I Saw Your Ghost Tonight The Moment Felt So Real If Your Eyes Stay Right On Mine My Wounds Would Start To Heal

Mike was something that just wouldn't leave my head. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't rid my thoughts of the ever-growing enigma who was now as I had far too recently learned to be the second Fuentes brother.

I didn't want it to make sense, and in fact I just didn't want it to be real, but when I really looked at all the evidence laid out for me, it was really just pointing nowhere but the truth. Everything just fit together; all of Mike's nonsensical ramblings pieced together into one mess of matter that resembled his lifeless state.

Everything told me that he was a ghost, but of course, ghosts weren't real, well not really, and if they were, they certainly weren't quite so human like as Mike. I'd believed him to be human ever since I'd met him; he wasn't at all faded or pale or even not quite there - he was very much human and very much real, well his body away.

His head, on the other hand just didn't make sense. His brain contained the scattered, mismatched and transparent particles, not his body, but that didn't seem to be plausible, in fact none of this seemed to be at all plausible, and honestly it was making my head spin just from thinking about it for so long, but I just couldn't not think about it. It was important now, relevant, and I was easily letting my curiosity get the better of me.

The fact hat held me back the most was my skepticality towards the existence of ghosts, like man, we just die - that's the fucking point, to fucking die. I don't want to come back and roam around a cliff top driving people I know just a little too well into states of near insanity - I want to be dead, I want to be gone, I don't want to have to deal with this mess of humanity ever again.

But ghosts don't exist of course, perhaps Mike's just hiding, perhaps, he isn't dead at all, perhaps there is an obvious explanation which I'm just far too ignorant to see. Perhaps, maybe.

But by now not even rationality is going to fix this mess that's clouded my mind; I think I'm going insane with the insanity surrounding me, because none of this makes sense not at all.

I think maybe I should tell Vic about Mike, but I very much doubt he'll believe me or take a single word I say seriously, and I can't just go up to Mike and ask him what the fuck's going on, because he's Mike - he'll give me some cryptic bullshit, that's for sure. I just want the fucking truth for once... how fucking hard is that?

I just don't know what to do with this at all, but I can't just keep it in, because if I do, I'm pretty sure I might just explode with the rampant thoughts marching through my mind. And this mess is what leaves me in the bathroom at school, my eyes fixed on my reflection, and my fingers curled tightly around something cold, metal, yet not so familiar. I had to make do in the temporary.

And just as I'm about to start, about to create the first, the thick almost, gassy silence is penetrated by the echo of footsteps and then the sound of a door first opening and then after a few seconds slamming shut again as the footsteps grow louder - nearer.

"Kellin?" Maia has the right to be concerned, considering what I'm holding between my fingers and the obvious elephant in the room regarding just what I'm about to do, but that doesn't at all settle the sickening feeling that her tone strikes within me.

"Hello..." I released all the air from my lungs, clutching the sinks far too tightly in a mediocre effort to stable my struggling form. I didn't exactly know why I even bothered to answer her in the first place, but it was like Vic all over again - I just couldn't stop myself, no matter how hard I tried, I guess my mind just had other ideas.

"What are you doing?" She let out a short sharp breath as the blade landed on the tiled floor with a loud clatter, her eyes turning and fixating upon it. There was her answer - I doubted she wanted one all that much from now on, though.

"You... you know, Maia. You fucking know." I spat out, falling into a heap on the floor - I just couldn't fucking take this, not anymore, not any fucking more. And still, despite my desperate pleading, there was still no quick escape.

"Fuck!" I cursed, my head throbbing as my thoughts ran amok like evil spirits that just wouldn't shut the fuck up. They never did, and I doubted that they'd ever do - I was going to die like this, with their voices screaming in my head.

"Kellin!" She exclaimed, her eyes widening as she dropped her bag where she stood and rushed over to me, offering her arm out and pulling me up. "Jesus, Kellin, what the fuck happened to you? And don't say you're okay, because seriously, you are most definitely not."

And for once, I did agree with her. This time, she was right though, so honestly, I wasn't going to be quite that childish, come on.

"I... I... just... I think I'm going insane, Maia, like fucking properly insane." I emphasised, meeting her gaze in order to convey my sincerity, and still I could barely hear myself think over the sound of yelling and screaming and just how much I wanted, how much I needed to die.

"I just can't die, can I? Fuck. That's all I fucking want, you know? To be rid of all this shit, and still I can't manage it. I'm fucking pathetic, just go, you don't want to talk to me - I know that for sure." I told her - she had no say in the matter, because I wasn’t going to let myself be tricked and fooled again this time. I damn well knew what was happening here and she wasn't going to keep me in the dark once again.

