I Savour Hate As Much As I Crave Love Because I'm Just A Twisted Guy. Is This The Pinnacle, Is This The Pinnacle, The Pinnacle Of Being Alive?

"Kellin!"

I was awoken by hands shaking my limp frame back to consciousness - his hands, of course. No one else would even dream of caring and I was strangely very content with that - I didn't feel the need for peoples' sympathies at all; I just couldn't seem to get away from Vic's no matter how hard I tried. By now, I'd even given up trying.

"Kellin? For fuck's sake..." His words were heavy and full of a weird kind of resent. He didn't curse all that often, but today he let the curse slide from his lips with ease and without the bat of an eyelash as he seemed to have given up shaking me, leaving curiosity to slowly fool me into pushing open my eyelids.

Perhaps I shouldn't have. And the moment the light flooded my eyes I instantly regretted opening them at all: Vic was curled up crying just across from me, the reason entirely unknown until I remembered my arms and the utter mess I'd made, and perhaps more importantly the promise I'd broken.

I hadn't gotten to forty... I gotten to seventy by now, and that was what pulled my consciousness away, but I just had to fucking wake up, didn't I? I just fucking had to. God, I hated this recurring and undoubtedly vicious cycle.

Fuck.

My fingers curled around the stained silver blade that had caused all of this - I hated my friends now. It was okay when they hurt me, but as soon as Vic got upset that was entirely too far. Vic was crying and they'd caused it, along with me of course, but I had to get rid of them - I'd work on getting rid of myself at a later date.

I kept the blade tightly curled up in my palm as if it might make a break for escape as I stumbled to my feet and made my way over to the draw where the rest of my friends resided. Or Ex-friends, I should say, because no matter what they thought, we most certainly weren't friends anymore.

I grabbed them all; I wanted to leave one in case of emergencies, but what they'd done to Vic was entirely too much, so I grabbed them all. Vic overruled emergencies entirely; I think Vic overruled just about everything, actually. That really was kind of crazy to think about.

Vic only looked up at the sound of me opening the window; he croaked out my name once more, most likely imagining I was to jump from the window, but for once he was wrong in all the right ways. I turned back to him, flashing him a reassuring smile before I threw my ex friends out, leaving them to land in the skip underneath my bedroom window, destined to live in a dump where they belonged.

No one hurts Vic, no one.

"Kellin..." He breathed out, the floorboards creaking as he scrambled to his feet, heading straight in my direction. "Did you really just get rid of them?" He asked, utterly in disbelief of the situation, despite having seen me do so in front of his very eyes; I guess he thought he was hallucinating or something, which was something I didn't blame him for because throwing away the blades was something I really thought I'd never do.

"Yeah." I nodded, turning around to face him, my head bowed a little as the reality of what I'd just done suddenly came crashing down on my already shuddering heart. "All of them." And then, fuck, he started crying again - I'd fucked up again, hadn't I? I hadn't a clue how or why, but he was crying and this just couldn't be good. "Vic-"

"Kellin..." He sighed out for the millionth time, before pulling me against him and just fucking kissing me, which I must admit was a little unexpected but I really had no objections to this at all. After all, it was Vic and he was kind of cute, in a weird, annoying, arsehole, kind of way.

Our lips met in a manner that I'd never imagined lips to. It was weird in the way that it seemed to be meant to be; the way our lips fit together perfectly like puzzle pieces, the puzzle completing itself as our hands intertwined, once again perfectly.

"I love you." He proclaimed as he pulled away, the look in his eyes screaming nothing but sincerity and pulling at my heartstrings like they were the strings on a guitar in the process, because god he made my heart sing the most beautiful tune. "Don't forget that - I fucking love you."

I blushed, giggling a little, and of course utterly embarrassing myself as a result. "I love you too." I didn't even have to focus: the words left my lips on their own accord, and suddenly for once I was smiling and everything felt okay, and it was really weird as fuck, but there were certainly no objections on my front, because perhaps, okay was okay.

Vic just smiled more than he ever had before and still refused to let go of my hand as he sat down on the edge of my bed, leaving me with very little choice to sit by his side, unless I wanted to lose my hand, that was. And trust me, I wasn't particularly keen upon that idea at all.

"I'm so proud of you, Kellin." He whispered, brushing my hair away from my face where I'd let it hang; I shivered a little against his touch - in a stupidly sappy fairy-tale kind of way, it was just magical, special, and meaningful. "I just want to see those beautiful eyes of yours." And I had to fucking blush at that.

"I only did it because of you." I admitted, my head down, biting away at my lip with the hopes that it'd stop my heart from fluttering like a fucking hummingbird in my chest. "Throwing them away, I mean." I thought it best to clarify just what I meant.

