Cyclamen; Resignation & Goodbye

Hey Jas.

To be honest, I don't really know how to start this. I've never been good at words or written any letters before this, especially one addressed to you. I mean, I could always just walk a few steps to your room to talk to you whenever I wanted to so there wasn't a point to. But after making my decision to leave, I thought I had to. I didn't want to leave you without anything.

I'm sorry for this decision that I've made. I really am. I know it's selfish. I know it's going to hurt mom and dad. And you. I know I'm only choosing to escape everything by doing this and all the consequences aren't on me. But as wrong as it sounds, it felt...right. Of all the things I've done and the decisions I've made, this one felt the rightest.

I'm just tired of everything, of everyone and this world.

I guess people would think it's the stress that pushed me to this decision. I admit it does play a a part. But you know what, Jas? It's not all there is to it. I did used to love studying. I love getting good grades, making dad and mom proud. Seeing their smiles made everything worth it and I was able to be proud of myself. I thought I was doing great, making people around me happy. But people are selfish and never satisfied. They asked for more and I gave them what they wanted. I gave and gave and gave even when I had to throw away some parts of myself to be able to do that. Until I couldn't anymore. I was too empty to. I started hating studying. I tried to let it go, but I couldn't, because it was the only thing I had left.

Wherever I looked and whoever I sought out, it turned out the same. People shunned me. They approached with a motive. They were jealous. They put me down even when I did nothing to them. I had no one who tried to know the real me. Eventually I gave up on them. I thought with that I'll get better since it was my choice. I thought it wouldn't hurt anymore if I was the one who left instead of being left behind. Yeah, it did feel numb. But numbness was even worse than being hurt. At least being hurt was still something you could feel. Being numb is just...nothing.

I've tried many ways. I tried laughing it off, crying, telling someone else, convincing myself that it will be okay. Nothing helped. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to deal with this emptiness inside me.

Over the years, I've learned to smile and say I'm okay, to suck it up and do what people say is the best for me. But for the first time, I became aware. I didn't have a dream. I didn't have any hope. No joy. No opinion. No directions. Just nothing. I was lost and completely empty inside. That's why when you told me your dreams, I was happy for you. Somehow I started believing and hoping again, but in you and not in me. And it made me relieved, as you were different from me. I just know you'd turn out differently from me.

When I was handed the university application form in school, something inside me broke. I realized I didn't look forward to anything at all and nothing could spur up a single emotion from within me. Life is too mundane, and everything I had and did was for someone else's sake. Day by day, years and years, until my death, will I find freedom? A purpose? A meaning to my life? This meaningless 18 years of my life. Were there any significance?

Remember that girl I dated for a while back in grade 8 who transferred after we broke up? I met her just a week before summer break and she was doing well. She looked straight into my eyes and told me she was happy with her life right now. And that was the last trigger for me. We dated when we were both lost and confused. But now she was doing great and I was still the same old miserable me. It sounds stupid, to get so triggered by someone else's happiness. But I guess my biggest fear is staying the way I am now forever. And meeting her reminded me that I indeed was the same. I couldn't see any hope in me anymore. That's when I decided to end everything.

It's nothing worth talking about, but I just wanted to let you know about my reasons of doing so. Maybe then you can judge for yourself if what I did was right or wrong. And that none of these are your fault. None. I know you, Jas. Even if I've said all these, I know you'll still be blaming yourself. But please don't.

Don't cry over someone like me and don't blame yourself and live in guilt. I'm not worth it. I disappointed everyone and I wasn't strong enough to keep going. For myself or for you. I'm a coward. And I'm sorry.

Even so, can you still do me a favour? Promise me that you will never stop chasing after your dreams and do all you can to achieve them. You don't have to succeed, but just give it your all. That'll be enough. I'm sorry I couldn't be there to see you reach them, but please, don't walk down the path I took. Don't be like me. You're you. You don't have to live under my shadows. I believe in you.

Thank you for being my little sister. I know I've never expressed how grateful I am for having a sister like you, but I truly feel blessed to have you by my side. By no means did you not matter to me. You do. In fact, you mattered the most to me, even more than my own life. That's why I didn't want to drag you down with this huge burden that is me when you tried to reach out to me. It was already enough for me when you did.

Help me tell mom and dad that I love them too and that I'm sorry I couldn't be the perfect son they wanted. And I wish to be buried in Minaburgh instead because that was where I felt the happiest. Visit there again, Jas. I saw a different you when you were there with Uriah and I hope you'll be able to find the same freedom and solace in Minaburgh as I did. We all need a place to escape to.

Also, the answer to your question before, whether I'd still want to be your brother if I could choose. I'm sorry I didn't answer you then. I really am unfair, huh? Well the answer is yes, yes, and yes. I'd still choose to be your brother if given me thousands of chances. You're the best sister I could ever ask for. Thank you for loving me.

You don't have to forgive me, because I know I've hurt you deeply with this, but don't ever forget that I'll always love you no matter what you do from now on, alright? With that, I'll be leaving now. I'm sorry, thank you and I love you. I truly do.

Sincerely,

Trevor Fletcher.

----

And that fully concludes the first summer! I'm worried about how you will react towards such a turn of events, but that's my style -- always making my stories bittersweet. Trevor was honestly my favourite character in the entire story and I assure you, I died just as hard. This letter is written partially based on my own experience or feelings, so I do hope it tugs on your heartstrings a little, those who have experienced similar things. But please don't take the route like Trevor did. Even if you don't think you're worthy, there are people who will feel empty and heartbroken when you leave. Give life another chance. As long as  you live, there'll be another chance for anything. 

I'll be taking quite some time to write the next chapters again, since a new semester started and I have to plan the next summer as well. Thank you for following this story. I'm mostly writing for myself as I love this story a lot and want to see it complete, but to those who reads it and enjoys it, thank you. So, till the next update then!