The mug of tea stares back at him, untouched, now growing cold from how steaming hot it once was.

Just like how Jungkook feels inside.

Despite the cabin being warm and homey, Jungkook feels like the ghosts of his past are taunting his every move; sending shivers down his spine from the cold touches on his back from their eyes.

He can't even breathe properly without it feeling as if a brick is pressing much heavier on his shoulders, making it only painful to sit alone.

What's worse is the silence.

Jimin and Mrs. Kim are seated on the table, their tea cups untouched as well with their eyes lingered on it. No one made a move, yet their minds are fumbling to many things at once that words weren't coming out of their lips.

Meanwhile Jungkook is trying not to think of anything....

Especially of the chair that Woosung use to sit on being right beside him; empty... Filled with nothing but air.

This shouldn't effect him, but it does...... So much that he can't put it into words

Jungkook gulps thickly, blinking away to the anxiety that's edging his hands as they start to fidget on his leg. He feels as if he looks anywhere else besides the tea, he would not have the strength in his body to hold himself together without exploding.

He has to keep it together.

Woosung is dead.

There's nothing to do about it.

He feels nothing, he should feel nothing.

"So, Jungkookie," Jungkook slowly averts his eyes up to meet Mrs. Kim's gaze, "How you've been? It's almost been.... Three years?"

Jungkook had to talk himself over for a moment to calm down his racing heart, masking a small smile and nodding, "A little more over three."

Mrs. Kim suddenly smiles widely, "Woosungie would've been twenty eight then-"

"Can we not talk about Woosung please," Jungkook instantly cuts in, gripping his hands under table after noticing they wouldn't stop shaking.

Why am I shaking?

Stop it!

S-Stop it..... Please..

Jimin looks up at him, a sad frown on his lips to the familiar panic quivering Jungkook's voice, wanting nothing more than to reach over and give him a comforting hug to how overwhelming he must be feeling right now.

Even if Jungkook ends up slicing his head off.

Mrs. Kim frowns to this and reaches over to place her hand on Jungkook's shoulder, "Jungkookie.... What's the matter? He was your-"

Jungkook raised to his feet, followed with a bow, "I'm going to use the restroom, excuse me."

And he walks away, well stumbles, with his weak legs out of the kitchen, where Jimin and Mrs. Kim share a pitiful frown to each other.

He still doesn't want to accept it....

Jungkook uses the railing for support as he moves up the stairs to go to the bathroom. He forcefully tries to remove an undesirable emotion from rising up his throat, forcing him to feel absolutely nothing as he walks down the small hallway.

Right when he passes by a wooden door, he freezes when it slightly creaks open by the air that followed him.

A familiar door.

Despite his better conscious, he can't help but dart his eyes to the door, seeing the small peek of the moonlight shine through it.

A major part of him didn't want to go in. He just wanted to go to the bathroom and splash water on his face and hurry this up so he can murder Jimin someway somehow.

However deep down inside he knew..... He knew he needs this....

So...... Without his mind processing, he followed that small voice and slowly approaches the door and grips the handle.

Letting his mind finally break from it's chain.

Flashback~

The door flies open, instantly filling Jungkook's eyes with light from the window broadly open, letting the soft summer weather air roam inside on the nearly empty room.

Jungkook let's his wide bambi eyes roam the room as Woosung approaches the center and spins around with a carefree smile on his lips, "Welcome to my cave!"

The young ravenette smiles widely as he closes the door behind him and takes in the wooden walls with not even a poster in place. There's only a bed by the corner covered in black sheets with a nightstand and a grey fuzzy rug on the floor.

Nothing else other than that.

And yet.... It still feels like home.

"It's empty," Jungkook snickers, letting his hand smooth over the walls, "I like it."

Hands around his waists snaps him from his thought, filling him with odd flutters in his stomach when soft pecks trails down his neck, "Well you have no choice other than to like it, bambi."

He's suddenly whirled around, pinned gently against the wall with Woosung clasping their lips together. Jungkook mind instantly zones out, trailing his fingers up his arm and to his neck, caressing the soft curls against his finger tips.