"You should be doing it because of you." He insisted, seemingly still unsatisfied with the fact that I did this because I was in love with him - Vic was weird like that, and I wouldn't change it for the world.

"It made you cry and I didn't want you to cry and it was the only thing I could think of doing." I confessed, pulling his body closer to me, and savouring the way his skin felt pressed up against mine, slowly coming to the realisation that nothing really mattered quite as much in the world.

"It was the best thing you could have done, I promise you that." He whispered against my ear, my breath hitching with the warm feeling his words left against my skin. "I'm going to help you get better, okay? We can do this together."

"Are we seriously dating now or something?" I asked, my eyes wandering in Vic's direction, attempting to judge his reaction, and going for it regardless. "Because I'd like that." I added with a little crooked smile.

"I'd like that too, you know." He grinned at me, laying back on the bed, his eyes fixated upon the ceiling, and I couldn't help but join him as I amused myself with that giddy little grinned plastered to his lips as he stared upwards, generally looking like a complete dork.

"I'm scared things will get fucked up again." I confessed, my body shivering a little in the harsher side of reality where heartbreak was a very real thing indeed.

"Kellin, the issue was your cutting and your reluctance to stop. I... I just couldn't cope with the fact that I knew you were going to do something that'd fuck you up one day and I couldn't stop it... It reminds me too much of Mike." I gulped at the mention of Mike, coming to remember that I still hadn't told him, and that I did in fact have to tell him, because I couldn't keep secrets from him anymore, especially not secrets like that - secrets about his not quite so dead brother.

"Things are different now?" I asked, a little overwhelmed by all the faith he'd suddenly put in me: there was this little nagging thought at the back of my hand that knew I'd let the two of us down, eventually...

"Kellin, you wouldn't have gotten rid of all of them if you weren't serious about this. That's a hard thing to do and trust me when I say that I'm proud of you, because I really fucking am." His words were convincing and to some extent even inspirational, but my mind was otherwise concerned with the matter of Mike, and just how guilty I felt not telling him, and just how easily I could just blurt it out.

I could just let it slip at any moment I wanted to; I could just say it and leave Vic to freak out all over me, but I couldn't do that now not when for once everything was alright. I just couldn't afford to fuck things up again. I'd done that far too many times already and I wanted this - I wanted us to work this time.

"I'm sorry." I choked out, the words slamming themselves out of my throat as I was almost catapulted back into reality.

"About what?" He turned to me, concern very visible in his eyes - a general characteristic of Vic Fuentes; one I'd gotten far too accustomed to recently, and of course via no fault other than my own.

"I broke my promise, didn't I?" I gestured down to my arms and as I looked down I was surprised to see he'd bandaged them up. "Fuck, I wish you'd stop doing that." I let out a sigh as I picked at the bandage a little, wondering why he persisted with this - I most definitely didn't.

"I hope I'll never have to again." He smiled up at me, and seriously this endless optimism thing was creeping me out just a little by now, but at least we were good right now and I was very certain that him kissing me counted as good. Excellent, in fact.

"Are you staying for a while?" I asked, gesturing towards the already late hour proclaimed on my alarm clock, hoping he was, not for anything like that, but I just honestly didn't want to be alone right now. Because it was when I was alone that I brought my friends out to play and quite honestly I was petrified with the nothingness I knew with what to waste the time.

"Of course I am." He grinned, pulling me closer to him - a gesture I in no way had any objection towards, pressed my nose against his arm and taking in his scent and just how fucking safe it made me feel right now.

"I'm glad..." I admitted, my words muffled against the fabric.. "I don't want to be alone tonight." I moved my head up, whispering the words into his shoulder.

"Mmm..." He nodded, smiling down at me just a little awkwardly. "I don't want you to be alone either, in fact, I don't think you should ever be alone, Kellin. I should just invade your house and never leave." I did quite like that idea, well to an extent, anyway.

"That'd get awkward at some point." I admitted, blushing a little.

"What?" He asked, eyes open wide and completely innocent, and oh fuck what was I saying?

"I'm going to have masturbate eventually you know." I don't know how I'd suddenly gained the confidence to blurt something like that out, but Vic was kind of like a drug - giving me confidence and happiness out of nowhere.

If Vic was a drug then I knew for certain that I was most definitely addicted to him.

"Oh.." He blushed a little, before he came up with something entirely worse. "I think I'll be keeping you far too occupied for you to have to do that though."

"Really?" I raised my eyebrows, glancing up at him and blushing like hell, yet still trying to push my words through that.

