07:00 p.m.

I put my hands inside the pockets of my coat. It is a cold Christmas Eve and I'd be spending it alone. I held my car keys in my hand, not knowing where I'm supposed to go. But I have one clue though, and it is that tonight, I am searching for a permanent escape — different from such activities like self-harming, smoking weed, fucking in sex clubs, or drinking alcohol.

No, I'm looking for something innocent and pure that will give me the taste of true freedom.

I was supposed to take my anti-depressant pills, but I started to grow sick of its taste. I'd rather not.

Down this city, I drive under the glow of the city lights.

08:31 p.m.

My mind ended up with the thought of innocent children. At this time, most of them must be asleep already. I remembered being scolded whenever my mother caught me still awake in 9:00 p.m.

I wish for the youth's future. I wish for it be good and bright and beautiful, so that they may save us from all the crimes and danger the world may bring. Mine is broken, and I guess it will never be fixed.

There is a motto, "Children are the hope of the future."

And indeed, I believe in them.

10:29 p.m.

I don't know where this "escape" road trip is ending up. It might be a waste for all I know. I might be returning to my boring and meaningless life routine — skipping therapy sessions, overdosing marijuana, eat junk foods, and sleep. It's been almost three and a half hours driving and wasting gasoline.

I pass by my favorite place of being wasted, Just Tonight. The name of it is ironic considering that everyone who comes in, kept always coming back.

I know I am searching for something new, but the thought of a temporary escape haunts me.

The club is full of sweaty, crowding bodies. People who are probably just as isolated and blue like me.

The thing about alcohol is that everything becomes invisible, including your burdens, sadness and worries. You do not care as if no one is watching you. Your mind can wander anywhere, anywhere you'd like to be. You will feel ecstatic because you can be  the person you always wanted to be.

It's like dreams and imaginations — beautiful and alluring. Yet you can never escape the slap of reality's consequences and inevitable misfortunes.

As I made my way to the bar, I held back the tears threatening to escape.

And I don't know why.

11:02 p.m.

I go back to my car with my head throbbing, even with just a few number of shots. Damn it, I didn't bring my pills or even some pot.

I suffer from depression, but the voices now are softer whispers, but their power to control over myself is stronger than me.

I remember my mom who used to be patient with me. She used to feed me and tuck under me the warm bed sheets. She was the only person I am sure who loves me.

I remember she always come home late, usually at this time, eleven. I never complained despite the emptiness inside me. Of course I understood her, it is difficult to be a single parent.

I remember her special hot cocoa, perfect for the chilly Christmas weather. We would exchange simple gifts like cards and even a paper clip. We would celebrate the occasion with only the two of us, enjoying each other's company.

I remember I used to to stay up late every night, sitting on the sofa, waiting to greet and hug her after a long day of work.

But then last year's Christmas night, she never went home again.

11:11 p.m.

Time's a ticking, it's time for wishes.

I wish for... Wait, what exactly do I want?

Is it the money, to escape my pitiful lifestyle? Or perhaps popularity in school to gain reputation and respect? Or maybe my mother back? Could it also be loyal and trustworthy friends? A planned and fixed future, perhaps?

Ahh, I know.

I wish for happiness and love, just like everybody does.

12:00 p.m.

It's officially Christmas. Time for exchanging gifts and joy.

Most of the houses I pass by have their lights open. In one house, through the windows, I see adults chasing kids. In another, I see a family wearing warm sweaters and sipping hot cocoa, huddling around a fireplace. In another one, I see a group of teenagers cheerfully laughing.

There was one thing that's common in those houses and it is something I don't have.

Happiness.

01:01 p.m.

Although my hope for the escape is very much small, my search is not yet done.

Along the way, I saw luxurious cars preparing the most awaited Blue Bayou illegal drag racing — neon lights flickering and girls' blinding bodies.

I want to join but I don't have a car like theirs.

I wonder about the stories of the drivers behind the sport cars. Are they also searching for an escape? Or is it only for mere leisure?

2:19 a.m.

Dreams.

They could be wonderful, but sometimes they could be nightmares.

At this time, I suppose most of the population is already dreaming. I wonder what their dreams are

Sometimes, I wish everything is just a dream. I wish that I will wake up after all the disasters.

But unfortunately, life is not a dream — it is a reality.

And it is us who weaves our destiny.

3:30 a.m.

Wanderers.

Considering the fact that at this time I am still awake (without caffeine or pot), I guess wanderer is the right word to describe me.

Although I am not sure, are wanderers always lost?

I am a wanderer searching for my true home. I am alone with nowhere to go. Doctors told me I needed the pills and the rehab. But no thank you, Docs. What will the difference be anyway — to be sad and a broke loner, hungry and desperate, or to be a prison and pet of doctors and nurses trapped inside a white walls, with unsure guarantees of freedom and calmness.

6:11 a.m.

I parked my car and walked towards the cliff. I sat there, dangled my legs, and closed my eyes. As I inhaled, I also absorbed only the positive, beautiful auras. As I exhaled, I also released all the negative shits inside me.

I opened my eyes.

The sun rising and it is beautiful. It actually gave me a hope of something wonderful.

As it rises, I made a resolution — a vow I promised to myself that will greatly benefit me. I am fully aware that no one will help myself, but me.

I hated the sun before, thinking that its rays are glaring and annoying. But, today is an exception. It is a symbol of positivity and a new day. A symbol which reminds me I am still alive and strong.

The escape I was searching for was never there; it never existed. You can never outrun your problems despite how much you wish for them to disappear. You must face and deal with the consequences. However, remember that regardless of the obstacles, and inequalities life always seem to bring, there will always be a solution. We will always meet whatever our hearts and souls are searching for at the end of the line.

I know now what to do with the rest of my life, and that's what matters the most. Once that wasted, depressed and happy-go-lucky person, is now someone with new hope, goals and direction. I will no longer be the person I was before.

I'm better than that.

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