It never fails to feel like the first time they ever kissed when they do. Jungkook always feels his heart race and his tummy do these wild spirals, reminding him how deeply affectionate he feels for this boy.

No words would ever be able to describe what he feels for Woosung, but it's a feeling that can't be defined....

And it feels magical, like it's meant to be.

Almost as if their souls were destined to find each other.

It's beautiful, utterly beautiful.

They may be young, too young people may say for being in their teens and being this I love, but this is real..... This is definitely real.

Woosung suddenly pulls away, wrapping his arms around Jungkook's small waist securely and spins him around. Jungkook squeals loudly, bubbling giggles escaping his lips as he wraps his legs around his lover to prevent himself from flying across the room.

"I'm going to throw up on you! WOOSUNG!" Jungkook shrieks gidily, making Woosung instantly stop to playfully start to wobble them back before crashing down to his bed, making Jungkook to release another shriek with laughter.

The music of their happiness echoes the small room, leaving Woosung to stare up at his happy little bambi before caressing the side of his face tenderly, "I love you.... So much Jungkook."

Something inside the young boy's heart felt like a phoenix being reborn again; alive. He felt so alive, and happy to be alive too.

Woosung makes him feel like he's to live again.

So he leans and presses their foreheads together, fluttering his eyes close, "I love you with my whole heart Woosung, so much."

End flashbacks~

Jungkook blinks away the memory as he stands still at the center of the now dark room, once filled with so much light with Woosung's bright smile alone.

It's almost as if he can still smell his scent lingering the air, making a more choking breath past his lips.

"I-I can't.... I have to forget you," Jungkook whispers to himself, shaking his head, "Y-You're dead.... There's no point-"

And right when he was about to walk away, his eyes lands to the acoustic guitar at the corner of the room. The one shiny and beautiful instrument now dusty and worn out.

Not like the familiar glow it use to shine.

Flashback~

Jungkook dances on the bed carelessly as Woosung strums the guitar, dramatically dropping on the floor as if he's a rock star as he sings his heart out to a song they created; DNA.

The young ravenette is wearing one of his lover's loose black t-shirts that travels just above his knees, singing along with him as he swings his hair around with the brightest smile on his lips.

A smile that only encouraged Woosung to sing more loudly just to keep it there for a while longer.

Sad that wasn't the case.

The door suddenly swings open, revealing a surprised Mrs. Kim as she takes the scene, "Hello? Did I miss my ticket to a concert or something?"

Jungkook instantly stops jumping in fear that she might've gotten mad from the noise, but is glad to see the complete opposite when she beams a wide smile at the happy pair. Suddenly Woosung springs from the ground, placing the guitar aside as skips to his mother.

Immediately she's in the air in his arms as he presses multiple kisses on her face, "My mother! Have I told you how much I love you today?"

Mrs. Kim scoffs and slaps her son playfully on the arm, "Put me down you silly boy!" She chuckles, making Woosung pout playfully.

"Not until you tell me you love me soooooo much!"

Jungkook sits on the bed now, watching with an endearing smile to the cute exchange between the two.

Initially Jungkook always believed that the psychopathic gang banger goon would have no heart in his chest at all when they first met. Especially after seeing him in action to how he.... Deals with people.

Oh how wrong he was.

Woosung loves his mom so much.

She's the Queen to his heart, always.

"I love you, now put me down!" She squeals as Woosung presses on last hard kiss on her cheek before placing her down, earning another slam on his arm.

"Ow! What was that for?"

"For not having a shirt on," She scoffs and turns to Jungkook, her genuine smile practically lighting up room, "Would you like anything sweetie? Water? Sweet bread?"

Instantly Jungkook shakes his head, "No ma'am I'm okay, thank you."

Her smiles widens, if that's even possible, and turns to Woosung, pointing a finger at him, "Watch out and don't hurt little Kookie, I'm watching you."

Woosung only sends her a kissy face as she rolls her eyes lovingly and closes the door behind her.

