I Think I've Lost A Lot Of My Friends Through Belief That I'm An Instrument. Well Fuck Me If You Must Then Treat Me Like An Old Friend. I Can't Exist Within My Own Head So I Insist On Haunting Your Bed

It had been about a week since the night Vic slept over and I still hadn't told him about Mike. I just couldn't bring myself to gather the balls; I was so fucking afraid of what he'd said, and I just left myself cowering inside my own pathetic life built of lies.

This castle of lies was going to crumble down and it was going to be soon. I was losing myself here, especially with no pain and no red to keep me in order, I was just an undisciplined mess, and that was how insanity worked - it'd pounced upon people like me, and I didn't blame it. All insanity wanted was an easy catch, as we all did - insanity was clever, it deserved the sanity it stole.

And I deserved this all. I couldn't even tell Vic about his fucking brother. I was choosing our relationship and the stability of that over someone incredibly important to him, and when he eventually found out I knew it couldn't be anything more than my fault at all. He'd hate me, and I'd have to find comfort in that, in the real sanity of it all - I was a flawed human with very really fuck ups and emotions that just loved to wreck havoc more than it was okay.

I knew that all morality was screaming for me just to let the words slip from my lips, because honestly it was even kind of cruel to keep it from him like this, but of course my own fucking human fear overruled any signs of sanity at all. That was how my selfish little head worked.

It had been about a week since the night I threw away my fr- blades and I hadn't cut, yet. I'd wanted to more than anything, and I suspected that I was even going a little insane from the thoughts running rampant in my head. My mind practically buzzed whenever I saw a knife; yearning for it, and it seemed as if I had a physical dependence upon my own self-destruction also.

Which would of course be an entirely new shade of fucked up ready for me to be plunged into without warning. Life just went like that.

Maia and I were just at the park, sitting on top of the kids' play park thing and generally pissing the parents off to extremes in the process. We didn't even look particularly thuggish - I mean, I had straightened my hair this morning; I looked more of a faggot than anything else. Which I guess was pretty accurate, considering I was occupied with my boyfriend and his not quite so dead brother.

And this really shouldn't have been a problem, but I was well aware that people did drugs here at night, and I was perhaps even more well aware of the discarded needle laying right underneath the painted metal we were sat upon.

It was a fucking needle. A needle that someone had used to inject heroin or god knows what else into their system, and I knew that, but I couldn't help but fixate myself with the needle and just how fucking beautifully sharp it was. That was the kind of sharp that could fuck over my pale white skin into a mess of red that I might not even wake up to see.

I just didn't care anymore; I was a rampant pain addict and I hated how hard this was. I never expected it to be easy, of course, I didn't think I was quite that stupid, but I hated the reality of this all. I hated the real world itself and loved how the blood and the dizzy buzz that clouded my head took me elsewhere temporarily - I loved being absent and able to forget and I hated the cold hard fact that I was a really person with friends and schoolwork to care about.

It was however the dirtiest fucking thing I'd ever seen. This was the sharpened equivalent of a plague rat from the middle ages, but unlike the rats, this needle had disguised itself as something beautiful, something tempting, which made it all the more dangerous, and in turn all the more enthralling, and I was such a fucking sucker for that. It was temptation itself and with both my sanity and common sense vacant, I was in no mood to even put up an attempt to resist.

I didn't want to inject anything into my body, but right now I didn't care, I just wanted the familiar comforting pain, I needed it. Nothing could amount to it - Vic had been a wonderful boyfriend, of course, but he could never give me that self destructive love that a fucking needle could, that anything sharp, anything familiar and creating red against my skin could, and if Maia wasn't here right now than I suspected the situation would be very different than it was.

Because without Maia nothing here was stopping me from tearing myself apart from my own pleasure, I could ruin myself in a way that no one else could, not even my worst enemies most intent upon destroying me... I was the only one that had this kind of power and I loved that. I needed that. It was all I fucking needed and yet all I could never have, because I'd made a stupid 'heroic' decision for the sake of Vic fucking Fuentes. He could go fuck himself. He didn't care, not really.

It had been certainly worth it at the time, but when I thought of things realistically, I knew I could never keep this up, and the needle only played testimony to that. I was lying to myself by now, I was just going to end up with a new set of friends and a fresh start, rather like when I'd got to forty once again. I wouldn't be lying but what I would do wasn't quite sticking to the promise I'd made.

Loopholes were fucking fantastic.

"Stop it, Kellin." Maia's voice tore my away from my own self destructive thoughts in a way that I couldn't help but hate, my eyes drifting away from the elusive needle and back up to meet hers. "Stop looking at anything sharp like you're a fucking sexual predator it's freaking me out - I don't even want to imagine what's going on in your head."

