; he was even dressed awfully casually in some sweatpants and an oversized t-shirt, and when the scruffiest thing I'd seen Vic in was a hoodie, I was rather taken aback.

"Kellin..." He finally broke the silence, and I turned my head to watch Vic's mother disappear elsewhere into the house, really leaving me to Vic's mercy - perhaps this hadn't been the best of ideas after all, but there was very little I could do about that now. At the very least, Mrs Fuentes wouldn't have to witness this and she wouldn't have to know just what had happened, just how deep underground I'd almost rendered myself.

"Vic, I... I... I'm so sorry-" I couldn't even finish my sentence before he had practically tackled me into a hug, pressing me deep against his chest where I was more than happy to reside. And perhaps it did seem as if I had over estimated the situation, either that or Vic was in a really good mood right now. Or maybe I was hallucinating, and with the anti-depressants I wouldn't dismiss the idea, especially with the completely unexpected reaction I'd just received, it'd probably make more sense for me to be hallucinating than for this to be reality.

"I love you, Kellin. I'm sorry I should never have left, but so much shit happened, you just- aghh... you could have died and I just couldn't deal with a repeat of what happened with Mike." He explained at what seemed to be at least one hundred miles an hour, his words coming out like word vomit, but the content of his words was nowhere near putrid enough... it was bittersweet, perhaps, and crushing a little, but if anything, it was important, and like me, like Vic, like the two of us, it mattered.

"I... I love you... too." I managed to push out in response, and as the whole world seemed to stop for a moment I came to the terrifying conclusion that it seemed like I actually meant it. Well, fuck. Fuck me. Fucking fuck me.

"What matters more is that you love yourself though, I just, if only you could see how beautiful you are, you could never ever feel as bad as you do-" I cut him off with a gentle kiss placed right on his lips, and I reckon that perhaps that was just about the best decision I'd ever made, and perhaps even the only good one.

"I'm getting better, Vic. I'm going to try, and I am going to be better." I met his eyes as I spoke, my words coming out in the format of a promise, and I just prayed that this one, I could keep. I couldn't tell now, though - I could never really tell, but I could try and that would have to do right now. I had to try, even if not for myself and my own sanity, but for Vic Fuentes and the sincerity in his eyes when he told me he loved me, and for Mrs Fuentes and the way she still smiles even after the death of her son, and the way she still keeps on going even without him.

"I'm so proud of you, but I'm curious as to what brought on the sudden realisation?" He asked, one eyebrow raised as he absent mindedly lead the two of us and our conversation away from the hallway and into his room, which was probably for the best - this was the part I didn't fancy Mrs Fuentes overhearing all that much.

"I... I just thought. It sounds weird, but for the first time that all the self destructive thoughts shut the fuck up, everything just made so much more sense and today I just sort of woke up, maybe it was the whole shock with you, but I just woke up and realised what I was doing with my life and how much better everything could be, because I've been looking for four leaf clovers in a field only of flowers."

Of course I had to sound like a pompous twat as I said it, but saying it almost made it real in a way - it made this matter, and this all feel like it mattered and was worth something, because it was, and despite what my mind screamed at me at times, this was what mattered.

"I hope you keep this up, Kellin, I hope this continues and I hope you do, because loosing someone else that matters so much to me is not something I can cope with right now, or ever at all. I think Mike's death was really what broke me in two completely - the fact that I could never even see him again and ask him why... why he broke his promise... it sounds stupid, but hurts that I'll never know, you get that?"

I nodded, my mind focused on the subject of Mike, but not quite on the words that were leaving Vic's mouth, but more of the fact that Vic could in fact talk to him, and the fact that for once I really had the power to perhaps fix everything for the person that mattered the most.

This sounded like a terribly stupid idea.

And it fucking was.

But that never seemed to stop me from putting a gun to my head did it? So I didn't see why it would stop me now.

Common sense, perhaps?

"I can't help but feel like it was my fault - I mean he was depressed for a long time coming but he promised and I even thought he was starting to get better and I just... the way it happened was all so sudden and unexpected and I can't help but feel as if there was something I could have done to stop him and stop all of this, but that’s too late now, so what matters is that I can save you - you matter so much, Kellin, and believe me when I say that - I just can't lose you. I love you."

"I know, Vic, I know. And as far as I know, I'm staying right here with you, you won't lose me, unless you want to." I pressed my words in his side like a promise and for once, a real promise that I wanted and forever intended to keep, because this mattered - we mattered, and for once it felt like I really had something or someone to live for, even if that something, that someone, was nothing more than Vic Fuentes.

"Why would I ever want to? God, Mike thought that... he thought that everyone would be better off without him and I just wish he knew how wrong he was, I just wish I could talk to him, ask him why, tell him I love him, even if only for a few seconds, but god, fuck, nothing works the way you need it to."

He let out a drowned out sigh, sadness filling his eyes and I just couldn't look at him like this - I couldn't bare to see him like this, and I knew I could stop it, but I daren't, did I?

I could fuck this up so much.

I daren't fuck up the one thing that mattered so much to me, did I?

I didn't have the courage for that.

But for the sad, lost look in Vic Fuentes' eyes, I did.

"But... Vic, you can."

Hey guys:) I hope you enjoyed this chapter - I reckoned you deserved a slightly less soul destroying one this time;) I love you all<3