Jungkook brings his legs to his chest, "Maybe we should keep it down a little."

The white haired boy snickers and goes to sit on the bed beside him, tapping the bottom of Jungkook's chin, "My mom loves you, don't worry, she won't be mad at you."

A giddily feeling erupt his chest upon hearing this, making him smile from ear to ear as he climbs over Woosung's lap and clasps his cheeks, "I'm glad to hear that."

End flashback~

The tears are now much more vividly streaming down Jungkook's cheeks, feeling his legs weaken now to the point that he collapses completely to his bed, raising a hand to grip his shirt to the agony in his chest of the empty space beside him on the bed.

A space that's now filled with no one but Woosung's ghost.

And finally Jungkook releases a heartbroken cry, "How did you even love me?" He whimpers while letting out all of his tears escape past his eyelids, "I can't feel anymore Woosung.... I can't feel anything but pain. I-I'm so b-broken without you."

So long has Jungkook been pushing Woosung's death to the back of his mind when he killed the fuckers who was behind it. He thought he finally overcame it but..... He didn't. He didn't grieve his death... Only focused on his job once he got it, saying it was for his honor.

What a fucking poor excuse of a human being Jungkook feels right now.

After all he's done for him.... He became like... This?

All that progress and development just.... Gone.

Like how Woosung is... Gone.

Jungkook slowly moves his eyes up to the wall, letting a weak sob escape his lips when the initials still remain there; printed on the wall.

Always... There.

Forever.

Flashback~

Jungkook watches from Woosung's bare chest as the other male carves something against the wooden wall with his pocket knife. The silence that filled around them is comfortable, still fresh from their previous intimate activity they did for the first time, yet it's very calm

A soft string pulls in Jungkook's heart when Woosung's other tatted hand rubs against his arm, soothing down his body from the ache on his lower spine, sending him to complete ease and a state of utter peace in his mental and physical state.

He felt... Peace.

Being with Woosung gave him peace.

"What are you doing?" Jungkook's curiosity asks, twitching a soft smile on Woosung's lips as he continues to carve something on the wood.

"Writing my life."

Jungkook furrows his eyebrows, trying to peek from every angle to see but Woosung only tightens his grip on his arms and turns his head to him, a breathtaking smile on his lips to Jungkook's little nosy attempt.

"Can you calm down?"

"I want to see!" Jungkook whines, a giddily smile on his lips, "If I'm not in the picture, I'm walking right out that door I came in."

Woosung bursts into a flutter of laughter, nuzzling his nose against Jungkook's frizzy hair, "Baby, such a baby boy. Gah stop being so cute!"

A hideous scowl forms Jungkook's lips upon hearing this and before he can snap back at him, his eyes are covered the Woosung's gentle hand, "Are you ready to see my creation my precious?"

"Yes!" Jungkook squeals eagerly, leaning move over his chest, "I want to see your life!"

Woosung chuckles admiringly and slowly let's go of his face, letting Jungkook see what he made.

But... What he created..... Made Jungkook's heart nearly stop beating because it wasn't what he expected.

K.W.S & J.J.K

"This, is my life," Woosung murmurs, staring at it intently with his fingers outlining the initials, "You are my life Jungkook..... My whole life."

For some reason Jungkook's eyes beamed with tears, fighting back a sob as he takes Woosung's pocket knife and began to carve on the wood as well.

"What are you doin-"

"Shh, our secret," Jungkook whispers as he poorly carves something on the wood.

After a long while of his poor attempts, he smiles brightly and pulls the knife back.

He wrote something.

Stars.

"Stars?" Woosung questions, looking at Jungkook but then his cheek flared upon remembering exactly what it meant, "That's the first thing I said to you when I met you... Wow you remember that?"

Stars. That was exactly the first thing Woosung ever said to him. He didn't even know why he said that in the first place, but when he looked into Jungkook's bambi eyes that's the first thing that came to mind.

And his mouth spoke before he could even process the proper words.

Jungkook's eyes looked like it was littered with stars when they met.

Littered with life.