Neither would I, so really I was in position to be even offended by that statement, but I was a pissy, over sensitive little fuck at heart, well, what left of a heart I had now anyway. I just felt like a fucking shell these days; I barely felt real without the blood red reminder of my existence and just how to put an end to it.

Ending it right now even felt useless, pathetic, because I didn't feel real at all. I felt like the gun to my head right now would be writing with pen devoid of ink - broken, almost, but never to be fixed. No one fixed pens, they just bought new ones. No one bothered to fix me, they just got new friends. And when you can rather accurately compare yourself to a biro, you know that you're really quite fucked up.

"See this is why I need it." I exclaimed, my eyes darting about maniacally as I struggled to contain myself and the emotions hear words had brought out in me. "I can't think straight without it. The pain, it just keeps my head straight. Self discipline, really." I shrugged, knowing far too well Maia wasn't buying my words, even if they were thoroughly wrapped in the truth, and I even if I believed them myself, and honestly, I didn't... not quite.

"That's fucked up, Kellin. Not gonna lie here, but you have to try and get better - that's what we're doing here and that's why Vic's holding on so tight, because he cares about you, because he loves you. And if you love him back you at least deserve him the fact that you're trying." Of course she had to go around and guilt trip me by bringing Vic into this, which was something I'd really rather not do, but then again, with Maia my choice was very little to non-existent entirely.

"Of course I love him." I mumbled in response, my head hung low, not quite wanting to catch her eyes as I let the next few words slip out, knowing far too well that she wouldn't like them already. "I don't deserve him, though." I reminded the both of us of what was really nothing more than the obvious - Vic was the head boy and I was the charity case. He was beautiful and I was not, and as you could see there were certain issues here.

"Shut the fuck up, Kellin." She glared at me, giving me that I will not hesitate to slap you look, which I had of course thoroughly expected and was in fact emotionally prepared for.

"I haven't told him about Mike, you know - that's his own fucking brother. I'm pathetic." I let out a sigh, my eyes eventually travelling back down to the needle because I was stuck in this horrible endless cycle of self destruction and by now I was even beginning to doubt that there was any way out of it, because suicide wasn't looking very promising at all these days.

"Then fucking call him up and tell him-" She began; her voice rising in what anyone could tell was annoyance.

"What just spring it up on him? No? I can't just go, yeah hey, your brother isn't really gone, he's a ghost and he's stopped me from killing myself several times - that would be really fucked up and you know that, Maia." I snapped, sighing as I leaned back against the rusting metal, my eyes focused upwards upon the almost photoshop blue sky. It was too fucking perfect, nothing was really like that. The world was just taunting me now wasn't it?

"Yeah dude, I guess, I'm not good with relationships - hook ups I can do. Long term, not my area, honestly." She let out a sigh, forcing her lips up into a smile in the aid of comforting me, which I guess would be impolite not to appreciate.

"I haven't even spoken to Mike about this, hell he might not even want Vic to know about him still being here..." I inhaled what felt like all the oxygen on the planet right now before continuing. "I've got to go talk to Mike, which considering the fact that his head's fucked up is harder than you'd imagine."

"I want to go with you." Maia added as I moved to get up from where I lay, her eyes set stern as she conveyed that she was set in stone with this decision.

"Maia-" I protested, not quite so sure about involving Maia in this. I mean, who knows how Mike would react to her, and I really couldn't afford to fuck things up more than I already had. I guess it was just my speciality move or something, fucking great.

"I owe you this, you're my best friend Kellin, and I'm doing everything I can to make sure that you're okay and that you stay that way." I wish I could just make her give up, but she was persistent and almost no matter what I did, she remained with that attitude set in stone, and it was seriously beginning to get to me by now.

"Don't go all Vic on me, dear god." I exclaimed, chuckling as light-heartedly as I could manage. It physically hurt my chest though; my heart and lungs tugging down on my veins, as they just wanted to let go, and perhaps I wouldn't mind that at all. "I can only cope with one of him in my life."

"I can barely cope with him on his own." Maia admitted, laughing like she meant it, which sent me crazy. It was unfair how some people could just go through life with a breeze and I could barely even breathe without wanting to kill myself. "He got me out of some shit yeah, but I don't like people buying my friendship. I'd rather be friends with..."

"Assholes?" I added, eyebrows raised, truthful in one of my answers at the very least.

"Yeah, assholes like you." And as Maia hugged me, I didn't think I even thought about that needle and the red it could cause for at least a whole minute, which in this state of fucked up was definitely progress.

