Pulled Away By The Tide And Lost At Sea All Your Senses Soaking, So Heavy That You Can't Breathe

"Kellin-" He was the one to cut off his own words, his lips hanging loosely in mind air as he stumbled to meet my gaze - something I just wouldn't let him do, knowing I was already screwed enough and that I really didn't need to go and throw someone as horrifically influential as Vic Fuentes into the mix.

I hated the fact that Vic could even be referred to as 'influential', because in all honesty, I simply wanted nothing to do with the arsehole, who had somehow now come into a terrible position of importance within my life, but trust me, I never intended to fall in love with him at all.

I guess it was just one of those unfortunate circumstances that kind of fell up you, leaving you to deal with the mess alone; I was far too familiar with situations like those.

"What?" I snapped at him, stepping back and pushing my hair away from my eyes, coming to a silent conclusion that in fact sleeping it off did not just make everything better in the morning. Your eight hours wasn't some sort of magically reset button - it was just a forget button, but a temporary one at that.

After all, a permanent reset sounded all far too good to be true, as it was of course. The only permanent reset life could offer you was with the barrel of a gun pressed against your temple, and a finger just a little too trigger happy.

Maybe it was the fact that sleeping was entirely accidental and that Vic had just managed to get too comfy on my sofa, leaving the two of us to drift off into dreamland, sleeping for approximately five hours, in which Vic didn't go to the meeting he had to make at school and thankfully my mother didn't come home, because that would seriously be a questionable sight for her to walk in on.

"The thing is, I feel like you're not even fucking trying." His eyes travelled down towards my arm to further accentuate his point, despite the fact it had already rather firmly locked itself into place in my head.

Vic had woken up and see the mess on my arm again, the grogginess of sleep perhaps having him view in a different and unspoken yet undoubtedly more truthful light. He hadn't been happy, and that made two of us, except the source of our discontent resided in two different things entirely.

And of course, Vic's content was temporary and could be easily fixed - mine wasn't quite like that at all. I think maybe I'd even gotten used to my discontent by now, but of course it's vital to remember that content and acceptance are two vastly different things.

"What do you mean?" I spat in response, shooting the strongest glare I could muster right in his direction. It was, without a doubt, a childish gesture, but I really couldn't care at all, besides, this whole situation was downright childish so it fit the bill perfectly.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" I pushed my words out into his unamused silence: he knew I knew, and quite frankly he just didn't want to admit anything. Cowardice was something the two of us could share at the very least, even if it was a trait I put all my heart into despising.

I very much knew as to what was going on up in that head of his. In fact, I probably knew an awful lot more than I would have liked to. I just wanted to hear him say it - to watch as the words left his mouth, as he inflicted emotional pain upon me.

I wondered if he'd have the guts to do that, and the sadistic part of me would even like to see him try. Who knows, maybe it'd feel fucking great to have him put me down - to have him hurt me; to know that this self hatred wasn't a symptom of insanity but in fact the truth, and that all along, everyone had been lying to me and really I was very much right.

"You know, Kellin." He let out a deep sigh, his gaze drifting towards as his cheeks flushed a terribly vibrant shade of red which I reckoned he really didn't deserve. "You know what I'm talking about."

I nodded in response, as I wasn't going to go to the extent of hypocrisy that was lying straight to his face in search of the truth. Perhaps that was a beautiful thing, but only if irony was all you desired. I loved the utter heartbreak of sadism, and honestly irony just didn't quite cut it for me.

"Why are you asking me then?" He quizzed, his brow furrowing further as the words slowly departed from his lips in a display of badly hidden uncertainty, but then again, Vic was never quite that manipulative to hide such emotions that screamed to be in plain sight, and perhaps I was glad of that, but perhaps I really wasn't.

I wasn't sure yet - I was just doing a far better job of hiding my uncertainties. Maybe it was from my experience, having uncertainties about well, absolutely everything: nothing in this world seemed to make sense to me, maybe I was arrogantly stubborn, branding things wrong if they didn't come as I saw fit, but there was little I could do to fix that by now.

Fixing things never seemed to work for me, my life arriving and remaining in what was a totally broken state. It wasn't the best, but I had learnt to put up with it by now, so it did okay for me... well, my use of 'okay' is kind of subjective. As is everything- now I sound like Mike, and that's something that I really don't want to think about.

Mike's just weird. There's no other word to put to it other than that - weird. He's just the flicker of something intriguing you thought you saw in the corner of your eye that turns out just to be a shadow or something equally as dull when you take a closer look at it.

For one, I really don't want to associate with Mike all that much. It just kind of happened, I guess, and it keeps happening and something tells me that the fact that Mike's there every time I want to jump is just more than coincidence.