And they still do, possibly even more now.

"Of course," Jungkook whispers, tracing his fingers along side his jawline, "That's the most bizarre thing anyone has ever told me upon meeting me."

The two exchange childish giggles, falling deeply in love with that innocent memory from what feels like a long time ago.

Who knew they would be like this now?

And ..... It all feels so perfect.

End Flashback~

"Stars," Jungkook whispers lowly, letting his fingers drag down against the wood after tracing the letters, "Stars will always guide me back to you."

Jungkook can't take it anymore.

He..... Finally broke completely.

His pitiful wails are the only things that echoes the room, trying hard to conceal it behind his hand but it still echoes loudly, just like how Woosung's laughter once upon a time.

He wasn't alone though.

Sadly, someone heard him.

In the midst of Jungkook's emotional break down, he feels a tender hand on his shoulder. He slowly looks up, meeting Mrs. Kim's soft gaze. She didn't have to say anything in order to know what he's feeling, only sits down on the bed beside the curled up body with a book on her hand.

"He loved you very much Jungkook," She whispers, glancing down to her lap, "I know it's hard... To move forward in life. I'm still not over it as it is, but I learned that living in grief for my son's disappearance will never grant me anything, only more sadness. Woosung always wanted me to be happy, so that's what I did for him..... Lived happy for him."

Jungkook sniffs to her words, raising a hand to clasp over hers on his shoulder, rubbing on her knuckles, "I don't know who I am anymore... I thought by pushing him away that... I won't be so weak. What if that's why I'm always hurt? Why I always pick the bad road since that's how I met him? To find something of Woosung inside the men in that world but I always end up disappointed.... They're not Woosung. He's..... Gone."

Mrs. Kim only rubs his shoulder with her own wobbly lips, "My son always believed in a brighter path for you Jungkookie. You may have found each other in a dark circumstance but that doesn't mean what you both had was dark," She whispers and forces a small smile, "It's okay to grief, to feel. Don't believe for a second that he's gone because he still lives in you, in your memories."

Jungkook screws his eyes shut, letting out a trail of tight sobs to escape his lips as he breaks down all over again.

Mrs. Kim moves her arms over his body like a warm blanket, cooeing and comforting the man who finally broke from his mental dilemma. He let his heart feel all the emotions he fought to conceal, breaking apart yet healing as he let Woosung's memory finally roam free from the cage.

I miss Woosung.

I miss the love of my life.

I miss my anchor.

I am breaking apart without him.

Now Yeosang is gone, my son, who tried to save me.

My light.

Everyone I loved is gone.

They're gone...

"I'm tired of feeling so weak and vulnerable. It's k-killing me!" Jungkook wails, gripping his neck to ooze the pain inside, "Why did h-he have to l-leave me? Why did they l-leave me!"

Woosung's mother only runs her fingers through Jungkook's hair, trying to hold back her own cries just to be strong for the young boy. She has known Jungkook for years, and she knew something was wrong when she saw him down stairs; so emotionless and anxious.

The poor boy was suffering a battle inside himself that he surrendered to.

When he should be fighting for himself.

"I put the blame on Jimin b-but he was trying to help me," Jungkook shudders as he hugs his own body, "He was trying to make me remember Woosung, his sacrifice for me because I was forgetting who I was. I let myself fall for Karma because I was so scared of everything around me. He would hurt m-me and I never d-did anything because I didn't want to l-leave his side since he made me feel indifferent about the past. J-Jimin saw..... He saw how he was treating me and he didn't want me to forget who I was and the reason I was who I am...... I-I'm so hurt and I don't want to be anymore. I don't w-want to be m-me."

Mrs. Kim nods understandingly to the boy, letting him cry his heart out and all his agony that's been clawing his soul, "It's okay to try to find that same emotion you felt with Woosung.... But let me tell you that you will never find it. Every experience with a person is different. Although the next may not be the same, but it will be just as important to make you either a better person or not. If you don't like who you are, then be the version you want to become....... Make something beautiful of the broken pieces that's destroyed, but in order to do that you must be aware of what they are," She whispers, pressing a peck against his head, "Woosung was someone important in your life, don't let him become your weakness. Use the memory as your strength to keep going. To find the anchor to yourself."