-

"Mike?" I called out, treading nervously up the cliff, Maia at my heels. It was so much weirder now I knew that the dude was a fucking ghost, and god, he didn't even know that I knew, this would be such a fucking fucked up conversation.

"Kellin..." Came the familiar voice of Mike as he walked out from the trees, gesturing for us to sit beside him where he'd positioned himself. "Oh god... Maia?" His eyes widened as he locked his gaze onto her, leaving me in a state of utter confusion.

"You two know each other?" I asked, gesturing between the two of them as I begged for an explanation, my eyes widening as I wondered how the hell this could possibly fit together and as to why on earth Maia hadn't mentioned this.

"We... uhh fucked a few times..." Maia admitted, blushing a little at the mention of it which was ironic more than anything. And I soon remembered how Vic had told me that Mike liked to sleep around to say the least, and with that kind of demeanour, I really wasn't that surprised that their paths had crossed at one point or another.

"You fucked a dead guy?" I exclaimed before I cover my mouth, Mike gazing up at me with wide, blinking eyes.

"I... uhh..." He stumbled out, blushing a little, which I wasn't sure ghosts could actually do, like where the hell was the blood coming from?

"He was alive when we had sex." Maia reassured me, looking as if she was about to kill me, despite the calm and collected tone with which her words were released.

"How do you know?" Mike stuttered his eyes coming up to meet mine. "What do you know? God, I'm so sorry for everything..."

"Vic-" I could only push one word through my lips, before he sparked up, interrupting me instantly.

"Vic, is he okay? Tell him I'm sorry, how is he? Fuck... I..." And then the weirdest thing happened because Mike started crying.

"You promised him you wouldn't shoot yourself." I finished for him, causing Mike to look up at me as if I'd just predicted his future or something. "And you did, despite the cliff. You shoot yourself still."

"How the fuck do you know this?" He screamed out, shuffling away a little.

"Vic's... uhh... my boyfriend." I admitted, blushing a little.

"Fuck, don't you ever fucking try that fucking shit again, no you can't you will not hurt him again, fuck, don't you fucking even think about ending yourself, Kellin, you fuck." He screamed at me, before burying his head in his hands. "Tell him I'm sorry."

"We will." Maia spoke for me, noticing how I sat there utterly frozen and very much unable to speak at all.

"He doesn't know..." I choked out after a moment of silence. "He doesn't know you're still here - I haven't the fucking guts to tell him. He's going to freak out on me, and perhaps even call me a liar and I'm selfish enough to be shit scared of fucking up what him and I have here."

"It's okay... I understand." Mike sighed.

"No, I'm going to tell him, tomorrow I'm going to tell him. I am, I promise." I met Mike's eyes with sincerity.

"Thank you." He breathed out. "Tell him that I'm sorry and that I want to talk to him, if he'll let himself that is. I'm guessing he's still a fucking stubborn bitch."

"Yeah, that's for certain." I added with a grin.

"And promise me, Kellin?" 

"Yeah?"

"Promise me you'll never let him or yourself go. Hold on, I can't have him be hurt again - I've already fucked him up too much." Mike sighed, and it was then that I could help but let my heart ache too.

"I promise." And I couldn't lie to him, so I promised, I really did, and I left myself to deal with the regret later.

"I just... I fucked up so bad, I was all into drugs and sex and killing myself and it wasn't pretty... hell I even thought I was cool at one point, but those kind of thoughts really do get to you in the end. I was just stuck in this mind set that fi anything too bad happened, I'd just fucking kill myself, and that doesn't sound all that bad but trust me it's the worst, because you're pulling your life away from your control and you're putting it to the loaded gun, and the drugs, fuck the drugs made it worse. Drugs do that - make you feel better and worse all at the same time, but you don't stop, you never fucking stop, no matter what you tell yourself, and then destruction ends up hand in hand with the drugs - I'd snort a line and put the gun to my head and see if I'd pass out before my finger stopped shaking above the trigger..."

"You..."

"I promised him, I know, but shooting myself was the easy way - the coward's way to go, so of course it was the only way for me. I'm a fucking coward and we all know that." He let out a sigh.

"I don't think you are. You still care so much about Vic, even now." I told him, holding onto whatever I had left, making him feel better about himself for morality's sake, because I really doubted he could just kill himself again or something.

"Guilt and bravery are two very different things."

"They just seem the same to someone with a good heart." Maia added, smiling a little. "Because it's brave to accept you've done something wrong and feel bad for it, rather than run away from it entirely."

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