I think perhaps I should find a better way to end it - a way no one can at all interfere with. Then it'll be my decision and my decision alone, and hopefully, it'll be sooner than I'd think.

The longing for your own demise is somewhat peculiar, yet of course it seems to be the only thing I count on, so perhaps that little but of weird is just a little bit more important than you'd think.

"Words are important." I watched his expression fall deeper amidst the pits of confusion, deciding it best I resorted to clarification. "I want to hear you say it aloud."

"You're not fucking trying, Kellin." He pushed forth that snappy attitude once more, perhaps amidst some delusion that it might actually affect me in anyway whatsoever, but really I was far past the stage of giving a damn about pretty much anything these days, and really that was for the better.

Vic certainly didn't see it that way, but the way I saw my life surely mattered a great deal more than the way in which he deemed I ought to live it. In fact, I deemed that I shouldn't be living it at all - this was of course something Vic really took a dislike to.

His problem was that he really just didn't get it, and quite honestly, Vic was just one of those people that were never going to get it, except the thing about Vic was that he had this awful habit of perseverance, and so far it had been proven as a habit which I was really utterly unable to shake.

"What's the point in trying?" I responded with words that were set out with the intent to complete break down his perfectionist school boy perception of reality; not in a spiteful manner, more of a refreshing one. I wanted him to understand how I saw the world for once.

It was a hopeless cause but if he could set his heart upon this perseverance thing then so could I, or at least I reckoned so, despite being all too keen to give up on life itself entirely.

"The same as the point in everything, Kellin, you know-" I interrupted his words before he could spew out any more brainwashed shit, because quite frankly it was making me sick to the stomach and I really didn't fancy cleaning the carpet again. We're not going to discuss the first time, but I can tell you, the carpet does look prettier when it's splattered red.

We all need a bit of colour in our lives. Some like to paint on paper, some like to paint on walls, some like to paint on canvas, and I like to paint with the coldest and harshest friend I've known when it's one forty seven in the morning and the world is so dark that they only thing I can see is red.

"Nothing." I let out a sigh. "There is a point to everything and here it is - nothing." I let the start of my sentence sound promising just to watch a smirk spread across my lips as disappointment hit him like a tidal wave. He should know - never expect anything and you won't be disappointed. I've learned that the bone crushingly hard way, believe me.

"Kellin-" There was his voice once again, a monotone whine as he continued to push forward his opinion - something that sported utter nothingness yet something he deemed valuable despite of the blindingly obvious aforementioned truth.

"Nothing."

"Why do you think that?" He finally let out a sigh with his opt for a peaceful approach.

I didn't particularly appreciate his questioning, not in the mood to explain my whole life story to him, but I suppose it was certainly better than the alternative of another shouting match.

"Why don't you?" I decided to be horribly irritating and answer his question with another, setting us straight for a painfully repetitive cycle of questioning until one of us let down our pride and gave in with an answer in the form of a simple statement.

"Because I can see so much in life." He let out a sigh, stepping closer to me in what was probably the least aggressive manner, which really helped a great deal in calming me down. Not that calming down was in any way beneficial in the grand scheme of things; nothing was really.

Sometimes it's peaceful just to remember how fucking irrelevant we are.

"And let me tell you, Kellin," he met my eyes, the two of us now touching and I let his hand reach out and touch my cheek, "I'm really sad that you don't. It hurts me how you can't see the beauty in life and this world, and I know how much you hate this, but I want to change that for you. Or at least try to."

"Try to sounds better." I met his eyes with a smile that he was embarrassingly relieved to see. "You're already arrogant enough, Victor." I let my smile lap over into a smirk, watching as he raised his eyebrows at me, clearly just pissed off enough for it to be light-heartedly amusing.

"Arrogant?" He clutched his chest and stepped back in an animated display of mock offence. "How dare you? I, Victor Vincent Fuentes, the magnificent, the glorious, the wonderful, the sexy, am not at all arrogant." He ran his hand back through his hair in a ridiculously diva like manner.

"I think you just proved my point there." I noted his arrogance breaking out of the cage that had never even been locked anyway, because Vic was just like that.

"It's called sarcasm, Kellin." He entwined our fingers boring his eyes into me with that stupid puppy dog eyed look that I'd somehow managed to be irrational enough to fall in love with.

"I know, I know." I let go of his fingers, sitting back down on the sofa and gesturing with my eyes for him to join me.

"I really should go, Kellin - I mean, I've fucked things up here already far too much and I've somehow got to justify as to why I didn't attend the meeting earlier today, I mean I can't kill off any more great grandmothers without it looking too suspicious.

I giggled a little at that. "You should be setting a good example, Victor."

