HEART-TO-HEARTS WITH HAVEN
Episode One: Wattpad "popularity" and the need for validation

hey guys! welcome to heart-to-hearts with haven, a section of my spam book in which i chat about certain topics that are on my mind. when i tried to do this in my previous spam books, it was kind of a mess of me ranting, so i decided to structure things a little better and hopefully be a little more eloquent here. one of the goals here is to open up a dialogue with my readers and share our thoughts on a specific subject. it's always interesting to see what other people think!

anyway, without further ado, today i wanted to talk about fame/popularity and the need for validation on wattpad.

so, i guess i can kind of say now that i'm a fairly popular user on here, as least in the niche i'm in (the most followers i've seen a oc x oc fanfic writer have is a few thousand, and that's, like, super rare). i've got over 850 followers, even though i don't particularly know why, and 155k reads on my most popular book. that's not me trying to boast or anything, just building context. 

my "popularity", if you can really call it that, mostly comes with the acatalepsy series, the first books i ever posted on here that i didn't take down. i am lucky enough to get comments on it nearly every day, which is honestly wild, since i started posting it in late 2019. it did take me a while to build up an audience, but, like, not that long. i'm sure the fact that it was one of the only lucas fics on here at the time played a part in that, haha.

but anyway, that popularity definitely had me riding on a high for a while. the "golden era" in which i posted mad'ouk and paroxysm (i remember that i'd get comments from multiple people MINUTES after i updated a chapter) was probably when it was at its peak; now, it's still there, just a little puttered out. i remember when i first started getting consistent comments, i would try to reply to every single one of them, no matter how many there were. it was such a cool feeling, knowing so many people were connected to my work, and every time i opened wattpad in the morning, it was exhilarating to see the comments i'd gotten during the night. 

when i was still updating mad'ouk and dealing with a little writer's block with paroxysm (i pre-write all of my chapters wayyy in advance so i can go back and edit them), i decided to try my hand at a new fic. this one, real ogs will remember (i know i always say that, but some of you are still around!), was a stanley barber fic called the killing moon. back then, i was convinced that my acatalepsy audience would flock to another one of my works—after all, it was still me, right? why wouldn't they want to continue to support me, if they liked my writing?

and yeah, the killing moon did get a little traction at first, but it was quick to die down. i hadn't pre-written as much of the killing moon as i had the acatalepsy series (i think i was only around three chapters ahead of my updates), but i was trying to get ahead, using my comments as motivation. basically What Not To Do 101, but whatever.

long story short, no one cared about the killing moon as much as i did. likely because it wasn't a stranger things fic, or just because it wasn't interesting to them. i was getting fewer and fewer comments with every new chapter, and because of that, i was no longer motivated to keep working on it—or even keep it published. the killing moon went back into the drafts, and i focused solely on the acatalepsy series.

...until ignis fatuus.

i can confidently say now that the ignis fatuus series is my pride and joy. i think the writing in both books (though specifically paramnesia) is some of the best i've ever done, i managed to win a watty (!!!), and i believe i wrote a really compelling character with nadine. i have definitely been dragging it out for two long (i posted ignis fatuus in 2020, ohmyGod), but also i got into, like, a year long period of writer's block with paramnesia, so i think i should be forgiven. anyway, though, it's never been as popular as the acatalepsy series. 

i thought it would take time for it to build, so i waited. and yeah, i got a little more traction, but not that much. so, a year later, i entered it into the wattys, solely because i'd been doing so since 2017 (fun fact: i entered acatalepsy back in 2020, and didn't even get shortlisted). when it somehow ended up winning, however (i still have no idea how tf that happened), i was like, okay, this is it. it'll finally get more reads now.

it still hasn't. 

now, i've accepted that nothing i post will ever get to the level the acatalepsy series did. i guess this was sort of a one-hit-wonder situation, and i've already reached my wattpad peak. and yet, though i know this, i still struggle with an intense desire for validation.

yeah, that was a whole lot of backstory to reach this point. but also it was kind of needed, so shut up.

i've always heard of the detriments of social media. i had to watch this video for my psychology/sociology on how social media affects your brain, and it was honestly eye-opening. but i never thought that i was really one of those people that dealt with a social media addiction, solely because i rarely post and typically only used platforms like instagram to look at memes. my average time a week on social media is now 35 minutes—or so i thought.

the truth is that wattpad was the social media i was—and still am—addicted to. i guess i didn't count it before because it's a writing app, but it's had the same effects. i check wattpad constantly. i have the temptation to check it while writing this, and i know i'm about to give in. i am always refreshing the page, looking for more notifications, even when it's been, like, thirty seconds. it's a problem.

the video i watched ("how social media affects your brain", by buzzfeedvideo) states that when you get positive feedback on a post you make, the part of your brain that releases dopamine is triggered, giving you a temporary reward. in this case, the positive feedback that i am seeking for that dopamine rush is a comment on my work (not a vote. they honestly don't do shit for me). the video also says that when you don't get the reward you aimed for, you try again, maybe deleting the post and reuploading it, or just posting a new one. 

this is what i've been doing, practically since i've started on here. and, shit, i really hate that i realize it but still can't stop. i tried to take a break from wattpad late last year in order to get out of my own way with this stuff, but it didn't work. the second i came back on and posted again, i was already waiting for the fucking validation. 

...which doesn't even do much for me, anyway! even when i get the comments i want, i only get excited for a second before going back to apathetic. it's so stupid.

and yeah, it's also really shitty of me. i know i should be more grateful, but i can't bring myself to be. i know that i should be happy i still get comments on the acatalepsy series. but i'm not.

i've created this issue where i rely on frequent comments to give me the motivation to keep updating, even though i know i'm never going to get it. that was why conquest of spaces, my guardians of the galaxy fic, was eventually unpublished, even though i'd actually finished writing the whole thing. that was why i never finished nyctophilia, my very old stranger things fic, or trail of the fireflies, my hunger games fic. to be honest, i don't know how to figure this all out.

so, to the other writers on here: how do you deal with the need for validation on wattpad? how do you stay motivated even with a lack of interaction on your work? how do you prevent yourself from becoming so addicted you're checking your notifications every five minutes?

i genuinely want to hear your thoughts.

also: sorry if i sounded like an asshole here. i just wanted to talk about this, because i've been grumpy for the past few days because of wattpad. 

don't feel pressured to go and comment on my works, btw. that is not the intention of this. the intention is to actually do the opposite: to make it okay for me when i don't get the comments. even though i'm probably going to be awaiting comments on this, like the hypocrite i am.

thank you for reading the first episode of heart-to-hearts with haven! i hope the next one will be less grumpy, lol. 

love you all <333