Jungkook breathes heavily to the words and nods slowly, letting her words sink in his chest.

She's right.

He can't let Woosung be his own enemy with his mind, he has to be his strength. Jungkook has tried so hard to be with Karma, to force himself to feel what he did with Woosung, without realizing the dangers it did to his head.

What they have isn't love.

Maybe obsession, but it's not love.

What Jungkook and Woosung had is love.

And won't ever confuse the two again.

Mrs. Kim ruffles with his hair one last time before sliding the book to him, "If you don't believe me, maybe hear it from him."

Jungkook covers his lips, holding back his need to cry so he nods instead, his voice not doing him any justice at the moment. Mrs. Kim smiles and gets up, walking out the door to give him his privacy with his lover. It took everything in Jungkook to not break down at the familiar leather brown notebook. He has seen Woosung write on this same notebook many times, but never asked about it because he didn't want to sound nosy.

Tenderly Jungkook brings the notebook to his chest, burring his nose against it before breaking out a heavy sob.

It smells just like him.

Just like Woosung.

No, he can do this, he can do this....

My Woosung...

My WooWoo.

After a few moments of talking to himself, Jungkook sits up to sit at the edge of the bed. He wipes his tears away and stares at the notebook, taking a heavy deep breath before slowly opening it.

It was almost as if Jungkook took a dive into Woosung's mind. He swam through the early memories of when Woosung got this notebook, expressing his thoughts about being in a gang and his first day there. He compared it to a military bootcamp, in which Jungkook found utterly amusing, before reading on.

For a moment it feels as if Jungkook could hear him in his head, reading to him all these tales on his first killing spree, when he lost his mind, his try on drugs. A few made Jungkook even laugh because he could tell Woosung was either high or drunk when he wrote some of these entries.

Then came an entry..... Where Jungkook is mentioned.

He describes seeing a little boy with raven hair entering the devil's den, not knowing what he got himself into. He says how annoyed yet giddily he was to have some fresh meat come in the gang and was so excited into making his life into a living hell.

Once it got to the passage about the day they first met officially, stars came up, and Jungkook had to close the notebook for a moment to gather his emotions.

He can do this....

He can do this.....

It's his Woosung...

He can do it.

So after a deep breath, Jungkook reopens the notebook and continues to read, yet it was so hard to even read from that point on.

Everything he wrote..... Was about Jungkook.

He would scoff at himself for liking someone two years younger than him, who probably hasn't hit puberty yet - which Jungkook was for his information - but not helping himself from falling for him, for the small bambi eyed boy. Everything they did together is recorded here; their arguments, dates, killing sprees, missions, everything.

He wrote everything so he has something to look back to if he's hopeless with himself.

This....This notebook was his anchor.

Jungkook was his anchor.

When it reached near the end of the entry, Jungkook had already laughed or cried or snickered to the memories written. So many beautiful memories they had together, so many to just.... Let go like that.

This entry, the last one..... Was a letter.

To Jungkook.

Jungkook furrows his eyebrows to this, exhaling a deep breath as he mentally prepares himself.