"Oh god." His eyes rolled back into their sockets. "You sound like my father."

"You represent the family, Victor." I changed my tone into something a little less pubescent and pushed my lips out dramatically with every word I spoke; I looked ridiculous, but somehow - for once, I didn't care at all. "Don't let the family down!"

"I'm going to have to listen to that later tonight after he's heard about my absence at that meeting, I'd rather by spared it now, from you of all people."

He let out a sigh, his eyes drifting to the floor as he bit his lip and his body sort of huddled up closer, and then I realised that this was really the first time he'd ever spoken about his family to me and it looked an awful lot like it was triggering some unpleasant memories.

"Vic-"

"Look, I should be heading off now-"

"Vic, I want to talk to you." He looked up at that, biting down on his lip furiously in a dramatic display of the can of nerves that had been let off like a hazardously unsupervised firework show inside of him.

"What about?" He managed to spit out after a few moments, letting me glance him over as sympathy filled my veins, because despite the fact that I hadn't a clue as to what was going on in that head of his, I knew that it really didn't look good, and of course only then did it occur to me that Vic may in fact just have problems of his own.

"What's going on in my head, and perhaps what's going on in yours too." He met my eyes with a flash of panic, which soon settled down with the aid of my calming smile, or at least I reckoned it was calming. Perhaps he just felt pathetically sorry for me... it was probably the latter, or that was what I reckoned anyway.

"Can I ask you something, Kellin?" He stepped towards the sofa, glancing between my eyes and the spot beside me - a gesture of uncertainty if there ever was one.

"Yeah, I kind of intended that to be the point here."

"Why weren't you in school, like really - it wasn't just the cuts, was it? Because I've seen you at school with fresh ones before. What happened, Kellin?" I let out a sigh, falling back against the back of the sofa as Vic joined me on the sofa; a gesture I reckoned most likely signified the fact he was staying.

I really should have guessed that this would have been the question for him to ask, seeing as it was really the elephant in the room - he'd just thrown a blanket over it temporarily. But despite this, I still wasn't at all sure as to how the hell I was supposed to respond.

"Things were just really bad, I guess." It was half of the truth, but at least I wasn't lying as such... I was just, let's say, omitting a few details, which just happened to be crucial, but whatever.

"Mhmm?" He met me with raised eyebrows. "Seems like a lot more than that. I've seen you 'really bad' in school - thousands of times." Fuck.

"Really, really bad, then. Whatever."

"Kellin..." He let out a sigh, reaching for my hand and entwining our fingers. "I thought the truth was the whole point of this."

"You won't like the truth." I admitted.

He met my gaze with sincerity, clutching my hand extra tightly as he pushed out the next few words. "I just want to know, Kellin. Trust me, there's nothing either of us can do with the fact I won't like it; I don't like all of this - the fact that you're depressed and want to kill yourself, but I don't like you any less for that. I love you Kellin, okay?"

"Okay." I let out a sigh. "I was going to kill myself..." I stopped, catching his gaze for any tell tale signs of an oncoming freak reaction, but after relaxing into only the sympathy I swear amidst his dark brown eyes, I continued. "I didn't... It was weird; I'm not sure if I regret not doing or not yet."

"I for one, don't regret that you didn't at all." I nodded, having guessed that easily by now.

"This guy... I don't this guy was there - I'm not even sure if he's real, I'm just going to say he is because I really don't want to accept the fact that I might have been hallucinating- wait, does that make me even more insane or what?"

"Kellin, don't worry, you aren't going insane - if you saw this guy, he was real." His words were sugar-coated to hell, but I went along with them anyway because they were comforting and supported my sanity to the very last moment.

"He was really fucking weird though, I swear he was high or something. He kept going on about how nothing was real and everything was in our own control and then he was literally sat a metre away from me and he knew I was going to jump off this fucking cliff and he didn't even care. And what's even more baffling is the fact that I still haven't quite figured out if that's good or bad yet..."

"Why did you stop if he didn't stop you then?"

"I don't know, Vic, it sounds pathetic, but I just couldn't do it." I let out a sigh, meeting his gaze for the first time in a few minutes and gauging his reaction.

"You're not pathetic, Kellin. You know what? I'm proud of you for not jumping, okay?"

I nodded, my gaze travelling downwards as I bit my lip in a silent state of utter disagreement with every word that left his lips.

"I feel pathetic though." I found myself admitting out of nowhere.

"You're not, just please Kellin, I can't deal with you jumping off a cliff, please someone jumping from a cliff is something I don't want to go through." He pulled his gaze downwards as he pulled the last word out from between his lips as if it held a burden up on him.

"Again."

His words were barely a mumble, but to me, they were audible; very audible indeed.

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