"Yeah." He grinned, rubbing circles into my back. "I think tonight I'd rather just watch movies and shit though." He admitted, returning my blush.

"Yeah, me too." I nodded in response, leaning into his touch a little.

"Hey, I'll go out and get some snacks and shit you pick a movie, okay?" He whispered and after receiving a nod from me, he got up, and grabbed his phone from where he'd left it on the floor earlier - something I'd barely even noticed amidst all this.

"Dude it's practically midnight where the hell are you going to get snacks from?" I asked, still not having moved from my awfully comfortable position on the bed, because damn my bed was comfy - I would say it was impossibly comfier when Vic was in it too.

"I have my ways." He tapped his nose, giving me a wink.

"What? The twenty four hour open Walmart down the other side of the block?" I asked, eyebrows raised.

"Mmm... something like that."

-

I just found myself lying there for a while, almost basking in just how weird this whole situation was - it was so weird to have lost all my friends in favour of a boyfriend. Wasn't that exactly what all the chic flicks told you not to do?

They were bad friends though, and judging by the fact that Vic's gone off to Walmart in the middle of the night for snacks, I would say that Vic's a good boyfriend. A particularly good one, not that I've had much experience in dating, so I couldn't exactly judge with experience, but I'd say he's doing pretty good so far.

It's weird to think what would have happened if I hadn't called Vic then. I originally called him with the intention of telling him about Mike. I felt as if I had to, because I felt like I was going to die, and as much as it may hurt him he deserved to know.

I couldn't tell him now though, that'd just fuck things up. What had happened here was weird; somehow it felt like I wasn't supposed to do the 'right' thing and get rid of my blades, because none of this felt real at all. I never imagined this would be how things might work out and I honestly never imagined that I'd be even vaguely happy.

Right now I was the happiest I'd ever been; it was kind of weird, almost as if the blades themselves were dragging me down and now once they were gone I was slowly getting better. I guess it was true to say that they were just the bad friends dragging me down.

I could have been dead by now if I hadn’t called Vic - that was the reality of it, and it was so strangely powerful and mind fucking that my head was beginning to spin. It's almost incomprehendable how the whole world's fate is entirely affected by our choices and emotions. It's so powerful, and it's so weird to know that because of that we all matter - it's like the world is a tug of war, and we have to have the right amount of people pulling to keep it stable and good, and if I'd have died then the whole world would have been affected by that in some sort of ripple.

And it's so weird to think that I wouldn't have even imagined that at all, because Vic could have been at a funeral tomorrow, instead of the school day I'm going to convince him to bunk off with me. It's crazy it's fucking crazy, man.

"You haven’t even moved have you?" My thoughts were interrupted by his voice in the door way, making me known of his presence, a grin sliding over my face before I could stop it, not that I really could be all that bothered to.

"I have decided on a movie though. We're watching The Avengers, go and put the disk in," I gestured with my hand towards the shelf. "It's somewhere over there." I grinned, my hand falling limply back onto the mattress.

"I think putting the disk in was kind of your job." He admitted, rolling his eyes and chucking the massive Walmart bag in my directions before he went off to put the disk in, despite his reluctance.

"Jesus how much shit did you buy?" I exclaimed, pulling enough food to feed an entire third world country out of the bag.

"Rich parents." He shrugged it off, and I rolled my eyes.

"What is your butler going to say about this?" I joked, pulling on a posh British accent that was certain to piss him off to an extreme.

"Fuck off." He rolled his eyes after putting the movie in and coming to join me on the bed (not like that).

"You forget this is my house." I said with a smirk, feeling far too fucking proud of myself.

"You forget how many detentions I've gotten you out of and how I could instantly expel you if I saw fit." He rolled the words off his tongue almost as if it came naturally and considering his arrogant side it probably did.

"How have you even managed to fucking practically play God over the school here?" I let out a sigh, leaning back against my bed as the movie began to start.

"I've probably sold my soul to Satan in the past or something man, I don't know. I think the school and just generally stupid and don't really give much of a shit to be honest."

"I think it's best that way."

"Yeah, you just don't want to do any detentions do you, Kellin?" He teased.

"Something like that, but it's apparent you don't want me to do them either, isn't it?" I winked at him.

"Yeah, I'd rather cuddle and watch The Avengers with you than supervise your detention or some shit like that."

"Who said anything about cuddling?" I raised my eyebrows, smirking just a little.

"I did!" He proclaimed and before I could process as to what was happening he'd fucking pinned me against the bed.

And let's just say we didn't end up watching all that much of the movie after all.

Hey guys:) I hope you enjoyed this chapter and if you did, I'd really appreciate it if you took the time to vote and/or comment. I love you all<3