No one really cared about me at all, no one. It was all just fakery, all lies, because no one would let me achieve what I need, what I want, no one's going to let me die, so this time I have to take charge of it for myself. Yes, that's what I need to put - just grab a gun and press to it my head... yeah. And pull the fucking trigger. Then they'll be fucking sorry.

"Kellin, listen to me, you're not insane, you're not pathetic, and I'm your friend for a good damn reason and that's because I like you, okay. Why would you even think that?" She clutched onto my wrist as if I might topple over again, which wasn't all that unlikely considering the havoc my mind was wrecking right now. The thing is though that her actions were spot on, but her words were nothing but lies - pure fucking lies. 

"I can't shut it up." I protested, clutching my forehead and wincing just a little bit more than I would be at all happy to let on. "It's deafening - I can barely even breathe, I'm being suffocated by it." But it's the worst kind of suffocation because I never really stop breathing entirely, and honestly that just takes all the fun right out of it.

"What?" Her eyes widened, as if this was surprising her, god. "By what, Kellin?"

"My head, my thoughts. They never fucking stop - a thousand little voices up there, screaming at me, because nothing makes sense - none of this makes sense, and now they're laughing because I'm weak, and nothing makes sense, fuck. I think I'm hallucinating as well; I don't think he's real; perhaps I'm not even real, are you even real? Are you real, Maia? Don't lie to me."

"Of course I'm real, Kellin." She was definitely worried now - I could see it. Perhaps I was insane; it was growing even more likely by the second. Maybe insanity wasn't all that bad. Who knows? I reckon, though, that whatever it's like, it's got to be better than this feeling shit. God, fuck. I hate this.

"What doesn't make sense?" She continued, still for some godforsaken reason, able to put up with me, able to convince herself that my unhappy existence was worth more than either of our sanities. God, we were weird like that, and sometimes I just honestly did not understand how and why people work the way they do.

"Everything." I stressed, pushing the word out to her like it was the only thing I had, and quite honestly that wasn't even at all too far from the truth.

"Kellin, I gathered that." She let her lips turn up into a small smile - for what, I had no idea. Sadism, perhaps? Or am I just overreacting here? Most likely the latter, seeing just how narcissistic I can be. "Expand, please."

"He's dead, but he's not - he's alive, and I saw him, but did I... I don't know, I don't fucking know, Maia. What if he's a ghost, but he can't be a ghost; that doesn't even make sense, none of this even makes sense. My head- fuck, I just can't think... nothing means anything yet everything means all too much and I'm buried alive amongst my own thoughts, because I saw him, and he's dead, Maia, he's dead. What the fuck does that mean? I'm insane, aren't I? I know I'm insane, just tell me. Lock me up and tell me. Get it the fuck over with!"

"Kellin," she grabbed my arm just a little too tightly and I didn't care just a little too much, because perhaps feeling was something I way past by now.

"Calm down, please." I slumped to the ground once more, and this time she only pulled me up into a more comfortable sitting position, and she simply ended up joining me herself. "Explain this, who is 'he'? Tell me everything."

"His name is Mike, Mike Fuentes-" I began, launching into an explanation I really doubted that I had the guts to finish.

"As in Vic Fuentes?" Her eyes widened and her tone demanded clarification as she met my gaze.

"Yeah, he was his brother, and that's just how everything gets so fucked up, because the first time I met Mike, I didn't know anything about him, he was just some guy, fucking with my head and the thoughts that resided inside it - I wanted to kill myself, Maia. I was going to fucking jump, but he stopped me and I just don't understand why... he didn't make sense, he doesn't make sense, and the thing is, I kept seeing him - it wouldn't stop, he wouldn't leave ma alone as if he was meant to do this, to stop me from dying and generally keeping me stuck deep with a perfectly concocted state of insanity."

"This dude's dead?" As if I hadn't given that away by now, but fuck whatever, this was confusing me so I couldn't even begin to imagine what little sentence this was making in her head.

"Yeah, that's the fucking crazy thing, because Vic found me... I was nearly dead and then he took me to his house and he just wouldn't let me fucking die in peace, he got me back to life and then fuck, he uses that 'again' word. He used it before... he told me that he doesn't want to go through so much shit again, because he showed me Mike's picture, and he told me his story, because you know what's the most messed up thing of all? Mike died, Mike killed himself - he jumped off that very cliff I was going to jump from. He's dead, but I've seen him, or have I? This is so fucked up, he's not a ghost, he can't be a ghost, but fuck, he can't be alive, can he? You don't believe me though do you? I'm insane - I know it!"

I just hated how she groomed into this state of trust and friendship - it was sickening and I knew there was some sort of exterior motive behind it, as there was with everything, but this was just fucking with my head.

