Distance
- Wanderer Prompt -
{Majanthi #3}

.:+:.

She did not feel distance in any sense of the word, usually.... no amount of leagues or miles or whole landmasses stretching out in front of her really felt like a great distance. Even in all her travels from one place to another, none of it felt like a distance, or even all that far for her- getting some place wasn't some stretch of earth and land that needed to be overcome in order to get to a destination. It was not something to be conquered, or won over- the journey itself was just as important as the destination to her, so she didn't feel a gap or a distance of any kind..... usually.

Majanthi did not spend any amount of time reflecting upon her own feelings and emotions, there was no time to wallow in any of that and neglect her endless duties to the arid lands and all they housed. She could not waste time becoming lost or consumed by internal thoughts and strife. She had too much to do, and her work required a clear mind and a serene soul to be most effective.... She endeavored to be as effective as she could. To be the best she could and do her utmost at all times- working tirelessly on the vast garden she had been honing and trimming for so, so long.

Usually that is what she did, and she did it well. Usually she never wavered, and never hesitated, and never wallowed.... But today was not usual.

Today was a day where distance had a meaning and a weight for her, and she could not shake it off now no matter how hard she tried.

Today.... Today she had caught a glimpse of the one being on earth where the word distance equated so something cosmically immeasurable.... Today she felt the vast black oceans and space and time and emptiness rip open between herself and 000 in a single moment's time.It was not a direct meeting, it scarcely ever was, both Majanthi and 000 seemed as physically separated by those metaphorical oceans as they were emotionally. But it did not matter, they needn't be physically near one another or even speak- the glance was enough, and more than enough to bring to the surface all those twisting, heavy, and mostly untouched thoughts and feelings Majanthi had worked so hard to bury at all times. All it took was one, far-off glimpse of 000 and it felt like the world had been pulled from beneath her feet. And soon enough she was drowning under a lifetime of ignored and unwanted things, of hopes and dreams and memory and all manner of untapped potential and unfulfilled needs.... It was a lifetime of ignoring of her own happiness and well-being, and a lifetime spent of unfulfilled promise that had 000's heart aching for the Arid Wanderer the most.

Majanthi knew this, though it may never have been said outright- but she knew what it was that made 000 so sad when their eyes met, or when they crossed paths.... She knew what had created this impossible distance between the two of them, but she did not want to be forced to think about it. She did not want to feel it.

She did not want any of it

000 was there and gone in the only a few moments, a distant, dark shadow contrasting against the warmth and heat of the sand behind them. There and gone and the matching of their eyes was no longer than a heartbeat or two, but a heartbeat was all that was needed to throw a wrench into any amount of focus or intention, or even calm that Majanthi had just that heartbeat beforehand. She could not go back to the focus and the calm that she so aspired to have at all times, and the more she fought to regain it, the more the world seemed to spin out of her grasp. Over and over was that visage of 000 on the horizon like a great, lumbering shadow and phantom that had been erased and whisked away by the wind.... Had 000 been there at all?

Or was it just a lingering phantom born of memory and emotion rising to the surface suddenly after being oppressed for so long?

She did not know, and the not knowing was nearly as bad as the surge in emotions and thoughts that joined with it. Was her body trying to tell her something? Her mind? Was it trying to tell her she had spent too long ignoring all of this? That it has been bottled up too long and the cork on the end had now popped off, and it was all fizzing over?

She tried to go back to what she'd been doing. She tried so hard to focus and just ride it out, hoping maybe the feelings and the biting thoughts would fade again in time, and with not bothering to touch them... Maybe in time they'd fade away into the back of the darkest reaches of her soul and she wouldn't have to face them. Not now.

She tried to be attentive and precise in the tending of the land, she tried to be patient and cool in the face of animals and esk alike. She tried to be as she always was, focused and serene and sure of herself and everything she did... But it did not work.

She was fumbling, uncertain and slow in actions that should have been second nature and instantaneous. She could not think of what was in front of her, the plants and the energies and all the living things were overlayed by a constant stream of unwanted thoughts and hampered down by a haze of heavy, harsh emotion. And it didn't matter how hard she tried not to let it show, she knew she was slipping, and everything else could sense the unrest too. Esk and animal alike, they did not know what was wrong no, but they could tell something was off and they grew all the more unsure around her- not knowing if they should stay or go, or pry or anything of the sort. Even the Wanderer's smoke had seemed to take on a restless, wild energy that was heavy and suffocating and not at all the soothing, serene they were used to... the air was thick with it, and it was harder to breathe than it should be- so they all began to stay their distance more and more as the day drew by...and she knew they were pulling away.... And she knew it was her fault.

Eventually Majanathi had no choice but to cease, though the idleness was a terrible sensation, and having to mull through the storm was all the worse. The day felt like a stretch of a million years to pass by, and most of it went by in nothing but a hazy, much too cluttered blur. In her mind whirled the visage of 000 on a loop, and then the faces and figures of the other Wanderers began to invade too... years of brief and fleeting encounters filled with question and unease and all manner of emotion she did not wish to touch. Times in which they sought her advice and she did her best to give, but so many times they walked away unsatisfied and agitated from what she'd said... and how she'd tried her best not to feel anything of what was being asked, or said. Now she felt the distance between herself and all of them, not just 000... but between herself and the Wanderers of the other lands, the ones that tried over the years to seek her out, to connect... and it never happened.

Why now? Why would all of this come back now? Fight it's way to the forefront of her mind, and hound her as they were? Make it impossible to do as she needed to...?

Why now... would it make her so... useless...?

She could not think, she could only pace restlessly across the space, lumbering and uneasy and not even aware of her heavy footfalls over the sand. She felt as if she was wading through an invisible storm, struggling against the grip of the feelings and the spindly hands born of the memories, all them clutching to her fur and her mind tightly. The day should not have lasted as long as it did, and the night was ever worse.... and still she did not stop pacing, she did not stop seeing their faces in her mind's eye- and the storm of her emotions made the covering of smog from her palo santo all the worse. Heavy and suffocating and blocking out the starlight above for miles to come.

She was not sure how long she'd been lost spinning in the whirlpool of her own mind and soul before it began to settle again... before she was able to reign it in and force it away as she always had. Doing so was slow going and taxing on a level that could scarcely be described- but it was necessary to do, she had no choice... she had no energy left to continue being lost in the storm, and continually fighting against it. She had no energy left for anything, let alone pacing, or even thinking.

Her back and forth came to a halt, her feet stilling for the first time and staying that way, head bowed, eyes stuck to the sand and utterly rigid in place as her mind worked hard to just... settle, once more.

She stood there, tucking away all the thoughts and memories into neat piles in the furthest reaches of her mind, tying them up tightly and stuffing them away so they could not come loose so easily again.... Least of all with something as simple and fleeting as a single (real or imagined) glimpse of 000 on the horizon.

She wasn't quite sure how long she spent bundling it all away again, but by the time she had finished she wasn't sure she cared either. She lift her head up and shook herself out, her hair moving like trails of dark colored ivy and the various stones and feathers and things glinting in the pale morning light. She shook herself out a bit more, breaking the plumes of smoke in half and focusing her attention of lessening the heaviness they held, and the overpowering smog they had turned into.

Focus.... settle

She lift her head a bit higher and the smoke changed color, bleeding from the murky dark grey to something lighter, and silvery-blue. She took a single, heavy step forward, her feet sinking into the sand and starting across the land with one thing left on her mind.

Focus.... and forget the distance

.:+:.

Art To:
https://www.deviantart.com/1ore/art/Pueblo-807095614