"Dear my precious Bambi little shit,

I should probably change that to the nickname I had you with before; Bambi. Since your eyes are still as wide as bambi's despite the fact you're grown now. This nickname is too long, but eh, it'll do for now. So.... The reason I'm writing this letter to you now is because.... A few moments ago I had a nightmare. You're sleeping right next to me right now and you look too peaceful for me to wake you up so.... I'll just write it here, even though you most likely will never read it. So what was the dream about? Well, as twisted as it is... It was of me... Dying. I don't remember exactly how I died, but I do remember you crying. Oh baby you were so upset, just thinking about it makes me want to shed a few tears right now but I won't..... Maybe. We'll see by the end of this letter. I don't know what the future may hold for us, nor do I know if we'll be together forever since we're still young but..... I know I don't express this often but I'm terrified of losing you. That dream scared me to the core of not being by your side anymore, and I.... Fuck, now I'm crying, I hope I don't wake you up. Okay, no you're still sleeping peacefully. So... Bambi, I just want you to know that if one day I'm not by your side anymore, don't be afraid of life. This world is so cruel and it can be so harsh, but what we had gave me so hope that it isn't so bad..... I hope you find the love, happiness and so much more if it's not beside me. I want to always be the anchor in your heart and let this relationship inspire you for your other relationships. You, Jeon Jungkook, is the most strongest person I've ever met. You're so young yet so strong..... I look up to you despite me being the one that's the eldest. Use those qualities that you have to help others, connect with yourself and bring justice to the wrong. I may be overreacting about it and I could be writing this for no reason, but you deserve to know that you deserve happiness.

I'm so in love - ugh.... I'm sorry I can't stop crying now.

I'm sorry, it just..... The dream hurt.

I'm so in love with you Jeon Jungkook, so much.

Stars.... Never forget stars

Now go out there and be amazing, I got your back, always.

- Kim Woosung <3"

Jungkook slowly closes the book, pressing it against his forehead as he cries against it with his whole chest, choking on his breath. So many emotions cruises through his heart, but mainly...... Relief.

He feels like he can finally breathe.

This is what he needed.

He.... He needed to face his past.

His beautiful yet twisted past, and now he can smile. After a little more time, he won't cry like how he is now and he will feel free.

As of now, all he's going to do is cry and slowly heal his wounded heart.

He's going to feel again.

And he's going to grieve, let himself finally give himself that time to mourn.

Gently he puts the notebook aside and burries his face against his hands, taking deep breathes as he controls his mental state once again through his tears.

In the midst of his loneliness and solace, he hears the door slightly creaking open, but didn't raise his head up in curiosity. He sniffles under his breathes as he feels the presence of someone in front of him and then something soft against his arm.

What is that?

Jungkook slowly removes his hands away from his face, seeing Jimin on his knees in front of him with a small stuff animal grey bunny tapping against his arm cradled in his tiny hands.

That's..... So cute.

A weak smile breaks Jungkook's lips, gently taking the small hand sized stuffed animal from Jimin's hand, rubbing it's cheek almost tenderly as if it was real.

His heart felt slightly much more warmer than before.

Jimin took that opportunity to reach for Jungkook's face, wiping his tears away with his thumbs, "How are you feeling?"

Another sniff escapes Jungkook's body and he gulps thickly, "Like shit, but.... It's necessary."

A small smile forms Jimin's lips and he clasps his hand over Jungkook's, "Do you still want to kill me?"

This time a more genuine smile breaks through Jungkook, shaking his head slowly, "I never wanted to... I was scared and just wasn't well-"

"I understand Jungkook you don't have to tell me anything," He whispers, moving his eyes to the bunny, "I..... I don't know what the chemistry between you and Woosung was like, and you have every right to be scared and terrified to move forward after that experience. Love is a terrifying thing Jungkook.... It's so terrifying to feel like you have the world with someone one moment but then when they're gone, you're left with nothing and everything feels so cold and numb. You have every right to feel...... Numb."

Jungkook's lips wobbled as Jimin says this, letting Jimin interlace one of their hands together tightly, and that made Jimin's eyes start to gloss over, "But..... I lost Yeosang..... And...... I'm not losing you too. So let me in, let me help you and you won't have to go through this mourning process alone. I'm right here. Let mourn together."

After suppressing his tears for so long, Jungkook let's them leak down his cheeks in front of Jimin's eyes. The smaller didn't even wait a long time before he let's Jungkook hold onto him as he cries against his shoulder, letting the guilt yet the life fill his body once again.

He's not alone.

Even when he thinks he is.... He's not.

Now all he can do is mourn.... Grief.... And start to take steps ahead.

As Jeon Jungkook.

________________
A/N:
Man this chapter made me cry all over again!

Gotta love the editing process :')

I PURPLE YOU! <33