"Kellin, I do believe you." And it was the sincerity with which she met my gaze that lead me to believe her, and it was the brain cells I surprisingly happened to possess that told me this was just about the worst fucking idea I'd ever had.

"You do? Seriously, Maia?" She nodded, biting back what looked suspiciously like a smirk. "Are you insane?" She burst out with laughter at that, and honestly I couldn't blame her as I was just about the poster boy for insanity right now.

"Shut up, Kellin." Her tone was of course light-hearted, but I was still of course uncertain and untrusting, and I didn't blame myself due to both my arrogance and the fact that my head was spinning faster than I could make out what the hell was going on.

"Neither of us are insane. I believe you though. You haven't told me a lot, but what you have does make sense, and with every little detail, I'm sure I could piece the whole thing together-"

"What do you mean?" I stopped her midsentence in order to express my utter confusion, and general distrust in her overly sugarcoated words.

"Mike's dead, Kellin, but you're not insane." Unfortunately, I just couldn't chose which half of the sentence was or wasn't a lie.

"That means he's a fucking ghost then, how the fuck can he be a ghost? He doesn't at all look like a ghost - he's human, he's alive, he looks like it and he... he just doesn't talk or act like it... His words and sentences don't make sense and his emotions and reactions are off or sometimes not even there." I continued to explain, praying that somehow Maia was making sense of all of this.

"Are you sure he jumped from the cliff, Kellin? Or that he didn't just die there... because... because..." She met my gaze, taking a deep, sharp breath before she continued. "Kellin, if he shot himself, the bullet entered his brain, only his brain would be destroyed and fucked up, his body would be intact. If he died from a cause such as a car crash or something, his body would be broken and his organs wouldn't work, therefore his body would be the part that wasn't intact."

"Jesus, Maia, how the fuck do you know all of this?" I exclaimed, my mind spinning like crazy, but yelling seems to have stopped momentarily, and even if it was just only for a second, it was a damn second that I was going to appreciate.

"My mum, she's spiritual and shit... she knows this kind of stuff, it's in no way professional, she just started learning about spirits, the afterlife, and that shit after dad died, she likes to talk to him still - he had cancer in his lungs, and it's his mind that's okay... in fact most of him is, he's just deprived of oxygen, he looks very dead, almost creepy, but he's quite visible. Mum just knows a lot of this by now, but she just doesn't know that dad doesn't care about her anymore..."

"Maia?" And now I'd grown to hate the silence, because god fuck, I was fucking spoilt rotten. I didn't deserve anything at all, perhaps not even my own fucking death, but I wasn't going to put something I need that much in the hands of morality. After all, it's not like morals did much for anyone anyway.

"I'm fine, don't worry." She pulled a hasty grin over her lips. I didn't believe her, but unlike Vic fucking Fuentes, I wasn't one to digger deeper and smash down every single boundary she had put up, despite the fact that they had obviously been put up and were there for a goddamn reason.

"Can I maybe talk to your mum about this?" I began, my words wavering in the air like they didn't belong there at all, and honestly they didn't at all feel like they should. "Because honestly how the fuck am I even supposed to convey this to Vic, or even approach the subject with Mike, like fuck, at first I thought he was high or something, because he can’t answer one single question at all properly. He's useless, barely there."

"I'm pretty sure, he shot himself then, Kellin. I'm sorry." She let out a sigh, and I took a moment to disregard the screaming in my head and go on my instinct, even if considered stupid, and trust her. Perhaps this would be the decision that'd kill me, but you know what that wouldn't be all that bad now would it?

"Yeah, Vic, he said that Mike had a gun and was going to shoot himself, but Vic walked in on him, once you know and..."

"God, fucking... fuck..." She exclaimed, her eyes widened almost as if she was trying to absorb the situation within its entirety. "No wonder he's so worried about you, Kellin. You mean a lot to him, god."

"Yeah, I know, he only cares because the saint within him just 'can't let this happen again'."

"No, Kellin. It's not like that at all... you can tell that, because Kellin, you're a stubborn little fuck and quite honestly if he didn't whole heartedly care about you then he would have given up and deemed you a lost cause by now."

"Maia, do I tell him about this? I don't think he'll understand..."

"I don't think he will either, because honestly, you two are just as stubborn as each other, and I think that's why you work."

"Shut up."

"Go find Vic, though, go and tell him you love him, fucking kiss him, I don't know, because he needs to know that he's not going to loose you. See, I'm always the best at advice - always right, huh?" She winked at me.

I nodded, but inside I knew the truth, because not even Vic Fuentes would stop me from the peaceful afterlife in which I could forevermore reside.

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